Dear anita,

thank you for reply! It’s so amazing that you overcame your struggles and can now feel more comfortable in social situations! It gives me hope that I too can achieve this one day. The things you describe are similar to what I am experiencing. I definitely worry too much about what others think… They probably don’t even think that much about me.

I hope you are well, please take care of yourself!

Dear anita,

you always help everyone, sometimes I wonder how you are? I want to say thank you for always reading replying and caring.

I think it takes a lot of strength to work on yourself, to become better. I’m impressed how you did it and turned your life around! You are right, we are all struggling, we are all equal. I like this way of thinking much more than thinking that this or that person is better or worse than another. I don’t think that someone is more important or worthy because they have more money, a better career or have accomplished more things. Why can’t I hold these same standards when it comes to myself? The good thing is, I’m thinking more about this, understanding more and more…

Today I feel a little down, because he doesn’t message me at all anymore now. Yesterday I sent him a message asking if everything is okay. Maybe it was a mistake. I will leave him be now, no more messages.

Yesterday I also called my former therapist during her telephone hours, to arrange a closing meeting, like my new therapist suggested. The telephone rang, but then the answering machine started. Some weeks ago I also left a voice mail and she didn’t call back. I think that she doesn’t want to talk to me. Was I such a horrible patient? But okay, I will not call her anymore as well. It just makes me feel angry and sad… And I know that if I ever want to end a relationship with a person again, I will tell them to their face, without making excuses.

Even if I fail at a lot of things, at least I tried! I think I have learned more through these experiences. I’m getting to know myself better and better. And I can see what I want to change and why. I don’t want to run away anymore and avoid uncomfortable things.

Dear anita,

it’s good to hear that you are doing well. I guess it’s normal to sometimes feel better, sometimes worse. The idea of always being happy is not rooted in reality I guess. You make small choices to make your life better, that’s so commendable. I also try to practice mindfulness, but it doesn’t always work. Today I went for a walk and I tried to stay in the present moment, but negative thoughts came up again and again.

I have to think a lot about this guy I met about two months ago. The communication is declining. He wrote me a few times on Friday, then stopped again. He had a family event, so maybe he just was too busy. But I still fear that he just doesn’t want to answer me. Maybe he is already tired of me? I sent him another message today, maybe I should stop sending messages if he doesn’t reply (but I got tempted when I saw that he was online). I really like him a lot. He is such a gentle and caring person. But maybe it’s already over and my self hate ruined it all… If only we could at least be friends… At least I hope that he will tell me, if he doesn’t want to see me or speak to me anymore…

On a more positive note, I went to the choir with my friend last week and I liked it. I had forgotten that I actually enjoyed singing. Joining a choir feels a little embarrassing though. But it’s also a good way of staying in contact with my friend.

I also would have tried out the self defense class, but the class was canceled, so I went for a walk with another friend. Plus I went and saw two other friends during the weekend, so I was very social and kind of active…

I’m thinking about what you said, that I should persist when distressed. It’s definitely something I need to work on! At the moment I’m struggling to find a topic for and work on a project for university. So I procrastinated a lot. I had an idea for a topic, but wasn’t entirely sure about it. But I will sit down now for at least half an hour and write, to clear my thoughts. So that will be a start and I will probably feel better.

This should be my priority now. If I can improve my career, I will feel better. Or maybe this is wrong and I should accept things as they are now. I always stand in my own way… I’m sabotaging myself. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to get it together, especially when it comes to my career. Maybe I have too high expectations and I worry too much, instead of taking action.

I hope therapy can help me to overcome this and that it won’t fail again. One time my old therapist said, that I can never be fully healed, that I can only improve so much. I had to think about this a lot last week. I really want to make it work this time, so I try to implement the suggestions of my therapist (like going to the choir). But last time I also made a lot of progress at the beginning (because I was motivated) and later I got very stuck.

Okay, sorry for rambling so much, I better stop now. Thank you for reading and have a good day!

Dear anita,

thank you for your reply. Maybe I have to read more about mindfulness, to understand it better. I guess for now I should focus on what I feel at a moment.

You are right, you can’t be motivated all the time. You mean that you have to do the work, regardless of if you feel like it, right? I still struggle with this, but I have to change, because I don’t want to be in that same state in five or ten years. Maybe I should go back to setting small goals for myself for each day or week. The feeling of being unproductive just makes me feel bad about myself.

But I guess it’s also normal to have success and then fail again, right? It takes time, I guess.

I think you are right about the guy, it also doesn’t read promising to me either. Now he is far away and probably also tired of me. I think I was too awkward and insecure. But to be realistic, I didn’t really believe that this relationship had much of a future from the start: he lives in another city, he is five years younger, our communication was most of the time awkward, we don’t have that much in common and he is always very busy, so that I don’t know if there was room for me in his life. I regret overstepping my own boundaries. Why did I not respect myself more? I don’t know why I always want to please people and why I go so far with it. My own feelings and needs should be my number one concern in these matters (especially when not knowing a person that well).

Maybe it doesn’t make much of a difference in my life. It was just an attempt at love or a relationship or something. At least I gave it a try and learned more. But I’m also a little sad that I ruined a friendship or relationship with a person I really liked. And I have self doubts. But I guess it doesn’t matter if he tells me it’s over or not. If it’s over, it’s over I guess.

What also bothers me is that his sister is my flatmate. On Sunday I went to the kitchen to cook and there she was, with her friend. They were talking in another language, but I could understand that they mentioned my field of study. So maybe they were talking about me. It bothers me, that she now might know some things about me, that I don’t want her to know. I should not care so much about what other people think. It’s their problem and I should rather focus on my own progress and improving my life. If they want to judge me, that’s on them. At least that’s what my more rational self tells me, but another side of me just is very worried and wants to hide and not go to the kitchen again… Next week there is also a floor meeting and I really don’t want to go. But I guess I should. I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like my own problems are ridiculous. Why are such small things such a big problem for me? I should be over it, especially at my age. But I guess I’m just a little slower than others.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Lily.

Dear anita,

you are right, I think. It takes two people to form a friendship or relationship. So I guess I’m not the only one to blame. But my personal problems were definitely an issue. I don’t want to stay like this anymore, I don’t want to be a child-woman and crazy/weird. I want to grow up. But it will take a lot of work.

Setting goals is something I need to get back into. Why did I stop? Usually I only stick to my goals for a short time before I fall back into my unproductive habits. It was actually the main problem why my therapy failed. I wasn’t making progress in that area. Somehow I’m not taking myself seriously. Sometimes I just feel like nothing matters or I procrastinate and distract myself. Maybe I am just very bad at managing my own time. When I’m at work, I can concentrate very well and I am productive. The same goes for classes. For example today in my class I was working on my project and after class I felt very happy with myself. If there is an appointment for work, uni or a sports class together with a friend I will show up and am reliable most of the time. But working by myself at home doesn’t work so well.

I think I should write down my goals and to do lists in a journal again.

For now, I want to

– Decide on a theme/project for my class

– Go to the choir and sports class

– Work every day for 2 x 30 minutes (better start small, I think)

– Think about the steps I need to take to become financially independent

Okay, it’s maybe not so much, but it is a start, I think. And I also still have classes and work to go to. I cannot fail again, because I don’t want to be in the same place in a year, I want to make progress!!

Dear anita,

sorry, there was a misunderstanding. By working twice a day for 30 minutes I meant working on my projects for university. I realize now that I didn’t express that clearly (I hope my English is understandable). Like I said before, I have some procrastination problems. And I have some unfinished projects and also stuff I need to work on for this semester. So I want to start small, later I can expand the schedule.

I also want to exercise more, but for now I only want to go to the self defense class once a week and maybe to another class on another day, if I have enough time. Better start small, like you said as well.

Yes, I sometimes feel weird and crazy. And I worry that I also seem crazy to others, like this person I’ve met and his sister. By woman-child I mean that I feel like I’m not behaving like a true adult, that I’m childlike or childish. I just feel like I need to grow up some more. I think I avoided some responsibilities, like choosing a stable career or being in a committed relationship. I need to learn how to properly take care of myself. But on the other hand, I also have no problems with some other “grown-up things”: I’ve lived by myself, I’ve lived in different places (even a different country), I know how to find a room for myself, cook for myself, clean up after myself etc. So maybe there is still hope… But then again, these things are normal for most people my age. But I should stop comparing myself, I guess and just accept that I’m not there yet. And I should stop telling myself that I’m weird or crazy, because it doesn’t help.

I wish you a nice and fulfilling day away from the computer! Hope you are well!