There are many levels to our relationship to the word love. In your question you appear to be asking when is it we experience Love True – true as in an experience without doubt or need of measurement?

I would have to disagree that the experience of understanding another so well that you see their problems as your own as being ‘true love’… though it might be an attribute of the experience. I don’t think it would not be enough by itself. The danger being that such an experience of loving another in that way might end in co-dependency or some such phycological quagmire.

Rephrasing the question – when do you know you are loving someone truly and being loved truly?

My best guess is that we experience being loved truly when we are truly seen, truly witnessed by another.

I see you, (I am seen) all off you (all of me) as you are (as I am) the good the bad and ugly and accept all of it, all of you (all of me). Who you are matters, (who I am matters), what you do matters, (what I do matters) … so I hold you accountable, (you must let me be accountable) … for if I did not (if you do not) I do not see you, (you do not see me) and nothing you are, (nothing I am), could matter, have meaning or purpose… and that would not be love true.

I’ve always liked the following quote from Shall We Dance

“We need a witness to our lives.  There’s a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, (love true) you’re promising to care about everything.  The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day.  You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it.  Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’.” – I love you true

* Dear Inky: a Best of Inky’s one liner, brought on my first smile this very early Thursday morning. Thank you.

anita

* Your sense of humor is delightful, Inky. A pleasure to read from you!

anita

Looks like you can not edit your post (my post was a bit too harsh) Altough I believe codependency is narcissist behavior, I do not dont think they have full blown NPD (extreme narcissism). Its just that they have have strong narcissist tendencies.

It depends what you mean by ‘true love’. I too think ‘true love’ is allowing someone the freedom to be themselves in a relationship. There is a lot of hype around ‘true love’ in the world today. A lot of people confuse ‘true love’ with co-dependency. For me, I believe you have to learn to love yourself before you can love another. After the break-up of my last relationship I was forced to reassess my beliefs about relationships and what ‘love’ really means. I realised that I was co-dependent. This idea that we can’t live without someone else just isn’t true. I have had those feelings but it was not healthy for me as it caused me suffering. (The Buddhists word for it is ‘attachment’).

I was forced to find another way and realised I had to learn to love myself which may sound trite but it is so true. When you love yourself it really is the best feeling in the world; so much better than looking to another to make you happy.It’s a wonderful feeling – as the song says ‘the greatest love of all is happening to me’. I never understood what those words meant. Finally I realised that it is nothing to do with ego but about valuing yourself. Louise Hay says that relationship problems always come back to someone not loving themselves enough. (Her book explains this very well.)

We are all brainwashed into believing that we must be with another person in order to be happy – not so. Yes, it is lonely at times but I would rather be on my own than with the wrong person. Ironically, after I had done work on myself I met my current partner completely out of the blue and I am much happier than I was in my last relationship!!

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your comment. I don’t consciously do anything different but after what I experienced I promised not to  allow anyone to make me feel so helpless again. I see my partner and I as two seperate people who choose to be together. We have been together 24/7 for six years now and it still works!! When I first got with my partner I told him what I had been through and that I had promised myself that if anyone treated me in that way again I would be out the door. So he knew the score from the beginning. Luckily I have met a caring, thoughtful person and we are very compatible. We have the same values and outlook on life but have our disagreements too!!

We have been through tough times and we are both still working through the aftermath of trauma but we still find the humour in life and appreciate each other. I know I could live without him. It would be difficult and it would take time but I know that I would be ok on my own. Some people wouldn’t understand that way of thinking but like I’ve said, we all have to love ourselves and put our mental and physical welfare before anyone else. I expect my partner to do the same. I am still suffering the damaging effects both physical and mental from my last relationship. (I now have a chronic health condition which is worsened by any emotional stress.)

My ex had a lot of emotional issues which she took out on me. I tried and tried to help her and I fought to keep the relationship but it takes two to make a relationship work. I realised that I was not responsible for sorting out her issues. Yes, I could support her but it was her responsibility to sort out her ‘stuff’.

Anyway, I hope that is of some help to you.

Anne.

Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your lovely comments. I have a chronic health condition it takes a lot of energy for me to post so it is nice to know that my efforts are appreciated.

Best wishes,

Anne.