What is wrong with me?

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This topic has 4 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by Anonymous.

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May 21, 2018 at 11:30 am #208535

dana
Participant

2 years ago June, I started talking to my son’s friends dad. At the time, he was not emotional available as he was just getting out of a bad relationship. We started off talking as friends and really had a connection, both emotionally and physically. We ended up sleeping with each other and weren’t “officially” friends with benefits but that what it was. After 2 months, I started to have feelings and told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He said he was in no way ready for a relationship but wanted to remain close friends with me. Long story short, there was an incident where I got jealous and felt he might have been using me and we had a falling out. 2 weeks after I “ended” it, he met someone else and has continued to see her for the last 2 years. She now lives 2 hours away and he still sees her. The problem is, I KNOW this guy isn’t good for me for various reasons. I KNOW I deserve better, someone who will adore me. I KNOW there is someone else out there for me. However, I can’t stop thinking and borderline obsessing about this guy. I check his facebook page to see what he’s doing, to see if he posts pics of he and the GF, of which is NEVER has posted anything about her, except the food she cooks him but then doesn’t even mention her name. Anyway, I can NOT get over this guy! It’s ridiculous and I hate myself for hanging on to him. The desire for him is not as intense at times but then it comes creeping back. I haven’t even been remotely interested in anyone else even though I’ve tried. If this guy came back, I don’t even know if I would want that because I know he is not the kind of man I want or need, nor will he give me what I deserve. I don’t know if it’s the fact that he basically “rejected” me or couldn’t have a relationship with me, then met someone and has been with her ever since. I don’t know if I need a frontal labotomy or what 🙂 It’s definitely NOT normal to keep pining over someone that clearly has no interest in you for two years! Any suggestions would be helpful. Maybe therapy? Sometimes when I get so deep into thinking about him, I feel sick, like right now. I’m almost in tears. I really feel like I’m a complete nutcase. This is just not normal 🙁

May 21, 2018 at 11:42 am #208541

Mark
Participant

dana,

Therapy is good whenever you need a professional, outside opinion/perspective/help. You want to let go this obsessive focus on this wrong guy who has not really been in your life for a while. Good for you for recognizing that this is not healthy.

Start with therapy and get that help. Let us know how that goes.

In the meantime, find something productive to focus on such as volunteer work and/or your son.

Mark

May 21, 2018 at 11:50 am #208543
Inky
Participant
Hi dana,

Your feelings are TOTALLY normal! This guy was all, “I’m not ready for a relationship”. Then he had a quasi-relationship with you nonetheless. As soon as you verbalized it you made it REAL. Some men of the doltish variety don’t like REAL. If they do like real, THEY are the one who have to declare it REAL. Then the nerve of him declaring something else was REAL two weeks later. (Sounds like panic to me). And to top it off, she lives conveniently far away. (Sounds like he’s a coward.) And the clincher is it’s still going on!! (Kind of. Two hours apart, who can tell?? Once a week? Once a month? Once a season? They met twice?)

But don’t you see what’s happening? Dollars to donuts THAT isn’t a real relationship either. Two hours away. Doesn’t mention her on Facebook. Only posts food, not her face. Does she exist? Seriously. She might be fictitious. If not, she might be having the “where is this relationship going” talk.

I think you’re more angry with him than you love him. He was so lucky to have you! He blew it! BUT HE DOESN’T KNOW IT!

Be mad, sister! And every time you catch a glimpse of him again, I’m telling you, I promise you he will look SADDER and SADDER. Sad as in, you will be embarrassed that you ever fell for him.

Onward!

Inky
- This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Inky.
May 21, 2018 at 11:58 am #208547

dana
Participant

Thank you. Thank you for understanding and helping me see that what I feel IS valid. Yes to everything you said! I do think it’s the rejection part that is preventing me from moving on. In writing this, it just validated that in fact, I’m hurting from being rejected. When I do start talking to another man, he may be ok but when it gets close to meeting, I freeze up and run. I think I fear getting hurt and rejected again. FYI, my last relationship did so much damage to me emotionally and very much financially. I think I need to go to therapy. I’ve got to get this worked out. Thank you again for helping me feel not so cray-cray!!!

May 22, 2018 at 4:54 am #208671

Anonymous
Guest

Dear dana:

When fearing something new, a new relationship with a man you didn’t yet meet, it is safer to focus on what is not a threat: a relationship that was, is no longer, cannot be (him having another girlfriend), and so the heart entertains a love story that is not happening. Since it is not happening, it is safe.

anita

May 22, 2018 at 8:06 am #208623

Sachin Patil
Participant

Dear Dana,

After reading your writing one thing i would like to tell you is,

Loving someone unconditionally is the only way to love someone,

your facing it from last two years and your mind and heart both are occupied with his thoughts, this is absolutely fine, because you love him genuinely,

let me tell you one thing i am facing such scenario in my life since last 4 years, we both are working in same office, everyday i have to face her, she don’t care anything about my feelings, its hurts when i see her flirting with other guys in office, year ago i was in similar situation like yours, i can say worst than yours because she claimed that is was never love it was just lust,

Deep down under only i know how genuine and pure my feeling are for her,

But then everyday i was hurting myself by observing her in details (Including her behavior and social networking like you mentioned Facebook)

But one day when i talked to myself on very deeper level

Somethings that i realized and eventually these help me out :

1. My love for her is unconditional so it really doesn’t matter what she is thinking about it or how she behaving with me.

2. Don’t except anything from anyone, expectation will gonna hurt you only.

2. She knows her life and her choices better so let her live her life as i don’t have any control on her life. my part is just pray and do good for her whenever possible because fate will play its role anyway no matter what you do.

3. Till today first thing i do in the morning every single day is pray for her health, happiness and family, it release my emotion burden.

4. Sometimes not getting what you want is ultimate stroke of luck.

5. Do believe in KARMA, because it will play its role for sure.

I hope this will help you out

Keep Smiling, Keep Loving
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