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What Should I Do?

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  • This topic has 12 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 5 years ago by JC.
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  • March 24, 2019 at 8:23 am #286037
    JC
    Participant

    Hello,

    I got involved with a woman who was coming out of a difficult divorce. She pursued me but she was wary of a relationship. She believed herself to be emotionally unavailable. We began to date and things moved quickly until she broke it off because she felt things were moving too fast. We were both guilty of accelerating things. We both agree that there is an endeniable connection and chemistry between us. After a month of no contact, we agreed to exclusively date again. (I reached out to her)But we would move very slowly. And this would be treated as an entirely new relationship. We text but do not talk during the week. We go out once a weekend for a date. However, she doesn’t always respond to texts…we might text once or twice a day. She tells me not to read into things that she just wants to be able to do her own things and see me as well. It’s only been two weeks since this new relationship, so I know it’s early but should I continue to see what happens? Is this really just taking it slow? How long should we go on like this? Is she having the best of both worlds or just working through stuff? She knows I’d eventually like a serious relationship and she told me she does value and want to fight for our relationship but she’s not sure if she can ever take down her walls. Neither one of us want to be with anyone else. She has told me she knows our relationship could be the best she’s ever had. She is a wonderful woman but impossible to read. Her actions and words often contradict…it’s like she lets herself go with her feelings and then she tries to check herself. Is she scared? Is she unwilling? Should I give it time? Should I move on?

    Thanks,

    JC

    March 24, 2019 at 8:44 am #286053
    Mark
    Participant

    JC,

    Dr. Joy Browne had a rule, do not date until one year after the divorce papers are signed.  I think this is a good rule for it gives the person a year to be emotionally on their own, to recover from the marriage, to figure out who they are and what they want, to be an independent person without a partner.

    Jumping into another relationship seems like a good idea but this is what they call a rebound.  She is looking for someone who is not like her ex, who can give her what she missed in her marriage, who is more fill-in-the-blank (e.g. emotionally available, sexually alive/adventuresome, etc.).

    You are now experiencing this woman’s discovery that she needs to figure out who she is and what she wants.  One month is not enough time to do that.  I would walk away.

    Mark

     

    March 24, 2019 at 10:11 am #286079
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JC:

    It does read like “Her actions and words often contradict”- her actions contradict her actions and her words contradict her words as well: she pursued you and broke it off, she said that she felt an “undeniable connection and chemistry” and that she is “emotionally unavailable” (how can a person not emotionally available feel a strong emotional connection..?)

    In this “new relationship” you text her once or twice a day and sometimes she does not respond to your texts. How often does she ignore your texts and when she does text, does she tell you why she ignored a previous text?

    anita

    March 24, 2019 at 10:24 am #286087
    JC
    Participant

    She tells me not to read anything into it…I think she’s deliberately trying to establish boundaries for herself because she admits that it was so easy for us to go too fast. We both have young kids and she freaked out because she saw us having a blended family. I reminded her that that is something way down the road. I think she’s scared and confused. She says when it’s just the two of us it’s magic and it really is…I just don’t understand why we can’t simplify things and focus on the good.

    March 24, 2019 at 10:50 am #286095
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JC:

    What kinds of texts that you send her does she ignore, how often?

    anita

    March 24, 2019 at 10:54 am #286097
    JC
    Participant

    Sometimes she’ll ask a question and I’ll respond and then I don’t hear from her.

    March 24, 2019 at 12:21 pm #286111
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JC:

    Okay, so it is not like you ask a question and she does not respond. When texting, someone has to be the last to text, can’t keep responding to each other, that way texting will take place all day long.

    I will be away from the computer for a while and will answer more when I return. Maybe other members will reply to you before I am back. Feel free to add any information that may be relevant.

    anita

    March 24, 2019 at 3:01 pm #286133
    Mark
    Participant

    JC,

    In case you missed it, I replied as well.

    Mark

    March 24, 2019 at 4:41 pm #286139
    JC
    Participant

    I did Mark thanks. What she wants is for us to date exclusively and take things slowly. I just feel at times it’s on her terms. I’m trying to be patient and understand but it’s wearing on me.

    March 24, 2019 at 6:23 pm #286145
    Mark
    Participant

    So be forewarned JC that she is not ready to date anyone because of being too soon and she has not done the person work on herself in being on her one.

    Mark

    March 25, 2019 at 11:46 am #286277
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear JC:

    I understand her caution in the relationship with you, the two of you having young children from previous relationships does call for caution.

    Things went too fast and she wants it to slow down, reasonable to me.

    Problem is you are uncomfortable with taking things slow. You are building some anger toward her, for not going fast like before, faster like you would like.

    I would say that the only two reasonable choices for you are to either take it slow, as it is currently or end the relationship. Trying to accelerate it will be wrong for her, for her children, and for yours. Remember the primary responsibility of a parent should be the emotional well being of young children.

    If a parent is more available and attentive for her/his children with a limited romantic relationship or none at all, then a parents should limit or end a romantic relationship altogether.

    anita

    March 25, 2019 at 12:30 pm #286289
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi JC,

    I would leave her alone. Let her take the lead. And don’t meet her kids.

    I’m serious. The kids don’t need a new “daddy” or even an “uncle”. Especially now.

    Let the woman breathe!

    Best,

    Inky

    March 25, 2019 at 12:39 pm #286293
    JC
    Participant

    We just want to focus on us taking it slow. Neither one of us desires to involve the kids. The plan is to see each other once a week for a date night.

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