Hi Yana

Thank you for sharing such wonderful quotes. ❤️

Dear Jana,

yes, beautiful quotes indeed. The quote about the pause reminds me of what Viktor Frankl said:

Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.

If we pause, the space opens… in which can choose our response. We don’t need to react, but we can respond. It’s something that I am learning to do as well.

I like another quote, by an American psychologist and coach Henry Cloud, who said:

Anger is a signal, not a solution.

What he means is that it’s okay to feel anger, because sometimes it means that our boundaries are being crossed, that we’re violated in some way. Anger in itself is not bad – it can be a useful signal to us that we should protect ourselves. However, it doesn’t mean we should react with anger, in anger. Instead, we can learn how to set boundaries assertively and compassionately.

And also, when we feel anger, it’s good to observe ourselves: why we feel angry, are we facing an external threat, are we being abused, or maybe we’re overreacting because the situation reminds us of something we’ve experienced before, i.e. it’s an old wound that got reopened?

Sometimes both can be true: there is abuse or mistreatment coming from another person, and we’re overreacting because of our past trauma. So we need to unpick what is due to our own sensitivity and perhaps our false perception of things, and what is really hurtful that is coming from the outside.

In any case, I like the notion that anger is a signal, but not a solution. When we feel anger, we need to pause and reflect. And come up with a solution, a response, which is more balanced and compassionate than if we reacted from anger.

I too am still learning these things. It’s good to talk about it and find solutions that are both compassionate and assertive. I guess that’s the point of non-violent communication. Thanks, Jana, for starting this topic ❤️

Hi Jana,

it is okay to feel anger when there is mistreatment, but it is not okay to turn our anger into a lifestyle.

I think I know what you’re talking about: there are indeed people who are angry “just because”, i.e. anger is their lifestyle, because they tend to keep blaming others for their problems. They refuse to see how they themselves are contributing to their own problems.

And yes, it’s hard to communicate with such people, because the moment you point out something they might do differently, or that they might not be viewing the situation correctly, they lash out at you and start blaming you. Their defensiveness is so strong that it’s hard, if not impossible, to reach them.

And yeah, in such situation we run the risk of getting angry and reactive ourselves, and to further escalate the conflict. I like what Thich Nhat Hanh says that in order to communicate with those people, we need to become more mindful:

You have to train yourself first to become skillful. Practice mindful breathing, mindful walking, embracing your own suffering, and using loving speech. Then, you can approach the other person with your solid presence and your mindful speech.

I think it’s important to remain calm and non-reactive, as much as possible. It depends on what kind of relationship we have with the person, but if we’re family and we need to (or want to) communicate, I think it’s important not to try to prove our point (i.e. prove to them that we’re right and they’re wrong), because that’s only going to make them more angry and defensive.

We need to be more mindful in our speech, but also in what we can expect from them, because a lot of the times they’re not interested in a significant change. So we need to drop some of our expectations and be less emotionally attached. And stop with unproductive fights and conflicts, because those lead nowhere, they only make us feel worse.

So I think emotional self-regulation and semi-detachment (letting go of trying to change some things) are really important in trying to communicate with those people. That’s step No1: sort of cultivating our own emotional state when interacting with them. Not allowing ourselves to be provoked and react in an angry, unbalanced way.

some people will not take their full responsibility for becoming a healthy person… and my compassion is not a bottomless well…

Yeah, some people refuse to take responsibility for their own actions, their own unhealthy or even self-destructive lifestyle. And I find that in those cases, we have to partially accept that and let them go (stop trying to “save” them).

Maybe I’m wrong, but I feel like being emotionally detached is also a form of compassion, but it manifests differently, because we’re not trying to help as much, we’re not trying to change their life circumstances if they’re so resistant to change.

To me, it’s a kind of detached compassion, where we’re not exhausting ourselves in trying to help, since they’re pushing our help way. We accept, radically accept certain things (but of course, if there is significant danger that they’re causing to either themselves or others around them, we might still take some action). But again, even if we take action, it doesn’t come from this desperate place of trying to change them, to turn them into a different person, to change their character.

I don’t know if this can be called compassion, but it helped me be less emotionally attached, and as a result, more calm and balanced in the relationship with the person. And the relationship doesn’t feel so exhausting and threatening any more.

I hear you when you say that your compassion is not a bottomless pit. What I find is that when I detach myself, I can be compassionate but without hurting myself in the process, without “grasping” and trying to change the person.

Let me know what you think?

Hi Jana,

you’re welcome!

Are you interested in Buddhism?

Hmm, I’d say I’m the closest to Christian mysticism, but I think the mystical branches in all religions tend to converge to one universal truth.. perhaps. And I definitely agree with many of the Buddhist teachings. I mean, the concept of mindfulness has its roots in Buddhism, right? (forgive me for being so ignorant), and it’s a hugely important idea. To be able to sit with anything that comes up, without judging ourselves, but simply observing. That’s the basis of self-compassion. So yeah, I definitely have a great respect for Buddhist teachings ❤️

I like the concept of watering the seeds. It reminds me of the Cherokee legend of two wolves, and the question of which one we’re feeding…

Now as I’m thinking of those “bad” seeds in us (seeds of anger, fear, sadness, as you say), I believe that a lot of that has been planted during our childhood. Trauma has left us with a lot of fear, anger (sometimes expressed, sometimes suppressed), sadness, hopelessness, feeling unworthy, undeserving of love, etc.

And now, as adults, when we encounter people or situations that remind us of how we’ve felt in childhood, those seeds get watered again. Our wounds get reopened. Our false believes get reaffirmed.

And I think that working on ourselves, healing those childhood wounds, would be akin to taking care of our garden, pruning it, plucking out the weeds.

Selective watering involves mindful practice to water the seeds of love, peace, and compassion, which strengthens them and helps them bloom, while the seeds of anger or fear are safe and dormant in the soil… I take care of them, of course, but I don’t water them… otherwise my garden would be full of thorns…

I wouldn’t even say that the seeds of anger or fear should stay dormant (i.e. suppressed). I mean, we shouldn’t express anger in our communication with others, that’s for sure. We should restrain ourselves.

However, we ourselves should be aware of it and start unpacking it (the best to do it in therapy), because if some things upset us hugely, if we feel disproportional anger, then it’s most probably something from our childhood. We have most probably been somehow mistreated, and that anger and hurt is coming to the surface whenever the situation reminds us of that old wound.

Similarly with fear. For example, I know that the irrational fear I’m feeling in certain areas of my life – has to do with my childhood conditioning. The seed of fear has been planted long ago. And so I need to put conscious effort into not slipping into fear whenever I face a challenge now, in my adulthood.

Sorry if this is becoming too burdensome (it is for me, as I’m writing it 🙂 ). But I think this is what Hanh is talking about when he says that we’re partly responsible for our own suffering:

When we suffer, we have the tendency to blame other people and to see them as the source of our suffering. We don’t recognize that we are responsible to some extent for our suffering as well as for making those around us suffer.

If we have a lot of childhood wounds, e.g. lot of subconscious fear and anger, we will tend to misunderstand people, see bad intention where there is none, react with anger and escalate things, or withdraw easily and not stand up for ourselves, for example. We’ll interpret situations and events in a much more unfavorable light, and those “seeds” will get watered again, strengthening our fear and/or anger. And our suffering will continue.

And when he says:

Practice mindful breathing, mindful walking, embracing your own suffering, and using loving speech.

I think that to embrace our own suffering means to become aware of our trauma, of how we’ve been hurt in our childhood, of what emotional needs haven’t been met, etc. Because all that contributes to our present-day suffering.

If we can heal those wounds, we would lessen our suffering. I’m not saying we would eliminate it, because it’s not possible, but we wouldn’t see things in a bad light, we wouldn’t see harm when there is none, we wouldn’t get triggered so easily. And so our suffering would be greatly reduced.

When I think about it now, I feel guilty that I let myself be influenced by others, but it’s something natural and normal that people and their energies influence me… somewhere along the path of my life I got this strange message that I’m weak if I let myself be influenced… that I have to endure everything… because it’s supposed to be done like that…

Yes, that can also be a message that we’ve received from our parents or authority figures: that we shouldn’t be so upset about being bullied, for example. I don’t know if this is the message you’ve received in your childhood, but if the victim of abuse is told that it’s not a big deal, they shouldn’t make a scene about it, they should be more “grown up” about it and just take it, endure it… that kind of messaging can be very harmful.

The truth is that it’s okay to be upset and angry if we were abused. We’re not weak for that. We’re people of flesh and blood. We’ve got feelings. And it’s specially hard if we were told that as children, if our pain hasn’t been properly acknowledged, if we were told that we were weak for not taking the abuse calmly, for not enduring it.

That kind of messaging is very harmful for a child. I don’t know if you’ve experienced something like that, and I don’t want to pry if you feel uncomfortable talking about it. But it’s certainly not true that we need to endure abuse – neither as children, nor now. Only now we have the tools to protect ourselves – and to do it in a compassionate, respectful way.

I hope I haven’t burdened you too much with this… but please do let me know if something doesn’t sit well with you. As you might have noticed, I’m quite eager to talk about this topic 🙂 but let me know if this is becoming too much…

Stay well and take care! ❤️

Hi Jana,

I have never blamed anyone for my troubles (I used to have strong social phobia since very early childhood until 25… I’m 36 today) or for what happened to me.

That’s a great character feature, Jana. Blaming others and not taking responsibility for our own life isn’t what will bring us forward. It won’t change our life circumstances, but will keep us stuck in the victim mentality.

So you’re right in not blaming others. However, sometimes we need to establish what happened – if there was trauma or some of our emotional needs haven’t been met during our childhood – because only when we know what’s missing, can we heal it.

Barbara Heffernan, a psychotherapist whose youtube channel I follow, once said:

Healing is a fact-finding, not a fault-finding mission.

We need to establish the facts of what happened to us – not with the goal of blaming people, but with the goal of healing. And a large part of healing is healing our inner child, giving her what she might have not received in childhood.

My parents are regular people with some mistakes, like all people. They both expressed regrets that they would have done things differently if they could go back… My mom was so unhappy thinking what a horrible mother she had to be 😔… which isn’t true! ❤️

This is wonderful that your parents expressed regret for perhaps not doing certain things properly in your childhood, of perhaps making mistakes that might have affected you later in life. It’s great that they’re self-aware and willing to admit that perhaps they haven’t been the greatest parents back then.

My mother for example would never do it, she would never admit that she wasn’t the greatest, most loving mother she could have been. And she definitely wasn’t: she was strict, lacked empathy for me, and very perfectionist. And other things. But she believes she was a loving mother, who sacrificed herself for me.

I love them and I know they love us (we are 4 children) and they are much more open to show affection to us today than ever before. 😊 Life runs and people change and realize a lot on the way…

That’s wonderful, Jana! The fact that they can show affection much more readily than before and that they have changed is amazing. Not all people are able to do that. Not all parents change for the better – some remain stubborn. So you’re lucky, Jana, that you have parents who are willing to examine themselves and grow. ❤️

When I had bad feelings about my past a few days ago… these are just echoes of my suffering… so I don’t forget what it was like…

You know, childhood trauma tends to stay with us, affecting us even into our adulthood, even if our parents (or people close to us) have changed in the meanwhile. That’s because we’ve received some of those key developmental imprints during our childhood.

That’s when we’ve learned whether we’re worthy of love or not, whether our needs are important or not, whether we matter or not. It is in our childhood that we’ve received those key “messages”, or imprints, that define how we ourselves today.

So even if our parents are more loving and caring than they were in our childhood, chances are that our inner child is still seeing the world through those distorted lenses, since the old imprints are still active. I’m not saying this is the case with you, just that it’s something worth considering. That if you find yourself reacting to things in the old way, even if the circumstances (and people) around you have changed, perhaps it’s your inner child still reacting to those old wounds and old conditioning. Just an idea…

I can feel that childhood is your topic.

Oh yes, definitely. And that’s because I’ve realized and experienced on my own skin how important healing the inner child is. Before I’ve started working with my inner child, I was stuck, I suffered from an eating disorder, I was blaming myself, I had no empathy for myself, my inner critic was very strong. Only when I’ve learned about the concept of the inner child, have I started to experience a significant shift in self-love, self-compassion and eventually, self-worth. Before that, I was really in a bad place, and it had lasted for a long long time.

If you want to share more from your experience, you can.

I’d be happy to share more about my healing, if you’re interested. I’ve shared a lot over the years on this forum, both about my childhood background and my healing, but if you’re interested in something specific, I’d be happy to talk about it. ❤️