Hello Tee, ☀️

Thank you. I need a lot of time alone and in peace. I’m an introvert and I kind of sense energies online too… I live a little outside of civilization, so I have the luxury of peace and quiet at home. 😊

I agree – my three siblings and I are completely different, both in character and appearance, and we all have the same parents. We also each have a completely different relationship with both of them.

I was afraid that a psychologist or psychiatrist would give me pills and that would be the end of me. Pills don’t solve the causes of trauma. I know that my social phobia was a traumatic reaction to bullying, especially beatings. I had many very painful and humiliating memories of being beaten up in public and no one helping me. 💔 On the contrary, some children even wished it on me or laughed at me. Our school was unfortunately very sick. There were a lot of neglected children. The boys were very aggressive.

I started EFT therapy (emotional freedom technique by Gary Craig) after I graduated high school. It’s a lot about working with emotions and sensations in the body that memories trigger. Today, these memories don’t bother me anymore, they don’t evoke anything in me, for me it’s a sign that the worst is over… but given how it was and how long it took, I can’t just erase some of the scars… As you wrote… conditioning…. maybe now it’s about having compassion and care for these scars. ❤️‍🩹 😊

The healing is actually lifelong. So, I continue… 😊

Somatic therapy sounds interesting. For a long time I couldn’t get rid of the body trembling – it was my body’s reaction. It kind of went away on its own, only when I really processed the pain in depth around the age of 5, when the bullying started. The healer (EFT coach) helped me with it.

I know that not everyone should do healing alone. If someone had a really difficult childhood, they shouldn’t work with their memories from childhood and inner child alone, but with a therapist. It doesn’t hurt me anymore because I have processed the worst, but I know very well that going back to the darkest memories is painful and difficult. Someone recently wrote to me, when we were discussing the inner child, that they go into psychosis when they return to childhood. So it’s very important to have someone to help us with this, certainly at least in the beginning, when our condition is still very serious.

Now, I focus a lot on mindfulness, meditation, and various simple exercises with my inner child. It comforts me and with thorough practice – every day – and allowing myself to be calm, I feel better and more grounded.

Do you want me to share some of these “exercises” with you in the future? It’s nothing difficult or special. Really. I just came up with my own things that work for me. 😊 But I rather ask if there’s anyone here who might be uncomfortable with the topic of the inner child. ❤️

Sending 🤗

🦋

PEACE TREATY
In Order That We May Live Long and Happily Together, In Order That We May Continually Develop and Deepen Our Love and Understanding, We the Undersigned Vow to Observe and Practice the Following:

I, the one who is angry, agree to:
1 Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further
damage or escalate the anger.
2 Not suppress my anger.
3 Practice breathing and taking refuge in the island of myself.
4 Calmly, within twenty-four hours, tell the one who has made me
angry about my anger and suffering, either verbally or by
delivering a Peace Note.
5 Ask for an appointment for later in the week (e.g., Friday
evening) to discuss this matter more thoroughly, either verbally
or by Peace Note.
6 Not say: “I am not angry. It’s okay. I am not suffering. There is
nothing to be angry about.”
7 Practice breathing and looking deeply into my daily life—while
sitting, lying down, standing, and walking—in order to see:
a the ways I myself have been unskillful at times.
b how I have hurt the other person because of my own habit
energy.
c how the strong seed of anger in me is the primary cause of
my anger.
d how the other person’s suffering, which waters the seed of my
anger, is the secondary cause.
e how the other person is only seeking relief from his or her
own suffering.
f that as long as the other person suffers, I cannot be truly
happy.
8 Apologize immediately, without waiting until the Friday evening,
as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.
9 Postpone the Friday meeting if I do not feel calm enough to
meet with the other person.

I, the one who has made the other angry, agree to:
1 Respect the other person’s feelings, not ridicule him or her, and
allow enough time for him or her to calm down.
2 Not press for an immediate discussion.
3 Confirm the other person’s request for a meeting, either verbally
or by note, and assure him or her that I will be there.
4 Practice breathing and taking refuge in the island of myself to
see how:
a I have seeds of unkindness and anger in me, as well as habit
energy, that can make the other person unhappy.
b I have mistakenly thought that making the other person suffer
would relieve my own suffering.
c By making him or her suffer, I make myself suffer.
5 Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of
mindfulness, without making any attempt to justify myself and
without waiting until the Friday meeting.

❤️

🦋

Hello Tee,

Don’t worry. It’s not horrible. ❤️ The truth is, I take it in stride and now I remember the nice things from my childhood much more often.

Alessa asked me a while ago if there was anyone who protected me. And there was. My older brother took really good care of me and his friends too. The older kids I met outside (not at our school) were also really nice. I remember them giving me advice on what to do if I met someone mean and how to defend myself, and where I shouldn’t go alone, etc. Sometimes I was with adults outside, and luckily they were always very kind. No older kids or adults ever hurt me.

I had really nice grandmothers. They were very supportive. It’s a shame they weren’t as good mothers as grandmothers. My parents didn’t have the easiest relationships with their mothers either. I felt that very early on, and maybe it also helped me look at our relationship a little more objectively. Where were my parents supposed to learn to be more emotionally accessible, when their own mothers were quite strict with them? They just copied the pattern. But as I mentioned before, my parents made great progress and managed to bridge that emotional gap. ❤️ We just had an election. And my parents voted for a party that has mental health care on its agenda… I was very positively surprised. 😊

They knew about my social phobia, but I am not sure if I told them that I was bullied. I was too shy to speak about it.

So, there were many positives as well. And I’m becoming more and more aware of them and remembering them more than the negatives. 😊

Honestly, what really pulled me into those difficult memories a few days ago here on the forum was that strong defensive, almost agressive energy that dominated the forum in that moment. Now, I am more aware of that and I will be more careful about it. ❤️ ☀️

But what about you? How are you doing these days? Do I understand correctly that your mother had/has narcissistic personality disorder?

I’ll write about the inner child tomorrow. If you have any experiences working with your inner child, feel free to share them as well. ☺️

🦋

Hello everyone,

I would like to share with you some notes about the inner child. This is a short exercise with two cushions from Hahn’s book Fear (I really recommend the book – a very interesting and enlightening look at the original fear).

Talking to the inner child:

Put down two cushions. First sit on one cushion and pretend you are the helpless, vulnerable child. You express yourself: “Dear one, I am very helpless. I cannot do anything. It’s very dangerous. I’m going to die; nobody is taking care of me.” You have to speak the language of the baby. And while you are expressing yourself like that, if the feelings of fear, hopelessness, stress, and helplessness come up, please allow them to come up and recognize them. Allow the helpless child enough time to express herself fully. This is very important.
After she has finished, move to the other cushion to play the role of the adult self. As you look at the other cushion, imagine the helpless child is sitting there and talk to her: “Listen to me. I am your adult self. You are no longer a helpless child; we have grown up into an adult already. We have enough intelligence to protect ourselves, to survive by ourselves. We don’t need someone to take care of us anymore.”

I have stuffed animals from my childhood at home and I use a small stuffed bunny instead of a cushion. 😊 It was my favorite toy, which made me feel safe when I cuddled with it. At the same time, it is a symbol of my childhood vulnerability for me. It’s more personal to me to talk to my favourite toy than just an empty cushion, and it connects me more deeply with my inner child.

I have more stuffed animals from my childhood, as well as other items, like my first earrings or even a lock of hair. When I started to have more hair, my mom cut it off and kept it as a keepsake. That’s how it’s done here. Some moms even keep their children’s first teeth. I have them, too. 😄 It’s a bit strange habit!

I think it’s better to have some childhood objects or maybe photos. They can help us connect with the inner child more authentically and deeply.

I don’t use the same words. I think it’s very important that we say our own words, what we really feel. Hanh has a lot of guided meditations on YouTube, which are certainly very useful, but in my opinion it’s better for us to say our own words, mantras, meditations, to make the “ritual” as personal as possible. It’s better to say it out loud, not just in the head.

I actually use his own words from his video The Second Element of True Love: Karuna, which speaks to my heart a lot. Sometimes I say them to myself, sometimes I play the video and listen to him and think of my inner child:

Darling, I know there is a lot of suffering, uneasiness, difficulty in you. I know…
In the past, I have said things, I’ve done things that have made the situation worse.
Now, I’ve already understood… I don’t want to continue like that.
So, darling, please tell me about your suffering, your difficulties, your aspirations.
I am free now. I am able to listen to you.
I know that I have not understood you enough.
Now my desire, deepest desire is to understand you deeply
so that I will not make you suffer anymore like I have done in the past.

It helps me cultivate compassion for myself, for my younger self… and forgive myself for not always treating myself well. And it also reminds me to have compassion for others, for their pain and suffering, and their inner children. I really love these words. It’s full of love, vulnerability, compassion. It became my personal mantra.

I remember that I used to be unable to say “You’re pretty” out loud to my inner child. It was so cringe and uncomfortable that it was impossible to say it… This seed was planted in me a lot by my mom and sister. Pretty harsh comments about my appearance since early childhood. And it affected me so much that in my teens I had trouble looking at myself in the mirror. I was so ashamed of myself… We have to keep trying, watch what’s going on inside us, work with those emotions – maybe even with someone who knows how to process emotions better, and gradually it becomes normal and natural.

For me, appearance is not very important. For me, being a good person has always been essential. But when our self-image is so strongly influenced, we need to work on it, because it has a very negative impact on our mental health. I suffered from extreme shyness and the false belief that no one could love me because I was so ugly, I avoided eye contact because I felt so ugly, and all of this led to isolation and self-pity…

Today, I can even smile at myself in the mirror. I let my messy wavy/curly hair grow out long like before. No more ironing, no more pulling it into a ponytail, no more fake colors… No more hiding my face under make-up. It may seem unrelated to the inner child, but in this way I return to my innocence, to the state when, as a child, I had no idea that I could be ugly. ❤️

I also connect with my inner child through activities I used to enjoy. I wander through nature, observe trees, plants, insects, take care of pets… it supports my childlike sensitivity and curiosity. I’ve also been trying to be more creative lately – I paint, draw, made things… when we become adults, we very quickly forget the childish part – being enthusiastic, creative, imaginative. I think this is generally very beneficial because it forces us to think a little differently.

In this regard, I also expose myself to more positive stress. This means that I try to do something different every week… even if it’s just going to the store in a different city or visiting unfamiliar places, … This way, I expose myself to the “unknown”, which used to be very scary for me as a child, and learn to be more flexible, creative and brave. ❤️ 😊

I try to regularly talk to myself – compassionately, kindly, supportively. This is something I missed as a little child… just a little tenderness, nothing more… This is the part I’m focusing on the most right now – I try to give myself what I missed as a child… just a gentle caress, a kind word, a smile, … and I also try to cultivate it by spreading it around. I make sure that my partner feels loved and cared about. And our families, too… even though they are not ready and open to accept it fully yet. It is okay. I believe that even just effort and intention are very important and that some tiny seed of love and compassion will eventually awaken within them… ❤️

🦋