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  • #432479
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I was also enjoying the attention. It was exciting to be back in contact. It was a distraction from some of my own issues in my own life. It was my loneliness“- contact with friendly people is exciting, especially when one is lonely. It’s like this for all social mammals. Think of dogs, how excited they get when in contact with people and with other dogs (who they don’t consider to be a threat), wagging their tails and all.

    Anyhow, we have not spoke other than in short. I have set a boundary, silently, and he seems to be respecting it“- it’s very important that you set boundaries and that people respect your boundaries!

    Boundaries are hard to stick to, I find. I don’t know if throughout the years my mind has created a poor memory, but I set boundaries and goals and can easily move on to the next or just forget, lose interest in this important goal/boundary I set. I find it hard to stay consistent. And it’s disappointing“- focus on how well you are doing; on where you succeed, not on where you fail. We all fail every day: it’s the human condition. Best you can do, when you fail, is to make a mental note of how you can do better the next time you encounter a similar situation. Make a note of it (in your mind, or you can write it down), like a student would, for the purpose of learning, without self-condemnation. Students learn better when they are treated kindly. Treat yourself. Always.

    Last month  my uncle and I spoke. During the conversation he let me know that he would like to gift me a down payment on a condo. I was stunned. I have never received such a monetary gift… I have a lot of work to do financially before I can afford this. This is a goal I must stick to.“- I can’t think of anyone more deserving of such a gift, how exciting! I hope the gift materializes. You’ve been wanting to buy a condo for years!

    anita

    #432723
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

     

    You are so right about that. The new attention is nice, especially in the beginning. Still holding up on the boundaries. I have had to be in contact with my brother for my father’s care. My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But I still do not like some of the roads our conversations take and I am still working on this. I also fear gaslighting from him. I think the past has to do with it but also that my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it. Sorry if I am ranting here. I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head.

     

    Thank you for that complement Anita! Saying I am most deserving of my gift. That means so much to me 🙂

     

     

    #432725
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    * I just re-read my last post to you, from May 8: I wrote: “Treat yourself. Always.”, I meant: Treat yourself kindly. Always.”

    And now, to your today’s post: “Still holding up on the boundaries“- good thing, that’s being kind to yourself.

    My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But… my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it… I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head“-

    – I went back to your 2018 thread where you shared about your older brother (I’ll refer to him here as OB) to get a better sense of him in relation to you. Today, you wrote about OB: “(He) says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes“. On Dec 7, 2018, you wrote about yourself: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes“. This is an important distinction: OB has to little empathy, you have too much of it. (It is not surprising to me because siblings in dysfunctional families often do take opposite roles).

    The next sentence you wrote back then, in the same post was: “I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame“. Connecting this to your current dilemma, I’d say that if your current contact with OB causes you any amount of self-hate, or self-shame then end the contact.

    Still, in the same post, you shared in regard to OB: “ I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation… I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to ‘please’ him and his fiancé for the last 9 years… I am so fed up with abuse… when I stand up for myself with these people, my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not“- what this means to me is that OB was supposed to fully acknowledge what he did to you, and express sincere regret before (and if) you were to have any relationship with him after the abuse. Also, I can see here his history of manipulation. As well as your history of feeling empathy for him and trying to please him.

    Six days later, on Dec 13, 2018, you shared: “I am still having trouble finding out where the love was or is… I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me. It such a hard reality to think I have been self hating and shaming for years. Its hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life…  It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self’. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family… I am just afraid in life, I don’t want to continue on with same old patterns. I want to learn to love myself and make a life… there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring“- again, my points are: (1) there shouldn’t be a relationship between you and OB if he didn’t yet fully acknowledge his years-long abuse of you, and expressed sincere regret for what he has done to you, (2) if contact with him (before or after him fully acknowledging the abuse, etc.) causes you shame and self-hate, there should be no contact. I will add that you’ve been doing very well since you left Chicago and moved back to Florida on your own. Be careful with the “same old pattern.. codependency habits” you mentioned in the quote above.

    It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not” (12/7/2018) “I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life?.. Biblical quotes” (5/16/2024)-

    Romans 12: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect… Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. <sup class=”versenum”> </sup>Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’<sup class=”versenum”> </sup>To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’<sup class=”versenum”> </sup>Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”-

    – What the above.. Personal and World Peace Recipe means to me, when it comes to your personal search, as a Christian, for clarity about “what is ok and what is not… (what is) the right thing“, is that the right thing to do is (as the quote above says) “Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all“-

    – Gracefully, give OB the opportunity to be honorable and fully acknowledge and repent for his years-long abuse of his sister by (1) bringing this up to him (in writing/ email, if it’s too difficult to do on the phone, or in-person), and (2) by not people-pleasing him before he fully acknowledged and repented. When you give him your empathetic time and kindness while he is not yet honorable (let’s say he made comments indirectly suggesting regret, but did not fully acknowledge and repented), he is less likely to be motivated to do what is honorable, and fully acknowledge and repent.

    Gracefully confronting him with the truth, and not people-pleasing him, does not mean repaying evil for evil. It means to not be conformed to this world (this world of neglected honor), but be transformed by the renewal of your mind (the renewal of love and honor for yourself, and for OB- by giving him the opportunity to love and honor you and others).

    Notice, it says Outdo one another in showing honor, outdo one another not in showing indiscriminate approval and affection, but in showing honor: civility, esteem, honesty, integrity, modesty, respect, and responsibility to all.

    anita

    #432726
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitted:

    Dear Nichole:

    * I just re-read my last post to you, from May 8: I wrote: “Treat yourself. Always.”, I meant: Treat yourself kindly. Always.”

    And now, to your today’s post: “Still holding up on the boundaries“- good thing, that’s being kind to yourself.

    My brother has been very sweet with letting me know how much he missed me in their life. He says I am so rare and such a good person and he wants to always be in my life. Very endearing. But… my brother can have manipulative ways. He has even admitted it and says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes. I can tell he is working on it… I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life? I know ultimately I control how much. I hear and a lot of people in the healing community talk about not going back to those who showed who they were etc. Even Biblical quotes but then also hear the contradiction of love your family. I just have that jiggling in my head“-

    – I went back to your 2018 thread where you shared about your older brother (I’ll refer to him here as OB) to get a better sense of him in relation to you. Today, you wrote about OB: “(He) says he is working on being more empathetic and putting himself in others shoes“. On Dec 7, 2018, you wrote about yourself: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes“. This is an important distinction: OB has to little empathy, you have too much of it. (It is not surprising to me because siblings in dysfunctional families often do take opposite roles).

    The next sentence you wrote back then, in the same post was: “I am currently suffering from self hate, self shame“. Connecting this to your current dilemma, I’d say that if your current contact with OB causes you any amount of self-hate, or self-shame then end the contact.

    Still, in the same post, you shared in regard to OB: “ I was sexually abused by my brother. I would say from what I remember ages 5-13. And I have kept it inside all these years. I’m just now learning to validate myself for what I went through. It was never a forceful thing it was a manipulation… I have often considered my brother and I to be close after the abuse and as an adult. He can be kind and we have both given each other great life advice. But at this point in my life I am very distant with him as I am feeling the pain of what he did to me. I am angry with myself for keeping a good relationship with him and honestly trying to ‘please’ him and his fiancé for the last 9 years… I am so fed up with abuse… when I stand up for myself with these people, my mind plays games with me and I start finding ways to empathize for what they did to me. And I almost wish they were back in my life. It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not“- what this means to me is that OB was supposed to fully acknowledge what he did to you, and express sincere regret before (and if) you were to have any relationship with him after the abuse. Also, I can see here his history of manipulation. As well as your history of feeling empathy for him and trying to please him.

    Six days later, on Dec 13, 2018, you shared: “I am still having trouble finding out where the love was or is… I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me. It such a hard reality to think I have been self hating and shaming for years. Its hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life…  It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self’. My life up until now has always been lived for others. I have always helped my family… I am just afraid in life, I don’t want to continue on with same old patterns. I want to learn to love myself and make a life… there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring“- again, my points are: (1) there shouldn’t be a relationship between you and OB if he didn’t yet fully acknowledge his years-long abuse of you, and expressed sincere regret for what he has done to you, (2) if contact with him (before or after him fully acknowledging the abuse, etc.) causes you shame and self-hate, there should be no contact. I will add that you’ve been doing very well since you left Chicago and moved back to Florida on your own. Be careful with the “same old pattern.. codependency habits” you mentioned in the quote above.

    It’s like I can’t trust my mind to establish what is ok and what is not” (12/7/2018) “I am just confused. Like did I do the right thing allowing them back in my life?.. Biblical quotes” (5/16/2024)-

    Romans 12: “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect… Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.’ To the contrary, ‘if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”-

    – What the above.. Personal and World Peace Recipe means to me, when it comes to your personal search, as a Christian, for clarity about “what is ok and what is not… (what is) the right thing“, is that the right thing to do is (as the quote above says) “Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all“-

    – Gracefully, give OB the opportunity to be honorable and fully acknowledge and repent for his years-long abuse of his sister by (1) bringing this up to him (in writing/ email, if it’s too difficult to do on the phone, or in-person), and (2) by not people-pleasing him before he fully acknowledged and repented. When you give him your empathetic time and kindness while he is not yet honorable (let’s say he made comments indirectly suggesting regret, but did not fully acknowledge and repented), he is less likely to be motivated to do what is honorable, and fully acknowledge and repent.

    Gracefully confronting him with the truth, and not people-pleasing him, does not mean repaying evil for evil. It means to not be conformed to this world (this world of neglected honor), but be transformed by the renewal of your mind (the renewal of love and honor for yourself, and for OB- by giving him the opportunity to love and honor you and others).

    Notice, it says Outdo one another in showing honor, outdo one another not in showing indiscriminate approval and affection, but in showing honor: civility, esteem, honesty, integrity, modesty, respect, and responsibility to all.

    Back to your post of 2.5 hours ago: “Thank you for that complement Anita! Saying I am most deserving of my gift“- you are very welcome, you do deserve good things!

    anita

    #436541
    sophy
    Participant

    I’m deeply sorry for your losses, Mehwish. Your pain is understandable, and it’s crucial to allow yourself time to grieve. Continue taking small steps toward healing and consider professional support. Reconnect with your values and passions, and practice self-compassion. You’re resilient, and finding meaning will take time but is possible.

    #438133
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Wow, 5 months since my last post. I can be a real procrastinator, I am sorry!

    I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to myself, I would like to catch up on our conversation. I am glad to be doing so now.

    I loved your response to my confusion and the way you used scripture. I trust this.

    The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this.

    These last few months I have had a decent amount of contact with family. My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well.  Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them. And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries. I was present. Although, they love me and missed me, they are still who they are.  A lot of behaviors I chose to excuse myself from and conversations I chose to stay out of. Boundaries like that made this visit so much better. I tried to only give what I had and took breaks when I needed it.

    This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning. Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family.

    There is no doubt I needed to get away from my family in the past.  And I needed to grow as a person and have my own life. But I do enjoy knowing I am mending these relationships.  It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around.

    I have had some long and “therapy like” conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me. I can see he is really trying to change and explore his feelings and his past. I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself.  I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that.

    I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse.

    I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?

    Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am.

    These are my late night thoughts. I am looking forward to hearing back from you Anita and hope that are doing well!

     

    #438134
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole: So GOOD to read from you again! I will reply further Mon morning.

    anita

    #438147
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    Indeed 5 months today since you posted last, and since my last reply to you (May 26, 2024). A little more history: you started this thread on Sept 11, 2019. Your very first post was on Aug 21, 2018.

    The sexual abuse is still hard for me to address with my brother. I have not felt an opportunity or desire to do this“- I understand, and of course, you don’t have to address it.

    My brother in Chicago had a wedding and asked me to be there so I actually seen my entire family for the first time in years. It went surprisingly well.  Most were very kind and seemed happy to see me. My aunt cried when she seen me. My cousins hugged me tight and let me know how much they missed me. I believe them“- notice that this very positive experience with your family took place during a special occasion: your younger brother’s wedding, and it happened after you didn’t see your entire family in years. If you moved back to Chicago, being in physical proximity and regular contact with your family, it will probably be a different experience.

    And I observed while I was there. I maintained my boundaries… This made me wonder if that’s all I needed to do from the beginning“- from the beginning, as a child, you were not able to form and maintain boundaries with your parents and older sibling (no child is), and when you were abused by them, it was not your fault (for not having boundaries). it was their fault.

    Or if this is something I can go forward with, with family…  It makes me feel motivated to continue building my life. Just with boundaries this go around“- having boundaries with people is necessary when it comes to healthy relationships. Others need to respect your boundaries though, just as you respect theirs.

    I have had some long and ‘therapy like’ conversations with my OB. He has opened up so much to me… I let him know after a really detailed conversation that I love him and want him to know I am here for him but really believe he needs to speak to a therapist. I put up a boundary and let him know that as he explores his past and continues to heal there will be too many things that come up that will be triggering for me since we grew up in the same household. I expressed that I am still healing myself.  I was proud to say that. He was accepting of that. I really do see him trying in ways that I am surprised by and I am hoping that as he digs deep there can one day be a conversation and apology for the abuse. I have asked myself if I am people pleasing in that. I know I am extending a lot of grace but I feel whole enough to do that at this point. Is that wrong?“-

    – You were not wrong according to the scriptures I quoted for you in my last reply, 5 months ago: “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor… Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all… if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink… Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Roman 12). The way you’ve been there for OB is .. almost saintly. And asserting your boundary with him, as you did, is admirable.

    Also, I don’t know if bringing that trauma to the fore front would be good for me right now. I am feeling more content and peaceful these days. Still have my ups and downs but so much more manageable. I am at a place where I just want to focus on continuing to build my foundation. Finding out who I am“- reads like bringing up that trauma to the forefront is not a good idea.

    I am glad that you are focused on building your foundation, finding out who you are: a good, honorable person!

    anita

    #438194
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Wow, how the years have moved along. Sometimes really bumpy and other times just small waves.

    Yes. thank you for pointing it out. That it was a vacation/wedding and we all had our happy faces on. I sometimes miss city life but do not wish to live that close to family. If I ever think of it and tell you please bring me back to reality!! lol! I do get a sense of distraction by being needed with family. But I think it’s only a distraction from the fact that I have to continue building my own life. Something no one can take away from me. I still resist a lot of change that I want to make in this area. Like planning more social events then cancel.  Plan to go to gym/park and end up at home scrolling on my phone.  Dating! I have gone on a few dates but no where near enough.

    Thank you for that compliment Anita! I do believe I am a good, honorable person but it’s been a while since I have felt that way. I still carry a lot of guilt. I also don’t think I spend enough time with people who have the capacity to celebrate me.

    OB is and always will be a challenging relationship or at least now and in near future until hopefully he goes to therapy but he will need A lot of it. I started my journey with therapy in 2017 and then started learning more and more in 2018 around the time of my perfect storm when I first reached out here.  I have grown and learned so much but still feel as though, just like showering, healing is a everyday thing. If you miss a few days, you notice and feel it.

    #438208
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I sometimes miss city life but do not wish to live that close to family. If I ever think of it and tell you please bring me back to reality!!“- I will and I’ll quote your words right here!

    I have to continue building my own life. Something no one can take away from me. I still resist a lot of change that I want to make in this area. Like planning more social events then cancel… Dating! I have gone on a few dates but no where near enough“- be empathetic and patient with yourself, you need these two things from yourself, and from others.

    Thank you for that compliment Anita! I do believe I am a good, honorable person but it’s been a while since I have felt that way. I still carry a lot of guilt“- you are welcome and I am glad that you know that you are indeed a good and honorable person. Maybe if you know this truth deeper, the guilt will finally dissolve.

    I also don’t think I spend enough time with people who have the capacity to celebrate me“- I hope you find yourself with people who celebrate you!

    I have grown and learned so much but still feel as though, just like showering, healing is a everyday thing. If you miss a few days, you notice and feel it.“- I agree, and personally (lol) I can’t miss more than a few hours of showering/ some kind of healing work before I notice!

    anita

    #441431
    anita
    Participant

    I hope you are well and building your own life this new year, Nichole!

    anita

    #444493
    Nichole
    Participant

    Hi Anita!!

    A little late, but Happy 2025!!
    Have I been working on a life of my own? Trying to.
    Some new things happened in life. I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24! Since then I have been settling in. Noticed that painting and doing diy tasks had been becoming a nice little distraction. So most recently realized I have to get back on track with my initial goals of making new connections and creating more of a life here. My condo is cozy and I work from home so I spend about 80 percent of my life in my home. It is a little lonely. Today I decided to try out a zoom connecting event. It was nice. And here I am writing to you.
    My father stayed a month with me during the move to my new place. It was a nice experience. We had a lot of fun together. I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is. Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have. He continues to struggle with addictions etc. So I’m still working on the feelings of disappointment when those times arise.
    I have been working on having more time in between calls with family as it is more peaceful for me that way. But altogether I am happy to have them in my life.
    I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing. Even girls I am friendly with at work are not very trustworthy and gaslight casually in conversations.
    I recently reconnected with a man I had dated a few years ago. Not the best choice. He and I are not compatible. I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with him because we just do not have the same beliefs in life. He also does not have the determination and goal mindset that I have. I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas. There is a lot of guilt towards letting the relationship/friendship go. A lot of times I allow my empathy for others to keep me in the situation. I am sure you know that about me though lol.
    I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful. I still have my days with anxiety and worry but often can tame that with tools I have learned throughout the years. I am just really wanting to zone in and make my life more lively.
    Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I am a customer service rep for insurance providers. Well, I feel I have more potential than what I am doing. But I did step down from a role with more responsibilities so that is confusing.
    I really want to get my real estate license. But I have such resistance. Like feeling like the pool is over saturated etc.

    That is where I am at these days! How are you Anita?

    #444494
    anita
    Participant

    I am THRILLED to read from you, Nichole! Not focused this Sat night, will reply further Sun morning.

    anita

    #444495
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I want to start by walking down memory lane. The first time you posted and the first time I replied to you was on August 21, 2018. At the time, you were living in Chicago in your mother’s apartment with your younger brother, nephew, and father after leaving Florida, where you had lived with a boyfriend who betrayed your trust. It was an incredibly difficult period for you. Two significant themes stand out from back then:

    * Fears of Abandonment and Being Alone: These fears kept you tied to the relationship despite the pain. You shared, “I am so afraid to let go,” “I am afraid to lose him,” and “I have a fear of abandonment.”

    * Patterns of Impulsivity and Reactivity: You left your boyfriend and Florida abruptly, followed by excessive calling and texting, confronting other women, and more. You expressed, “It is so hard to control my impulsivity sometimes,” and “I also have a terrible temper.”

    On September 26, 2018—just ten days after your mother passed away—you posted again. You reflected on your lifelong role as a caretaker for your mother, often sacrificing your own needs. You wrote, “I felt like I wasn’t shown much love growing up and was more so a caretaker for my mom throughout my life.”- While you resented this dynamic, you also struggled with guilt for not doing more to help her in her final weeks, saying, “I can’t stop feeling guilt from not being able to save her… I am so deeply hurt and sad.” At that time, you were grieving the loss of both your mother and the relationship you left behind in Florida.

    On November 26, 2018, you wrote: “Our father also lives with us, who was never really in our lives. He is recently clean from drugs almost two years for the first time in my life.”- That day, you acknowledged a history of neglect, addiction, and abuse within your family. You reflected on your codependent tendencies and caretaking role, which highlighted a recurring pattern of emotional dependence. You shared, “I just have no clue how to be alone or start a life of my own,” and expressed how putting others’ needs above your own had shaped your life.

    On December 3, 2018, you expressed profound grief and guilt regarding your mother’s passing, saying, “I wish I could go back in time and be there. And save her.” You also described moving from anger toward her to feelings of love and understanding—reflecting growth and the beginnings of emotional reconciliation. Your emotional intelligence and desire to heal were evident.

    Four days later, you wrote about your mother: “The problem I have is I have too much empathy. I put myself in her shoes.”- You noted how your empathy often led you to excuse others’ harmful actions. Even then, your ability to articulate your struggles and recognize patterns showed remarkable strength and potential for growth.

    On December 13, 2018, you shared profound realizations about your emotional patterns. You wrote, “I realize I have been looking for love all along. I have been pleasing people in hopes that they would love me.”- This acknowledgment, that your tendency to please others at your own expense stemmed from a lifelong search for validation, marked a turning point in understanding yourself.

    You further reflected: “It’s hard to realize I have been mainly abused and manipulated my whole life by my parents, my brother, men, and even strangers.”- You recognized how this abuse shaped your sense of self-worth and led to your codependency. You also wrote, “It is so hard to start having boundaries and learning myself and how to start even being a ‘self.’”- This highlighted the deep challenge of redefining your identity and setting boundaries after years of living for others.

    At the time, you were torn between prioritizing your own growth and maintaining your role as the emotional anchor for your family. You described the emotional ups and downs, writing, “Some days I am confident I can and I have boundaries and feel stable, and then there are days like today where I wake up with no confidence and my codependency habits are flaring.”- These words reflected your courage in confronting deeply ingrained patterns while seeking clarity and independence.

    On January 2, 2019, you shared that you had moved out of your mother’s apartment and were now living in your aunt’s basement. You wrote, “Now that I am here at my aunt’s I feel very lonely. All the things I was complaining about I miss… I miss my brother and even my father.”

    We continued to communicate over 27 pages, with our last exchange on that thread being on August 19–20, 2019. Sometime along the way, you moved out of your aunt’s basement and rented your own apartment in Chicago.

    On September 11, 2019, you started this thread, writing, “What will my life be now?” This question reflected your search for purpose and direction amidst significant life changes. A month later, on October 6, 2019, you shared your thoughts about returning to Florida: “My latest thought (not sure if this is survival) is going back to Florida.”

    Ten pages into this thread, while seeking and receiving psychotherapy and psychiatric help, on January 8, 2022, by now living independently in Florida, you shared, “I think I’m doing better with fear and loneliness. Although I struggle still sometimes.”- While these challenges remained, you acknowledged your improvement, highlighting your ability to reflect on your progress and emotional growth.

    Your words, “I am learning so much about life lately… we can change them slowly but surely,” revealed a deeper understanding of human struggles and your own capacity for transformation—a hopeful and empowering outlook.

    You also wrote, “I still tend to isolate vs. reaching out to people who bring wisdom and joy to my life.”- Even though you acknowledged your isolating tendencies, you were taking proactive steps, like joining a women’s group, to counter this pattern.

    Three pages later, you posted yesterday. Your most recent post reflects substantial progress in your personal journey, alongside your ongoing effort to find balance, purpose, and connection. Your reflections show gratitude, self-awareness, and a drive to make your life more fulfilling.

    C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S Nichole on achieving a major milestone: “I bought that condo I always wanted! I closed on my condo 12/06/24!”

    This incredible achievement represents your ability to set and achieve goals independently—a huge step toward your desired autonomy and stability.

    In your words, “… I decided to try out a Zoom connecting event,”- You demonstrate how you are actively working to establish connections and break out of isolation, showing your commitment to personal growth and fostering a sense of belonging.

    You shared about your father staying with you during your move: “I had a lot of capacity to love him and accept him as he is… Not the father I would have dreamed of but the one I have.”- This beautifully reflects your emotional maturity and ability to navigate complex relationships by accepting people for who they are, even when they fall short of your expectations.

    Your reflections on friendships show your yearning for meaningful, trustworthy connections: “I wonder if friends who care and support you and respect boundaries are a thing.”-This desire highlights your growth in prioritizing authentic relationships, even as you navigate challenges with finding such connections.

    Your ability to let go of an incompatible relationship shows remarkable emotional independence: “I realized I had to swallow who I was to be with [him]… I want to continue to grow and continue to be stable financially and in all areas.”- By letting go, you demonstrated progress in prioritizing your values and well-being over staying in situations out of empathy or guilt.

    You wrote about work dissatisfaction: “Work has become quite boring to me and unfulfilling. I feel I have more potential.”- Your interest in obtaining a real estate license, despite feelings of resistance or self-doubt, reflects your longing for purpose and career growth.

    Finally, you shared: “I am at a place where I feel ok most days. I feel more peaceful… but often can tame [anxiety] with tools I have learned throughout the years.”-This acknowledgment of improvement in managing anxiety and worry demonstrates your ability to apply coping skills and maintain emotional stability.

    Nichole, your journey is a testament to resilience, growth, and evolving self-awareness. The purchase of your condo marks a significant achievement in your path toward independence and stability, reflecting your strength and determination to create a space that is truly your own.

    As you consider new career goals, explore connections, and continue building a life filled with meaning and a growing emotional health, know that the progress you’ve made shines brightly. While challenges like loneliness, dissatisfaction, and navigating relationships remain, your ability to set goals, assert boundaries, and reflect on your emotions reveals great potential for continued growth.

    As I revisited our conversations, I came to realize that we have more in common than I had previously thought. I’d like to delve into this shared connection in a separate post tomorrow.

    I am grateful to have witnessed your remarkable transformation over the years, Nichole! You inspire me through your courage and perseverance. Keep building the life you envision, one step at a time—you are capable of extraordinary things.

    anita

    #444525
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Nichole:

    I can deeply relate to your fears of abandonment and being alone. Despite my mother being undependable as a source of emotional security, I remained dependent on her because there was no one else. Growing up in a tiny apartment with just the two of us, she was the only source of security I could hope for, even if she rarely provided it.

    At some point, I grew very angry with her—for making my life revolve around her, for hurting me in countless ways. I longed for freedom from her, but as a helpless and dependent child, I doubted my ability to make it on my own. This created a strong push-and-pull dynamic: wanting to escape but fearing abandonment at the same time.

    To protect myself from the pain of her behavior, I distanced myself emotionally as best I could. I suppressed empathy and love as a survival mechanism, because feeling those emotions fully—while enduring her blame, emotional volatility, and threats—was unbearable. Yet, deep down, the bond I had with her still instilled a fear of losing her entirely, whether I realized it or not.

    I experienced a profound ambivalence, simultaneously holding anger, love, fear, and longing. My anger toward her and my desire to escape didn’t negate the fundamental bond I had as her child. Trying not to feel empathy or love was my way of protecting myself from further hurt, especially since those feelings were often met with shame, blame, or even threats of suicide or harm. Still, the fear of abandonment lingered beneath the surface, tied to the emotional vulnerability I worked so hard to suppress.

    These mixed emotions—loving her but being angry, craving freedom but fearing abandonment—were overwhelming. The constant coexistence of love, anger, and fear left me emotionally confused and robbed me of the foundation needed to feel safe, take risks, and form my own identity. Instead, I remained stuck in that ambivalence and confusion.

    A predictable caregiver teaches a child that their emotional world is manageable, building trust in both others and themselves. An unpredictable caregiver, on the other hand, teaches a child that emotions are unmanageable, fostering distrust and leading to emotional dysregulation—the hallmark of impulsivity and reactivity.

    Like you, I took on the role of an emotional caretaker for my mother. I tried to fix or help her, not out of confidence, but as a survival instinct. It wasn’t about feeling capable—it was about trying to create some semblance of stability in a chaotic environment. Despite feeling weak and helpless, I felt compelled to take on this role. If I could make her better, maybe I could prevent things from getting worse. It gave me a sense of control, even if it was just an illusion.

    I loved my mother deeply, though I spent much of my childhood convincing myself otherwise to shield myself from the pain of her struggles. She often blamed me for her unhappiness and threatened suicide, leaving me overwhelmed by empathy I couldn’t bear to feel. Suppressing my feelings made me believe I didn’t love her, but later in life, I came to realize that I did love her deeply—I was just consumed by anger and needed to protect myself.

    Taking care of her wasn’t just about love; it felt like a duty. I believed that if I didn’t step into the role, no one else would. I hoped my efforts might make a difference, earn her acknowledgment, or bring me the support I so desperately needed. As a child, I thought I could fix her problems and make her happy, not understanding that I was carrying a burden far beyond my capacity. Far beyond any child’s capacity.

    In many ways, my actions were about survival—suppressing empathy, stepping into the caretaker role, and trying to “fix” her were all ways I coped with the chaos. Even as I longed to be free from her, I also feared abandonment. She was a source of pain, but also familiarity, and losing her entirely would have meant facing an unknown I wasn’t ready for.

    These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.

    You asked me how I am. Well, these days, I am finding peace in embracing empathy for others. It feels liberating to let go of suppressing empathy, to care for people, and to build meaningful connections.

    Does any part of this resonate with you?

    anita

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