Hi Anita!

Thank you for your response. It is so nice to be able to read these conversations and reflect on the growth and also the connection. It has been years! You have heard of all the bits and pieces and even the ugliest parts of my journey. What a true blessing to be able to have that. Very grateful for this site.

Sorry I have taken a while to respond. Honestly I need to work on that. I can easily get distracted and put more important things on the back burner. But one step at a time.

I can absolutely resonate with your past and much of your challenges growing up.
Especially feeling the anger and fear yet longing for the love. The fear of abandonment. Becoming angry for having to be the caretaker. Resentment for not having a safe upbringing.
Reading your experience is eye opening. You really have a strong understanding of yourself and your past. I don’t know if I have gone that deep. I almost feel afraid to put myself in my younger self’s shoes.
I believe as a child I took on a caretaker role because it was drilled into me that I was supposed to. My mother had diabetes and also addiction so those together created an ” ill ” mother. Who else would take care of her. She was very emotionally weak. The elders in my family often made it clear we had to care for my mom. We got praised for caring for my mom. When I think about it, it was always about her. I can see clearly now that was my identity and I had no identity of my own.

These conflicting feelings—love, anger, fear, and longing—were incredibly complex and shaped how I related to her and the world around me. Processing these dynamics over time has helped me understand myself better and has given me tools to heal.

– I love this for you. You encourage me to continue processing. I have dug into my childhood. And have had it best put in words by you. But I think I usually try to process current challenges as a result of more recent events and maybe it would be helpful to dig deeper into what is ingrained from childhood.

I am happy you are finding peace and allowing yourself to care for others again. This is inspiring to me.