Hi Anita,

Well, I am afraid of being committed to something. This is something called Celebrate Recovery. It is pretty cool. People celebrating different recoveries, whether it is sex, drugs, anger, co dependencies etc. So I am afraid to take that leap and say yes I have this issue and I am going to actively work on it, although, it could be good for me.

Nothing in particular has made me distrust the people. Maybe just my past, being betrayed, especially in groups.
After the meeting there is this gathering for a meal in the diner. My anxiety flares up. I don’t feel connected to anyone. I watch everyone talking and finding a partner to sit with. So I go sit at a table by myself. Two older ladies wave me over to their table. I was grateful because I felt so out of place. This situation brings me so much anxiety. I am so used to being alone, I don’t know how to connect.

Hi Anita,

It does. So I will have to practice and practice again? For possibly a decade? and more? Just when I thought healing couldn’t get any more challenging. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I won’t. It is just overwhelming.

Hi Anita,

Good idea. I also began reading your entry on diving into your childhood(It Is really good). I am slow to read but I am pushing myself to focus more on reading, learning and getting out of my head.

I am beginning to accept that this is a long game. Maybe it will be less time and maybe it won’t. I have to accept that.

When I look back at my relationships I often find that I was the clingy one.I cannot just say I gave more and they gave less, it was more like I needed love right then and there as I was deprived of it so I didn’t mind laying down as a doormat for it. I often accepted whatever was given to me. Someone could call me and I would miss the call and then I would call back, text, leave a voicemail. And then wait at my phone for a response. It is pretty sad to think of.

More recently, with the last five years of growth, I am less clingy, less desperate and I know myself more and what I like. I try to give others the space to be them without trying to control or romanticize the relationship. But all of this is a work in progress.

Having my family back in my life was easy and I became lazy with trying to connect. So I do not have much experience as of recently.
What I realized in this group is my expectation for others to take the leap and open their arms to me. I lack initiative in this area and other areas of my life.

Well that is my start, I am eager to hear yours