Dear Nichole:

It’s amazing, because after submitting the Oct 31 message to you, telling you that part of my social interactions are right here in the forums, I thought to myself that maybe you would like it too, to respond to members and maybe have a conversation with a member, here and there.

Since you brought it up- I’d be delighted to read your replies to other members. And please know, replies don’t have to be perfect. Mine aren’t 😊.

Also, if you choose to reply, be prepared to the very likely possibility that sometimes, if not often, you will not get a response, no matter intelligent and empathetic your reply may be. Having my 10+ years experience here, I often don’t receive replies, and the same is true to other responders, here in the forums. As long as you’re okay with it.. like I said, I’ll be thrilled to read from you.

For me, I get the connection feeling even if I don’t get a response from a member because I feel that someone is reading my words, even if it’s someone who chooses to remain silent. And I think, maybe what I just shared will help someone.

You wrote in regard to the church meeting you attended, “I notice that I make a lot of judgments as I scan the room.”- What kinds of judgments?

Personally, I don’t make anywhere close to as many judgments as I used to make, and not as harsh. My judgments had to do with suspicion and distrust of people, seeing their negatives, even maximizing their negatives, and either ignoring, or minimizing their positives.

I hope you enjoy the SWFL weather, as well as a lower 💡 bill 😊.

🤍 Anita

Hey, Nichole, so good to read from you this Thurs evening (dark and heavily raining here), only evening, probably still light, only afternoon in FL. Will read all and reply Fri morning 🙂

Dear Nichole:

“I think I may just put responding on my list and start small by even just viewing posts and seeing what aligns. I feel like I have been getting the message lately that my suffering and consequential healing is not for nothing and that I can share my light with those in need.”-

I like the message very much: that your suffering and healing are not for nothing. Sharing your experience with others can make a difference, a positive difference for them and for yourself. Even if you help just one other person here in the forums, that would be a wonderful thing.

“Yes! I can relate to ALL of what you said in regard to the judging. Also, I am pretty tough on myself and can be that way to others.”-

The Inner Critic (criticizing ourselves) and the Outer Critic (criticizing others) are 2 sides of the same coin. If you overcriticize yourself, you are very likely to overcriticize others.

“And then I have to remind myself that I am not perfect (and should have never been or tried to be), so why am I placing that on someone else. Life is so much better when you are free to make mistakes anyway.”-

I can see that you can reply very well in the forums to someone struggling with an inner critic and the expectation to be perfect and never make mistakes!

“I think some of the judgement really comes down to fear. Fear of being disliked. As I have been going to this meeting, I am noticing the way I still people please and wish to be acknowledged by everyone in order to feel safety and free to be myself. I am hoping this week to focus on being more calm and going with the flow… Just have fun and enjoy myself.”-

Yes, people-pleasing is often a response to the fear of being disliked, rejected, or abandoned. It’s a coping mechanism rooted in the desire for approval and emotional safety.

In general, growing up in environments where love was conditional or where asserting oneself was unsafe can teach someone to prioritize others’ needs to avoid disapproval: saying yes when you want to say no, avoiding conflict at all costs, constantly apologizing, even when unnecessary, feeling guilty for prioritizing your own needs, and overanalyzing how others perceive you.

People pleasing is harmful because it leads to burnout and resentment, it undermines authentic relationships, and it prevents personal growth and self-expression

I wonder if it’d help, Nichole, for you to practice being calm with people, going with the flow, etc., at home alone, facing (I hope it doesn’t sound too silly) a pillow or a stuffed animal representing a person, or facing a mirror, as a form of practice before real-life practice with real people..?

🤍 Anita