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Anonymous.
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August 11, 2022 at 3:27 pm #405387
AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
I am glad you felt much better this afternoon. Regarding feeling badly for letting yourself off the hook, put together with what you shared so far, seems to me that it means that you have a Guilty Core Belief, and that this core belief was formed when you were a child (core beliefs are formed during the formative years of childhood). It is also possible that you suffer from obsessive thinking. I will be away from the computer and back in a few hours.
anita
August 11, 2022 at 5:30 pm #405388
anonymousParticipantanita,
this would make sense. i’m going to look into the core beliefs and see how i can deal with mine.
maybe i also do suffer from obsessive thinking. i tend to be a perfectionist and am a bit failure averse.
so you think i shouldn’t feel like i’m “letting myself off the hook” when i stop having the guilty thoughts? it just means i’m letting go?
August 11, 2022 at 5:33 pm #405389anonymousParticipantsometimes when i think about the ache, i feel guilty but when i try to make peace with it, i end up feeling like i’m ok that it happened. it’s like i can’t feel both without feeling bad. on one hand, i feel guilty if i feel ok with it happening and on the other, i feel terrible for wallowing in feeling guilty permanently…
August 11, 2022 at 9:10 pm #405391AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
“so you think i shouldn’t feel like I’m “letting myself off the hook” when i stop having the guilty thoughts? it just means i’m letting go?”- if I tell you that you should feel this and shouldn’t feel that.. it would be silly of me. I know that I have no say in regard to how you feel. You don’t have a say yourself in regard to how you feel. If you did, you’d feel good all the time.
Did you ever attend psychotherapy? I think that it’s time to see a professional, at least for short term therapy.
anita
August 12, 2022 at 7:11 am #405397
HelcatParticipantHi Anonymous
I like the way you are describe that. On the one hand, these feelings come from love, on the other self-punishment.
It is good news that you are starting to emotionally process this event. That you were able to feel better for a time is progress.
I understand that you feel it could mean letting yourself off the hook.
But to function in our lives we cannot cope with sustained emotional extremes. To live in a state of heightened stress is unhealthy. It is normal once the emotional processing happens for things to stabilize. There will be ups and downs, no doubt. I imagine it will take time to work through this.
I don’t think learning to forgive yourself is a bad thing though. For how long will you believe that you deserve to punish yourself? At what point will you show yourself compassion and decide that you have suffered enough?
Life is indeed very complicated. It’s good that you recognize the black and white thinking. I find that there is a third colour, grey.
August 13, 2022 at 8:02 am #405411anonymousParticipanthelcat,
thank you so much for your advice. i’m a work in progress and trying my best to move past the incident. i had been living in that state of heightened stress for days and it was definitely not healthy.
i’m learning how to forgive myself. this experience has taught me to be a more forgiving and understanding person, especially to those around me. i’m not perfect and i need to realize i will fall short of my expectations sometimes.
you’re right when you say there will be ups and downs. today, i feel is an up day. but there’s still some down moments. i guess only time will help heal and work through this.
it’s been helpful to remind myself that i’m not a terrible person because i did one terrible thing. i love my partner and i’m going to actively work towards that priority.
thank you and anita for all your help…the journey of self forgiveness is not easy.
August 14, 2022 at 2:12 am #405415HelcatParticipantHi Anonymous
It sounds like you are on the right path. Good luck on your journey of self forgiveness!
I think it’s great that you are learning to be more understanding and forgiving with others too. I found myself experiencing that too in my own journey.
I hope with every day that passes, you heal more and more. You are a lovely lady, with a wonderful attitude. 🙏
August 15, 2022 at 9:37 am #405441anonymousParticipanti hope you’re both doing well. helcat, you’ve helped me tremendously these past few days. this weekend was overall good but now today feels bad again.
i’m trying to discovery why. why can’t i simply just let go and move on? sometimes i think why is my ache forgivable and when it wouldn’t be. for example, people who hurt their partners with emotional cheating. why am i no better? i betrayed my partner’s trust, don’t i deserve the same kind of punishment these people receive?
sometimes i think i should tell my partner. but then i feel even worse because i don’t think my brain would let me rest until i told him absolutely everything (which is so dumb, why would i say things that would hurt him unnecessary?)
so then i think i shouldn’t tell him, since it didn’t mean anything and i literally regret it with every ounce of my being. i’m stuck in a loop i don’t know how to move past.
i keep feeling like a terrible human being for keeping things from my partner. we tell each other everything.
i don’t know what to do, i feel so lost and confused…
August 15, 2022 at 11:48 am #405445anonymousParticipantdo you think it’s possible to love someone so much and still be capable of hurting them?
and do you think that it’s okay for you to relieve yourself of that hurt at some point without saying anything?
August 15, 2022 at 1:56 pm #405454AnonymousGuestDear anonymous:
“Do you think it’s possible to love someone so much and still be capable of hurting them?“- did someone you loved hurt you badly, anonymous?
anita
August 15, 2022 at 2:46 pm #405461anonymousParticipantthank you for replying. yes, my partner hurt me emotionally once very much but it didn’t have anything to do with infidelity. he made a mistake that he has long grown from. i forgave him when i knew he messed up.
August 15, 2022 at 2:52 pm #405462AnonymousGuestDear Anonymous:
You are welcome. What kind of mistake was it?
anita
August 15, 2022 at 4:07 pm #405463anonymousParticipanthe lied to me about something. i didn’t know where he was and it turned out he had gotten into a lot of legal trouble. it was the start of our relationship…i was very hurt he would lie. but then i decided i wanted to be with him and he promised to never lie to me again.
August 15, 2022 at 4:55 pm #405485HelcatParticipantHi Anonymous
I’m glad that you had a good weekend, but I’m sorry to hear that you have been feeling bad again.
That is kind of you to say, but I think you have been helping yourself. You’re a very reasonable, insightful person and have put a lot of hard work into helping yourself through this challenging period.
I think it’s even possible to do nothing wrong and still hurt someone you love very much.
Repeatedly thinking about a distressing topic is called rumination. I’m wondering, before this did you ever experience rumination about other topics?
I have had some experience with rumination. For me, there is often a trigger. I wonder are there specific times / activities or stressors that lead you to return to these thoughts and feelings?
If you do identify a pattern, I find it can be helpful to focus on the pattern leading to rumination developing rather than the thoughts themselves.
Relaxation can be very helpful to de-escalate. I’m fond of yoga and meditation. I found meditation particularly useful for learning to emotionally distance myself from rumination. Do you have anything that you like to do to relax?
I think this may have triggered a subconscious belief. The difficulty is that when you inherently believe something to be true, it can be very painful and take some time to change (we are the only ones who can ultimately change what we believe). You may have to repeatedly challenge this false beliefs that you are a terrible person because you made a mistake. Or because you chose to protect your relationship by withholding this situation.
Hang in there, I hope you feel better soon! 🙏
August 15, 2022 at 4:56 pm #405486HelcatParticipant*these
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