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What’s the solution?

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Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)
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  • May 27, 2020 at 10:24 am #357008
    Jan
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    You say:

    “The OP pursued (texting her) the student so frequently, that he/she interrupted her studies, and she asked him/her to stop texting her so that she can study!”

    That is not what Sofat said; I think you have made too many assumptions. It’s also possible – perhaps Sofat will clarify? – that this was never a sexual relationship, he only ever mentions ‘chatting’ and perhaps that’s all there has ever been to it. It is possible that this ‘relationship’ has mostly happened in Sofat’s head. Also, he said he let her go but that she came back to him a couple of months later, admitting she had left him to look for someone ‘better’. She is not the innocent you make her out to be and, besides, the guy came here for help, not to be judged. Yes, we’ve established that he should not have pursued a relationship with this girl but, three years on, let’s look at the situation now. She is manipulating him and causing him pain and that is the problem that needs to be addressed without judgement, given that Sofat has trusted us with the details of his story and reached out for help.

    Jan

    May 27, 2020 at 11:07 am #357013
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Jan:

    I read your reply to me and I disagree with your evaluation of the situation. If the OP  does post again on this thread, or start a new thread, I will refrain from responding because I made myself as clear as possible on this thread and I have nothing to add. You are welcome of course to reply to him and to  any other member, expressing your understanding of this or that  other person’s situation.

    When I disagree with another member’s input, I don’t state: I disagree with (name of member), proceeding to criticize the other member’s input. Instead, I offer my sincere input independently of other members’ input. I suggest you do the same.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 years, 10 months ago by .
    May 27, 2020 at 12:39 pm #357020
    Sofat
    Participant

    Thank you Jan and Anita. This is a forum and we are here to just talk and solve our problems in the first place! Talking harshly is not what I’m looking for. I’m here to tell my story. I’m a human! You’re a human! We both make mistakes like the harshly speaking of you! Criticizing and harshly speaking makes one feel worse! Thank you Jan. I don’t intend to write anything here any longer! But your response made me rethink! I can still find some hope!

    May 27, 2020 at 12:45 pm #357022
    Sofat
    Participant

    If you remove someone’s comment or whatever, this is not freedom in speech or expressing one’s idea! As Jan said right, I never had sex with her. She’s 20 right now! She’s mature enough to make decisions.

    May 27, 2020 at 12:55 pm #357023
    Jan
    Participant

    “When I disagree with another member’s input, I don’t state: I disagree with (name of member), proceeding to criticize the other member’s input. Instead, I offer my sincere input independently of other members’ input.”

    When the other member’s input is harsh, judgmental and unhelpful, that needs calling out.

    “I suggest you do the same.”

    Suggest all you want, if I believe another member is in the wrong I will say so for the sake of the original poster. They are often very vulnerable people. You give a lot of advice on here, much of it good, but sometimes you are way off beam.

    May 27, 2020 at 12:57 pm #357024
    Jan
    Participant

    If you’re still around, Sofat, I’m glad you seem to have got something positive out of my comments. As you say, you still have hope – of course you do. Not with her, she is not good for you, but with someone else – yes! 🙂

    May 27, 2020 at 1:41 pm #357026
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sofat:

    Upon further thinking, I realize that I made a few mistakes in my replies to you and I apologize for those. I was quick to anger, to assume and to jump to conclusions. One of my mistakes was to call what you did child sexual abuse.

    The wrong that you did was to pursue a personal relationship with your minor age student, and worse: a romantic relationship. It is paramount that teachers keep their relationships with their students professional at all times.

    anita

     

    May 28, 2020 at 11:55 am #357090
    Sofat
    Participant

    Dear Jan

    ThankTThank you for your sympathy. I live in a country where it’s not an unpleasant thing to get married your student. I mean that’s not a weird thing. The point is that she continues saying hi and calling from time to time. You know, to enter university she should pass an exam, I mean an entrance exam. That’s why she stopped sending message last year. She only wanted to focus on her studies. After 9 months, she texted me and we talked. I should find a closure. I mean, I should find an excuse to move on. She called me the other day and said someone had proposed her. He’s an employee and blah blah blah. I said so what? You just say other people propose you qnd you still call me? Is this a normal thing? I think she’s still too young and she doesn’t know what’s going on!

    May 28, 2020 at 12:00 pm #357091
    Sofat
    Participant

    The only thing she says when her actions doesn’t make sense is “this days I’m really nervous. My family put a lot of pressure on me!” And I say ok! But when you love someone you shouldn’t even think about someone else! I mean it’s just abnormal to have someone and at the same time thinking about someone else!

    May 29, 2020 at 12:13 am #357130
    Jan
    Participant

    Dear Sofat

    I’m so pleased that you seem to be in a much better place now, emotionally, and are able to question this girl’s motives and keep her at arm’s length. Now, rather than trying to figure out why she’s doing what she’s doing, next time she calls make it clear that you don’t want to hear from her again, wish her well, and stop taking her calls if she won’t stop calling. Move on, my friend, and find someone you can build a real relationship with.

    all the best

    Jan

    June 1, 2020 at 2:44 am #357352
    Sofat
    Participant

    Hi Jan,

    It’s been a week now since I talked to her. I’m accepting that she’s not the girl I am looking for. I have made up my mind. Ignoring is the best strategy, I think.

    June 5, 2022 at 2:53 pm #401855
    Sofat
    Participant

    Hello Anita and Jan. Hope you guys are doing well. Actually, I’ve been through a lot in these two years. She married a rich man who is 12 years older. I moved on the time that I posted here. Whether good or not it passed. So many ups and downs and too frustrated.

    June 5, 2022 at 4:57 pm #401860
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sofat:

    Welcome back to your thread two years and four days since your last post. Do share about your “many ups and downs and too frustrated” state of mind and life, will you?

    anita

    June 6, 2022 at 2:36 am #401869
    Sofat
    Participant

    Sure. Actually, I lost my dad & mom within six months. These two years were the toughest moments of my life. I couldn’t eat or focus on my life, so I decided to immigrate to another country. The issues of getting visa also added to my burdens. And that girl showed up once in a while but I ignored her. Finally one of my friends told me that she married someone who is a banker and is rich.

    June 6, 2022 at 7:19 am #401872
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sofat:

    I am sorry for your loss, for losing both your parents! I hope that the issue of the visa is settled, or that it’s in the way of being settled. Do you have any family or friends in the new country?

    anita

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