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When he asks for a break from the relationship.

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 4 months, 3 weeks ago.

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  • #208401

    Ladybug
    Participant

    My boyfriend of 2 and half years asked for a break from the relationship. he is very goal driven and lately he hasnt been doing so well is hes career and stopped believing in himself. I didnt realise how serious this affected him and he always kept a brave face. he became a little distant emotionally and battled to motivate himself to get things done within the last few months and i at the time took it that he was just being lazy and forgetful so we would always get into arguments trying to get him to take initiative. He is a MMA athlete and he has recently  faced a loss and because this has happened before he took a week break from the relationship to figure things out and wasnt sure of he was going to get back together with me. which by the end of that week he did. since then alot has happened and we have moved in together and things are great, he seemed to be getting quite serious into having a future with me. But like i said 2 weeks ago he asked a break and only this time he said he doesnt know how long it will take or if he will get back together with me. he said he needs to recreate himself so that he can be his best self. well i practically went into depression because i completely invested everything into a man who encouraged me to feel safe and secure with him. we also live together so we still share a life together. He still cuddles me at night, we laugh and talk, and we even have sex (we try to keep it purely physical) we gym together and havent told anyone about us being on a break. Although the daily intimate kisses, hugs and eye contact has stopped we still carry a normal life together. we agreed that we wont mess with anyone else until we are clear of whats happening between us. I have been there for him through everything and i truly believe him and i are meant for eachother. so ive been working on myself during this time and i give him as much space as possible. i try a little hot and cold behavior towards him just so that he doesn’t get comfortable with the convenience of having me whenever he wants. i spent the weekend away from him for the first time and i could tell that he missed me and was very attracted to the energy i brought home. i have faith that once he feels stable and confident in himself again he will make room for me again but i may just be looking for every reason to have hope. Any opinions?

    #208443

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    Do you know what specifically he meant by needing “to create himself so that he can be his best self”? And do you know how specifically his relationship with you as it was hindered him in doing so?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 5 months ago by  anita.
    #208463

    Michelle
    Participant

    “we also live together so we still share a life together. He still cuddles me at night, we laugh and talk, and we even have sex”

    So he gets to keep all facets of the relationship that he likes without any commitment or promise? I realize this is a confusing situation but it is made knowingly so by him. And yes, it appears you have become a convenience for him. You need to ask yourself what YOU want in life and go after it because he clearly doesn’t have your best interests at heart anymore.

    #208565

    Mark
    Participant

    Ladybug,

    You went from girlfriend to friends-with-benefits, i.e. a convenient sex partner.  He gets all the sexual benefits without the emotional intimacy and romantic niceties.

    I can sorta understand his logic.  He wants to focus any emotional energy towards his career and not feel drained or distracted by having to take care of you emotionally.

    It’s his way of compartmentalizing.  You have no way when he will “get better.” I am with Michelle on this.  You are putting yourself aside for him.

    Mark

    #208627

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Yes i have sacrificed alot for hes growth, and i believe he has this great desire to be more than just financially stable as right now he doesnt have a stable income due to being an athlete. He shares hes plans and progress to work towards bringing in more income. so far hes been meeting up with a mutual acquaintance who helps build brands and she will be assisting him in putting him out there and providing him with opportunities, only uncomfortable part of that is this woman i have seen has great attraction for him and they have scheduled a twice a week meetup to work on building him up. Him and i have agreed to not see anyone or hookup with anyone until things are clear between us. And its difficult to know if he still has any love for me during this cold period of his. He and i both only have each other as this point as we share expenses in the house. he requested that when we go out in public that i dont engage in any indications of interest with other guys infront of him. I think he feels like crap because of the pain he is causing me and he feels he doesnt deserve to tell me not to see other people. I wanted to go study but i fear he may decide to just discard me and i will be left with nothing, so i have to keep my study savings just encase he decides he wants out. I feel a little insecure and not good enough because of his unsatisfied nature within his life. I have been there for him when he had nothing and when things werent going good for him and now he feels that a relationship causes him to get too comfortable and he cant be comfortable at this point in his life due to not being who he wants to be financially. Im starting to think he spooked himself with pressure of marriage and kids because he sometimes refers to me as his wife and he always talked about being a father but both of us arent ready for that step in our lives. So a man who thrives off feeling like a provider and a success… failing and not having motivation to take action is his life has led to this horribly uncomfortable and stressful faze.

     

    Our family and friends dont know we are on this break, and he is known to be the protective type towards me even during this weird faze, i disappeared for a weekend and didn’t tell him anything of where im going and i refused to answer his calls or respond to his messages which led to him freaking out and calling my friends and family. i felt he needed to feel what its like not to have me around and not know what im doing.

     

    Today he wants to go see a movie… these little things we do together is what confuses me especially when im just looking for peace and hope of him coming back.

    #208631

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    In the last few months, your boyfriend of 2.5 years (you currently live together) has not been doing well career wise and has felt less motivated and less confident and there have been many arguments between the two of you. Two weeks ago he asked for a break, no time limit set, so that he can “recreate himself so that he can be his best self”. The break has consisted so far the same relationship as before, living together, minus “the daily intimate kisses, hugs and eye contact”. You love him very much and hope that “once he feels stable and confident in himself again he will make room for me again”.

    Your boyfriend (minus the intimate kisses etc.), an athlete, sees a woman twice a week to work on building his career. This woman is very attracted to him. You wrote that he said that “a relationship causes him to get too comfortable and he can’t be comfortable at this point” because he is not financially stable.

    I have a couple of questions for you in my effort to understand better:

    1. What were the arguments about, who started them, how often and what was the back and forth exchange (“we would always get into arguments trying to get him to take initiative”)

    2. I didn’t understand this sentence: “I wanted to go study but I fear he may decide to discard me… so I have to keep my study savings just in case he decides he wants out”. Can you explain it to me?

    anita

    #208643

    Ladybug
    Participant

    He battles juggling emotions, he is very one track minded. and when he goes on self discovery fazes he shuts hes emotions down and avoids vulnerability. He is the type to be territorial over me when a guy shows interested in me. And recently there was situation where a guy unpleasantly tapped the back of hes neck while greating him and glanced straight over and grabbed my hand and kissed me on the cheek. My boyfriend who was already feeling insecure within himself didnt take that well and he admitted to thinking about that moment days after it had happened. Little things he wasnt succeeding at took a knock in hes confidence, ego and made him feel demasculated… which isnt good for a man who fights for a living, something had to change and thats what i feel hes going through now. i am a very loyal and trustworthy girlfriend, i dont make my man look like a fool by entertaining other men. So my loyalty and reinsurance wasnt enough to fix hes inner insecurities.  We would argue about little things like remembering to do certain things and hes at home more than i am so i asked that he takes initiative to tidying up so that when i get home from work dont have to do everything. We are stubborn people so we would argue to get the other to understand how what they said or did made them feel a certain way, and arguing about taking responsibility when its due to avoid unnecessary prolonged negative emotions. but none of our arguments have gotten to breaking point. I am a very emotional person and i am very open with my feelings. i display love and affection endlessly. He is very manly but also a goof ball, he isnt the type to display softness but with me he becomes a baby and loves my warm gentle love. We on a break but he still does daily things for me. He says he needs to be alone and cant be in a relationship right now but no real action has been made to move out on both our sides. he still routinely fetches me from work and drops me in the mornings. he brings me coffee or tea and encourages me to eat (battling to eat due to the emotional stress). he talks to me all the time but its cold and emotionally distant. He knows im in a huge amount of pain but he cant make me happy if hes not happy.

    #208653

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    Has he not displayed softness, not being “a baby (who)  loves (your) warm gentle love” since the sort-of break in the relationship, that is, in the last two weeks?

    I wonder if he has trouble with this aspect of the relationship the way it was (if it is no  longer the way it is)

    anita

    #208687

    Ladybug
    Participant

    Yeah it seems he still does quite a bit that involves me. A man who didnt give two hoots would have distinctively pulled away in doing all those little things he does for me. He is aware that i am still hurt and he would of run for the hills with all the emotional distress i threw at him last week. He got overwhelmed when i kept sending emotional texts and trying to get close to him but he has remained respectful and he sort of behaves like a best friend. i have learned that the more i try pull him closer, the further he tries to push me but the happier and more content i am the more hes drawn to me. I have to admit that i am not the same girl he met 2 and a half years ago, ive slacked down tremendously when it came to working on myself and i dont mean in the physical sense but more as an individual. I havent been growing and bettering myself and if he is on a growth path and i stay stuck in my same ways, it wont excite him to get back with me. Raising the bar on my values and my self worth is only making the steaks higher for him to lose. Creating an amazing women out of this  painful break is not only going to gain much respect and admiration from him but also raise my standard of what im willing to accept when in a relationship with someone whether it be him or anyone else. Its very difficult to keep focused on the positive and not get drawn in by the absence of what we use to be. I want things to just happen naturally, Him and i are very compatible and attracted to each other, the less pressure i put on him to commit to a relationship with me the more drawn he will be to take me off the market. as a man it cant be easy to witness a woman you love be on the market because thats what it initially means when you take a break or break up. I am not ready to meet a new guy or emotionally connect with anyone just yet but he needs to see that there is a risk of other guys noticing the great qualities i have.

    #208695

    Ladybug
    Participant

    He has completely disconnect from being emotionally intimate, he tries to not make too much eye contact and sometimes he accidentally speaks to me in hes gentle baby voice which was our thing when we were a loving couple.

    serious relationships tend to spook some men, and in hes case he wasnt doing so well within himself but he also knew our relationship was for the long run. that kind of pressure and feeling of “stuck” can destroy a man you love even when he put the pressure on himself.  I was very consumed in hes life and training and took very little time for myself. He loved me for the independent strong woman i was, and then i devoted so much time to him and hes career and lost track of my own growth.

     

    #208701

    Mark
    Participant

    Ladybug,

    he requested that when we go out in public that i dont engage in any indications of interest with other guys infront of him.
    Does he suppose to do the same with women?

    I wanted to go study but i fear he may decide to just discard me and i will be left with nothing,
    So you are not financially independent? How did you manage before you moved in together?

    i devoted so much time to him and hes career and lost track of my own growth.
    Are you back on track now?

    What do you want from this forum?

    Mark

    #208713

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You wrote:  “I have learned that the more I try to pull him closer, the further he tries to push me but the happier and more content I am the more he’s drawn to me”-

    so you figure you better act content and strong and you “try a little hot and cold behavior towards him”. Problem is your strategy is currently causing you lots of distress (“battling to eat due to the emotional stress…with all the emotional distress I threw at him last week”).

    I think that you lost the relative safety you once felt in this relationship.

    In this new phase of the relationship he is having sex with you but is avoiding eye contact. If I was in your place, I too would be very distressed: it has to be very difficult to “keep (sex) purely physical”, to have sex and  avoid eye contact- this is an unhealthy twist in the concept of intimacy.

    anita

    #208745

    Mark
    Participant

    Ladybug,

    I am restating from my first posting and echoing anita’s last posting… “this is an unhealthy twist in the concept of intimacy.”

    You went from girlfriend to friends-with-benefits, i.e. a convenient sex partner.  He gets all the sexual benefits without the emotional intimacy and romantic niceties.

    Mark

    #208889

    Ladybug
    Participant

    The sticky situation is that we are a young couple who is starting off, he didn’t have a stable home, moved from place to place because hes mom is a narcissist and has mental problems. I as well had a very unhealthy living situations as my parents were alcoholics. Hes mom had an episode and kicked us out of her place where we were renting literally overnight and thats when we found our own place. I have a job so i get a monthly income and he relies on monthly sponsors which isn’t always the most reliable income. I have saved up money to go study. but if all fails with him ill need to use that money to find a new place. He doesnt fully understand how this affects my life if he abandons our current support system. Like any couple we were going to grow together and we built a strong bass that we can trust(so i thought). Sabotaging your only foundation and home with love to find yourself. its very strange to think of that logically.

     

    I felt i needed to hear a different opinion on my situation to gain clarity on whats the right thing to do in my case, or to see if anybody else has experience this weird behavior in a relationship.

    #208927

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ladybug:

    You started your original post this way: “My boyfriend of 2 and half years asked for a break… he hasn’t been doing so well (in his) career..”. Reading this, one may think that the reason he asked for a break is that he wasn’t doing well in his career. Having read the rest of your sharing, I don’t believe that his career has anything to do with the sort-of breakup.

    Then there are the things he told you: “he said he needs to recreate himself so that he can be his best self”, and something about him getting “too comfortable and he can’t be comfortable at this point in his life due to not being who he wants to be financially”. Having read all your sharing at this point, I don’t see truth to these things he told you (whether he believes they are true or not).

    Again, I don’t think finances is not the reason for this sort-of breakup with you.

    I think the true reason for the breakup is this (quotes not in order): “(his) mom is a narcissist…(he) feels demasculated… he isn’t the type to display softness… he talks to me all the time but it’s cold and emotionally distant.. He has completely disconnected from being emotionally intimate, he tries to not make too much of eye contact… the daily intimate kisses, hugs and eye contact has stopped… sometimes he accidently speaks to me in his gentle baby voice”

    My understanding: in his relationship with his dominant, “strong” mother, he felt dominated, demasculated (like you wrote), weak. He decided long ago to not be weak, soft, baby-like. He wants to be strong, strong against his domineering “strong” mother, so she doesn’t overpower him.

    You represent his mother to him, so he doesn’t want to be overpowered by you. This is why he stopped the intimate kisses and why he will not talk to you in that baby voice except when he accidently does, when he forgets to not talk that way to you.

    This motivation of his is not likely to change if he makes more money, when he has a stable income. This is a lifetime motivation for him in the context of a relationship with a woman.

    anita

     

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