Thanks, Eliana.

I’ve known my in-laws for almost 30 years, 19 of them married.  My sis-in-law is my husband’s only sibling.  She is younger than both us and has just seemed lost, which hasn’t really changed just she’s older now with kids and a hubby.  There was a time that she complained we weren’t involved enough in her childrens’ life (physical distance makes it a bit challenging not to mention there are nieces/nephews on my side of the family too).  I think she had a fantasy of what life would be like and the parts we would all play when the kids came along.  95% of communication is instigated by me and that’s not an exaggeration.  In the past couple of years, I saw her at a family funeral where I was happy to see her.  I tried to visit, ask questions but was met with one-word answers.  There are never any inquiries about what we are doing, how our children are….so it comes across that she has no interest for us unless we can do something for her.  My hubby doesn’t contact her too often…there are random texts/phone calls but you could count them on one hand over a few years.

There are other instances that I’ve tried to excuse.  Such as when our daughter was born, her first niece.  We were all living in the same state then and as it turned out, she made multiple trips to the town we were living in (legal meetings) but never contacted us to meet her baby niece.  That ‘welcome to the family meet’ didn’t happen until a year later when a cousin from another country flew in to meet our daughter.

To get multiple phone calls from her when she had a possible cancer diagnosis and we were part of her support for that.  Dropped/no-contact after the surgery went well.  If I really look at it, it has been a lifelong pattern and has happened over the almost 30 years I’ve known her.  I just feel badly because she’s “family” but having respect for myself, doesn’t mean you can just use me whenever you want to either.  I simply feel that I’m constantly chasing after her…

Appreciate the feedback.  My husband has very little contact with his little sister.  And you are correct, Dor, there are dynamics and events that have happened that I have no knowledge of.  Until we were married, my husband never called nor sent a card for her birthday.  I made sure that he wrote in the card that I sent but all of that was instigated by me because of how I was brought up.  I’m the one that shops for birthdays, Christmas….not my husband UNLESS I involve him in it.  Which, I am doing more and more because for events, such as Mother’s Day, he needs to buy for his own mom….not me buying for her under his name.  I took on this role as a wife and I’m ready to not do it anymore.  I think, sometimes, that she views me as my husband….our kids are HIS so there’s sibling rivalry and such that goes on.  That stems from my parents-in-law furthering that message of “Why aren’t you like your brother?” and having my husband sit in on family discussions (basically act like he was a parent) when SIL was in trouble.  That was something he and I addressed with each other before we were married because I didn’t want to have anything to do with that.

I know she has fear.  My husband, within the past year, was driving through and arranged to have lunch with her.  Her eldest son came along as well, which was fine but my husband didn’t invite him.  So, she doesn’t want to be alone with my husband.

I have plenty of dynamics going on in my own family.  My mom is 86 and my sisters and I have all sorts of things with her, having dealt and currently healing from various abuses growing up.  SIL is a bit much at the moment for me.  With the professional help I have been receiving recently, it seems to have prompted my husband to look at his own family dynamics which is a new thing for him.

I don’t hate my SIL, I love her dearly and have wished for her to find happiness in her life.  I try not to take it all personally but it does hurt.  I think I feel the urge to distance myself a bit, focus on my own little family (kids and hubby) and leave the door open for her.