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Why am I scared of Losing him

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This topic contains 9 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 1 day ago.

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  • #178539

    Rox
    Participant

    Its a strange feeling. Insecurities I guess- If I sense that another girl is prettier than me, I feel insecure that perhaps my boyfriend may want to be with her. I am not sure why I feel like this. God forbid that I see him added a girl on FB or looked her way but I only feel this way if I think that, that particular girl is prettier than me. My boyfriend is great with me- I have seen him look at other girls from time to time but I guess that is normal. I don’t want my insecurities to ruin my relationship with him. The other day, we were invited to a friends bday party and I noticed that he was checking out the party list and went on to click on one of the girls photos that was going to go- as soon as I saw that I said ” why are you checking out her profile?” – long story short, we got into a fight! He mentioned that he felt that I was insecure. I felt bad so I did apologize – but the thing is that I have done this with past boyfriends too and I am tired of constantly worrying that he may leave me for someone else. Any advice on the subject matter is greatly appreciated.

    Rox

    • This topic was modified 4 weeks ago by  Rox.
    #178551

    Peter
    Participant

    One of the purposes of relationship is to heal our past.  This means that subconsciously we will create ‘drama’ in the present in which to replay and recreate hurts of the past so that we might heal them. That you have done the same thing with past boyfriends certainly indicates that this process is in play.

    The first step in healing this issue is noticing and naming the issue. The next step is to take ownership of it. This trust issue is your issue and is not about your partner.  This is about you.

    You might find talking the issue out with a third party not involved on impacted by your relationship helpful.  it might be enough to stop insecurity just noticing that your doing it however most people need to understand where issue of insecurity originated from so that they can better deal with it the present.  The key is making the problem conscious so that you no longer reacting to the triggers and instead responding.

    #178559

    Rox
    Participant

    Thank you Peter. I very much appreciate your feedback. Perhaps you are right, my past experiences, are affecting my present. Thankfully, I am aware of this and I am trying my best to deal with it -although, at times it is very challenging. Is like I am in battle with myself.

    Rox

    #178579

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rox:

    You mentioned in your last post a battle with yourself. Would you like to elaborate on that battle: what part of you is battling which other part and what are the thoughts on both parts as they do the battling?

    anita

    #178725

    Peter
    Participant

    I found the following book helpful:  When the Past Is Present: Healing the Emotional Wounds that Sabotage our Relationships by David Richo

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by  Peter.
    #178773

    Rox
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for your reply. I feel like I am battling my thoughts of insecurity in the relationship. I will give you an example, this past Saturday, we went to a house warming party- One of my friends there was single recently and then suddenly, I started to feel worried that maybe my bf would start looking her way or that perhaps he would like her more than me bec she was now single- Something triggered the feeling though- what triggered it was that he asked me ” where is her boyfriend” and then suddenly I started to wonder why he cared- The thing is that, this is not just with one girl, its an on going bottle/situation with any girl that I think that its prettier than me or that I sensed that he looked at. And then I need his reassurance so that he can make me feel loved/safe again! My friends mom told my boyfriend at this party- ” Oh you are lucky to have someone like her” and in the car I reminded him of that- all these is due to insecurities within me and its something that I work hard to change the story in my head- Do you know what I mean?

    Rox

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by  Rox.
    #178775

    Rox
    Participant

    Hi Peter,

    Thank you for the book suggestion you provided. I definitely will look for it.

    Rox

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 4 days ago by  Rox.
    #178891

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rox:

    You worry that your boyfriend (and boyfriends before him) will prefer another woman over you,  like her better  and choose her over you. There is a real experience that you already had of someone else  being  preferred, liked better and chosen over you, an experience you already lived through. It is this past experience that gets triggered, repeatedly.

    I am thinking that this past experience was  in your childhood. Perhaps a parent/s preferred a sibling over you, or strangers, giving them the positive attention you craved while ignoring you. Can that be?

    anita

    #179123

    Rox
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    You are definitely right. I always felt unloved or chosen last for any thing which really did lead to lack of self confidence. However, I wonder how I can work through this so I can have a good and healthy relationship with my partner and not do anything to jeopardize that?

    In advance, thank you very much for your input as it is always greatly appreciated.

    Rox

    #179197

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Rox:

    You are welcome. This childhood experience of being  unloved and unchosen (chosen last) is the experience you keep re-living in your relationships with men. There is nothing  unusual about it. It is quite usual really, that we  keep re-living our painful past. Reason is, that past is recorded in our brains and unlike shedding our skin, new skin growing  all the time, replacing  the old, we do not shed our brain.

    You can’t  just  choose to leave  the past  in  the past because… it  is the same brain, you can’t replace it. The way to leave the past in the  past is to heal from it, to become aware of that experience, process those feelings of the child you were, resolve it somehow, through ongoing expression, awareness, and  over time you will be  able to sort of, peel off the past experience from the present experience and see things as they are, not as they were.

    Quality psychotherapy can help with that. You can, if you’d like, share  more  about this unloved/chosen last experience  of your childhood.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by  anita.
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