One of the purposes of relationship is to heal our past.  This means that subconsciously we will create ‘drama’ in the present in which to replay and recreate hurts of the past so that we might heal them. That you have done the same thing with past boyfriends certainly indicates that this process is in play.

The first step in healing this issue is noticing and naming the issue. The next step is to take ownership of it. This trust issue is your issue and is not about your partner.  This is about you.

You might find talking the issue out with a third party not involved on impacted by your relationship helpful.  it might be enough to stop insecurity just noticing that your doing it however most people need to understand where issue of insecurity originated from so that they can better deal with it the present.  The key is making the problem conscious so that you no longer reacting to the triggers and instead responding.

Dear Rox:

You mentioned in your last post a battle with yourself. Would you like to elaborate on that battle: what part of you is battling which other part and what are the thoughts on both parts as they do the battling?

anita

Dear Rox:

You worry that your boyfriend (and boyfriends before him) will prefer another woman over you,  like her better  and choose her over you. There is a real experience that you already had of someone else  being  preferred, liked better and chosen over you, an experience you already lived through. It is this past experience that gets triggered, repeatedly.

I am thinking that this past experience was  in your childhood. Perhaps a parent/s preferred a sibling over you, or strangers, giving them the positive attention you craved while ignoring you. Can that be?

anita

Dear Rox:

You are welcome. This childhood experience of being  unloved and unchosen (chosen last) is the experience you keep re-living in your relationships with men. There is nothing  unusual about it. It is quite usual really, that we  keep re-living our painful past. Reason is, that past is recorded in our brains and unlike shedding our skin, new skin growing  all the time, replacing  the old, we do not shed our brain.

You can’t  just  choose to leave  the past  in  the past because… it  is the same brain, you can’t replace it. The way to leave the past in the  past is to heal from it, to become aware of that experience, process those feelings of the child you were, resolve it somehow, through ongoing expression, awareness, and  over time you will be  able to sort of, peel off the past experience from the present experience and see things as they are, not as they were.

Quality psychotherapy can help with that. You can, if you’d like, share  more  about this unloved/chosen last experience  of your childhood.

anita