Why am I so shallow and uncaring?

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.

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October 24, 2018 at 9:59 am #233007

TTK
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I have been with my partner for 8 years and throughout that time I have severely scorned him. He has already witnessed such tragedies and hurts that the average human could not even fathom yet pretty much from the start of our relationship I hurt him by lying to him on several occasions about things that were important to him, I committed suicide so many times and he had to save me. This took him back to finding his Mum dead at the age of 10 and reliving that moment again. I was promiscuous in my previous relationship and because I did not deal with things at all, these guys kept creeping into our relationship making appearances which all the more contributed to the insecurities set in my man. We have a 10 month old baby girl now and since the birth i have become a monster.. Things were starting to heal before the baby but now its worsdtthan ever. There is so much more but I won’t go in to detail, the only thing that I haven’t done is cheat on him but he tells me I might as well have done that too because he told me what hfe wanted from me and I agreed to give it to him but I never did. I gave him the total opposite. And now, he is a shattered man. Broken from the inside out.

I’m seeking the answers to why I hurt him so much? I really do love him and want to be with him 24/7 for the rest of my life. But still to this day i fight him, more on the things that are directed to me like accusing me of cheating, etc. I have a stinky bad attitude towards him and portray so much anger and hate. I’m trying to find out why am I like this? I was taken advantage of sexually by a family member in my early teens, my trust was betrayed. Could this be the root of it all, am I a man hater? I don’t think in that sense but maybe sub consciously? Why can I not change myself for the better, and be more loving and compassionate? I bite at the slightest thing and I feel righteous at the time so I fight, argue, yell, etc. But then later I regret it, I realize how stupid I am. How come I can’t stop and FEEL with my heart before I react? He tells me I have no feeling, no care. And when I think about it, he’s right and I hate to think it. I never once stopped myself before an outburst to think about his losses, hurts and traumas and consider how he would feel if I did this or behave this way. What is missing inside me to not be able to do that? I feel like a bad person but tell myself I’m a good person because I do love. I’m so lost, I don’t even know where to start. All I know is I want to fix my wrong doings but I’m not even sure how. I can’t even think of anything to say in those times of need. I have never been able to communicate to him in a positive way like talking in a normal conversation and expressing myself nicely.

Please any input would be much appreciated. I don’t see breaking up with him as an option. I want to work at this, where can I go to get help with learning to be a more sensitive, considerate, caring, compassionate person? Many thank you’s!!

October 24, 2018 at 10:36 am #233021

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TTK:

You want “to get help with learning to be a more sensitive, considerate, caring, compassionate person”- but you have not been those things to him, and so, aiming to be more of what you are not is unrealistic.

My suggestion is that your aim be at stopping certain behaviors that are disrespectful, abusive and aggressive to him. You don’t have to feel any which way to stop those behaviors. You don’t have to feel sensitive, considerate, etc., before you stop these behaviors.

You can stop them now regardless of how you feel. Abuse really needs to be stopped immediately and it can be done. I have done it myself, so I know.

Make a list of those abusive behaviors and have this list handy with you at all times. Notice when you feel like doing any of those behaviors (including saying certain words), and make sure you don’t do those behaviors, practicing self control.

No matter how much you feel like being mean to him, don’t. It will be difficult but over a long period of time, with practice, it will get easier for you. And the greatest benefit to you is that you will feel good about yourself, you will feel a sense of power, that you are able to control your behavior. This will be a huge step forward toward a better mental health for you.

What do you think?

anita

October 24, 2018 at 11:40 am #233035

Inky
Participant

Hi TTK,

At least you acknowledge this about yourself. So many people don’t.

What I would do is show him what you wrote here.

Now that you have a child together, I would focus your primary attention to her. This relationship will either thrive, hobble along, or fail. No matter. Hold your tongue around him. I imagine you can’t easily afford therapy in terms of time and cost with a baby in tow.

Just hold your tongue until it bleeds. If you do that is more than half the battle!

Pretend your BF is a nice stranger. Would you talk that way to a nice stranger? If he says something that makes you mad, practice the art of walking away.

Good Luck,

Inky

October 24, 2018 at 1:14 pm #233057

Peter
Participant

One of the purposes of relationships is to heal our past so we tend to be attracted to partners that will trigger our “past” hurts hoping that because the love us they will be able to react/respond in such away to change our expectation of being hurt. This more often then not happens subconsciously. The goal then is to make the process as conscious as possible

For example, if you have abandonment and trust issues because your father left you or some such and subconsciously you blame yourself for it you will ‘test’ your partner in that regard. Creating scenes to push your partner away with the subconscious expectation that he will leave you, (like everyone leaves you because your such a bad person…) but hope that your partner won’t leave and in this way heal your past. Unfortunately, we tend to replay the scene until we either we get it or our partner, for there own health leaves. Of course, you might pick a partner who issue is sticking around in unhealthy relationships so leaving would be the healing thing to do… but more likely you would be stuck in a codependent relationship where you are always pushing your partner away and your partner staying no matter what, and no one is happy or learns anything.

The way out of these tangled webs is ‘To know thy Self”, “Master your stories”, “Wake to your authentic self”….. Pick any wisdom tradition and the words and practices they suggest may be different but point to the same thing. Only by noticing when your setting up a scene in your story to play out and understanding why your doing it will you stop.

October 24, 2018 at 4:31 pm #233089
HoneyBlossom
Participant
Dear TTK,

I hope by anyones standards that my posting is not inappropriate. I am not a psychologist, but your pattern of behaviours and life is very common amongst some people with borderline personality dissorder – aand this is treatable though it usually takes some time – byt not forever. Mostly, it takes commitment from the person exporiencing all of this. It us usually successfully treated with cognitive behavioural therapy, and Im certain many principles of budhism would help you as well, especespec Mindfulness and guided meditations for healing.

There is strong hope for you. These thoughts and behaviours are often related to early abuse. You are not alone X
- This reply was modified 6 years ago by HoneyBlossom.
October 24, 2018 at 9:59 pm #233135

TTK
Participant

Thank you all for your wonderful replies! They have all given me some insight and guidance. I will use all of these strategies to gain control over my behaviours. I’m willing to do anything to kick this toxic cycle to the curb! Thank you thank you thank you. Love and light xx

October 25, 2018 at 7:29 am #233241

Anonymous
Guest

Dear TTK:

You are welcome. Anytime you’d like to post, please do and I will reply anytime you do. Your objective is a good one and it is admirable that you are “willing to do anything to kick this toxic cycle to the curb!”- because I have done so myself, I will be glad to share how I did it and offer suggestions.

anita
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