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Why can't I let it go?

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • #283593
    Amy
    Participant

    Hi. Looking for some advice.  I’ve been trying not to think about it and just to let it go but struggling.  I have an ex friend who since I started having a bf decided to act really off and awkward with me so in the end I couldn’t be friends with him anymore.  I have 2 friends who are a couple and they became friends with him through me and they’re still pretty good friends with him. They know how I feel. I can’t help but be missed that they don’t seem to get it..I know people can be friends with who they want but I feel like they just seem to get along with e everyone. Am I missing a trick? My ex friend invited me to his wedding which surprised me. I’m wondering if I should just say to him how I feel that I’m thankful he invited me but also confused? Sorry if this seems petty.  I just need closure

    #283617
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Amy,

    It sounds as though you still have some residual resentment for this ex friend.

    You say that since you had a boyfriend, the friend started to act really off and awkward with you. Perhaps you misread that, and he was simply giving you space and time to be with your boyfriend?

    Perhaps the invitation to his wedding is simple. He wants to include you in the circle of people he regards as friends who are invited to his wedding.

    You can choose your friends, but to expect other mutual friends to feel the same way you do about this friend is a little unrealistic perhaps. They don’t have a problem with him, so why would they feel the need to side with you and turn away from him? Is that was is bothering you – the fact that you feel these other two friends shouldn’t be his friend simply because you don’t want to be his friend, and therefore they shouldn’t want to be his friend either?

    with best wishes,

    Jay

    #283635
    Valora
    Participant

    It’s possible your ex-friend didn’t want to overstep boundaries with your new boyfriend. I know that, in the past, I have acted awkward around friends when they get new girlfriends simply because I have had experiences where new girlfriends have felt threatened by me, so I’ve learned to just back way off from a friendship and feel things out and make sure the new girlfriend is comfortable with me before I’m friends like before. Friendship always changes when someone gets a significant other anyway. It creates a whole new dynamic, so I think you have to expect that.

    I would have a talk with him about how you feel and see where he really stands, that you felt he was being really off and awkward and figure out why that is. It may be a misunderstanding.

    #283641
    Amy
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply.  I guess I am kinda pissed that they don’t see it? He talks lots with them and asks them how they’re doing but basically ignores me and my partner. I should point out that we used to go out years ago but it was short lived and we were good friends

    #283643
    Amy
    Participant

    Yes perhaps it is a misunderstanding as he still wants to include me in his wedding.  I should just message him

    #283711
    JayJay
    Participant

    Hi Amy,

    I think Valoria has a lot of wisdom in her answer above. It sounds as though he is really just backing off until he and your new BF know each other well enough for him not to be perceived as a threat.

    Are both you and your BF invited to his wedding?

    Are the other two friends of yours invited?

    Jay

    #283725
    Amy
    Participant

    The thing is me and my bf have been together for 5 years now and it’s always felt like he’s been awkward . I messaged him and he has no clue about it and doesn’t see any issues. So I guess it’s a misunderstanding but I’m not sure I can compare how he acts towards the others as opposed to me

    #283727
    Amy
    Participant

    Just to add I know that we can’t all be the same with everyone and we get along better with some than others.  Perhaps that’s just it I just need to not over think it or take it personally?

    #283739
    Valora
    Participant

    The thing is me and my bf have been together for 5 years now and it’s always felt like he’s been awkward . I messaged him and he has no clue about it and doesn’t see any issues. So I guess it’s a misunderstanding but I’m not sure I can compare how he acts towards the others as opposed to me.

    Just to add I know that we can’t all be the same with everyone and we get along better with some than others.  Perhaps that’s just it I just need to not over think it or take it personally?

    Did this friendship change happen 5 years ago? When you and your boyfriend got together initially?

    If he said that he doesn’t see any issues, even if you notice a difference, I would just try not to take it personally. I’ve had this happen with one of my best guy friends, too, now that I think about it. Right after I got with my ex, my friend kind of stopped talking to me as much and started acting weird, too. Eventually we stopped talking altogether, and our friendship hasn’t been the same since, even though we talk a little more now. That bothered me for a while, too, so I get where you’re coming from, but you just have to kind of get to the point where the change has to be okay. It’s one of those things that you have to accept that it is what it is and that you may not ever know where that change came from, and adjust to the new dynamic. Once you’re able to accept and adjust, you’ll likely feel better and be able to let it go.

    And whatever you do… don’t compare your friendship or relationships with others and try not to place expectations on friends when it comes to their friendships with other people (because lots of times they have different perceptions and end up letting you down when your expectations aren’t met). People often have different dynamics with each other for soooo many reasons and there are so many different little things that can affect that dynamic. Your ex-friend might have just really bonded closely with your other friends and that’s why he seems normal with them. Plus…. you never know, he might have even had some residual feelings for you deep in there that got triggered when you got with your boyfriend, which made him act weird and back off without even realizing how he was feeling or what he was doing. And now that some time has passed, he may especially not feel like anything is wrong, but your dynamic with each other changed a long time ago so this is the new normal.

    #283763
    Amy
    Participant

    Could I still accept it and let it go but at the same time not hang round with him? I said to my friends I can’t really hang round with him anymore as he’s been  so rude/awkward in my point of view.  Or perhaps i should try to ignore that

    #283807
    Valora
    Participant

    Could I still accept it and let it go but at the same time not hang round with him? I said to my friends I can’t really hang round with him anymore as he’s been  so rude/awkward in my point of view.  Or perhaps i should try to ignore that

    Oh, absolutely!  Accepting it and letting it go is just for yourself, your own feelings. You’re just not letting it bother you anymore. If you don’t like the new dynamic with him and don’t feel like you want to be around him, that’s totally okay. I’d just go with the flow at this point.  That friend that I mentioned earlier that became awkward with me… he was still invited to all of the parties I was and we both always went, we just didn’t really talk to each other and focused on our other friends that were there, and that was okay. Eventually we started talking again, even just little conversations here and there, and that’s okay too. The same may eventually happen with your friend and it’ll feel less awkward to you.  Until then, you can do whatever it is you feel comfortable with. Accepting it and letting it go will just give you some peace about the current situation.

    #284009
    Amy
    Participant

    Thank you so much for your help. I feel much better about the situation. I’ll just explain to my friends that it’s up to them whether they invite him otherwise I feel I’m being unfair

    #284187
    faraway
    Participant

    A friendship is supposed to be happy … If you’re not happy in that friendship … just let it go …  don’t push yourself into something you don’t like or feel comfortable !

    Give yourself time you will heal completely !

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