Why is he still active on the dating app?

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This topic has 7 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 5 months ago by Roberta.

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April 5, 2019 at 9:37 am #287749
limbikanimaria
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I’ve been seeing this guy since January, so it’s going on three months and things seem to be going well on both ends. Last Sunday I asked him if he wanted things to be exclusive, have it be an open thing, or keep giving it more time. He said he isn’t dating anyone else and asked me what I thought. I responded by saying I wasn’t dating anyone else either and reiterated that I would be up for keeping things open. He said he would be happy to call me his girlfriend. I got off dating apps earlier last month, specifically Match.com, the one we met on. My profile is invisible and I’m not messaging anyone on the app, but I had the urge to see if he was still actively using his profile today. I looked and there was a yellow empty circle next to his name, which means he was active yesterday or within the last few days. I am confused why his profile is still up, or why he is still actively using it following our talk. If I like someone I don’t want to be on dating apps myself anymore. On match.com you can hide your profile, so if any of my matches try to click on it, will show up as “profile unavailable”. Nobody can see if/when I have logged in…So, he can’t see that I have logged in. I am not messaging anyone or looking around at other profiles on there.

I wasn’t pushing for exclusivity or keeping things open. I simply asked him what his thoughts were. I literally worded it like this – “ what is your stance on making things exclusive, keeping it open, or giving it more time? I can be flexible and good with either way, but figured it would be good to talk about.” He responded by saying he wasn’t dating anyone besides me, and asked what my thoughts were. I said something like, “I’m not dating anyone else either.” I reassured him that I’d be willing to keep the relationship open because monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. He then said “no no, I’d be happy to call you my girlfriend.”

I truly wasn’t pushing for either way, and I was being honest that I could be flexible with either exclusiveness or keeping it open (I try to go with the flow). After his responses it sent me the message that he wanted to be exclusive, so I got it in my head that’s what we were doing going forward. Anxiety set in for some reason and I felt an impulse to check if he was still logging into his dating profile. After seeing that he was logging in, it confused me because he gave me the impression he wanted to be exclusive based on that conversation. Why didn’t he just say he wanted to keep things open? It just seems like his words aren’t matching up to his actions. If I told someone I’d be happy to call them my boyfriend and that I wasn’t dating anyone else, it would be common sense that I took my dating profile down or stopped logging onto it. Any ideas?
- This topic was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by limbikanimaria.
- This topic was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by limbikanimaria.
April 5, 2019 at 9:54 am #287759

Mark
Participant

limbikanimaria,

I am confused. Why can’t you just talk to him? Have an agreement that both of you delete or your accounts or profiles from all dating sites?

Mark

April 5, 2019 at 9:57 am #287761

Anonymous
Guest

Dear limbikanimaria:

The conversation you had with him happened less than a week ago, Sunday. He told you that “he would be happy to call (you) his girlfriend”. Five days later you found out that he was active on the dating app where you met him yesterday, and that his profile is not hidden, like yours.

If I was you, I wouldn’t be alarmed by your discovery today for the following reasons:

1. He didn’t tell you that he will hide his profile, so it is not that he lied or failed to follow his word with action.

2. The fact that he was active yesterday does not mean he pursued new leads or was continuing correspondences with other women. It may be that he has been in the habit of checking his acct for so long that he simply did again what he was in the habit of doing, maybe curious about new activity.

3. The conversation last Sunday was not specific enough. The two of you did not discuss what it means to be in a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship, it was only mentioned.

– therefore, if I was you, I would talk with him next about what it means to have a bf/gf relationship, including the dating app status appropriate to the relationship you are having.

anita

April 5, 2019 at 10:01 am #287769

Inky
Participant

Hi limnikanimaria,

At best, he checks his account out of habit (the way I might mindlessly check FB every day, even though I never post). At worst, he is actively keeping his options open.

I would be brutally honest, but keep it as if you’re apologizing to HIM!

“I admit it, I was on Match, don’t kill me! I wasn’t actively checking anyone out, I SWEAR! But I saw you on there? Let’s close down these apps. The force of habit is too tempting!”

He might be open to doing that. A few months later you can check the app again, and if you THEN see him on there, you can legitimately say, “Dude….”

Best,

Inky

April 8, 2019 at 6:10 am #288035

Michelle
Participant

Hey limbikanimaria,

A different interpretation could be he logged in to try to see if you were still active? After all, that’s exactly what you have done following the half-conversation on expectations for going forwards. I’d suggest that unless you were more enthusiastic to his “no no, I’d be happy to call you my girlfriend” reply than you have written in the conversation above, then he may actually be feeling more insecure than you at this point. If you think about it, you made several comments about being ok with keeping things open, which he may well have interpreted as that being what you wanted….

As said, a follow up conversation really needed, with or without mentioning you’ve seen him on there. Assuming you do actually want to be exclusive, I’d just go with something like ” I was thinking about what you said about being your girlfriend which sounds great and so I’ve decided to delete/hide my Match.com profile whilst we see where this goes- what do you think? “. Always be as honest/open as you can, I know it’s scary in the early days but so much better than misunderstandings potentially damaging a bright new relationship.

Hope it goes well!

December 2, 2022 at 3:13 am #411089

LemonTree
Participant

I am aware that this is an old thread from a few years ago .. Hope you guys talked about it and everything went well after that.

I think a simple answer, from my experience, could be that some of the dating apps have certain algorithms that would make some of the users look like they’re “active” all the time, so that the other users will be interested and send them message requests, and this is what keeps the site going.

My boyfriend was really mad at me for being “online” on the site where we met, stating the same reasons as yours. The truth is that I have been offline the whole time, however, this is the way the dating site is designed, to make the girls look like they are always available.

We had a good laugh about it.

June 7, 2023 at 4:17 pm #419812

Vee
Participant

Am in this situation I don’t know if these apps are designed to see like someone is online when he or she deleted the app I don’t know what to believe am scared and I want te end whatever I have started with this guy I asked him two times he said he deleted but everytime I check he is still active am just confused time will tell

June 8, 2023 at 1:01 am #419816

Roberta
Participant

Dear Vee

I am not very good with technology but I would go onto the same app, put up your profile – with out a picture and limited info or info that would not attract many people ie I am celibate. then after say 48hrs delete then the next day you can check to see if your profile says active, then that way you will have your answer and then you can make the decision whether you really want to continue with this particular relationship.
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