Why is it so hard to let go when we know it's the right thing to do?

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This topic has 12 replies, 8 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 4 months ago by kingmaker.

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July 31, 2014 at 12:39 am #62294

Bernadette
Participant

Hello everyone,
I have posted on here a few times about my relationship with my now ex.
We were together for 5 yrs, on and off because he would leave as soon as we have a difficult argument he would just up and go to his mum for months on end, not even a call or a text, it’s like he was punishing me for arguing on things I was not happy about, I would have to always make the first move, he put all the blame on me and make me feel I’m unreasonable, controlling. we are both in our 40’s.
Why is it so difficult to leave a relationship even when we know this person is not giving us the love and commitment we deserve? Is it to do with age? Attachment? I feel as I get older I tend to accept and turn a blind eye on things that I would not accept when I was younger.
It’s very depressing to know you want to leave but your heart is telling you to give one more try even though the same pattern repeats itself.
All my past relationships have been the same, going out with a guy who wasn’t giving me the love and commitment I wanted, still I was trying to fix the relationship until finally they find someone else and forget all about me..It’s my 4th relationship in 12yrs that keeps repeating the same pattern. It’s like I’m dating the same men but with different names. All is well to begin with, we are happy, in love and then I start to see the true person I’m dating, I start to express my needs, etc…
My latest was like this, I would feel sick he doesn’t care, I would travel abroad he doesn’t care, like he doesn’t miss me, I would do so much for us, he didn’t appreciate, if Im feeling sad and cry sometimes he would just look at me, no support, I will find myself in difficult situation were I need support he wouldn’t say anything, yet he was always texting to say how much he loves me and was lucky to have me in his life.

Why can’t I say enough is enough and forget about him, instead I go looking for more. Is there something wrong with me? Am I craving for something I cannot have or something that’s bad for me, I am a good looking woman, fit and healthy, I run my own business and travel a lot and have build up a wonderful life, my ex is the total opposite of me, still I feel I’m nothing, no self confidence and sort of feel depressed.
all my friends and family tell me I’m pretty and deserve better, I still hold on to the hope things will someday work out fine with my ex… I have no confidence to go out to meet new people, I don’t think I really love my ex, I have stopped being intimate with him for quite some time before we broke up, I would find it an effort to hug him, have sex or kiss him, I felt so drain and tired with the constant issues arising in the relationship.

Can anyone give some perspective as to why some ladies keep holding on to these kind of relationships?

Any advice would be welcome.

Kind regards

Bernie

July 31, 2014 at 1:24 am #62295

Denise McKen
Participant

Hiya Bernie,

From what i’ve read, it sounds as though there’s some work you need to be doing on yourself first and foremost – not to say there is anything ‘wrong’ with you and you are not broken or need to be ‘fixed’, I don’t believe that for one second. There’s just stuff going on in your world that needs to be dealt with.

There could be many reasons why women do this. One thing it comes down to is getting to know yourself. What are your values in each area of your life, for example. And then being willing to take the necessary steps to start honouring what is discovered. A lot of looking within is required and being honest with oneself instead of trying to pretend or cover up.

It could be that they have an unconscious belief running that tells them they’re not worthy and don’t deserve love – based on an experience from the past – so as much as they want better for themselves, they still hold on to what’s not working for them.

There’s also the loss of self belief and self confidence that increases over time which clearly is not going to help.

A woman has to choose to be strong for herself, with whatever support she can find, so that she can release herself from the past, start doing what she needs to do to take care of herself and move forward in a much more happy and empowered way.

Denise

July 31, 2014 at 2:09 am #62300

Bernadette
Participant

Hello Denise

Yes you are right, I have to work on myself as a person, I go into relationships because I just hate being on my own, I just have to be with someone or I’m not happy.. I would try to fix unhealthy relationships until I’m blue in the eye, I would blame myself for things going wrong.
I feel I have some areas of my life I need to sort out, I am a very talented and creative person, but when it comes to relationships I normally date guys who have tons of issues which I’m trying to fix, I’m always the rescuer, until the guy has recovered and moves on and I’m the broken one. Then it’s recovering from the hurt time for me and months down the line the same cycle starts over again. I’ve been like this since my first relationship when I was 16yrs old.

I think I seriously need some form of therapy as I feel very depressed after years and years of the same kind of situation.
Bernie

July 31, 2014 at 7:16 am #62319

Denise McKen
Participant

Yes, getting some help to work through things is the right thing to do. I’m envisioning you in a much happier place!

July 31, 2014 at 9:37 am #62330
VK
Participant
Hello Bernadette!

Well first things first, it has nothing to do with age, because being that I am in my mid twenties, I too have made the same repetitive mistakes with 1 individual, my ex! I think naturally no matter what the signs are telling us, women, whether subconsciously or not, feel that being that ONE girl to change a man, make him more loving, make him aware of our needs, make him change his mind about love in general, is the biggest compliment to us. Maybe deep down you love this outcome, especially because others have not worked out, and from the beginning you will give your all hoping that they will see this genuine love and affection, care and praise, and reciprocate it. I read a GREAT quote the other day “ignoring the signs is a sure way to get you to the wrong destination”. Maybe the signs were present but you only had 1 vision in mind, yours, which is OKAY! The right man will have a similar one, these other guys didn’t. At 40 years old, a man does not need to run away from an uncomfortable situation, that is ridiculous. Trust me, if he wanted the relationship that bad, no matter how irritated, he wouldn’t just leave, that’s the easy route. It sounds like you will fight for what you want, that’s a great trait, the only problem is that when every sign is pointing to the freeway, you still want to take the long way.

I came to a conclusion about myself in regards to my ex. We broke up numerous times and after many of the breakups I knew I should have NEVER let him back in, but I did because although my mind was so aware of the mess, my heart tricked me into thinking he would change and our relationship would change as well. It’s so cheesy but it is so true, you cannot change someone. It’s a hard, hard thing to accept. They have to want it. You could literally break your soul trying to change someone ( I did ) but if they are set in their ways, that’s how they will stay until THEY make a choice. Sure, we can inspire it, but not change it.

I just know exactly what you are going through, the confusion, the feelings of feeling weak, the doubts, and ultimately you just need to work on fulfilling yourself. I found that the reason I even felt a want for this individual is because it was familiar and comfortable. 2, 3, 4, 5 or more years with someone becomes a habit. They become part of the routine, even if that routine is not necessarily positive. It’s hard to separate the two, but try to identify if it’s THEM you truly feel you want and need, or is it just the IDEA of the relationship. Once I was able to separate the two I realized that my ex truly never gave me much. He sucked at showing me love, he never planned anything for us, he was aggressive when mad ( big no no ), he was just blah! I THOUGHT I was so attached to HIM when in actuality I was just in love with the IDEA of love and him. “It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts more to hold on”

You have to envision the world as you did before these mishaps. When we first broke up, I didn’t see the world as my own. I saw it as this place that had reminders, whether it was people or places. It gave me an energy that was hard to shake off because I felt like even in my days driving to work or something there was an unfamiliarity with the world. I felt uptight, I felt like I was surrounded by “us”, the memories. And then literally a few days later I said F this! This is ridiculous! This is MY LIFE, NOT HIS, NOT OURS, MINE MINE MINE! I kind of kicked my own butt on that one. And then I just stopped with the nonsense. I refused to let an individual that is literally not apart of anything I do, affect me. After that I began to do little things that made me happy. Whether it was getting a coffee before work or renting a movie. Start somewhere! Never feel like you need a guy to fulfill certain aspects of your life. Sure, love is what makes the world go round, but let the next man prove himself to you. You obviously have made a great life for yourself, don’t let losers disease it!

Much love!
VK
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by VK.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by VK.
July 31, 2014 at 6:33 pm #62359

Bernadette
Participant

VK
thanks so much for the reply.it is so true that I was somehow addicted to the idea of being in a relationship with my ex, he never gave much, never showed a genuine interest in what i do, I was literally bending myself to make things work, family and friends was telling me to quit but I wanted to hold on, to prove they are wrong, I am right, I can save this relationship, even his ex wife told me a year into my relationship with him that she had to divorce him as she couldn’t cope with his behaviour, she spent 10yrs trying to fix her marriage and she gave up. When I met him he blamed everything on his ex wife, saying she cheated on him with numerous guys.. Well now my close friend tells me the other day that my ex is already in a new relationship with a woman in his area, just 6 weeks ago he was saying how much he loves me and he wants things to work between us…

B

July 31, 2014 at 7:10 pm #62363
Big blue
Participant
Hi B,

I understand exactly what you’re describing. I have also been thinking about attachment. I learned that there are types of attachment. Not going to over snalyze it, but there may be something to people like us at times being avoidant, or needy, etc. and then what if our partner is one of these? Idk.

Anyway you are definitely worthy of being treated well and loved!

Big blue
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 4 months ago by Big blue.
August 1, 2014 at 12:09 pm #62415

yadizmarie
Participant

Hi B, I agree that you must first learn to be happy by yourself before you can share yourself with anyone else. You admit that you hate being on your own. YOu are successful, and independent but you have a desire to fulfill a void by being with and sharing with someone else. Love yourself first. It seems you havent even given yourself a chance. Also try reading The SEcret. It seems like you keep attracting the same type of men because that is what you are throwing out there. Law of attraction works both ways. If you say “I keep attracting the same type of guy” that is exaclty what you are going to continue to get. I still think that before any other relationship comes your way, you need to be able to get that inner strength that you need to be able to walk out when there are red flags. The ones we see for our friends but refuse to see ourselves because of our need to fix men. Girl, I am guilty of it too. Right now, I told my boyfriend that we needed space and that I didnt want to see him for a month, he was very distant too and depressed, so i gave him space, now he is trying to turn things around because he sees what is important, us. Let me tell you, from my experience, if you are very available to them and comforting and nice they will walk all over you but be the meanest person ever and they come crawling, lol, just saying. As women we need to remain strong before anyone that comes our way not only for our own good. Good luck, i hope you really try meditating so that you can begin to see how great of a person you really are, all by yourself.

August 1, 2014 at 1:32 pm #62418

MD
Participant

You are definitely not alone. I am in this same situation currently. For me it’s come down to, am I attached to the feelings I get from him/ how he makes me feel when things are going good between us? It sometimes feels like that’s what I’m chasing. Anytime we have a misunderstanding he is too quick to run away. I end up being the one to smooth things over.
The solution I came up with, for the time being, is a two-week period of time where we don’t talk. Time to walk separate paths and then see what happens when we reconnect. Maybe you can do this? I think of it as stepping back to look at the big picture.

August 4, 2014 at 8:25 am #62581

Kelly
Participant

There are two books I recommend you read, which have been enlightening for me personally as someone who has a hard time letting go:

How to Break Your Addiction to a Person by Howard Halpern
Obsessive Love: When it Hurts Too Much to Let Go by Susan Forward

August 9, 2014 at 12:54 pm #62954

kingmaker
Participant

I can relate to all the posts on here and would agree that letting go of someone is so hard. I am in a situation where I should walk away and have the clear signs that my ex is long gone, physically and emotionally but will I walk – NO. She is back with her old boyfriend and we remain as ‘friends’ yet I know I should break contact. I know I should walk away and I know that keeping her in some format kills me every day. She treats me appallingly a lot of the times, she is highly critical of me yet she plays games and keeps me with talk that she still loves me but cant have me now, and send me emails occasionally with how much I mean to her still. She admits she loves her fella but loves me in a different way. Why cant I wake up and walk?? I tried no contact and was so weak after 2 days that I contacted her! 2 days, that’s ridiculous. I don’t have a close set of friends and family so I have to rely on sites and self help. I don’t believe I have low self esteem but those that I speak to say that could be the reason I repeatedly go back for more. I check my mobile and email every 10 minutes and this drives me crazy. I keep my self fit and run and try to lead a healthy lifestyle but this infuriates me and I wish I could walk away and forget her. She is with someone else and I am history and I hardly hear from her now so why doesn’t my brain accept this along with my heart and walk away??

August 10, 2014 at 3:19 am #62964

Bernadette
Participant

Hi Kingmaker
Sorry to hear you are going thru this situation.. sometimes we get too attached with people who hurts us, I’m sure before you met your girlfriend you were a different person? I guess after being in an abusive relationship we cannot see a way out from this person, I mean the way your girlfriend is treating you is kinda abusive, she is with someone else yet she is leading you on and playing with your feelings, unfortunately some people are like this, they don’t want you but they don’t want you to move on either, it’s a sort of mind games, I guess we put up with it because it’s something to do with our self esteem and low confidence. Do you seriously think you love your girlfriend or is it just an attachment that you have? Sometimes we as human beings want to prove to others that we can make our partners change their behaviour, we will do anything to win our partner, to make them see how much we love them…I have been thru this with my past relationships, only to find out later that my partner has totally moved on and I’m blaming myself for not being good enough, didn’t do enough and so on…
I have not seen or heard from my ex for over 2’months now, I’m getting stronger everyday, I did try to call him last month, but he didn’t respond so I left it at that, my friends tell me he is with someone else, there is not much I can do as if he really cared about our 5 yrs relationship he would not have moved on so quick.
These days I’m taking time to look after myself, I go jogging on the beach and up mountain, I go for a swim and spend time in nature, it has helped me a lot as I was kinda falling into a mild depression as it’s not easy to face the future alone, the worst is trying to adjust to doing things on my own as we use to do so much together. Some days I don’t have much drive to do much, but on my good days I makes the most of keeping busy and doing things I enjoy… I know eventually I will wake up and not be thinking about him… I also spend time on this great website, reading the great post and also try to reply to some of the members who needs support.it does help to know that we are not alone in our problems and others need support too…
I don’t have any friends or family on the tiny island I’m living, I met my boyfriend on this island 5 yrs ago while on holiday, and decided after a while to move there with him.. We did so much, I build a place in the mountains, now I’m living alone there, luckily I have my dogs and a beautiful tropical garden for company..whereas he has his family and friends for support, So it’s kinda hard for me as all my family and friends live abroad.
I do understand how you feel, just take it easy and try not to contact her, it will do you good as for myself every time if think about contacting my ex to see if he’s ok, I let my thoughts slip on something else, like the way he never wanted to solve issues in our relationhship, like the facts that he was so quick to move on, I try to forget the good times and focus more on how he didn’t care to put more effort despite him saying hen loves me so much,I guess it’s more to do with guilt than love. Cause if someone truly cares they will not leave…
And finally the last paragraph: sometimes us humans we want what we cannot have, I mean it is true, as I take an example from myself, I have been with guys in the past who would do anything for me, strange thing is I didn’t feel interested, I always look for guys with so much issues and hard work for me to keep the relationship afloat. I just think it’s crazy..I’m sure deep in your heart you know this is over, but guess you are holding on to the last hope that she will change her mind, even if she does change her mind and come back to you, do you think you can ever trust her again after what happen? Those are the question you should answer to yourself. I’m sure you will find some answers and once you get your answers you will slowly be able to forget all about your ex. Best way to move on is no contact. Tust me it does help.whenever you want to contact her, keep your mind busy with something else. Do anything to distract you. U will heal and become stronger just by not contacting her…be strong, you deserve a lot better.
With regards
Kadija

August 10, 2014 at 2:50 pm #63003

kingmaker
Participant

Thanks Kadija for your reply. You are right in what you say. I know I must go through some pain before the light appears and I must be strong. I listen to people when they talk of looking within your self and I must admit, when you focus your efforts on someone else and they are ‘your’ life, you do lose sight of yourself. Time for the Kingmaker to be strong and survive without the ex. Thanks again
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