koko vega,

I believe that there is no right or wrong for feelings.  My take is that I am responsible for myself and if it feels like too much work for me to do in the relationship than what I get out of it then it is not worth it.

What changes are being asked of you?  What changes you want from your partner?

Mark

Hello koko vega,

Can you tell us one or two specific things he is asking you to change?  Is he asking you to do more of something or less of something?  Or to do something you are not comfortable doing?

When he asks you to change something, a good response could be, “I will work on myself, you work on you.”  I see this a lot in different couples…one person in the partnership takes on the “job” of changing the other person.”  There is a fine line between a) supporting a partner who is trying to change something and b) making sure their partner changes so that they themselves are happy.

The only person you can change is yourself.  Say this to yourself and also your partner.

Airene

Hi koko vega,

Two paradoxical truths are:

1. People change all the time. Change happens naturally. You are probably wiser and more mature than you were in your twenties, for example.

2. On a fundamental level, people don’t tend to change that much at all. Sure, you can “surface-y” change for a time, but most people drift back to who and what they really are. Unless your change becomes an ingrained habit, it’s not going to happen.

Him going through all your stuff: That’s just a trait of his insecurity. If you are utterly boring, there is nothing that he can find. He will get bored and stop (eventually) but do tell him it’s tiring. I would keep one thing password protected and let him know it. Tell him it’s to make sure there’s SOME mystery in your relationship! 😉

Aside from him changing, you changing, it sounds like you need to break up with him. It’s gotten stale.

Best,

Inky

You are welcome, koko vega. I hope to read from you again with an update about that conversation that needs to happen.

anita