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Wife is apathetic toward me

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This topic contains 14 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 week, 3 days ago.

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  • #295795

    Simon
    Participant

    My wife and I have been together 11 years and married over 5. We have an amazing 2.5 yr old son, a wonderful house and a great 10 yr old yellow lab.

    My wife recently has told me she’s no longer in love with, doesn’t want me to touch her and doesn’t even really consider me a friend. She says she loves me as a person, but feels nothing for me in her heart. I’m 34 shes 31. I work in healthcare, 12 hr shifts, 3 days a week. She has the more traditional m-f 9-5 type of job in corporate offices for a credit union. Very different work dynamics. She says logically she would be crazy to leave me, but in heart she feels zero toward me.

    My wife says I used to be fun and happy, but have turned into a negative person that hates people and basically everything. In her defense, I have had negative times, who hasn’t? I would have negative opinions about certain news headlines, or things I would see, etc. The difference is I was negative toward her or directed anything at her. She took all my negativity and internalized it and made it personal to her. This in turn brewed years of resentment toward me. She states she tried to talk to me several times throughout years, but I wouldn’t listen or would dismiss it or wouldn’t understand. So instead of changing her approach, or checking to see if I actually knew where she was coming from, she would do the same thing over and over and then eventually stop trying and stop talking to me. She would just let the anger and resentment build and bottle it all up. Meanwhile let me believe that things were fine. We would have our ups and downs like any normal relationship, but when I would think things were back to normal, to her they were compounding and just continuing to grow. She claims it has been this way on and off for eight years. That time frame predates our wedding, birth of our child and buying our home.

    I’ve always thought we could get through anything. We have had a huge amount of loss throughout our relationship. My mothers death, her parents divorce, her grandparents and aunts death within a year, both of my brothers double lung transplants, two instances of long distance living, etc. We’ve been through a lot and I think have a seriously solid foundation. I dont think she feels the same.

    Fat forward to a month ago. Things are pretty bad between us. She seems distant and unhappy and I finally truly realize where she is. Hearing everything was like getting hit by a train. I acknowledge my downfalls and take accountability for them and vow to change after a couples therapy session. A few weeks go by, things are looking up. For the first time in years she actually comes up to me and gives me a hug and a kiss after getting home from work. Then I discover the affair through phone records. I ask her about the calls and she denies and lies about it at first. Then she admits to the lie, and another, and another, and another. All in all I uncover 4-5 separate lies about this affair, each worse than the last. She says they never slept together and for the most I believe her, but that doesn’t really matter at this point. I’m so horribly destroyed by now. I can’t believe my wife would do this to me and to us and our family. She says there’s no feelings whatsoever and it was just fun and because he looked like he would be good in bed. This was all two weeks ago. We continue to talk/argue throughout the weekend. I’m a broken soul, but the thought of leaving my wife never even crossed my mind. We can and will get through this. I, mostly unknowingly, played a big part in all of this. She played a bigger part, but seems to have little remorse to that fact. We vacillate back and forth between I love and you and I’m sorry and anger and me wanting more info and details and it pushing her beyond her comfort and all that. The next week she’s gone for work the whole week and the week after I’m gone for training. We talk everyday, some days good, most days bad. Shes incredibly angry with me and the resentment is seemingly insurmountable to her. Almost to the point of she feels absolved of her transgressions and this is completely my fault for pushing her for details and constantly talking about it to try and understand what, why and how. We have three really good days of talks and she says she’ll give me the time and a chance to fix things and even tells her mom she thinks things are going well. The next day after a bad talk, all the good is completely gone, she hates me again and basically says she wants a separation, non legal. After total meltdowns on both our parts we decide to hold off on me leaving. She seems completely done with little to no hope of reconciliation. I, on the other hand, in no way want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything. I can’t imagine not having her as my wife and not being a part of my sons daily life. They are my everything. I will do anything and never stop trying. We see a couples counselor, which we haven’t seen since this all was discovered and we both have individual counselors we have yet to really see. She says she’ll go to counseling but seems to have no hope. My thing is, this is all so raw and we haven’t even tried to work on anything. How can we say it’s done and our marriage is over if we haven’t put in an effort to save it? She says she feels nothing, but I feel deep in her heart she knows we can be amazing. She has said when we were good, we were great and untouchable. To me that says there’s hope. She’s even said she could see us getting back together down the road somewhere. Why say that if there’s no hope? Shes ready to be done, I say we haven’t even tried and we owe it to ourselves and to our marriage and our son to try with everything we have. Marriage isn’t something you stop working on. It doesn’t have a finite amount of effort you put in. I’ve gone through a tremendous amount of reflection and have made a lot of changes for the better. She’s said several times she would regret leaving me and then see me become the person she fell in love with. I’m most definitely becoming that man again with the reflection and changes I’ve made. I’m putting in the effort, but have yet to see anything from her. She’s looked at a few articles, but is so stuck on this negative mindset and staying in this same destructive pattern she’s engaged in her whole life with every relationship.

    Sorry this is so long. My world has been completely destroyed. I don’t sleep and rarely eat. I’m losing everything. Am I crazy for thinking there’s still hope for my marriage and my family? My wife is my soulmate and my everything. I’ll never stop fighting for her. How can I get her to see we are worth it?

    #295849

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    I read part of your original post and I want to read all of it attentively when I am back to the computer in about 16 hours from now. I am sorry that you are facing this difficult time in your life. I hope other members will reply to you before I am back.

    anita

    #295857

    Mark
    Participant

    Simon,

    Your pain is apparent. I am sorry for that.

    What I don’t get from your posting is exactly what you have reflected on and what changes you have done (for the better).

    Right now from your posting, I do not see any reflection, any acknowledgment of what your part that is causing this relationship to fall apart.

    Please elaborate for this way it will give me a more holistic understanding of her pain and anger.

    Mark

    #295861

    sophie
    Participant

    Wow your wife lucky to have you! for you to call her your soulmate and you won’t stop fighting for her. Me and so many of my gfs only dream that a guy would say that about us. idk, seems life has messed you guys up. Sounds like she should cut you some slack but also idk she sounds drained and tired. what spontaneous things have you guys done recently to liven up the marriage? of course there’s some depression and drain on both sides, and i don’t think theres a simple fix to your marriage. But when was the last time you swept her off her feet or did something really sentimental, fun, exciting with her ? when was the last time you both experienced joy together? She will probably think that its not enough right now cuz from what you say it sounds bad, but theres so much pain between you guys, that thats what she feels and gets reminded of when she sees you. She needs to feel joy, fun happy, feminine sexy when she sees you. When was the last time you guys went dancing or did something new or different. End of the day however, you are willing to put in the work and that is so commendable. Therapy between you guys would take months, maybe even a year, its a process and a commitment, nothing will work like magic, but it takes two to tango.

    #295863

    Simon
    Participant

    Mark,

    A lot of my wife’s problem was my tone in the way I spoke. A lot of it. The negativity, although not directed at her, provided her an atmosphere that was easy to look at as me being a negative person. I completely understand where she’s coming from now. You don’t have to be negative toward anyone to be looked at as a negative person. I’ve also heard a time or two I’m a little apathetic myself. I would always be the one playing devils advocate, or looking for a way for something to go wrong. I never considered myself a bad person. I would always help a person in need, but in her eyes I feel she thought I had fundamentally changed and not for the better. I can see what people meant when they would say those things about me. I’ve definitely become much more cognizant of my tone and have absolutely become more of a ray of sunshine then a dark cloud. Both of which my wife has acknowledged several times since this all started. One of the biggest problems I’ve identified for me and for us really, is we let life get in the way of us. I would tell her I love her many times each day, but I stopped making sure she knew how much I appreciate her and enjoy spending time with her. Since our son has been born we’ve been on three date nights. That is very wrong. I feel that’s a little on both of us, but she’s put that on me and has been a point of contention, since she told me the exact date I last took her out. What I would give to be able to take her out again and I’ve stated that many times. I’m really holding on to hope since she wants to go to counseling, but pretty much feel it’s my last hope. I just want a chance to show her, to prove to her that the man she’s hoped would come back for so many years is coming back. I feel she just needs to let go of this resentment and allow me back in. At the same time though, I can’t fix us without fixing me first. She’s a person that feeds off others, so if I’m a positive person, I feel that’ll feed off on to her and it will be positive for both of us.

    #295865

    Mark
    Participant

    Simon,

    Thanks for elaborating on your original post addressing my question(s).  So if I understand what you said, the primary issue that your wife thinks is wrong with the marriage is your tone of voice and that you took the contrary side of a discussion?

    You identified what your part in this problem is that you stopped letting her know that you appreciate her and spending romantic/one-on-one time with her.

    You said that you cannot fix the relationship without fixing yourself first.  Is there anything else besides what I listed above (taken from your response to my question(s))?

    My only advice is to learn to love her unconditionally.  Don’t argue with her on what she says.  Acknowledge her feelings, her pain.   That may be painful to hear blaming and anger toward you but keep in mind, this is her pain talking.

    Listen, really listen.  Show that you are listening by repeating back what you heard.  Again don’t argue with whatever she says.   Ask what you can do to support her, to make things better and then do it.    Ask how you can make her life wonderful.

    Shelve your own needs and feelings.  You may have anger about her affair.  Put that aside.

    Woo her again.  What is her Love Language?  Do it all; gifts, words, acts of service, quality time, physical touch.  Take the initiative without having her tell you to do things (household chores, child care, foot/back massage, telling her how much you appreciate her – and be specific on what exactly  you appreciate about her, flowers, etc.).

    If you are really committed in keeping her as your wife, then this process does not “fix” things overnight.  Plus there are no guarantees in life.

    What do you think?

    Mark

    #295913

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    A relationship between the two of you started when you were 23 and she was 20. At about the ages of 28 and 25 the two of you got married and at about 31 and 28 you had your son. Along the way you purchased a house together. For eight years, since she was 23, she says that she was on and off angry with you, a resentment toward you building (“the anger and resentment build and bottle it all up”)  because you were negative and wouldn’t listen to her when she tried to talk to you about what bothers her.

    And yet she married you and had a child with you, her resentment continued until recently she told you that she is “no longer in love” with you, that she “feels nothing” for you, that “in her heart she feels zero” toward you, that she doesn’t want you to touch her and that she doesn’t even consider you her friend.

    She told you that you “used to be fun and happy, but have turned into a negative person that hates people and basically everything”. Very recently you found out that she had an affair through phone records. You asked her, she denied and told lies, then admitted lie after lie, “4-5 separate lies about this affair, each worse than the last”.

    She told you this about her affair: “there’s no feelings whatsoever and it was just fun because he looked like he would be good in bed”, and she “seems to have little remorse”.

    “She’s incredibly angry with me and the resentment is seemingly insurmountable to her. Almost to the point of she feels absolved of her transgressions”.

    You wrote that you “in no way want a divorce. I love my wife more than anything.. I will do anything and never stop trying… She says she feels nothing, but I feel in her heart she knows we can be amazing… Marriage isn’t something to stop working on… I’m putting in the effort, but have yet to see anything from her.. My wife is my soulmate and my everything. I’ll never stop fighting for her. How can I get her to see we are worth it?”

    My input: you want this marriage to survive and get better. What you have going for you in this regard is this: “She says logically she would be crazy to leave me”. She works in corporate offices for a credit union full time. She is aware of finances, and she is not motivated to divorce you for financial reasons, losing the house, a double income and going through the trouble involved legally, financially and practically. This is why she suggested a non legal separation from you.

    Emotionally, her anger toward you and disregard of you is extreme. She doesn’t care how you feel, didn’t care to tell you such things as feeling zero for you, not even seeing you as her friend. And telling you that she had the affair because she thought “he would be good in bed”, suggesting you are not, hurting you this way unnecessarily. Her disregard of you is quite unusual, in my experience, to not care about a husband’s feelings that much.

    My suggestion: if this is not the case already, move within the house you share to a separate room. Resolve to not share a bed with her for the foreseeable future. She wants a separation- give her a separation.

    Once living in your own room within the house, establish a strictly co parents/ roommates relationship with her. Do not pursue her romantically. Don’t take her to date nights. None of that.

    I suggest this for the purpose of saving your marriage. The more you chase an angry, indifferent, even hateful person, the more that person will disregard you, think little of you, figure that your chasing her is evidence that indeed you are as unworthy as she believes you are.

    See an individual therapist if you need to and can afford it. Make an appointment with a divorce attorney just so to figure out if there is anything you should do, or not do, so to protect your rights as a father and financially, in case she pursues a divorce.

    Do not suggest to her that she should see an individual therapist and don’t ask her if she does. Do not pursue a couple therapist and attend such only if she suggests that the two of you do that.

    Do not allow her to bring a man into the house, of course, and don’t accommodate her dating another man or men, but don’t ask her where she goes and what she does, as long as she doesn’t neglect your son. Do that for a few months and re-evaluate the situation at that future time.

    Your thoughts…?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 3 weeks, 1 day ago by  anita.
    #295977

    Simon
    Participant

    Thank you all for the input. I very much appreciate it. Last night was a little rough, but wait.

    I got out of the house for the day and went golfing with my brother, which is always nice, but I can’t shut my brain off. Everywhere I look is constant reminders of her and nothing but happy couples and families enjoying themselves. It’s painful. She even bought me my golf clubs, so there’s that reminder as well. After golf I had a great talk with my brother and his wife that probably made me feel the best yet. In a short version, my wife has been surrounded by negativity and pain, one could argue, the majority of her life starting in childhood with a verbally abusive, short tempered father. That, then continued with me, so in a sense, I became the same persona her father portrayed, which undoubtedly brought back a lot of painful memories which erects walls quickly. My sister in law (SIL) suggested to simply kill her with kindness. Like you said Mark, put all my feelings aside. Do nice little things for her and eventually she’ll come back. She’ll feed off it, it’ll take time,  but she’ll come back. Stop taking about us and just be the person she needs right now. Be positivity in her life. My brother and his family are leaving for a week and my SIL offered my wife their house so she could have a break and get away from me. My wife turned it down saying that we’re going to go to counseling and, Anita, there were already plans in place for my wife to move in to the spare room. Thank you for the suggestion as well. I offered an actual separation where I would go stay with my brother and we would just coordinate care of our son for however long it took, 2 weeks, 6 months, whatever. She wanted me to, but didn’t, I think due to her witnessing my devastation of not being able to be around my son every day. I can honestly say I probably have not cried harder in my life than realizing what was happening, or about to happen, at that moment. Her turning down the offer to stay away from me, to me, says there’s hope in her somewhere. Her saying that she could see us getting back together years down the road, to me, says there’s hope within her. We agreed to go to counseling like I have mentioned before. A stipulation for our marriage counselor, whom we’ve seen before, and she’s amazing, is that we both see individual counselors as well. A big difference in counseling, I felt, was that she was going with the thought of an easier divorce transition, and I with the intention of us reconciling. I have never wavered in the thought that we are so much bigger and stronger than this.

    I don’t know what happened but I could just see it in her face. We’re over, no hope, it’s done, stop trying, throw in the towel, game over. In no way do I want to stop trying, but no matter what, there comes a time when you call it. I don’t know what that triggered in me, but it was hail mary, 4th quarter, end of the game time. One last time to lay it all out completely, so maybe at least I can tell myself I gave it my all, I don’t know. I laid out my plan for us. How badly I screwed up in the previous years, how it will always be considered my biggest failure as a person, how I had the my soulmate and didn’t make sure she realized what that meant to me. I don’t throw that term around lightly. How I would so gladly give her the rest of my life to make it up to her and make sure she never feels anything remotely close to this again. How at the very least we should be able to say we’ve been on, at the minimum, 33 date nights since our son has been born, which would be about one a month or so, not 3. How I don’t care about the money anymore, only the time and the memories. (Money has been extremely important to me as I grew up poor and even still we don’t make a lot, but I think we’re mostly comfortable at least) I told her that if we had 5k sitting in a savings account and we took it and blew it on a vacation. . . . great. We’re not gonna remember that 5k, but we’re gonna remember that vacation. I seriously laid out everything. How we could start completely over and all is entirely forgiven and we need not look to the past or discuss it, only forward from this point on. To rebuild, regrow, learn how to be friends again, learn to love each other again, learn to respect each other, learn how to be an amazing couple once again. All she has to do is say OK. Two letters and everything we used to have starts its final transition of returning. We had it before, we lost it. Why can’t we find it again? As I’m telling her of my plans for her and us and how I want to court her forever and never stop dating her, she begins to cry and seemingly starts to thaw in regards to her feelings of me. I lay myself to her mercy. This is what I have to give and to offer you. My full heart, my soul, my life, in your hands either to embrace, or throw away. Then she said it. She opened up, smiled and said I’m open to it. I finally did it. I finally have my chance. I hope it’s apparent from these posts what this chance means to me.

    Even though I have my chance we still have a lot of work to do.  We’re still going to counseling and will not stop. We can taper off when the time comes but we both feel it’s important to regularly go just to do a checkup and make sure nothing is there and rebuilding and to make sure we’re utilizing the skills we’re going to learn to effectively communicate with each other. We’ll still go to individual counseling because we both have work to do as individuals as well. We’re definitely not jumping back in full steam. We’re going to do it correctly. But man, how nice it was to get some sleep last night. I feel like a new man today. I’m so excited to date my wife and prove to her over and over just how important she is to me and how much I appreciate her.

    #295987

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    You are welcome. What a positive update, glad to read it!

    Regarding “we’re going to learn to effectively communicate with each other”, when I attended couple counseling my therapist taught us the EAR principle, to communicate Empathetically, Assertively and Respectfully. I hope you and your wife work hard, persevere, learn and love each other more and more.

    I hope to read more from you in the future, anytime you’d like to share and update.

    anita

    #297173

    Simon
    Participant

    So, since my wife decided to work on us and give us a chance we have been to two counseling sessions, with a third coming this Wednesday.  The sessions have been pretty good for the most part with some setbacks, if that’s the correct word to use.  For example, she agreed to be open and give us a shot, which I thought was her opening up to me and to us, yet in counseling when asked why this time and what changed, she said that I basically just broke her will to leave.  Sure doesn’t sound that positive when put like that and almost like she’s just settling.  She also said she planned on calling a realtor and a mediator last week (prior to the counseling sessions) and initiating the divorce process.  Still, though, in my mind, that’s crazy.  We haven’t even started to work on anything.  Yes it’s quite different for her and for me in the sense that this has been building up for her over the course of years and I got all the pain hurt at once over the course of a weekend and everyday since.  So, in that respect I understand to an extent, but she also doesn’t seem to recognize and/or believe me when I say had I truly known what was going on and how it was truly affecting her that I guarantee this would not have happened.  I would have made absolutely sure of that.  I never want to hurt my wife in any way. I want to make sure she feels loved and respected and appreciated every day for the rest of her life.

    The days since have been challenging.  Some days seem okay, but most she seems cold and distant and almost like she doesn’t want to put in effort.  In a way it makes it feel and seem to me that this is my problem to fix and she’s not at fault in any way and/or absolved of any wrongdoing.  I would really hope that’s the not the case, but it’s the perspective I’ve been seeing.  I’m trying to give her time and space throughout this.  Admittedly, I’ve failed miserably at that a few times.  I know that she doesn’t want to talk about any of that outside of session and we agreed to that while in session.  Since we agreed to that, I’ve been pretty good on that.  A couple times the subject matter got pretty close to the line, but then it was steered away.  A frustrating part is that it seems any progress we make is so easily derailed by the tiniest of things.  She wants to get back to the very basics of communicating and really just start off with “how was your day” kind of stuff, which I can respect, but also feel if I don’t initiate any conversation, we wouldn’t have any.  I’m leaving town tonight for work, but will be back late tomorrow night.  I don’t plan on contacting her other than to let her know I’ve reached my destination safely, sort of in a way to see if she’ll actually reach out to me.  I don’t want to say it’s like a test, but it kind of is.  It also wreaks havoc on myself with anxiety and wondering and not knowing, but I feel like it’s better if I don’t contact her.  Since this all happened, she has contacted me first in the day, maybe only three or four times, in the last month.

    Last night we had a really good talk.  We had some liquid courage on board, which I’m starting to think wasn’t a great idea considering how the night ended.  The conversation went there.  It went to us, but we were also communicating quite well and very openly.  She was saying several times how this is a new area for her, in the sense of working on this stuff instead of running, like she’s done with every relationship she’s had, and how this is a lot of pain to get over.  She was saying she’s expecting it to take probably six months to get really back to being us, but then would flip flop and say if that happens. I told her six months is no problem as long as we’re continuing to move in the right direction.  This is a marathon, not a sprint. I also said six months in comparison to the next 40 years together is nothing and I’ll be by her side supporting her the whole way.  Then somehow, and neither of us know how, the conversation took a horrible turn and more or less ended in a big argument.  Oddly enough it seemed to happen around the topic of me complimenting her and how it’s so exaggerated and doesn’t seem sincere at all!? I was pretty dumbfounded at this and still am.  How is a compliment a bad thing?  I would say things like “you run that ship” in terms of her work building.  I would think it’s pretty obvious that’s a huge exaggeration and really I’m just very proud of how far she has come from being a teller (works for a credit union) to migrating to the corporate offices and running meetings with high level executives.  I’m immensely proud of her, but she almost takes it as a dig and says it’s so insincere.  I don’t know when she started taking everything I say so literally, but now realize I need to stop with the exaggerations.  Less really is more apparently.  Then I didn’t get any sleep and now have to leave for the night.  We hugged goodbye when I left and I texted her that I’m really sorry for how the night ended and that I hope she has a good couple days, to which she replied she’s sorry too, but I just really hate leaving things like this.  Why couldn’t it have been a great night like it started out as and me leaving with us on a happy note for once?  My head is still so screwed up from all of this.  I’m really tired of feeling this way.  I just want my wife back, so we rebuild, restart, and regrow.

     

    I’ll update with more soon…

    #297175

    Peter
    Participant

    Simon

    In every relationship we make a choice to be ‘happy’ together and work through all the stuff or we choose not to.  The Book – ‘How to be a Adult in Relationships’ by David Richo – might be a good guide through these waters.

    #297225

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    Try to not express to her optimism about the relationship, to not to suggest to her that she should think positively about you and the marriage.

    Instead acknowledge to her that she is indeed conflicted, that she does in fact still thinks about separation and divorce. This way, you will make it possible for her to feel comfortable about her desire to separate from you.

    Once she feels comfortable about her desire to separate and divorce you, this desire will calm down and she will be less likely to separate and divorce you.

    anita

    #297905

    Simon
    Participant

    Well, I’m about 99% sure it’s over.  I’ll reserve 1% for the miraculous.  We’ve discussed splitting everything up, she got in touch with a mediator, we’ve both looked at apartments, we’ve discussed selling our home (which we both love SO much), we’ve scheduled consultations with attorneys, and the list goes on.  I’m completely devastated!! I know it’s not, but my world and my life seem so broken.  Here’s what I’m really having a hard time understanding.

    We BOTH massively contributed to our original problem that lead to all of this which was broken communication. Me in being negative about things and her internalizing that and seeing me as a downer.  Her big failure was lack of communication.  Hers, more so in the sense of ineffective and ultimately halting communication altogether. She says she tried to talk to me about all these issues, but when one method failed, she never tried a different method of communicating with me.  Just kept trying the same method expecting different results.  In the end, she stopped trying to talk.  Her pain took years to build.  I’ve had all of mine in a month.

    She told me so many times that she wished the man she fell in love with would come back.  The happy, confident, outgoing man I used to be.  Honestly, I never considered myself that far away from that person, but that’s a moot point now. About 5 weeks ago I had my eyes really opened to how she was feeling and what was going on, I can’t remember how I came to that realization, but I did, in a big way.  Turns out it was all for not.  She says she been in  a state of apathy since January, which begs the question, why the hell are you still here six months later if it was so unbearable?? She claimed if the person she fell in love would come back then everything could be saved and all would be good especially since she is the type of person who greatly feeds off the personality of others.  My happiness and confidence would rub off on her and we would be back to us, which she used to say when we were good, we were great and totally untouchable.  With my eyes opened, I understood and still understand what I need to do.  I almost immediately began implementing those changes and started being happier, avoiding negativity and not allowing myself to go there.  Really watching the tone of my voice during conversation, which she claimed was one of her biggest complaints.  I stopped smoking cannabis cold turkey(which was a huge deal for me), I lost a bunch of weight, started going to the gym again.  I was making some real positive changes in my life.  She acknowledged some of them and still does and will say she’s proud of me for making those changes.  But she was too far gone.  She was beyond the point of no return despite her telling me repeatedly we could work on it.  That our recovery would be slow and could even take 6 months before she really starts to open up to me, but I didn’t care how long it took.  I would work on it for the rest of my life without a hesitation. I mean, we’re talking about my wife and my family.  I’ll never stop fighting for those things in my life.  Even after all this and we sell the home and get divorced and she came to me years down the road and showed interest in us, it would unbelievably hard not to pursue that.  I think I would kick myself in the head for doing it, but wanting to be with the mother of my child and for my child to grow up in a loving two parent household means so much to me. Sadly, that, for the immediate and probably distant future doesn’t seem to be the case.

    If we didn’t have a child together and could walk away from each other completely, all of this would be so much easier, but I’m faced with a divorce I want nothing to do with.  Everything I love most in life is being taken away from me against my will and I will still have to (or get to, not sure on that one yet) deal with my ex wife for the rest of my child’s life.  I will still have to see her multiple times a week and talk to her regularly.  That is going to be, at least for a while, unbearably difficult and feel like it will rip the scab off every time.

    Something else I just can’t understand is why wouldn’t you fight for your family?  If we could look each other in the eye and say we gave it 100% effort, but it just didn’t work, I would probably be okay with a divorce.  We haven’t even tried though.  We’ve gone to 3 counseling sessions together and she hasn’t even started seeing her individual counselor other than an intake session, which doesn’t even really count since it’s all info gathering and whatnot.  The effort to save our marriage and our family, in my opinion, is in its infancy.  People take years to get over this kind of stuff, but she looked at me and said she doesn’t even want to try.  She just wants to be on her own and have her independence.  But, let’s not forget that she has told me and all her friends and family multiple times she was happy she stayed and was happy we’re working on it, even if it will be slow.  Literally, on Monday she told my sister in law she was happy we’re working on it.  Two days before that when one of her best friends asked if she was happy she stayed, she said yes.  Then by our counseling session on Wednesday, she was done.  The flip flopping back and forth and feeding me false hope has been astounding.  In the session she basically admitted she never had any intention of reconciling and that she always wanted a divorce, but didn’t want to hurt me.  As if leading me on and giving me so much false hope was a better option.  Everybody is so dumbfounded by all of this.  It doesn’t make sense to anybody that knows us and knows what’s going on.

    I still just want to believe she’s not thinking clearly and is clouded by resentment and hate and can’t or won’t get passed that.  I truly don’t think she’s actually thought this through and all that it will entail, but nonetheless, there is nothing I can do.  I hope she is thinking this through and is not horribly confused and unsure of what she actually wants.  I hope she truly realizes what is right in front of her and what she’s throwing away.  A completely committed, devoted husband and father of her child, that will spend every day for the rest of his life making sure she knows she is truly loved and appreciated.  A husband who wants to give her the world and romance her forever.  A husband who knows and has taken accountability for all his failures and shortcomings in our relationship and has already changed so many of them and will only continue to work on himself to make sure she never feels this way again.  I hope she knows what she’s doing.

    It seems impossibly difficult to think about right now, but the only thing I can do is move on.  Keep things amicable and civil for the sake of our child.  Try to maintain a level of respect with each other, so we don’t turn in to bitter parents who hate each other.  She says she wants us to be amazing co parents and still do so many things together and just raise our child as co parents.  Personally, I think she’s a little crazy expecting that to be so easy, at least right off the bat, but if that’s my only option, then that’s what I have to do.  Give her the divorce and remain a strong positive fatherly influence in my child’s life.  She wants the divorce to be easy and agreed upon through mediation, so I should probably be very thankful for that as well.

    My final hope is that she learns to let go of the anger and resentment and shutting down and withdrawing and that somehow opens her eyes to what a strong great man I am and how great we can be together.  I’ll never believe this was strong enough to break us.  In the meantime, I have to move on and take care of myself.  I can’t dwell in the past and what used to be.  I have to look forward and embrace this as a new beginning, even though I never wanted one and still don’t.  I still love my wife more than anything and would still do anything for her, but unfortunately the sun is setting on that and she will soon be my ex-wife.  I can only hope and pray “ex-wife” is temporary and we somehow find our way back to each other.

    #297913

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    I will read your recent post (and anything you may add to it) when I am back to the computer in about 12 hours.

    anita

    #297981

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Simon:

    You wrote in your recent post: “Here’s what I’m really having a hard time understanding… Everybody is so dumbfounded by all of this. It doesn’t make sense to anybody”.

    This is what makes sense to me: if long ago she cared about being honest with you, with her family members and friends, she doesn’t care about that anymore, so what she says is a mixture of lies and truths. If anyone, assumes that all that she says is her truth (what she believes to be the truth), then the one assuming that will have a hard time understanding and will be dumbfounded, or assume she is confused and doesn’t know what she wants.

    But if you determine what is her truth and what is lie, you will understand and no longer be dumbfounded.

    This is what reads to me like her truth: “she says she feels nothing…. She says she been in a state of apathy… she looked at me and said she doesn’t even want to try. She just wants to be on her own and have her independence.. She basically admitted she never had any intention of reconciling and that she always wanted a divorce”.

    This is what reads to me like her lies: “She claimed if the person she fell in love would come back then everything would be saved… she has told me and all her friends and family multiple times she was happy she stayed and was happy we’re working on it, even if it will be slow… telling me repeatedly we could work on it”.

    This is where I believe you understand the situation correctly: “She’s incredibly angry with me and the resentment is seemingly insurmountable to her.. she was too far gone. She was beyond the point of no return… She wants the divorce to be easy and agreed upon through mediation”.

    You already know or suspect that she lies to you because you repeatedly wrote, “she claimed“. Understandably you are also angry at her. Her anger at you turned into apathy, but your anger at her did not turn into apathy yet, so watch it. You should probably attend individual therapy so to manage your anger as the separation and divorce proceeds.

    Post again with your thoughts and feelings anytime you want to.

    anita

     

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