June 14, 2020 at 6:33 am #358509
I would so much appreciate your help. First let me tell you that – even though it may seem the exact opposite 🙂 – I am not a naive idiot. And excuse any mistakes – not a native.
There is a narcissist I was in a relationship with. We were planning on a future together (on Sunday we were picking chairs for our new place and 30 hours later they break up with me over an SMS (as “his feelings about us have changed and he does not want to to have to KEEP pretending he wants something he actually does not (followed by “telling you I love you 2 days before this was genuine and I did mean it” …lol – how crazy can it get ? :)).
I got into serious (not just !) financial trouble because of him. The house we both rented (2 days prior to him leaving) is far from what I can afford just on my own (the person is wealthy). This lovely person let me rent the whole house despite the fact he knew very well what terrible messt I would have to deal on my own with thanks to his (as he called it himself) “change of the heart”. Zero consideration for anyone but themselves.
I am the one who signed the contract (so his name does not appear on it), as we were in a long distance RS.
He blocked me everywhere (only responded to one of my e-mails where I called them a coward for running away without any explanation given whatsoever – said “He is not going to read any more of such nice e-mails.” (this is too much, isnt it ? ,-)
So here I am – moneyless, heart-broken, not really knowing much what to do. Heart-break I can deal with and do not need to talk about. (I do not really want to have to keep living anyway.if this was one of a few life disappointments, it would be doable…but life has been not really nice to me since the very beginning and my trust in people is non-existing) I would be just extremely grateful if someone could give me some advice as to how to proceed with the following.
I truly do not wish to ever have to speak to this lovely person again, I do not even care about the money anymore, even though I got into serious trouble because of it and had to interrupt my studies. But I really hate the idea of this vile individual keeping doing harm to others and just getting away with it. This I cannot just overlook.
Thanks to this lovely person I got into debt. When you have been friends with someone for years (and when you know about all their fears), then you really do not expect them to betray you like this and just vanish into thin air, do you ?
I am really not a massochistic kind of a personality, therefore if a person I was in love with would turn out to be a narc like they did, I would just go NC right away, no regrets. But since he got me into serious trouble, you can probably understand why this was SADLY not the option…I needed to remind the idiot of the financial side of the thing (they are wealthy – as they do not pay taxes)…he said himself that the money for the rent is really just a small fraction of what he makes in a month, so when someone (who I thought of being a person with high morals) does this to you, you would at least expect them to do chip on for the rental even though they “changed their heart about you” since you were (supposedly) the only person in their life and their greatest friend, right ?
Did not happen, really. He knew I was broke thanks to him, yet he did not even offer me to LEND me some money.
Quite the opposite – 2 days later he sent me the coldest and most calculated e-mail you can think of, explaining me that “we never got married and therefore he is not really responsible for any inconvenience” etc. It literally made me sick. “In obedience with the law, I am not obliged to do anything for you.”
Well, I am not going to dwelve further into what other – not really nice – things he did to me. Let me just tell you that “in obedience with the law” I should report him to revenue services for tax evasion..I have done my research and found out that in his hase it would only mean repaying some money to the state back. Please do not tell me that I should just let them go and do more harm. I do not think it is wise.
I have filed a complaint weeks ago that authorities just did not even take a look at. I assume it is due to the fact that I sent the letter outside the US, so no one took it really seriously.
You know, it is similar to the situation of someone murdering your loved one. No matter how much of a fullfiling life you can start living (which is not my case – trust issues are just going to stand in the way forever now..), there will be always this terrible pain and mostly the fear of them doing this to more people like me in the future.
Therefore I think that justice really needs to be served here in order for this person to take a lesson and stop screwing others.
Every morning I wake up wishing someone would help me for him to learn a lesson and help me report them, making sure the authorities will really look at this case. But with my broken English, officers do not even take me seriously.
This person is absolutely shameless and would sell their own mother if they could 🙁
Wish someone could at least tell them in person what a jerk they are or help me for them to feel ashamed.
Thank you SO much for any piece of advice/help. I want to make sure the authorities are going to take a look at him.
Wish all the women he has abused would contact them too…</div>June 14, 2020 at 9:13 am #358528
I am sorry to read that you were deceived and betrayed by this man who led you to rent a home believing that he will pay part of the rent, then he broke up with you and refused to help you out of the financial trouble of being stuck in a rental contract that you can’t afford, even though he is financially well off.
You wrote: “Heart-break I can deal with and do not need to talk about (I do not really want to have to keep living anyway”- I am not sure if I understand: do you mean that you don’t want to relive the story by talking about it or that you don’t want to keep being physically alive???
You shared that “he said himself that the money for the rent is really just a small fraction of what he makes a month”, that he knew that you were broke because of him, and yet he didn’t offer to give or even lend you any money so to be able to pay the rent he was supposed to help you pay. He communicated to you in an email that the two of you were never married and therefore he was not responsible for your rent, or otherwise “not obligated to do anything for you”.
You tried to report him for evading taxes, if I understand correctly (“I have filed a complaint weeks ago”), but you didn’t get any response regarding your complaint. If I understand correctly, he lives in the U.S and you live outside the U.S. (?)
If he indeed lives in the U.S. and you live in another country, I can see the difficulty in you as an individual person taking any legal action against him, or in encouraging the IRS (Internal Revenue Service) in the U.S. to take action against him. Maybe you can get an appointment with a lawyer who practices international law who can help you “serve justice”, which is what you want to do. Maybe there is an agency in the country where you live that advocates for women in your situation.
I hope you find a way to hold him legally and financially responsible for the wrong he has done to you. Because unlike what he wrote to you in the email (I hope you save this email, so that it can be used against him), he is responsible for what he did even though he was not married to you. When he agreed to pay part of the rent, he made a verbal contract with you. In the U.S., as in other places, it is illegal to break a verbal contract. If you lived in the U.S., I think that you would be able to sue him in civil court for breaking a verbal contract, asking the court to direct him to compensate you for financial and even emotional damage caused by him illegally breaking the verbal contract the he made with you.
anitaJune 14, 2020 at 4:27 pm #358563BrandyParticipant
When you were with this guy you knew he was evading taxes. Failure to pay taxes can lead to criminal charges. While you were with him you saw him as “a person with high morals”. Why did you not see him as a criminal?
When planning your next move, don’t confuse justice with revenge. My two cents.
BJune 15, 2020 at 8:16 am #358611KiawakiParticipant
Unfortunately, law is rarely about justice and more about strictly following written rules, so there are many shady people, in business and privately, who make it their modus operandi to exploit trusting people while still remaining within the limits of the written law and written contracts, for example deliberately using ambiguous language in contracts. That seem to be especially common in America, in my experience. The best way to approach it, IMO, is to see it as an expensive, but valuable lesson which might save you worse trouble in future, if you learn all you can from it.
Do you think it would be possible to warn other people about him? If you get any information about who he might be targeting as his next victim? Or, to ease your mind, you might want to dedicate some time to share your experience to help other people learn from it? Knowing that you helped others might make up for your pain.
KJune 17, 2020 at 8:10 am #358789
Thank you so much for your kind response, Anita. I appreciate it very much, I truly do.
How have you been ?
Well, as for the money for the rental…fighting for it is definitely not worth it. It would be so time-consuming and with no guarantee whatssoever that I am not going to even give it a try.
I confrontated him with the financial problems he put me into and his response was that “He does not really owe me anything as we were not married.” and that “feelings and plans simply change and I need to understand that”.
He also confirmed that he was actually never truly in love with me as he would “prefer someone with a different face”. Can you imagine how humiliating it feels and how much ugly and EXTREMELY humiliated I feel now ?
You can stay in a RS where you doubt your feelings for several dates..first 2 days…
(you know, if it was a Tinder hook-up, I could just laugh at it…but a friend of years..? Knowing what kind of serious trouble I am getting into thanks to him. The scariest thing is that he is not a person completely lacking morals (quite the opposite..that is the toughest part)..but the level of disgust he actually has for me caused that it has not really occured to him what kind of both emotional and financial problems he caused…so he left me feel worse than a piece of crap.)
The whole time, all those months, he pretended to be in love with me just so that he is not alone :/
I cannot help myself but feel absolutely disgusted.
If it was not for lack of beauty, money, love, true friends, family,…one could say “it just takes time”…well, let me tell you whole my life has been nothing but pain. I truly do not want, nor need any more of this. (By the way – I am a vegan, working with disabled and selfless. Karma ? Come on. )
The very last thing left I want from this beautiful experience called life, is for him not to get away with it this time.
Feel free to call it a revenge, ok. If anyone is willing to help, I would be reall greatful for a private message…
Sometimes revenge can be quite justified.
Have a nice day, everyoneJune 17, 2020 at 8:14 am #358790
(Brandy, also thank you very much for your reaction. Of course you are right. )
Kiawaki, thank you so much for the time taken 🙂
I am afraid there is no way how to warn others (and even if such a web existed, I would never ever reveal them there as I find that way too much.June 17, 2020 at 9:21 am #358792
You are very welcome. I am fine, thank you for asking.
In your recent post you shared that fighting for financial compensation from him (following him breaking a verbal contract with you), is not practical for you (“so time-consuming and with no guarantee”).
When you confronted him with the financial trouble he caused you, he told you that he doesn’t owe you anything because you were not married. I say again: he owed you to respect a contract he made with you, and if he changes his mind, he owes you to compensate you for his choice to withdraw from the contract. He could have broken up with you and give you the money you deserved.
He also told you: “feelings and plans simply change”, and that you “need to understand that”. He doesn’t understand that there are consequences to changing some plans after investment in those plans have been made…? Let’s day he hires mechanic to fix his car, and the mechanic tells him it will take three days to fix the car. After the second day he arrives at the mechanic’s place and says: my plans changed, I don’t need my car to be fixed, I am going to buy a new car. The mechanic then says: well, I need to be paid for two days of work! And the guy says: “feelings and plans simply change and you need to understand that”!
In the example above, what he should do is pay the mechanic for two days of work (not for a third day of work), and buy himself a new car. In your real life story, what he should have done, once he changed his mind about the relationship with you, is give you the rent money he promised you for six months or however long it will reasonably take you for you to find a new, less expensive place to live.
You shared that you are a vegan, working with disabled, selfless, that your life “has been nothing but pain”, and this man added more pain to your life, that he pretended to be in love with you just so to not be alone, that he “also confirmed that he was actually never truly in love with me as he would ‘prefer someone with a different face'”, and that “he is not a person completely lacking morals (quite the opposite.. that is the toughest part).. but the level of disgust he actually has for me caused that it has not really occurred to him what kind of both emotional and financial problems he caused”.
My input today:
1. Regarding him being “a person with high morals”-maybe in a few contexts. Even convicted murderers in prison have some high morals, for example: many feel very morally superiors to child molesters and therefore physical attacks on the latter in prison are common. So, are the convicted murderers who attack child molesters in prison- people “with high morals”..? I would say that in the singular, isolated context they have good morals, but overall, no, they are not people with good or high morals.
2. A person with good or high morals in the context of interpersonal relationships will not betray a person just because he feels disgusted by that person. Morals are about solid principles of conduct, not about changing emotions. You described two areas of this man’s low morals: in the context of interpersonal/ romantic relationship and in the context of cheating on his taxes, especially taking into consideration that he can afford paying his taxes, being wealth.
3. You mentioned reporting him to the IRS. A quick and easily available online search led me to the following (likely, you already know the following): “If you believe that someone is violating federal tax laws, the best way to report to the IRS is by filling out a 3949-A form. Fill out and print the form and mail it to the Internal Revenue Service Center, Stop 31313, Fresno, CA 93888“.
wikihow. com/ Report a Person Who Doesn’t Pay Payroll Taxes: says that you can download the form 3949-A at the IRS website at www. irs. gov. Going to the website, click “Forms and Publications” to the left, then click “Forms and Instruction Number (PDF)” in the middle of the page, then type the form number into the blank space next to “Product Number”, and click “Find”. It says that another method is to fill in that form online, and that you “can identify yourself on the form or remain anonymous”.
anitaJune 19, 2020 at 2:00 am #358939
Thank you so much, Anita ! I very much appreciate the time taken, really.
Yes, I have also found these instructions, however I was not successful in terms of where to upload / send the form online (as I cannot mail it by air this month).
Lovely weekend, everyone..June 19, 2020 at 7:45 am #358955
You are welcome, RoseRose. Post again anytime and have a lovely weekend yourself!
anitaJuly 13, 2020 at 7:00 am #361536
2 months have passed and the authorities have not taken any action at all (despite me contacting them twice)…meanwhile, my ex has been travelling with his new love, sharing their love and travelling photos on social media.
Meanwhile I had to move in back to my mother´s apartment as I was left broke.
Have a great day, everyone 🙂July 13, 2020 at 8:16 am #361543
The title of your thread is: “Will you help me serve justice?” and your most recent comment about justice is: “Justice, yeah”-
In Wikipedia’s entry on “Retributive justice”, it reads that when an offender breaks the law, justice requires that they suffer in return, proportionally to the offense. It reads that unlike revenge, retribution/ retributive justice is directed only at the wrongdoing, has inherent limits, involves no pleasure at the suffering of others, and employs procedural standards.
The injustice that this man committed against you is that he broke a verbal contract he made with you, to pay rent for the house you rented. (The injustice you informed the authorities about is him not paying taxes to the state, a different wrongdoing). Retributive justice, in your case, would have been achieved if you successfully sued him in a civil court for breaching a verbal contract, and he would pay you the amount of money you lost because of him breaching the contract with you. This would have satisfied retributive justice, being directed at the specific wrongdoing he committed against you, having inherent limits (a specific amount of money to be paid to you, and having involved procedural standards of law.
If this wouldn’t have satisfied you, and you want him to suffer because it will bring you pleasure to see him suffer, that’s a matter of revenge, not retributive justice. Revenge is motivated by deep anger and a yearning to see a transgressor suffer.
Are you wishing for retributive justice or revenge?