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Wishing I could forgive and let go

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  • June 14, 2017 at 7:20 pm #153306
    Lily
    Participant

    It’s been 7 weeks since my partner of 4 years and I broke up and I wish I could just move on. Last November a good friend from my past committed suicide. It devastated me. Because I lived at the other side of the world I didn’t attend his funeral. My partner helped me through it. But I decided I must enjoy my life more and live life to the full as a tribute to my lost friend. So I went out more, cares less about saving the little money I earned and spent it on fun and experiences. I was really enjoying life. I went on with my sister for a couple of weeks as she was backpacking in a country near where I lived.  It was so much fun. My partner rang me everyday to tell me he loved me and have a chat, normal behavior for us. On returning I felt somthing was up. To make a long story short I figured out that he had cheated on me with a girl he worked with. I hit the roof. He kicked me out. I was completely heartbroken and devastated. This girl he had known just a few months, he moved her into the house, my side of the bed. I fell to pieces and booked a flight home to the other side of the world. I’m now home a month and I’m totally depressed. I feel like I was standing in the middle of a beautiful room and life was finally making sense and that I was finding true happiness. Now I’m back home in my parents house after 13years. Though they are good people they tend towards negativity, with my Dad suffering from depression. I found a job in a local pub to keep myself distracted but it’s really quiet apart from the few pervy drunks who come in and sit at the bar during the day. I feel sorry for them and make conversation but it’s soul destroying. My friends are being so good to me but I don’t even want to see them and make excuses when they ask to meet up. I wish I could forgive and move on but I resent him and his new life with her. How do I let go? How do I find myself again after being in such a codependent relationship?

    June 14, 2017 at 8:58 pm #153344
    PearceHawk
    Participant

    Hi Lily…what a heart breaking story. Wow. Forgiving someone often times takes time. I have a feeling that you will have to come to terms with your resentment first before you can forgive. That’s my current thought anyway. And what I mean by coming to terms with your resentment, I mean that the resentment has to take on less meaning for you so that you can begin your new journey. Your reaction of resentment is totally normal-you have been blindsided and hurt by someone you love(d). Being relieved of resentment has to happen before you can forgive. I also think that having the feeling of having less resentment is a very good indicator that you are healing and that you can move on in more clarity. Ridding yourself from resentment, letting go, forgiving, and moving on takes time. I told someone in a different post that life is the classroom and experience is the teacher. It took me many years to fully appreciate that. You asked, “How do I find myself again?” You are not lost Lily. It may feel like it, but you are not lost because you can go everywhere there is to go, literally and figuratively. You can take yourself on any journey of your design, whether it be imagining your correction in direction that takes you to a place where you can visualize your healing and your new life, or on a fantastic backpacking trip. I went to the top of Mt. Whitney twice and OMG what a humbling, beautiful, breathtaking experience. Lily you will heal. You will forgive on your terms, you will enjoy life again and you will love and be loved again. I promise.

    Pearce

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by PearceHawk.
    June 15, 2017 at 3:54 am #153354
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    Please don’t be hard for yourself. I’m so sorry about what happened to you. It’s only been 7 weeks and you were with him 4 years. Each of us are different, some people take 6 months (although I don’t know how they do it), others it takes a year, others it takes 3 years, with me, because I have abandonment and co-dependent issues (which are being worked on in therapy) it took me 4 years to get over the two love of my lives. You just have to let yourself go through the grieving process, and only time will heal.

    Even when we no longer want that person, we still hold on to them because of the memories and how we felt when we were with them, back when times were happy, secure, a future envisioned. Adding that to the loss of the tragic death of someone only adds to the grief. I am glad you are making an attempt at keeping busy. Maybe living with a family member isn’t ideal right now, and working in the bar, but at least you have a roof over your head and you can pay your bills.

    Have you tried a grief support group? I too lost a friend from suicide right after losing my Dad, and it was a Godsend to me. I went to a hospital, where they had free support groups. I also joined co-dependents anonymous, I do the phone meetings because there are no face to face meetings in the small town where I live. You will meet a lot of happy wonderful, supportive people, and they will find a sponsor for you. They teach you how not to make a man your whole life like I did and have back-up resources, so if a break-up did happen, I would not feel so devastated, lost and broken. I have been there and know how debilitating it can be. Just keep surrounding yourself with friends, even if you don’t feel like it, join support groups, and time, one day you will wake up and not think about him anymore. Keep us posted.

    June 15, 2017 at 4:57 am #153358
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    You don’t have to forgive him or let go of your resentment. Your job is to say, “I’m going to CONTINUE to live the best, fullest life possible, Universe, especially and more so when things go wrong AFTER I’ve done with my magical adventures!!” Why is it that when we have the time of our lives a crappy experience hits us square in the face when we get home? No. This is what you do:

    1. Quit working in the soul destroying pub. Work in a bookstore or coffee shop where the people are more intellectually depressed at least.

    2. Go on another fabulous adventure. No, make it TWO fabulous trips/adventures. No, make it three.

    3. When you come back if the Universe dares make your life more difficult upon your return, go on another trip, even if you have to become a hitch hiking hippie.

    4. When you finally return and all is well with the world (after teaching the Universe a sound lesson and giving it a good thrashing by your audacity to have a good time while honoring your friend’s memory), you will find that you have forgotten all about that poor guy stuck on the other side of the world with some girl who he’s (probably) miserable with by now but would never admit to anyone.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Inky.
    June 15, 2017 at 5:24 am #153364
    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    I just wanted to something to my original post. I’m not saying forgive him now, but remember, God, Forgave us for our sins, by sacrificing his only begotten son. Therefore, we must forgive others. Not for their sake but for ours. Holding onto grudges, bitterness, resentment, only makes us stuck and more depressed, trapped in a cycle.

    If we are unforgiving, we can’t move forward, because we are stuck, mired with bitterness, misery, hardness and anger. Forgiveness is more for us, it’s allowing us to let it go, so we can move on with our lives. Its allowing bitterness not to poison us, so we don’t bring it to our next relationship. If you go to your future relationship with unforgivenes in our heart, bitterness, resentment, grudges, men are quick to pick up on this and men do not want a woman who is stuck with all these negative, angry emotions. They wonder, if they make even a small mistake..will they be forgiven? Forgiving will help you move on. I’m not saying you have to forget what he did to you, but but there is a reason for everything, and yes, what he did was horrible, but you must forgive for you. Don’t live your life living in resent, an unforgiving heart, anger and bitterness. Try to stay positive, and know that God is opening the door for something so much better for you.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Eliana.
    June 15, 2017 at 12:03 pm #153506
    Mark
    Participant

    Hi Lily,

    Sounds like you are surrounded by negativity… at work, at home.  It’s hard being one who was cheated on because you tend to be left with this idealized image of the partner. He left me for her, while you are the one stuck alone thinking about him with her.

    Try not to do that. I know he was probably a great guy, but he probably had his issues, too. It helps me to remember those when I am trying to move on from someone. It takes time and conscious effort.  Notice when you are thinking about him, realize that it doesn’t help, and then try to think about something else. It doesn’t do much good to think about the person at all when you are trying to move on. Try to find something you love to do instead. Reading, learning something new, and working on something meaningful can also help to take your mind off him for a while.

    Meditation can also help because you are training your mind to observe itself. You are staying present and not lost in the thoughts. Continuous stretches of quiet and calm. Listening to sounds instead of the thoughts in your head. Noticing all the colors and details instead instead of thinking about him.

    Try to focus on the hope, instead of thinking about the things that are bothering you.

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