Dear Helcat:

I just realized that I didn’t respond to your post from yesterday, so here is my response:

You are welcome! “Recently, we are arguing about arguing. We are both stubborn, so that is a factor too. Poor communication, often turns things into an argument“- I suppose this is what couple therapy is about: improving communication/ avoiding arguments.

“I think that we try not to bother each other and try to live with difficulties until it hurts. Trying to tough it out and see if things improve. When things go on for a long time and there is no improvement, that is when it becomes an argument“- perhaps have a daily meeting, a difficulties- resolution/ better-communication meeting per day designed to bother each other constructively.

“I agree, arguing has become very harmful“- do no harm= do not argue.

“I have always liked animals better than people. It’s true. Our son is easy because he is in that group of non-verbal, no stress“- your husband and you can have a non-verbal communication meeting every day as well, perhaps..? Two meetings per day: one verbal, and one non-verbal.

“I’m glad to hear that you found a different dentist! I hope that your experience is better next time around.“- thank you. Not looking forward to it, yet, relieved that I will not see the same faces (the hygienists) that the panic attached itself to.

“It is hard for me to start from the beginning at the moment. My PTSD is quite bad right now. My mind is a bit out of control. Sometimes . I have difficulty managing my thoughts, feelings and reactions“- I wish that you could take time out for a week or two, away from the current place and triggers.

“A positive step is that my husband has started letting me take breaks when I need them“- good thing, taking breaks is a must for you, an unnegotiable need/ coping mechanism.

“When I am in control of myself. I use the communication techniques recommended by our couples counsellor and things go better. My husband doesn’t try and use them without my guidance yet. This is something that I think needs to change.“- I hope it changes soon. I hope he makes the effort.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome and thank you for expressing your appreciation so beautifully ❤️.

“Yes, I also think that couples counselling is about my husband learning to emphasize with my perspective. This is something that he struggles with“-  I see..

“Yesterday, he finally acknowledged that he has been struggling with his own untreated PTSD which has been triggered because of the prolonged stress and arguments. It was nice to hear him finally say that it wasn’t my fault“- getting to understand better.

“I have honestly been trying my best“- yes, you have, very well done, Helcat!

“I don’t think that the dental work is something to look forward to…“- thank you. Interestingly, on March 14, 2022 (two years and 7 months ago!), I shared with you on your first thread, about a visit I had at the same dental clinic where I experienced panic recently. It was a routine teeth cleaning appt back then, with a very thorough, competent dental hygienist (she is not one of the two hygienists I saw most recently, the two who displayed a level of incompetency in the task of numbing my gums before crown work).

This is what I wrote to you back then: “ – just the other day, I had a dental appointment, and as the dental hygienist used a sharp, metal dental scraper uncomfortably too close to my gums, I relaxed so nicely because I focused on her soft face (that which I could see above her mask), her soft voice as she hummed to a song, taking in her ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ as she instructed me kindly to move my head to the right or left, etc. And I thought to myself: oh, how I wish this was my mother!”

(the following boldfaced words are words from the quote above): So, I am thinking, with your husband, as you talk with him about uncomfortably difficult topics (akin to placing sharp, metal dental scrapers in each other’s mouth..?), perhaps aim at saying more please and thank you with a soft voice and a soft face, talking to each other kindly, having a relaxing song in the background.

Perhaps be.. more mother-like to him during such conversations. Maybe it will relax the boy within him, the boy who suffers from untreated PTSD, and make him feel safe enough to feel and express empathy for you.. I hope.

anita

* I see that not the whole quote can be seen above: “It’s believed to be a message from the universe or your angels, indicating that you are on the right path and encourage you to embrace new beginnings… take inspired action, and embrace your unique qualities”.

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome and thank you for the first angel face emoji I have ever received!

“Pregnancy hormones have lots of natural painkillers and muscle relaxants“- I didn’t know this (the wisdom of nature).

“… As the baby grew, that’s when things got worse. I had pelvic pain even before the baby, so the last trimester was agony. I could barely walk and the last month I couldn’t“- there is a long and thorough blog post,  living with fibromyalgia. org/fibromyalgia-and-chronic-pelvic-pain (Nov 2023): “Two common types of chronic pain that often coexist are fibromyalgia and chronic pelvic pain… Fibromyalgia affects an estimated 2-8% of the population, primarily women… On the other hand, chronic pelvic pain is a common problem among women, affecting approximately 15% of the female population…

“Emotional stress, anxiety, depression, or a history of trauma may contribute to the development or exacerbation of chronic pelvic pain…

“Fibromyalgia is characterized by central sensitization, which refers to an amplification of pain signals in the central nervous system. This heightened pain perception can lead to widespread pain throughout the body, including the muscles, joints, and soft tissues. Additionally, individuals with fibromyalgia often experience disturbances in sleep, mood, and cognitive function, which can further exacerbate the perception of pain… Central sensitization, which is a hallmark of fibromyalgia, can also occur in the pelvic region, leading to an increased sensitivity to pain in that area”-

– this helps me understand better how important it is for you to have a stress-less, calm home life. It is important that your husband understands this too.

“My thoughts are that none of us choose how we feel. It sounds like my husband has been struggling with his own issues too. For a while, I blamed him for blaming me. That isn’t very helpful either“- blaming people is harmful in any relationship, let alone a marriage. Let alone when one of the partners suffers from fibromyalgia.

There is an excellent blog:  fibromyalgia resources.com/wife-has-fibromyalgia: (Aug 2017): “Your Wife Has Fibromyalgia? Here are 25 Ways to Support Her…1. When they are having a breakdown, hold them, let them cry and know you are there for them. 2. Learn as much as you can about it. Be patient… 5. Believe them first, be supportive second, be kind at all times third and pull your weight in the relationship in a practical way. They didn’t plan this any more than you did and you’re both in this thing together… 6. Show Love and Don’t ask too many question in a flare up times….

Also, if I understand correctly, Living with Fibromyalgia & Chronic illness is a support group for partners, something that your husband may benefit from.

Back to your recent post: “There is something else that is important to know about him. He has a very good memory. Something that he struggles with is that he doesn’t forget arguments“- another reason to not blame, not to argue.

“The world can be hostile at times and challenging“- I think that hostility between individuals, between groups of people, between nations, all has its origin in the.. first crime scene, so to speak: the home where a parent is hostile to a child.

“The idea of adopting has always been nice to me too. It sounds like you had a good understanding of what being pregnant would be like and made decisions that were right for you“- thank you! ❤️

“I am wondering how you are doing? Are you sleeping any better?“- unfortunately, had another sleepless night. But had an enjoyable time socializing last evening. I wish I could sleep though.

anita