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anita.
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July 11, 2024 at 1:56 pm #434913
Helcat
ParticipantChecking in with myself. How I am feeling? stressed and utterly exhausted, disconnected from my body because of the amount of pain that I’m in. I’m trying to compartmentalise and focus on each individual task. It is really all I can do to prevent myself from getting carried away by anxiety. One day at a time, one proverbial foot in front of the other. Just keep swimming…
It is hard being a parent because the responsibility never stops. It doesn’t feel real sometimes. It is easy to lose yourself in the day to day taking care of the child. It is difficult to manage things.
He is a beautiful boy, determined, loving, kind and smart as a whip. He is also shy. It is something that I am trying to work on, bringing him out of his shell around strangers.
It is hard to not have time for your own feelings and to actively hide how you are feeling. It is hard not being able to take a break. I cannot imagine how single parents manage, and with multiple children.
Everything is about my son now. I am okay with that. My hopes and dreams being for him. Everything else pales in comparison. At the same time, it is hard going through all of these changes to myself. It does feel like I am fading away. I do need to set an example. I have to matter too. He’s going to look at how I treat myself as much as how I treat him.
I legitimately thought I would be dead by now growing up. Instead, I have a husband and a son. Life is nuts.
July 11, 2024 at 2:36 pm #434914Helcat
ParticipantI read that thinking about the positive changes to my identity I have experienced because of having a baby.
I understand now, that relationships are to be prioritised above ego and emotions. I am more forgiving now. It has helped my husband and I to operate as a team and genuinely improved our communication. I understand that vulnerability is important for communication. I understand more about the difficulties parents face. I am able to problem solve and help my son. I think that I take good care of my son. I’m trying my best to be a good mother. I’ve enjoyed learning about child care and developmental stages. I would like to learn about child psychology. I have processed and overcome a lot of challenges in the past couple of years. I’ve proven to myself that I’m not like my bio mum. I didn’t magically become a psycho after giving birth. Who knew? 😂 I’m learning to be a bit sillier.
July 11, 2024 at 2:37 pm #434915Helcat
Participant*can be helpful
July 11, 2024 at 10:36 pm #434932Tommy
ParticipantIn parenting, you learn that you must take care of yourself first before you can help anyone else. Like being on a plane that has lost air, you must put on your oxygen mask first or you can not help you child. Parenting means you are out to raise your child with every advantage you could possibly give him. It also means that you have to teach them to be good people. Have a moral compass. Ideas of good and bad. When good decisions make for good results and bad decision make for bad results and much regret.
Helcat, I am sorry you are in so much pain. The stupid saying that what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger, … well, it really doesn’t mean any thing when you are going thru it. I can still remember my wife telling my mother in the hospital bed of trying to be good and take recovery as best she can. Then days later my mom would pass away. I know there is no sense in saying the end is near. But the truth, it hurts. So we don’t mention it. Always presenting a brave face. It was the same with my sister when she passed away from Cancer. Thinking this will probably be the last time I see her. And for some reason, I still feel that I will survive even though I know I will die.
I really hope you will feel better soon. Tough to take care of a baby when you need so much attention for yourself. Are there any relatives that can visit and help? Neighbors or friends? It is good to hear that you and your husband have found a way of working together to raise the baby. Children will either pull you together or … we don’t say the other stuff.
Shy? All kids are shy at first. But more exposure to meeting people (the same people) can help allay fears. Shyness can be overcome. Oh, are you talking to the baby? Hearing the sound of your voice. They will pick up on language faster. Oh. to help my daughter I go her this DVD on your child can read. It was a fun and educational DVD to help her learn words. It really did help. TV .. yeah, the electronic baby sitter, programs to help the brain form and learn fast. Understand emotions. My daughter love Daniel tiger.
OOOoops, rambling. I think I had too much to drink. Nite. Yeah, am going to try to stay off.
Tommy
July 12, 2024 at 1:08 am #434934Helcat
ParticipantHi Tommy
My son managed to erase my first reply to you while we were eating toast. 😂 Take two! 🎬
Thank you for your kind words and advice! There is a lot of truth there; I am a fan of the truth.
We don’t have help from anyone. That is why he is shy. More shy than other babies. I have been away from him for a couple of hours maximum, when I go to acupuncture. That is all. He does visit friends and family, as well as go to his classes. It is good to hear that being around the same people is helpful. We have one neighbour who has offered to babysit, but it is difficult because both my husband and I were severely abused as children. It is hard to trust.
That is a good idea to watch educational shows. We have only put on not so educational ones so far. We don’t do television very much anymore because of our son. I have a learning difficulty and my husband has neurodivergence in his family too. Research shows that screen use can make these things worse, so we have been limiting it.
I used to be a language teacher, so he is doing well on that front. I read, talk and sing to him. He knows the words boob, yum, mom and dad. He is very food motivated. 😂
I’m trying to teach him to play with others at the moment because it is his next milestone. We are practicing rolling a ball to each other and the game where is…?
I couldn’t agree more about teaching morality and good decision making. We are also saving for him, for when he is older.
I’m sorry to hear that your mother and sister passed away. You really have experienced so much loss. Your memories are very precious indeed.
I enjoy your rambling. Have a good night!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 19, 2024 at 11:48 am #435145Helcat
ParticipantTime for the weekly check in. How am I doing? We all came down with a bug after travelling. I’m very tired and having difficulty breathing. Hubby is on the rebound already and the boy never gets as ill as we do.
High anxiety still. I’m trying to have more fun though. I’ve been putting a lot of pressure on myself as a parent. I read that changing perspective can be helpful and encouraging autonomy in children is key to that. He is already a little person with his own wants and needs and will achieve things in his own time. Allowing him the freedom to be himself, gives me some freedom to step back mentally. The article also said that fun was essential. Hence trying to incorporate more fun.
I’ve been enjoying reading, watching Cobra Kai and playing a few minutes of Final Fantasy (literally only a few minutes because my boy keeps intervening).
I’m feeling more anxious about my body again, specifically my belly. It is something that I have always not enjoyed about myself. I’m glad that my belly helped me to have my son. It is pretty incredible being nature’s 3D printer. It kept him safe. And even though I put on weight during breastfeeding, eating helped me to take better care of my son because I was exhausted all of the time and it helped to keep my mood more even. Now that things are in a better place I can focus on trying to lose some weight.
July 19, 2024 at 12:02 pm #435147anita
ParticipantDear Helcat: I hope that you will feel better very soon! I am impressed by all that you shared over time about being a mother. Your son is fortunate to have you as his mother!
anita
July 19, 2024 at 2:30 pm #435152Helcat
ParticipantHi Anita
Thank you! That is very kind of you to say. I am very impressed by what you’ve shared too. I’m really happy for you and what you’ve achieved. ❤️
I think that there have just been a lot of changes for me. The things that I liked about myself have changed. It reminded me of a darker place, a place where I didn’t like myself. I guess I just have to find new things to like and perhaps now I’ve grown and perhaps I can learn to like myself without it being conditional? If that makes sense?
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 19, 2024 at 2:41 pm #435153anita
ParticipantDear helcat:
You are welcome and thank you for being kind, telling me that you are impressed with what I shared. It’s been a privileges to watch your growth, and I hope that you do learn to like yourself without being conditional. It makes sense to me, yes, because I too am in the process of liking myself more. It has already made a big difference to my quality of life!
anita
July 20, 2024 at 3:22 am #435160Helcat
Participant*Trigger warning*
I have been thinking more about this unconditional self-love. Since having a child I have been doing some inner child work. It is not hard for me to see that my child self was worthy of love and even my teen self was worthy of love.
With the abuse, if someone is treat like they are not worthy of love often enough they come to believe it. At a certain point, after being raped, I broke down.
I had been lying to myself to get by and feel safe in the world. I used to tell myself that my bio mum was the only bad one. Everyone else was safe and okay. But this was not true. I could not even trust my closest friend.
I was absolutely crippled by anxiety of the truth that danger is all around us and shut down. Shut myself away from the world. I was broken.
Society doesn’t think very much of broken people. It sees them as useless and worthless. But society is wrong.
Someone who has never experienced love needs love. Someone who is broken needs help to heal.
People with empathy see that circumstances don’t define a person’s worth. They see who they are beyond circumstances and all of the potential that they hold if they can overcome it.
A lot of people put too much stock in their circumstances and it becomes their identity.
I see now that it is a very old story that I tell myself. I am unlovable. I am broken. I don’t deserve love and am not worthy of it. A story that is only true while I believe it to be.
I was just like my son. A baby, a lot of hard work no doubt. But full of love, eager to learn, trying to make sense of the world, eager to live.
July 20, 2024 at 4:53 am #435161Helcat
ParticipantHi Anita
Thank you again for your kind words! I honestly teared up earlier. I’m glad that liking yourself more has made a big difference to your quality of life. You have worked really hard to heal from your trauma and are an awesome lady, you deserve all of the peace and the happiness in the world.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 20, 2024 at 11:47 am #435169anita
ParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome and thank you for your empathetic, kind words, much appreciated!
You articulated the truth so well in your post before last: “Society doesn’t think very much of broken people. It sees them as useless and worthless. But society is wrong“- I can’t think of a better way of saying it.
“it is a very old story that I tell myself. I am…“- you are lovable, you are whole, you deserve love, and you are worthy of it. You are full of love, eager to learn, trying to make sense of the world, and doing a very good job at it!
anita
July 21, 2024 at 1:42 am #435187Helcat
ParticipantHi Anita
Thank you so much! You made me tear up again 😊
I think that perhaps at our core we are all like this.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
July 21, 2024 at 9:27 am #435198anita
Participant❤️
July 28, 2024 at 5:42 am #435448Helcat
ParticipantHow am I doing?
There are ups and downs. There has been a lot going on. Today, I’m trying to catch up on my schoolwork.
There are times when my pain is really bad and it causes some really intense anxiety. I was feeling bad about my anxiety when I realised that for the past couple of years I have been going through a lot of stressful situations. No wonder my anxiety got worse. My poor nervous system was put through the wringer. It’s going to take some time for it to recover. And I am still dealing with the hormonal fallout of stopping breastfeeding. That can take up to 3 months to balance. I realised that I just get anxious about things that I care about. If I frame it like that. It is not so bad.
I’m glad that I didn’t end up like my mother. I feel like I’m coming out of the other side of the postpartum difficulties. My whole life I was terrified of becoming her. She told me over and over again that I was just like her. I was terrified of having children because she said that it made her become the way she was. I was terrified of being like her after having a baby.
I can understand the difficulties that she had better now. But we responded to them entirely differently. We are two different people. Perhaps if I hadn’t actively sought out to become different from her my whole life things would have been very different. I’m glad that I was able to treat my boy with nothing but love and care which is what he deserves. I think he’s happy and a teensy bit spoiled. Just in the right way.
He has toys that help him to practice standing now. The new challenges are that he cries when he does get what he wants and if I try and stop him from doing something that he wants that could hurt him sometimes he bites me. He’s after power cables. So far I just say no, drop it, leave it alone and good boy when he drops it and move him away and I either ignore or say no when he bites. He also tries to pull on the curtains. Anyway, advice is much appreciated.
I think that I might have to practice being more assertive. The dogs tend to test me. I am not as firm as my husband or sister.
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