Dear Helcat:

I hope that your pain and anxiety lessen and lessen and that your nervous system recovers!

“advice is much appreciated. I think that I might have to practice being more assertive“- I observed how very sensitive young children are to adults’ disapproval and anger. Therefore, if I was a mother, whenever I would need to assert myself with my child, I’d be careful about the expressions of anger in my face and voice. I would want to sound firm when I say No!, perhaps a tiny bit angry, for a few seconds, just enough to put some strength into my No!/ limit-setting, but not more than a bit and not for long.

anita

Dear Helcat:

You are welcome!

“Our son briefly cried when we playfully teased each other as a joke. Then we had to show him that we were just playing and joking and group hug“- just the right response to his distress, a group hug: excellent!

“I will do my best to work on the right level of firmness and be aware of feelings of anger around my son. I am usually not angry and if anything probably underselling the importance of me asking him not to do these things“- in  my lifetime experience, the way I perceived anger, was that anger is a bad emotion, dangerous and scary. Whenever I felt angry, I felt that there was something very wrong with me. I didn’t realize that it’s okay to feel angry, and that there is a positive usefulness to anger.

It is only recently that I feel (beyond understanding it intellectually) that anger is necessary for one’s mental health, that it’s as good of an emotion as any other emotion, and it needs to be expressed in appropriate ways. I suppose it’s about not overreacting to anger, on one hand, and not suppressing anger (underreacting to it), on the other hand.

is this little share useful to you?

anita

Dear Helcat: I would like to reply when I am back to the computer, in a few hours.

anita

❤️

Dear Helcat:

“To feel close to you, I need to know: You value me and our relationship, You’ll respond to me in moments where I reach out to you… You hold me in high esteem, You are willing to see and understand me, My feelings are valid to you, You respect me.. I can trust your love and loyalty, You can trust my love and loyalty“- very well articulated: this is true to me too.

“Growing up, I didn’t have those things. I realised that I literally never had a single person care for my emotional needs as a child“- I could have written this.

“97% of the time our relationship is good“- congratulations for 97%!

“Since having a baby some of the things that have been said during arguments have hurt. Only 3 times. But the pain lingers in that part of me.“- my little prayer: may we forgive ourselves and others whenever possible, wherever  appropriate. In this messy, chaotic world, may we focus on the positive and the orderly (the sane), and may we help each other be better and better people.

anita

Dear Helcat:

I like the title of the book, “Secure Love“- I think that this is what love is about: to cause the object of our love to feel secure in our love (as much as it is possible to do). To be worthy of our loved-one’s trust.

“We have both been through some very similar things. It’s crazy how two people (our mothers) can be so alike on different sides of the world from different cultures. It is a shame that we had those experiences. No child deserves that“- It is indeed a shame, and neither little girl anita, nor little girl Helcat, two vulnerable girls on different sides of the world, deserved it.

“I’m very tired and I need to pace myself with the exercises in that book. Bringing up my trauma hurts a lot… I hope that it can help to unpick, the past from the present and make the present less painful, so the past can stay in the past“- it’s a gentle process, no rushing it, as you know.

I haven’t been in contact with my mother for over 10 years (May 2013 was the last time I talked to her on the phone. On Jan 2014 I sent her a message through my sister). A few days ago, I heard a mention of her and that she (still) has big pictures of me on the wall in her apartment. At first I felt a tinge of emotion/ guilt, as in my loving mother has pictures of me on her wall, and I am depriving her from contact with me. But then I realized it’s a lie, that her presentation (on the wall) is a false presentation.

A huge, necessary part in my eventual success (to a large extent) in separating the past from the present, and leaving the past in the past, has been separating truth from lies: she claimed (still claims, I am guessing), to love me, but a person who loves does not terrorize, and repeatedly, the supposed object of their love: never to address what they did, never to express regret for what they did, never to repent for what they did, and do their best to correct and make amends.

* by terrorize, I mean, in my case: explicit and expanded-upon threats to kill herself, threats to kill me, actual beatings (hitting my face/ body with her hands, arms and legs), and explicit and expanded-upon verbal shaming, false accusations, and guilt-tripping, going on and on and on until she was exhausted (and then accsing me for … exhausting her).

“Sleep deprivation really is a form of torture“- there was a time when I slept less than I do now, staying up at night thinking, so much so that for the longest time I just got up and posted on tiny buddha in the very early hours of every day, giving up the efforts to sleep. I sleep much better now, in comparison. An attitude change that helped me was, that at one point, while lying awake, I decided to no longer try to or expect to sleep. Instead, I expected to rest (while awake).

Another thing that helps sometimes is that while awake, since I am thinking (and can’t not-think), I choose to think not about current happenings and people in my life, but about someone or something that has never has been part of my life.  it’s a more.. rest and sleep-compatible kind of thinking

“I managed to control my feelings and talk to my husband from a place of vulnerability, it went well.“- well done, Helcat!

anita