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anita.
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August 17, 2024 at 1:00 pm #436315
HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I agree, that is what love is about. 😊
I know what you mean about terror. I felt that too. You didn’t deserve any of those things. You deserved to feel safe, loved and happy. Instead what you got was a monster.
I’m sorry that you felt guilty. I think that just shows the kind of caring loving person you are.
I don’t think that your mother knew what love is, so for her to love you, sadly is impossible. You are doing the right thing. In cases like this, it is impossible to heal while dealing with the person who causes the damage. What matters isn’t her, but the harm she caused you. Forgiveness doesn’t mean getting back in contact, it means freedom for yourself.
I feel like people like that, hate themselves because of what they’ve done. At the same time they have caused so much harm it is incredibly painful them to address it. They cope by pretending it doesn’t exist. Until a moment of lucidity breaks through and they want to kill themselves again. They don’t have the strength to choose to change because change is hard, and choosing to change would subject them to a lot of pain. Thus not being able to express regret and being doomed to repeat their mistakes. I don’t know if you would agree?
I hope that I haven’t said anything that makes you feel bad? But if I did please let me know so I can apologise. Sometimes I don’t come across well.
I learned recently that my mother was an untreat paranoid schizophrenic. I always knew that she had a severe mental illness. As a teenager I was desperate to know what it was, feeling like it would explain what she did to me. Maybe even absolve her of it somehow. But learning her condition ultimately didn’t change anything.
It is good to hear that you are sleeping better now. Thank you for the advice!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 17, 2024 at 1:08 pm #436316
anitaParticipantDear Helcat: I will reply further tomorrow, but for now, in regard to: “I hope that I haven’t said anything that makes you feel bad?“- I wanted to let you know that no, you didn’t say anything that makes me feel bad; opposite is true. Thank you!
anita
August 18, 2024 at 7:39 am #436330anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
“I don’t think that your mother knew what love is, so for her to love you, sadly is impossible“- she knew what she valued. She valued people of a certain ethnicity, a certain look, a certain mannerism, a certain social class, etc., and treating them with admiration and flattery. I was none of those things she valued, so she didn’t value me. Think, if you will, of a Nazi guard in a concentration camp back in WW2, being a loving father perhaps to his own Aryan-race children, but having no problem mistreating the prisoners in the camp, seeing them as less than human, or not human at all.
As a matter of fact, early on, I referred to my mother (in my own mind) as “my private Nazi”, and to my childhood, as “my private holocaust”.
“What matters isn’t her… I feel like people like that, hate themselves… They cope by… They don’t have the strength… I don’t know if you would agree?“-
– like you said, what matters isn’t her, and therefore, I don’t want to talk about her emotional dynamics: whether she hates herself, how she copes, whether she has the strength, etc., because I wasted so much of my life focusing on her, trying to understand her. This focus was a big part of my sickness.
“I learned recently that my mother was an untreated paranoid schizophrenic. I always knew that she had a severe mental illness. As a teenager I was desperate to know what it was, feeling like it would explain what she did to me. Maybe even absolve her of it somehow. But learning her condition ultimately didn’t change anything“-
– trying to understand your mother (“to know what it was“, in the quote above).. didn’t change anything for you, did it?
“It is good to hear that you are sleeping better now. Thank you for the advice!“- you are welcome. I didn’t sleep well last night.
anita
August 18, 2024 at 8:58 am #436333HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I think that it’s really hard talking about these things. I cope with it by rationalising. It’s not always helpful. At times it might help me, other times not so much and it might not help other people.
It is hard to be vulnerable when talking about trauma. To be honest, it made me sad thinking about the way you were treat. You deserved so much more.
Her values are twisted. Kindness and love are what I value. You embody that. Your inherent value is known and recognised by everyone here.
That is honestly fair if you don’t want to talk about that. I’m sorry for bringing it up. Understanding and caring for Anita is infinitely more helpful. It makes sense that because you spent so much effort trying to care for her and understand her in the past, it is harmful for you to do that.
We are two different people, what helps one might not help the other. I spent a long time hating my mother for what she did, I thought that forgiving her was impossible. For me, understanding my mother helped me to forgive her for the horrible things she’d done, but didn’t excuse them, it just explained the situation. For a long time I felt the situation very personally. Like it was me particularly that made her behave in that way. Like I deserved it. That is what she said after all, I just believed her. Finally understanding that it wasn’t me, I was just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of her complicated nonsense in a way brought a measure of relief. The diagnosis ultimately told me nothing that I didn’t already know. I have been learning about the outcomes for children of people with this condition out of curiosity.
Knowing about the diagnosis when I was younger could have been harmful, because I might have been too understanding. If that makes sense? It feels like understanding is a delicate balance and it is important to retain empathy for ourselves first and foremost.
Protecting and caring for ourselves is the most important thing. Our first duty is towards taking care of ourselves because no one will do it for us.
I am sorry that you didn’t sleep well. I hope that you sleep better tonight. I hope that you do something really nice and special for yourself. You 100% deserve that.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 19, 2024 at 1:30 pm #436380anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
Thank you for this magnificent reply: intelligent, insightful, honest, humble, empathetic and kind!
“it’s really hard talking about these things“- yes, it is. This is why if talked about, it needs to be done gently.
“It is hard to be vulnerable when talking about trauma“- I feel that it can be done (being vulnerable) only when trust is there: trust not in the person in front of us- or on the other side of the computer screen- being perfect, but trust in the person being a good-enough, faults and all.
“Her values are twisted“- yes.
“Kindness and love are what I value. You embody that. Your inherent value is known and recognised by everyone here“- this is the nicest thing I read/ heard all day 😇😊, warms my heart, thank you!
“We are two different people, what helps one might not help the other“- true. I need to remember this principle in regard to all the people I communicate with, online and irl.
“For a long time I felt the situation very personally. Like it was me particularly that made her behave in that way. Like I deserved it. That is what she said after all, I just believed her“- 100% true to me.
“Finally understanding that it wasn’t me, I was just an innocent bystander caught in the crossfire of her complicated nonsense“- same here, FINALLY.
“Knowing about the diagnosis when I was younger could have been harmful, because I might have been too understanding. If that makes sense?“- it makes sense to me in regard to my decades-long personal experience with my mother: I was too understanding, had too much empathy for her.
What happens to a young deer facing a hungry mountain lion and feeling empathy for the mountain lion (thinking something like: poor mountain lion, he is so hungry.. I can’t run away and deprive him from food!)?
“it is important to retain empathy for ourselves first and foremost. Protecting and caring for ourselves is the most important thing. Our first duty is towards taking care of ourselves“- agreed.
Love and best wishes back to you❤️!
anita
August 21, 2024 at 4:37 am #436430HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m sorry for the delay in replying. Yesterday was a rough day for me.
Thank you for your kindness!
I don’t really know how I feel about trust and these things. It is a complicated subject. Sometimes hormones are the difference maker for me right now and sleep.
I’m glad to have hopefully made you smile. 😊
It is hard to find the right words sometimes. It is unfortunate that these things happen in the world. I’m glad that you are finally finding peace from it. You deserve it!
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 21, 2024 at 12:17 pm #436453anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
It’s okay, the delay in responding, and you are very welcome! I am sorry you had a rough day and I hope that hormones and sleep improve greatly for you! Thank you for your kindness and support!😊
anita
August 21, 2024 at 11:48 pm #436485HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Thanks, I’m already starting to feel better. I started a low dose of an antidepressant, it seems to be helping. It has been difficult having a child because some of the things I used to do to self-regulate I don’t really have time to do. It will get easier as he gets older.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 22, 2024 at 10:06 am #436498anitaParticipantHi Helcat:
(I thought I’d try a Hi instead of Dear, for a change 🙃). I am glad that you are feeling better and that the anti-depressant is doing its job!
anita
August 22, 2024 at 7:41 pm #436512HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Bless your soul! Thank you. How are you doing?
I think I realized what has been bothering me. I’m finding the difference between how the relationship used to be before the baby and how the relationship is now hard. My husband and I used to be very close but now we just put all of our energy into the baby. It is hard with his work during the week and my studying at the weekend.
It is hard to maybe only have one hug a day and spend our evenings quietly watching tv. He shows that he cares in other ways by helping out and cooking. We are usually intimate once a week, but it has been a busy month. I don’t really know what to talk about these days because my life feels like it is just the baby. The longest interactions we have now are disagreements. Sometimes it feels like they are just longer so we have an excuse to spend time on each other. We need to figure out a healthier way.
I think that we are just finding having a baby hard and having difficulty adjusting especially since we don’t have any support. I miss my husband, even though he is right here. I love him a lot, but I feel lonely. He is my best friend and it feels like we have drifted apart. That hurts.
The baby is doing well by the way and spoiled. He is just going through teething and a sleep disturbance phase.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 22, 2024 at 9:02 pm #436522anitaParticipantDear Helcat:
You are welcome! “How are you doing?” I am fine (my always correct answer is: I’m doing better than some, not as good as others), thank you for asking.
“I miss my husband, even though he is right here. I love him a lot, but I feel lonely. He is my best friend and it feels like we have drifted apart. That hurts“- I am touched, moved by this honest, raw expression of how you feel.
What if you put this in a poem for your husband to read? It may touch him through a poem. Doesn’t need to be a fancy poem (not for a Buddhist!), just simple, straight from the heart?
anita
August 23, 2024 at 2:33 pm #436547HelcatParticipantHi Anita
I’m glad to hear that you’re fine. It is hard to know how fine is fine when in the grand scheme of things everyone is doing better or worse than someone. I shall take your word for it! 😊
I took your advice and wrote him a poem. He said he loved it. It was nice writing and remembering all of the good times we had.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 23, 2024 at 9:16 pm #436552anitaParticipantHi Helcat:
“I took your advice and wrote him a poem“- this is the first time that anyone took my advice, or has let me know that he/ she took my advice!
“He said he loved it“- so glad to read this. Thank you for letting me know: it is kind of you!
May the love between you and your husband get stronger and stronger. ❤️
anita
August 23, 2024 at 10:55 pm #436555HelcatParticipantHi Anita
Bless your soul! You’ll enjoy this next part then. I took your advice and stopped seeing my adopted mother.
I was clearly not wanted, so I just stopped trying and putting in effort.
Thank you for your kind words! Beautifully written once again. I’m sure that in time having a family will only bring us closer together. Our relationship being on the backburner for so long, is probably due to struggling to take care of a baby and our other responsibilities. It feels like we have been focused on solving problems.
Perhaps it is a good thing that this is coming up. Maybe it means that everything else has settled down and we can start to focus on each other and enjoying things a bit more.
Even the teething and sleep disturbances are not as bad, because I know what to do now.
Working on quality of relationship and quality of life is important now that we have the basics down.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
August 24, 2024 at 5:42 am #436559anitaParticipantHi Helcat:
You are welcome, and thank you for your continued kindness, much appreciated! Congratulations for doing what’s right for you in regard to your adopted mother.
I hope that you and your husband start focusing on each other, on having quality and fun times together. I think that the two of you are fortunate to have each other, and that your son is fortunate to have you as his parents.
And we are fortunate to have you here on tiny buddha!
anita
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