Hi Jack,

He gets to yell and call names but you don’t get to not be around that? You can theoretically turn that around and say that he is trying to control you by keeping you in an environment you don’t want to be in.

Relationships work both ways. You’re not asking for much. You’re simply asking (telling) him that you won’t be around him when he loses his temper.

Tell him that it’s not working. That you are taking a break. Or tell him, yes, you are “controlling” him ~ that he needs to go to Anger Management ~ or the wedding’s off!

Good Luck,

Inky

Big red flag here.  Does he get angry, aggressive and lose his temper with all people or just a select few?  If it is under control with some and not others then he is choosing this behaviour, which is about dominance and control.  You are modifying  your behaviour to try to prevent his bad behaviour and are now walking on eggshells through fear of provoking the outbursts.  You are no longer being yourself which will not be good for you in the long term.  In a healthy relationship you should feel free to be yourself without fear of the consequences and that is no longer the case.  You have tried to be reason with him and he accuses you of being controlling.  Everything points towards disrespect and an unbalanced relationship.  I wish you well but fear for your mental health.

Anita is stealing all my points before I get a chance to say them, it’s annoying xD

Well.. seeing you’re here asking what to do.. kinda means something is seriously wrong..

For one if he truly loved and cared about you he wouldn’t make you feel guilty and like you’re a terrible person. Like do you need to go on an online forum to figure out that someone who calls you a “bitch” and “doesn’t think he should change that” isn’t a big red flag?

On the other hand I also feel you’re really lucky as you actually haven’t married him yet and aren’t bound to him by means of a child. Meaning you still have time to think it through and walk away (which you should do by the way), which as Anita said would be best.

In short, he will continue to yell, and he will continue to find it annoying that you confront him with it, and it will only make him more annoyed at you. And it’ll either break you or it’ll become more and more heated (or both).

Now for your questions.

“If you love someone, aren’t you supposed to accept everything about them?” So let’s say you fall in love with your high school crush and he is a TOTAL douchebag and jerk, is it the right thing then to put up with it? Is that what you’re asking?

Someone who loves you wouldn’t want you to feel that way, when I someone I care about is feeling bad I just worry and when EYE was the one who caused them to feel bad I just feel ever so bad. And in the time I get mad I’ll always (at the time I’m being mad) try to contain my madness, cause you’ll only do harm. And I’ll ALWAYS apologize afterwards. Has your “wonderful man” ever apologized to you?

I mean I was reading what you wrote and was like “there are red flags all over this article”, then I got to the part where you said he “doesn’t think he should change” and I’m like “yea that’s someone you gotta ditch”. Like I can see that if you love someone it could be hard to let them go but really, you kind of have to face it he’s not so great.. and he’s going to treat your children exactly the same when he grows up, trust me I talk from experience.

“Where is the line here? How much can I really ask of him?” Well, clearly you don’t have any way out, it’s like whatever you do he’s always accuses, not matter which approach you take. And “how much can you really ask of him” uh… the minimum? The least someone could do if you’re together with someone is not make them guilt trip about themselves, I mean is that really care, is that really what want?

I’m sorry for overdoing it, this post really worked up my anger (sorta ironic lmao) xD so I’m sorry if I was hard on you. But seriously, I know you love him but if he doesn’t change for you (and believe me it’s the least he could do) then it kinda shows that he doesn’t really care about you. Like he might care to some extent, but sure as hell FAR FROM 100% >.> Oh and by all means Do NOT tell him to take an anger management class in a heated situation like I’ve seen up above here. Bring it up when he’s calm or not at all, telling him to take an anger management class won’t make him take it, it will only make him more pissed at you.

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Quinn Martin. Reason: Found something that might be misinterpreted :)

If I may…. And calling you darling because that is loving and kind. If you are in this situation at all and actually do not FEEL the in appropriateness of the behaviors, darling is the way to address you, as you have yet to appreciate how love is… What it  is.  darling, it’s to uplift…. To inspire…. To adore… To encourage.  To also have these qualities and have them reflect back.  To be called and felt darling… To have the intimacy of heart melt … That on one’s spiritual and emotional growth through life… May these unfold as lotus blossoms… Is there room for abuse or disrespect?  Can you see now the incongruity between real love and what you would accept as a substitute? Can you trust your own higher wisdom and soul to lead you to an opportunity to give and receive love in the sacred space of vulnerability… Of openness.. Integrity????  One who possesses dignity and honor knows to rush to apology when harming a loved one… Would not even think to yell! darling, if I would never dream of yelling at you- and I do not yell at any living creature, having suffered all forms of violence in life… I who never met you, if I would not dream of yelling at you, why would it be remotely possible for any other to yell at you other than you do not feel worthy of better…. You will die before changing another. Worse…. In the process, you ce come a doormat.  I know. Been there done that. I tell you that you can trust your wisdom and insight…. That you can seek the assistance of the aspects of self which have gone down the path of life in realms of light… And you will know the wise choice instantly.  It may seem impossibly sad… It may seem compelling to cling to the life raft of the familiar, darling. The familiar being to accept what you already know.  Do not go down the easy path by default. It is the path of inner death.  Trust the light of love and compassion, which would rather die than ever hurt a living creature. Deep love awaits you. Be patient and trust… Because all love is within…. All the love you can ever have.  Do not let an outer seeking for partnership cause the degradation of the. Soul journey to greater authenticity, gentleness, opening, sharing, and light. I suffocated most of my life going in circles because I did not heed the warnings of others … May you just go for radiance within and you shall find it outside … And shall not be too entangled with marriage and kids to enjoy the experience of sharing the fullest and healthiest measure of true, respecting love.  Every blessing to you, Love. Sorry this ipad puts periods everywhere and I can’t edit easily.