Yer Killin Me

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    Let me start this by saying that yer *not* killing me (the title is a song that I like by Remo Drive). If you look up the lyrics you’ll see that the lead singer is probably referring to a relationship that isn’t going well. My relationship that isn’t going well is the one with myself. My brain feels like it’s split between being anxious and depressed with just a little sliver of normalcy between the two. When I’m not anxious, I’m depressed, and there’s only a short amount of time that I actually feel normal.

    I’m currently in college studying a major that I don’t like and I’m expected to want to go to class. I haven’t been to class in two weeks. But then there’s the anxious little voice in my head saying that my parents spent all this money for me to go to school. And then since I’m anxious I go out drinking with my girl friends and over drink every time. I end up throwing up somewhere and calling my boyfriend (who goes to school with me but doesn’t go out drinking that much). And I’ll cry to him about how I hate my life and how I can’t take it anymore. We’ll talk about it the next day when I’m not plastered and he’ll tell me how much it upsets him to see me like this. And then that just makes me depressed for getting so drunk and dumping all my mental issues on him when he really can’t do much about it but listen on the phone to my blabbering drunk mouth.

    The only reason why I feel so bad is because it’s really late when I call him and I’ve done this multiple times in the past couple weeks. I tell him not to pick up so that I can talk like an actual adult about my mental health issues in the morning. We have a very healthy relationship and I want to tell him everything but I’m having a hard time admitting that I’ve been slightly suicidal since middle school. I always know how to change those thoughts into positive ones but lately it just feels like I’m either having a panic attack or stuck it a mental ditch with my depression.

    Any advice on how to talk to him about this would be greatly appreciated. (I’ve been to counseling and currently do not take medication for the anxiety or depression. I stopped going to counseling because that started to make me anxious)


    Dear bedofroses:

    “My brain feels like it’s a split between being anxious and depressed.. When I’m not anxious, I’m depressed… I’m either having a panic attack or stuck in a mental ditch with my depression”-

    – Anxiety and depression are not two separate issues, they are very connected: when anxious, the brain is overly excited, and not in a fun way. The brain/ body cannot endure too much excitement for too long, so it shuts down and switches into depression. Depression is a kind of a rest for the brain, resting from too much excitation.

    You asked for advice on how to talk to your boyfriend- my advice:

    1. Do not call him  late at night anymore. Instead, call him when he is awake and available so  to not interrupt his sleep or studies.

    2. Do not call him when you are drunk anymore. It may be that part of the fun of being drunk for you is calling him (we do tend to like hearing ourselves talk when buzzed or drunk). Better cut off that part of the fun.

    3. Share with him your anxiety and depression in a responsible way: not repeating yourself, not going on and on and on, not crying a whole lot, and not blaming him for making you feel  bad or for not making you feel better. State how you feel with the appropriate facial expression that goes with how you feel, a tear here or there, a few, voice shaking, fine, but keep it relatively short. This way you express yourself without burdening him with over-expressing and/or blaming.

    – If you want to share about the earliest time you remember yourself feeling anxious/ depressed, please do (and who is the “yer” in “yer killing me”, for you, in your life)?


    • This reply was modified 8 months, 1 week ago by anita.

    Hello Bedofroses,

    I personally don’t think that you should be continuing with studies that you are not enjoying.  If your studies are making you anxious, then you should be talking to your parents about this.  Is it possible for you to switch to a course that you would enjoy?  Drinking does not and will not solve your problems.  What have you done with the two weeks when you were not attending your studies?

    Ultimately, your life is your responsibility.  What is it that you hate so much?  What can’t you take any more?  This is very dramatic language.  Break this down into tiny little bite sized chunks then you’ll know what part of your life you want to change and you can begin to create a life that you do like and that you can take.  What are the things that you value in your life?  What are you grateful for?  How much do you like yourself?

    Give some serious thought to these last three questions.



    Dear bedofroses,

    What is it about negative emotions that scares you so much? From the time of your adolescent, it seems that you don’t like the fact that you have negative emotions therefore try really hard to “turn that frown upside down” by changing your thoughts to positive ones. But that was merely an illusion you’ve created for yourself. The illusion of positive thoughts is that you aren’t feeling depressed; yet because it is an illusion, those negative emotions won’t go away. Those negative emotions will merely be stuffed into a chest until you can’t work your magic and create another illusion. And now it seems that the chest has no more room to stuff those negativity anymore. So now you’ve turned to drinking to try to help you numb those feelings, but those feelings doesn’t go away, does it? Rather, it feels all the more helpless.

    Your boyfriend sound like a lovely person, but the issue here isn’t how to talk to your boyfriend. The issue here is how you talk to yourself. What kind of things are you telling yourself? What kind of things are you allowing yourself to feel or not feel? Where does that need to hide your depression and negativity come from? Why can’t you be depressed? Why must you be happy all the time?

    Start from there. Ruminate on these questions. Think about why you have to hide this or that. And remember, this is about your health.

    Good luck.


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