Your breakup\divorce can be the best thing happened to you

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This topic has 15 replies, 7 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 9 months ago by Brav3.

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January 17, 2017 at 5:46 pm #125598

Brav3
Participant

Hello beautiful people,

So, I thought I should write something for people going through breakup\ divorce. I read all these titles of people that kinda reminds me of myself.

A year ago I went through a devastating breakup where I struggled with many things and couldn’t see the end of tunnel. Almost a year later, on NYE, I was kissing a beautiful Scandinavian girl, while watching fireworks and drinking champagne with vikings. I asked myself this question so many times, how did this happen, from so down to living a dream. The answer has been very clear to me I worked through my breakup. I worked on myself and the issues that I try to hide under a relationship rug.

So, here’s the thing to understand. You can make this breakup the best thing for you or you can continue to stay stuck in rut and tell world how shit is your life. The choice is in your hands. I am not denying the fact that breakup are quite painful, but are they really that bad? Just try to see the difference between painful and bad.

I am not going to go in details as I want to keep simple and straight for people to understand. Here are the things I did after breakup that made me who I am today

1. Acceptance that I can’t control how people feel
2. Let go my need to seek approval for others
3. Improved my self esteem by accepting my flaws fully as it is.
4. Became more genuine and authentic to people by being open and vulnerable
5. Let go of those people who weren’t genuine
6. Learned to enjoy loneliness as my best friend
7. Didn’t seek any relationship
8. Didn’t seek new friendships unless people were genuine and kind
9. Looked after myself and loved myself honestly, even those things that are not good in me
10. Stopped worrying about future ( I am getting old blah blah)
11. Stopped getting carried away from emotions from past event ( anger etc.). I just let them be.
12. Didn’t seek anything to numb my pain ( no drugs, no alcohol and no hook ups)
13. Working on forgiving my ex ( still a work in progress)
14. Understood that being single is as good as being in relationship with someone. No status is better or worse.
15. Stopped making my present as my jail but embraced it.

And here I am, free. That’s the only word that can describe myself. I am free ! Things aren’t bothering me now. Its just feels awesome. Happy to write more if you’d like to know.

This is for Anita – I had a great time in Scandinavia and I am planning to return in summer.

Hope you can find your path to

Cheers
Brav3

January 17, 2017 at 6:24 pm #125602

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brav3:

Welcome back from Scandinavia! Brav3 kissing a Scandinavian girl at midnight, NYE while watching fireworks and drinking champagne with Vikings! I couldn’t have phrased it better even if such a thing did happen to me!

What a delightful post, your thinking, always exceptionally organized, insightful and intelligent, is …still all those things. The points you listed are excellent! Hope more and more people read those, print them and place them in clear sight-

Planning to go back this summer- heard it is beautiful there in the summer.

anita

January 17, 2017 at 10:22 pm #125618

Brav3
Participant

Dear Anita,

Its always a pleasure to read your comment.

Yes, I had a great time and my 2016 ended with big bang. I am so happy that I went through that, it was hard but I am where I am because of it. Breakup do make people wiser.

Thank you for your comment.

Cheers
Brav3

January 18, 2017 at 12:44 pm #125658

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Brav3:

Thank you. And you are welcome. I still wish more readers will come across your thread above, and the older one that you bumped up. So I am… getting this one to the front.

anita

January 18, 2017 at 8:18 pm #125675

janet
Participant

Great post. Thanks. I need this one

January 18, 2017 at 9:09 pm #125677

Brav3
Participant

Thanks Anita

January 18, 2017 at 9:10 pm #125678

Brav3
Participant

Hope its helping you Janet.

Good luck

January 19, 2017 at 10:31 pm #125759

Gratefulheart
Participant

Great post Brav3.Happy for you.

January 23, 2017 at 7:27 pm #126014

Brav3
Participant

Thanks priyaharidas. Cheers.

February 3, 2017 at 8:09 am #126644

Hopeful
Participant

Hi there, I’m new to this site and what a blessing to have come upon it. I appreciate you sharing from your heart walking through the ups and downs of divorce, and there is a positive outcome. I hope all is going well with you and you are empowered by all of the words and wisdom shared on the tiny buddha website. I know too well the roller coaster of a divorce. Although divorced for 11 years I am still in court dealing with my ex, I divorced him and can’t let things go, is attempting to have me arrested for contempt, has posted an article in the newspaper on me as a smear campaign, and haven’t seen my five grown adult daughters in the 11 years. Am I discouraged, no, for I am determined. I have made it this far, gratitude list everyday and count my blessings each and every day. This too shall pass, when we come out of the storm gifts await us and life’s lessons are a teaching tool. I have no anger, will not give up on hope and know if I don’t take care of myself no one else will. Tomorrow is not a guarantee and having a website such as this is hope, and encouragement to embrace the positive and good in things.

February 3, 2017 at 10:05 pm #126685
TriangleSun
Participant
There is a saying that goes “We’re not what we think we are. We’re not what others think we are. We are what we think others think we are.” We find our identity in relationships with other people. That’s why people tend to be different with friends versus family. When we fall in love with someone we inadvertently identify ourselves in the eyes of others. When those relationships end our identity dissolves and we become lost. This is why breakups are so painful. So no matter how many times you will be reminding yourself of these things while you’re happy and with someone, you will be in the same pain if you were to breakup again. Unfortunately, that’s human nature. If there is anything i can suggest it is to not put all of your eggs in the same basket. Diversify yourself. You are all you have, so cherish the time alone with yourself. Invest in yourself and your character, so your identity remains when the other person may not. 🙂
- This reply was modified 7 years, 10 months ago by TriangleSun.
February 5, 2017 at 4:04 pm #126808

Brav3
Participant

Hi Hopeful2017,

Thank you for sharing from heart. I am inspired by your determination to continue to see good in your life even in midst of all big problems. Yes, after the storm there is a rainbow waiting for us. And the timeless words ” This too shall pass” gives us the hope that there is an end to all of this.

I continue to see ups and downs even after writing my original post. Like my ex comes up to me say final goodbyes but with patronizing tone, my job is still an issue and I don’t know if I ever see that Scandinavian girl again or my future with her.

However, this time I am keeping myself grounded into the reality. Accepting the painful thoughts, feelings and memories, neither running from them nor acting on them. Something very hard to do and requires alot of practice. So yeah, some days I do fall into it but then I also get back up. My time to get back up is slightly become shorter. Only slightly.

I am hoping with time and practice, I can see the reality of life clearly without getting fully caught with delusions of my mind.

Brav3

February 5, 2017 at 4:48 pm #126838

Brav3
Participant

Hi TriangleSun,

Yes, I do agree to what you were saying here about identity loss. It was a big for me, losing my identity basically overnight. However, I disagree that with every happy relationship breaking up, there will be the same pain. Yes, there will be pain, hurt and sadness for sure but it won’t be every time same if you continue to work towards seeing the reality.

What is reality? That ‘Now is not forever’. Everything and everyone that you love will become otherwise one day. Intellectually we all understand that things change and we all will die etc. etc. But emotionally we fall in love and believe now it is forever. We get scared with thoughts of our loved one leaving us (my case) or if they get sick or if they die. We quickly runaway from these thoughts because we emotionally do not want to see this. Because we have such a close connection to someone
we think it is too depressing to think like that. However, the reality is that our loved ones can leave us one day, get sick or die without any reason. And when that happens we are devastated. Why? Because emotionally we believe it shouldn’t and it wouldn’t happen.

When I was living with my ex in a loving 2.5 years of relationship, I believed 110 % it is forever. I kid you not, I was ready to do whatever it takes to make her happy. When she decided to leave me because she find someone better, I couldn’t understand how that is even possible, it didn’t make any sense. I was shocked for a long time. I still feel some of those feeling after 1 year of that event. It was very painful but I made it from ‘very painful’ to ‘devastating,traumatic and full of guilt, that I wasn’t good enough’.

If I was more in touch with reality that these events are totally out of control, that these things happens, that my actions and reactions to this will reduce my suffering. I would have healed far quickly and get back up on the horse of life much quicker.
And I think now I am getting better 🙂 Its still work in progress.

I couldn’t agree more on what you wrote about diversify yourself. Yes, learn to live alone even if you are in relationship, do things alone sometimes, seeks solitude and invest in yourself. But do not believe that if you do all this then ending of a loving relationship wouldn’t be painful. It will hurt but you can reduce your suffering and not get destroyed by it.

Thanks for your thoughts
Brav3

February 6, 2017 at 6:24 pm #126911

Hopeful
Participant

I find it inspirational that in reading many of the feelings expressed by many we are not alone. Yes, any kind of a breakup is painful but with determination and daily walks of disciplining ourselves there is goodness at the end of the tunnel. Each and every day is a gift and we are all valued. When we stop listening to the negativity of others, decide when you begin a new day there is so much to be grateful for. When we make a decision to turn the negative into positive, practice the words and wisdom of the tiny budda you will see a difference. We can feel and be defeated or we can take those baby steps daily towards a sense of peace and being content. I know too well of wanting to give up but I will not because I am making a choice the live, in gratitude and make a difference. Those that point a finger at you are pointing a finger right back at themselves because they are insecure and unhappy. Every day is a work in progress and when I get up the next day I say thank you, choosing to empower myself to be a better person. Blessings.

February 18, 2017 at 9:39 pm #128279

JY_Lin
Participant

Dear Brav3

I saw your positive post and I wanted to change myself. I want to learn how to love myself more, learn how to be my own best friend and be ok and happy alone with myself. I want to be a better person.

Please share with me more. I have read the article “5 reasons why man break up with woman they love” and the reasons were spotted on. I realize the way I love was giving him stress and unhappiness and that why he broke up with me.

Please help. I sincerely wanted to change to a better lover.
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