Hello Alice,

I have several toxic relationships in my history. I don’t really care to go into details, because it is in the past for me now and the circumstances actually do not matter that much. Also, I think I have forgiven it all, so I’ve pretty much also forgotten it all as well 🙂

There are two things that I learned at different points, which made all the difference and made forgiveness rather easy for me:

1) How I got treated wasn’t really even about me. It could’ve been someone else in my position, and they would’ve gotten the same treatment. Sure, the hurtful comments are always personal, as otherwise they wouldn’t be hurtful, but the reason behind the comments wasn’t me, but the other person’s inability to handle their own pain and hurt. Mind you, I’ve said and done many hurtful things as well, and I do know that it was always my own pain coming out. It was a cry for help. That said, it’s not an excuse, and we are all responsible for our actions and it is our responsibility to choose to start healing instead of continuing to destroy ourselves and those around us. Which brings me to the second realization…

2) Toxic relationships require two people with unhealthy or twisted views of relationships. There’s no reason to hold onto shame and guilt, but to be brutally honest with oneself and understand where the mate selection went wrong. It is really hard to be honest and accept one’s own part in the whole mess, especially if you’ve taken on the role of the understanding victim. Sometimes I think that it’s even more difficult to realize that you actually need healing if you’re the person who works in more passive ways. Other people will give you understanding and support you, and so there is no reason to face the fact that those relationships skills aren’t good either. So the person moves on from one failed relationship to another, completely baffled as to why they deserve such treatment and if they are in fact cursed or unworthy.

I do need to point out that my view is based on the sort of society where we’re all free to choose who we want to be with. Also, the way we view relationships does have it’s roots in our childhood and our experiences. Each and every narcissist and sociopath I know has a history of domestic violence or cold and unloving parents. That can not be healed in the context of a romantic relationship. You can’t fix other people, but you can choose to fix and heal yourself, if you are lucky enough to realize that you need healing.

I know my response isn’t terribly warm or empathic, but it did help me a lot to have a more neutral and emotionally untangled view of my own past. It’s good to allow oneself to feel all the feelings as well, but I do think it’s better to draw conclusions based on a more neutral view, and not create a narrative for yourself when you are feeling scared and wounded. Just get it all out and feel it all, and only start the analysis after you’ve calmed down.

I strongly urge you to look into the symptoms of codependency and first tend to yourself, not him. Here’s one list: http://psychcentral.com/lib/symptoms-of-codependency/00011992

Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.

Your relationship with this person is a romantic one, not a patient-therapist one. I know that it’s a horrible feeling to see others suffer, but as long as you do not take care of yourself first, you’ll do more harm than good by attempting to solve his problems for him.

The Ruminant, I wish there were a way to star your post. You describe the two life/relationship lessons with so much wisdom and depth. Thank you

Hi Alice,

I think I can share something relevant to help. But, first, I agree that Ruminant gets stars for providing the information about codependency. *****

Ok (knuckle crack):

– My parents had major issues and I was a fixer of problems. Empathy. Hope.
– After they passed away, I went through my mid-life crisis. Opposite of peace.
– In hindsight, I ended up finding surrogates for them – people with similar major issues. Yeah, eek. Hope. Empathy.
– In each case, it took me months or years to realize what was happening. I ended the personal or professional relationships. Aha moments.
– Now I know my tendency. Some peace.
– I’m not in any personal or professional relationships like those. Although I recently had a close call. More peace.
– I’m focusing on my personal growth. Peace. Empathy. Hope.

Does this help?

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