“If you are patient in one moment of anger, you will escape a hundred days of sorrow.” ~Chinese proverb
As Tiny Buddha grows larger, I find there are a lot more people emailing me with requests. The people-pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.
Recently someone contacted me with a request that I was unable to honor. After I communicated that, he made a sweeping judgment about my intentions and character, ending his email with “Buddha would be appalled.”
As ironic as this may sound given the context of this site, I felt angry.
I felt angry because I have always struggled with saying no, and this was exactly the type of uncomfortable encounter I generally aim to avoid.
I felt angry because I felt misunderstood and judged, and I wanted him to realize that he was wrong about me.
I felt angry because I assumed he intended to be hurtful, and I didn’t feel like I deserved that.
I ended up responding to his email fairly quickly with a little bit of defensiveness, albeit with restraint. After I pressed send, I felt a little angry with myself for letting this bother me. Then I realized that this was a wonderful exercise in learning to deal with anger.
It’s inevitable that I’ll feel that way again—and many times, with people I know well and love. We all will. We’ll all have lots of misunderstandings and annoyances, and lots of opportunities to practice responding to anger calmly and productively.
If we’re mindful, we can use these situations to better ourselves and our relationships.
With this in mind, I put together this guide to dealing with anger:
SIT WITH YOUR ANGER
1. Allow yourself to feel angry.
You may think you need to cover “negative feelings” with positive ones. You don’t. You’re entitled to feel whatever you need to feel. We all are.
2. Make a conscious choice to sit with the feeling.
Oftentimes when I’m angry I feel the need to act on it, but later I generally wish I’d waited. Decide that you’re not going to do anything until the feeling has less of a grip on you.
3. Feel the anger in your body.
Is your neck tense? Is your chest burning? Is your throat tightening? Are your legs twitching? Recognize the sensations in your body and breathe into those areas to clear the blockages that are keeping you feeling stuck.
4. See this as an exercise in self-soothing.
You can get yourself all revved-up, stewing in righteousness and mentally rehashing all the ways you were wronged. Or you can talk yourself down from bitter rage into a place of inner calm. In the end, we’re the only ones responsible for our mental states, so this is a great opportunity to practice emotional regulation.
5. Commit to acting without seeking retribution.
Decide that you’re not looking to get even or regain a sense of power. You’re looking to address the situation and communicate your thoughts about it clearly.
EXPLORE YOUR ANGER
6. Check in with your mood before the incident.
Were you having a bad day already? Were you already feeling annoyed or irritated? It could be that someone’s actions were the straw that broke the camel’s back but not fully responsible for creating these feelings.
7. Ask yourself: Why is this bothering you so much?
Is it really what someone else did, or are you feeling angry because of what you’re interpreting their actions to mean? (For example, you may think that your boyfriend not showing up means that he doesn’t respect you, when he may have a valid explanation).
8. Take a projection inventory.
If you’re angry with someone for doing something that you’ve done many times before, your feelings may be magnified by seeing a behavior of your own that you’re not proud of. Look for all areas where you may be projecting your own traits onto someone else to get closer to root of your feelings.
9. Journal about it.
Grab your pen and walk yourself through it step by step. What did the other person do? Are you assuming negative intentions on their part? Have they done this before? How do you feel besides angry—do you feel insecure, frustrated, or confused? Get it all out.
10. Put it in a letter.
Now that you know more clearly what part the other person played in your anger and which part is more about you, write a letter to him or her. You may send this letter, or you might end up just burning it. This is to help you clarify what exactly you’d like that person to know, understand, or change.
RESPOND WITHOUT ANGER
11. Now that you’re clear about the role you played in your anger, initiate a verbal conversation about what bothered you.
You could also send the letter you wrote, but it will be easier to clarify parts the other person doesn’t understand if you’re having a direct back-and-forth exchange.
12. Use “I feel” language.
So instead of saying, “You didn’t show up, so you obviously don’t care about me,” say, “When you forget about the things that are important to me, I feel hurt.” In this way, you’re not assuming the other person meant to make you feel bad—you’re just explaining how it makes you feel so they can understand how their actions impact you.
13. Resist the urge to unload all your unspoken grievances.
Sometimes one annoyance can open the floodgates to a laundry list of complaints—but no one responds well to a barrage of criticism. Stick to the issue at hand, and address the other things at some other time.
14. Stay open to the other person’s perspective.
It’s possible that they feel angry, too, and think that you’re the one in the wrong. It’s also possible that there isn’t a right or wrong, but rather two people who see things differently and need to see each other’s point of view.
15. Focus on creating a solution.
If your goal is to get the other person to admit that they’re wrong, you’ll probably end up in a power struggle. Focus instead on what you’d like to change in the future—for example, you’d appreciate it if your friend would come straight to you next time instead of complaining about you behind your back. You can help facilitate this by owning some responsibility—that you will listen if they come to you instead of getting emotional.
LEARN FROM YOUR ANGER
16. Learn what you value.
This situation taught you something useful about what you value in the people you choose to be friends with—maybe directness, humility, or loyalty. This will help you decide which people you might want to spend more or less time with going forward.
17. Learn what you need.
It might be something you need to improve your relationship, or it might be that you need to end a relationship because you know it doesn’t serve you. Learn it, own it, act on it.
18. Learn how to communicate clearly.
This experience was an exercise in expressing yourself in the best way to be heard and understood. There will definitely be more situations like this in the future, so this is good practice for misunderstandings and struggles to come.
19. Learn how you can improve your response to anger going forward.
Maybe you reacted too quickly, so now you’ve learned to put more space between your feelings and your response. Maybe you got defensive, and the other person shut down, so you’ve learned to be less accusatory in the future.
20. Learn what you’ll do differently in the future.
You probably realized somewhere along this journey that you played some role in the situation. Very rarely is it black and white. Once you own your part, now you can use that knowledge to create more peaceful relationships going forward.
And lastly, forgive. As I wrote in my post about forgiveness, very few of us get to the ends of our lives and say, “I wish I stayed angry longer.” We generally say one of the following:
I love you. I forgive you. I’m sorry.
If that’s likely what you’ll feel when you realize time is running out, why not express it now, while you can still enjoy the peace it will give you?
—
*My apologies for not responding to every comment on this post! I have a hard time keeping up with all comments on the hundreds of posts I’ve shared over the last decade.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Especially in the heat of the moment anger is hard to controll.
Breathing deeply and counting to ten, just trying to de-escalate the situation really helps me.
Usually people don’t want to make you angry, they are just hurt themselves or don’t understand.
If we can refrain from lashing out and instead seek to understand and help, usually the situation will solve itself.
That’s a great point. Sometimes when someone seems hurtful, I assume they intended to be. It’s very helpful to remember they’re likely hurt and lashing out. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
Hi Lori,
I enjoyed reading your post and I completely agree although it isn’t always easy to do when you’re angry. It gave me a warm feeling reading your post and hope it will help people look at their anger differenlty.
Love,
Liesbeth
I’m so glad this post helped you. Have a great weekend!
The letter tip is a very good strategy when dealing with anger. When I am really mad, I write it all out. Then I sit on the letter for a day. If I am still angry, I write more. However, I don’t send the writings out. I rip them up, as a symbolic way of letting go of the anger. Then I try to answer to the situation in the most objective way possible.
That sounds like a smart idea. I find that when I write out a letter like this, I often include way more detail than I really need to communicate to the other person. It’s therapeutic to write it, but generally not necessary to send it all.
dang u write a lot dang boyyyyyyyyyy just kindin u want to be on my friend list
I struggle with saying no and struggle with asking for a favour also, so much so that I avoid people, have become completely self-sufficient and quite a boring person!
I was recently given this list of ‘some I’m OK statements’ to help me become more aware of my own and other peoples rights – I thought I’d share 🙂
1. It is OK to want or need something from someone else.
2. I have a choice to ask someone for what I want or need.
3. I can stand it if I don’t get what I want or need.
4. The fact that someone says no to my request doesn’t mean I should not have asked in the first place.
5. I can insist on my rights and still be an OK person.
6. I sometimes have a right to assert myself, even though it may inconvenience others.
7. The fact that other people might not be assertive doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t be.
8. There is no law that says other people’s opinions are more valid than mine.
9. I may want to please people I care about, but I don’t have to please them all the time.
10. Giving, giving, giving is not the be-all of life. I am an important person in this world too.
11. If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. They will probably know that too.
12. I am under no obligation to say yes to people simply because they ask a favour of me.
13. The fact that I say no to someone does not make me a selfish person.
14. If I say no to people and they get angry, that doesn’t mean that I should have said yes.
15. I can still feel good about myself, even though someone else is annoyed with me.
Thank you for your article, it is going to be a valuable resource for me in the very near future!
Thanks for posting those 15 OK statements, Dee!
Thank you Jarl for helping me feel OK about being thanked for doing something 😉
you do have a lot of commets on the top of that stuts
What a great list! Thanks for sharing this–it’s very helpful.
I truely felt that your article and this list somehow belonged together, for me anyway!
Originally, when I received this list, I wasn’t able to feel positive about it, I found that I reacted with a kind of spiteful stubborn defensiveness, effectively stamping my feet and creating a barrier between myself and the things that casused me difficulty “I am under no obligation to say yes to people”, I wanted to stamp out everything.
Today I now truely understand that if someone says ‘no’ to me, it’s OK and if I
say ‘no’ to someone, it’s ‘OK’, it’s as simple or as complicated as I want it to be. I may say no and that person wants to abuse me, so I may say no to their abuse and they they may not like it, thats OK, I was not wrong to say no. I have the choice to decide what I want to say ‘no’ to.
I’ve worked with your article this past week and it’s helped me to realise the simplicity of the above statements, they simply are the truth. I feel I was taught a different ‘truth’ in the past and that I had to fight against it, but actually, I was just angry and the anger was distorting my current thoughts.
As my anger is fading, my hurt and confusion is also fading, I am feeling that my compassion and confidence has always been there, I don’t even need to build it up, I have just been fighting against it, blocking it with my anger.
Sitting with my anger and allowing it to exist and fade away has allowed me to see how frightened I was of just feeling angry, allowed me see where the anger truely started, and also recognise that I was most definately projecting this anger and fear onto current situations.
I simply cannot thank you enough!
I’m so glad this post was helpful to you, Dee! I know that place of stubborn resistance well. I think we’ve all been there. What you wrote about saying no is incredibly powerful. I still struggle with that sometimes, and it’s a wonderful message, so thank you!
kill kill kill
That’s an amazingly helpful list! Thank you so much for posting it..makes me feel so much better about myself! 🙂
You’re most welcome! =)
i feeling depessions
i feeling anger
i feeling mood swing
good I love this list thx for it I love it
‘anger’ and letting it get the best of me is the #1 issue I deal with. I’m getting better but BOY is it tough to just ‘sit’ with it….but when I do, let the boiling over pot simmer down, I am able to consider my options cooly, calmy and not using my ‘critical judge’ voice. thanks.
I know how difficult that can be! Sitting with feelings has never been my strong suit, but I know that when I resist the urge to act on them, they seem to have less power. I suspect this is a lifelong challenge–and I’m sure we’ll all have plenty of opportunities to practice!
I suppose we are kind of like computers, we’re both programmed to do certain things and we use energy to do those things, the key differences are that a computer can be switched off, the energy supply that powers the program can be disconnected, it has time to cool down, we can’t disconnect ourselves from our programming because we constantly have an energy supply, we try to switch it off, by distraction or hiding under the bedcovers or reacting angrily…meanwhile our program is still running. But, where a computer cannot reprogram itself and cannot adapt, we can. Our responses to our feelings are our programming. Originally, the program was written for us, by other people, as we become more independent we take control of our own programming, when we are ready, we start ammending our own program in the direction we want it to go. We have the choice, a computer doesnt and that is why it is wonderful to be human 🙂
I love this message! Often I think about it and then I forget about it when I need to act and cool down…. Thank you..!
kill murder mmmmm!
Hi Dee
I just wanted to say thankyou for the list.
I just want to add to 11, as it is something I struggle with. I have a long history of being made responsible for my problems nad although I am generally assertive enough to not struggle with the others, 11 undercuts the rest of these assertive skills.
I’m guessing for most people 11 is fine, but for me: If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. They will probably know that too. – from my experience I find that hard to accept so I would alter 11 as
11> If I refuse to do a favour for people, that doesn’t mean I don’t like them. They will probably know that too. If not that is not my responsibility. i know I like them, their issues of trust, recipocrity, fairness (not saying these are negative but the issues behind them may well be) are their own, as are mine. If I like them then I need the faith in myself that they will realise that soon enough, and if I remain confident I help them regain that trust rather than pander to the fear.
I know that’s really long, but some affirmations are longer than others (the irony of many statements on scientific method is that Occam’s Razor has not actually been proven scientifically (in fact double checking just now my previous research, I have found more arguments (academic journals) that the assumption of its utility is false, however this does not mean it cannot be succesfully applied just that it is not a necessary precondition)).
edit to above line 3-4: I have a long history of being made responsible for others problems
i like the last 3 points! 🙂
Hi Dee, I LOVE this list, I really resonate with it. Do you know who wrote it originally? I wonder could I share it on, I’d like to share it on my fb page the way of the peaceful parent, does that sound ok? Thanks, Genevieve
hey hi.. i really like and appreciate the list that u have put up..i often end up concluding that i am the one who always has to compromise, but ur list has given a pretty good insight to live a peaceful life without any regrets and also that we don’t need to be a “YES MAN” always..
I like that thank you! I didn’t realize I was like others!
What if I am afraid to say no because my brother always argues with me after I say no and makes fun of me in a public place even days after the argument. He holds very long grudges. He also knows an embarrassing secret of mine that he threatens to exploit.
Your brother sounds like a cunt. If you have a cunt relative, forcing them to be unable to see you can make them see that maybe they have been a cunt, and after a year or two, they will almost *beg* you to come back into their life; the funny part is that you may not be bothered to let them back in, and be better off for it. Make no mistake whatsoever, Internet: there are people in your life right now, as you read this, who are holding you back, making you feel badly over and over again, and it’s because it is a pattern. You see it, they instigate it; they won’t see it as you do, and if it never harms them, then they will never care to stop harming you. Fuck prick cunts and fuck their prick cunt hearts.
If you’re afraid of him making fun of you, just try not to let it get to you. If he tries to and you don’t react, soon enough he will stop. Think about what he says and decide on whether or not it is true. If it’s not, then you don’t need to pay it any mind, and if it is true, think about your own perspective on what he’s saying. Do you have a reason? Do you think you have a problem with whatever he’s critisizing? Is what he’s saying important? Ask yourself questions like that.
Even if the upsetting words he says are true, just remember good things about yourself and think about the reality of the situation. Someone I knew used to make fun of me for liking anime and playing my flute as a Band Geek. I’d just tell him I was a geek and proud, but I still felt hurt. After some thought, I realized that his opinion didn’t matter and that as long as I was happy with who I was, his opinion didn’t matter. It’s my life not his. Just be yourself. If you don’t want to do something, you shouldn’t have to feel afraid of his words. Live your life how you choose.
And if you’re afraid of him telling that embarrassing secret, think about the secret. Is it really that important? Is it something important in your eyes, but something other people wouldn’t really think about for long? Some embarrassing things are embarrassing to you but not a big deal to others. If it’s really that important, but it’s most likely not, get some dirt on him and tell him that you’ll reveal one of his secrets if he tells yours. Not the most mature thing to do, and it would be best to just bluff, but it shouldn’t be that important. It’s just an embarrassing secret rather than life or death. Who knows? You might even feel better if the secret is put out there for everyone to know, so that he can’t use it as leverage. If you’re the one who says it, you’ll still have the pride of being able to admit it. If you tell people, you can feel stronger and others will be sure to admire that confidence. If they don’t, you are hanging out with the wrong people. Good luck.
Or just buy a ThoughtOnBoard™ and tell people what you really think! http://thoughtonboard.com/
I’m still angry and wanna kill the world but that thought justs makes me angry
iwanna watch the world burn so badly cuz there’s always hate on stuf we like mlp hater we like creepypasta hater evrything is always hate on
Dont be angry. Because the though of wanting to kill the world isn’t your thought. So dont allow it to stay, when it does it just wrecks.
Hey Hey Police – refer to the article above:
1. Allow yourself to feel angry.
So don’t say don’t be angry lol
well said….
Dee,
Thank you for sharing this amazing list. I have been struggling with being selfless and wanting to keep everyone happy, being unable to look after my needs over others’ for years now. Your list might just have given me a breakthrough to working with my feelings of feeling selfish every time I thought about my needs over those of others.
Thank you so much. You might just have changed my life forever. ^_^
Hey tinny Buddha plzz help me I am very bad girl I always argue with my parents and always angry from them and when I am angry I said very bad words and sentences to my parents plzz help me how I control my angry I am 23 year old girl …
I would like you to realize that you are a 23 year old woman. You are not a girl. Your relationship with your parents after high school is an active relationship rather than a passive one. If you have not yet taken control and responsibility for your relationship with your parents, I advise you to spend time meditating on what it means to be in an adult relationship with your parents. Much of your anger is probably based in the uncertainty of changing roles.
Very great list i have alot of work to do can’t Please Everyone & i refuse to let others. Upset me because People Not happy With what i’m Doing i don’t Want to be angry All the time.
Your choice of feelings are a great way to look at life we are not here to please others vise versa but it is on us whether we say yes or no 👌👏🙏🙌
Restraint of tongue and pen. Or e-mail.
This was just what I needed to process a silly little interaction on the NYC Subway this morning. A man got very angry at me for asking him not to lean on the pole because some people couldn’t hold onto it. Anyway, he was so mean and I’m still thinking about it – it was hours ago. Breathing into the parts of my body that feel tight has helped and then this list of OK Statements has really helped, too. Thank you!
Great list! Number 3 has some limitations in my opinion but as a general rule works out okay.
Thank you for this article! Really helped! I felt really annoyed today with a woman I know from my neighbourhood! I was in my local field letting my puppy run free and as we were nearly packing up to leave she comes in and let’s her dogs off the lead and my puppy got happy and as we got closer she moaned saying her dogs got scared?? I was so confused as to why she didn’t wait for me to leave if she didn’t want other dogs around her dogs!!? Really made me angry as she made a bit of a scene for nothing and I had to quickly leave with my puppy and cut our walk short to leave her and her dogs alone! I feel like an idiot! I should have told her to get over herself but I was polite and left….Really made me so angry that I didn’t say anything! I think I’m still angry that I let her upset me but I had other issues to deal with and this was just another trigger…trying to let it go now as I feel I’ll only make myself ill if I let people like that get to me but it’s hard as I’m an emotional person ☹️
You’re most welcome – and my apologies for the slow response. I’m glad this was helpful to you! It sounds like you did the right thing. Sometimes silence is the best response!
I love this list and see much use in it! (Both the article’s and the 15 point list I’m commenting on. I would just say it’s a bit odd to read “I’m okay if I don’t get what I need”. That doesn’t seem to be “okay” no one should be denied or okay with being denied needs.
Number 15 out of your list was something I really needed to hear, thank you!
This is the most profound article I have read in a long time (and I’m even an avid reader of Zen Habits)! I appreciate your thoughtful work so much.
Thank you, Lori.
Thanks Joy. =)
Great post! I know I have a problem wtih confrontation. I also have some confusion with anger becasue when I was young, anger was never an appropriate response. I remember the first time my boyfriend made me mad – I sat there and thought: “I’m just going to be mad at him as long as I want! And I’m going to tell him too!” It ended up lasting about 5 minutes and was a very good sharing experience – he had no clue how his words had made me feel.
I also have difficulty saying no. I tell my kids I practice on them. 🙂
Hi Jennifer,
I could relate to what you wrote in a big way. I think a lot of my adult people-pleasing tendencies come from my childhood. Sometimes I feel such instinctive resistance to saying no, as if I need to overextend myself or I won’t be loved. I don’t have kids yet, but I’m learning to practice saying no more often!
Lori
must be nice. My relationships are fighting the whole entire time.
This is a wonderful article! I visit this site frequently and often find comfort, wisdom and useful approaches in the articles that I use for my personal life, as well as my professional life (professor/psychologist). This is by far one of the best articles I have read. Thank you for sharing and turning your negative experience into positive energy by using it as an example for others to learn from.
You are most welcome! I get so much joy from writing and publishing other people’s insights here. Thank you for being part of this community. =)
You know what? This is quite helpful as a way to see what others are doing that might even be similar to some one that angers us. I, personally, have discovered I really don’t like angers’ affects upon me and my entire system.
So, how to avoid situations that may make us angry? The hermit theory sounds attractive but having tried it has only resulted in teaching more. The only one I can control is myself, to state I don’t get angry would be me lying. To me, what’s important about it is; don’t make a meal out of the guilt from losing ones temper. Is there such a thing as righteous anger? Should we participate in life like door mats?
This article and the words in comments are good advice. Even in light of today’s many visible injustices.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Alida. I spent a long time being the hermit–it felt like a smart way to avoid to get messy. And these types of situations and feelings definitely feel messy. When I’m dealing with something I’d rather avoid, I remind myself that it’s a sign I am an active part of the world, which is a good thing.
You bring up a great point about righteous anger. I was just thinking today about how easy it is to cling to anger when you feel justified. I know I’ve done it. What’s helped me let go is remembering how much it’s hurt to hold onto anger in the past. It’s like the quote reads: “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger.”
All so very true!
Thanks so much for your posts here Lori, you are very compassionate, but practical 🙂
For about 7 years i have struggled with crippling depression, feelings of guilt and worthlessness, always wondering why and consistently blowing up in anger at my boyfriend, once it has built up long enough.
We met when he was 17 and i was 18, and at that time, he was a mess emotionally, due to his mentally/physically /spiritually abusive family influence. I, on the other hand, come from a loving immediate and extended family, who have pretty much always supported me. He has struggled with self harm and social anxiety, feelings of worthlessness and anger, some of which has spilled over into my life as manipulating me mentally and acting like everything that goes wrong is my fault…
I do pretty much everything in the “partnership”…cook, clean, work, when i cant work because of my depression, my parents give me money, which, at 27 years old, feels really shitty. His parents give him merry hell and put him through a lot of abuse if he tries to ask for the same, so i feel bad if he does, but he hasn’t worked in years and what makes my anger intensify is he doesn’t really do anything for himself around the house…but he really has no one in this life that unconditionally loves him and has always been told he is a fuckup and worthless.
I desperately try not to resent him, but even though i feel i understand his situation, my resentment builds, then explodes at him. I say things like, “you only exist because of me”…to be fair to myself, these blowups usually result from him blaming me for something i feel is unjust…and not leaving me alone until i snap…almost like he’s testing the limits of my love.
So, what’s my question? When understanding cannot trump the feelings of resentment and anger, how does one cope? I also lost my 14 year old sister to suicide 7 years ago and get extremely angry at the idea of other peoples’ religion, as im jealous they can gain comfort from a lie i cannot believe…in many ways my boyfriend has helped me a lot through my struggles, trying to point out the many ways in which i delude myself, but when he does, i just get defensive and angry at him…
I know this is quite a load to dump on a forum, but i wanted to give an honest background to my question, in the hopes of gaining a more relevant answer…i have tried to ask him politely on many occasions to help me around the house, but it just never changes. His mum always did everything around the house for her kids and husband…i used to be a feminist, but now i am torn between love and inner peace….quite a conundrum…
Any insights you might have would be appreciated
Love and light to you all xx
Hi Nancy,
I can understand why you’d feel resentment given the circumstances. It sounds like there’s a lot of conflicting emotions on both sides, because of your different backgrounds, your unique challenges, and how it all comes together.
I’m not really sure what advice to offer because there really isn’t an easy answer here. I suspect it would be helpful to turn your focus inward so that you’re putting your energy into moving beyond your depression. Anything that annoys or frustrates you will be intensified when you’re in the thick of that. That’s not to say your boyfriend doesn’t have room for growth and improvement; it’s just that the only person you can change is you.
Are you currently getting treatment? When I was at my lowest, I saw a therapist twice a week, and it helped a great deal. I was also over-medicated–and I don’t recommend that. But if you are dealing with clinical depression, medication can help.
Once you get into a healthier mental state, it will be a lot easier for you to recognize what you need to do within your relationship and then find the strength to do it.
I hope this helps!
Much love,
Lori
Hi lori,
I really appreciate your kind words, just trying to think about how i feel about it all and focusing on my own journey has begun to make me feel less awful. Its interesting how simply allowing yourself to express your current mood can uplift it so…
I have tried many treatments and talked to many “professionals” about my depression, but have had frightening experiences…there are many who do not belong in that profession! I have taken medication that made me try to do myself in because i felt even more empty than when i was depressed!
Strangely enough, the only useful advice i have ever gotten is from this tiny buddha 😉
Professionals and medication help some people, so i’ve heard, but for me, feeling like im sick gives me a strong sense of hopelessness and impotence, in terms of change…that is why this site rocks so hard, because it gives you real things to do to change things and doesnt have ANY ulterior motive to keep you on the hook 🙂
The last few weeks my boyfriend and i have been doing much better, we quit smoking weed and eating junk food, also started exercising lots…any endorphins one can get when depressed and anxious are good!
The thing is, people gotta want to change, or they just wont! Good to be in that place now, before, i couldnt face what had happened without my green friend, but i am now and its painful, but real!
Once again, thank you so much, this has helped me put things in perspective and get on the road to engaging with life again…you are something special, keep on doing what you are doing with this site, it was meant to be!
Love Nancy xxoo
Hi Nancy,
That’s awesome you’ve made those positive changes! I’ve actually read that smoking a lot of weed can worsen depression, so just making that change is sure to make a big difference. I’m so glad the site has been helpful to you! I’ve gone through a lot of difficult times in my life, and I love being able to help people when they are going through theirs.
Much love,
Lori
Great advice Lori! We are all just trying to feel good. When something happens that doesn’t mirror back who we think we are, our ego scrambles to realign us. It often does it with anger or judgment. For him it was criticizing you and for you it was anger at him. Totally normal. As you say, the remedy is to accept what it is that we are feeling, take responsibility for creating it and remember, nothing is personal. “The world is not happening to you but FOR you,” as Howard Falco would say. We get to see through our interaction with others where we are not loving ourselves.
Thanks Jarl! This was really helpful to read. I know that sometimes people do and say things that are thoughtful and insensitive–I’ve done it myself at times. But I also know we are all responsible for own feelings.
this is an outstanding post Lori ! I am printing it out as we speak. thanks much.
You are most welcome!
Blessings Lori. I am going through a difficult transition in my life and your generosity and honest sharing of beautiful life wisdom and learning has been a good friend, holding my hand and helping me along the way. Thank you.
I’m so happy to be helpful as you’re dealing with this transition. I’ve been through my share of those, and I know how difficult it can be to stay centered and find peace when there are challenges and unknowns. Sending you love and light =)
Wonderful wonderful wonderful. Feeling Anger is NOT a bad thing. Avoiding DEALING with anger in a healthy way is the bad thing.
Group of peops are participating in a self-discovery series her, on ANGER in the month o’ May. http://biggirlbombshell.com/index.php/2011/05/may-word-by-word-self-discovery/
Thanks for the link, Beverly! I will definitely check it out.
This post could not have come at a better time – I’ve been struggling with anger for about two weeks and it has been eating me up inside. I know I’m being silly but can’t keep from being angry. You’ve given me some great ways to reconsider my position and it is greatly appreciated.
I’m so glad this helped Jana. Have a great weekend =)
“The people pleaser in me wants to say yes to everyone, but the reality is that there is only so much time in the day—and we all have a right to allocate our time as best supports our intentions, needs, and goals.” I just heard that a political fella said that if Health Care is a right that everyone has, he, as a doctor, and everyone that works for him and that cleans the offices etc is a slave to anyone who comes in and asks for medical care.” So what’s my point? I guess my point could be that whoever’s metaphor is taken by the public as how things should be seen, wins the dabate. – or that giving rights to groups instead of to individuals takes away individual rights.
More on topic: Great article!!!
Interesting reference! It’s true–we often interpret our “rights” as the things we think we should have. Thanks for the positive feedback. I’m glad this post resonated with you!
for some reason i couldn’t stop laughing when i read ““Buddha would be appalled.””
and this voice in my head replied with, “i highly doubt it, buddy.”
it’s hard to not REACT. even when i take the time to let the anger sink in, i still find myself going in circles trying to relive the incident that got me there, and have better come-backs. I could’ve said…!!! I should’ve said….!!! I would’ve said…!!!
i do not like the feeling of anger in my body. i find it very unpleasant, and yet there’s never any avoiding it. so i try to embrace it, and try to learn from it. always try. sometimes it’s easier than others.
most of the time though…i wind up laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the struggle, and the anger fades to the background.
for some reason i couldn’t stop laughing when i read ““Buddha would be appalled.””
and this voice in my head replied with, “i highly doubt it, buddy.”
it’s hard to not REACT. even when i take the time to let the anger sink in, i still find myself going in circles trying to relive the incident that got me there, and have better come-backs. I could’ve said…!!! I should’ve said….!!! I would’ve said…!!!
i do not like the feeling of anger in my body. i find it very unpleasant, and yet there’s never any avoiding it. so i try to embrace it, and try to learn from it. always try. sometimes it’s easier than others.
most of the time though…i wind up laughing at the whole ridiculousness of the struggle, and the anger fades into the background.
Yes I know that feeling exactly! There have been times when I’ve dedicated full days to re-thinking a situation and how I should have handled it. It helps me to remember that there is a process that makes it easier to let go, and if I work my way through it, the feelings will eventually pass, as all feelings do. Of course that’s separate from communicating my needs, but always easier when I’m not stewing!
This was a great piece, Lori. I can only imagine how many emails you get asking for help, support, money, etc. since you have such a popular blog. I would think you’d need pretty thick skin at times to deal with some of the responses you get when you say no as well! It’s so wise of you to be able to step back and use something like that negative reaction as a learning experience–if only everyone had your thoughtfulness and wisdom!
I have a complicated relationship with anger, because I grew up in a house where it was a go-to emotion for my parents, and there was a lot of yelling, blaming and making everyone feel bad, but then never any calm discussion about resolving issues afterward, so everything just piled up. I also was not allowed to stand up for myself or give an opinion from a very early age, so I had a lifetime of anger and resentment built up just from that (let alone all of the other things I encourntered as a teenager!). It really took me years to undo all the baggage I was carrying for all that time (which had greatly coloured my relationships and how I communicated).
I have always allowed myself to feel angry… I truly don’t believe anger is anything to be ashamed of or hidden. Feeling it and acting on it are two different things though, and that’s what I’ve had to learn the hard way. I do think it’s really important for both people to calmly discuss how they felt after something happens, though, so that they can both be heard and learn how not to repeat the same patterns in the future. That’s the step most people want to skip because it’s hard to talk about feelings, but it’s so important.
The tips listed here are so helpful–this article is a great reminder for me to deal with anger in the healthiest way possible and use it as a learning experience. It’s tough to remember in the heat of a confrontation, but everyone would benefit if we were all able to be mindful in the face of anger!
Thanks Alannah! It certainly helps to have an outlet to channel experiences like these into lessons. I could relate to what you wrote about your childhood in a big way. I had a similar experience, which created the people-pleaser in me. There was always a lot of anger and pain, and I just wanted to make everyone happy. I spent most of my 20s doing what I called “re-parenting” myself. I had to learn that it was OK to feel–and that if I felt negative feelings, it wasn’t because I deserved to hurt. And equally important, I could survive them. Sometimes I still need to work at it. What helps me is to continually remind myself that all feelings pass, but they’ll help more than they hurt if I feel them and learn from them.
Wonderful post! I’ve had a lot of anger (or irritation, annoyance) that comes around quite a bit for me around one person. The more I’ve looked at it, I see that the anger is a symptom of other things in life . I’m trying to learn from it as best as I can, and this guide looks very helpful. Thanks for this post. By the way, the quote you mentioned, “You will not be punished for your anger. You will be punished by your anger,” felt very profound for me, since with what’s been happening lately, I personally know the truth of that statement. Much love to you for putting this out into the world. 🙂
Thanks Justine. I know all too well how punishing anger can be. I’ve also found myself in that place where I frequently feel irritated by one person. The more I dig under the surface of it, the more I learn about myself and what I need. I think self-awareness is ultimately the foundation of happiness. Not easy, but definitely worth it. Much love back to you =)
Hey Lori, these are great suggestions for how to take our anger and learn from it. It always fascinate me how informative and helpful “negative” emotions can be. I actually just wrote a post about this too.
What a great post! I bookmarked your blog. Love it =)
why is the mercedes benz logo in the clouds? it’s definitely not a peace sign, since those have 4 lines, not 3.
OTHER THAN THAAAAT… good article 🙂 everyone needs to control their anger better.
Wow I didn’t notice that! The photographer tagged it on flickr with “peace” but you’re right! Thanks for the note. =)
This was so needed by me right now for the exactly the same reason. People are used to getting their way when they ask a woman to go that extra mile and we’re taught to submit and so it. We then bury the anger with ourselves and wonder why we feel so depressed. Learning to say no without guilt is the hardest lesson we have to learn, sometimes. And we get the guilt trip when we do say no, so we either knuckle under or or feel guilty. Good job for sticking to your guns and for letting the rest of us in on how to overcome the anger, either with ourselves or with someone else. By the way, I think Buddha would have said, “What have you learned?” and you told us. Thank You.
Thanks Barbara! I definitely fell into that guilty place, and I suspect that’s why I reacted so strongly. I often feel as though a “good person” would say yes to every request. When someone calls me on that, it speaks to that misguided inner assumption that has the potential to leave me overextended, depleted, and unhappy. It helps tremendously to work through these types of feelings here, and I’m so grateful to have these conversations that help me (and hopefully others) create healthy boundaries and deal with the resulting emotions.
What wonderful suggestions – thank you for creating such a thoughtful and caring site.
BTW – I just can’t imagine the Buddha being appalled 😉
You’re most welcome, and thank you! I appreciate the kind words =)
Hi Lori.
tiny buddha is one of my favorite sites and I am so grateful for its calming influence in my daily life. So first off, thank you!
Second, I really appreciate you talking about self-soothing because it’s often a piece that is missed in our “emotional intelligence.” We all get better and better at becoming aware of our feelings but then stepping up to actually nurture ourselves is yet another step that gets missed. When we are able to self-soothe, usually our thinking about the situation and empathy toward others and the situation changes immediately. At least, that’s been my experience.
Warm blessings.
Hi Susie,
I’m so glad this resonated with you. I think you hit the nail on the head about working through our feelings. Sometimes it’s so tempting to get lost in them without walking ourselves through them. When I’m getting wrapped up in difficult emotions, I try to imagine what I would say to my sister if she were in the same place. This makes it much easier to nurture myself!
Blessings right back to you,
Lori
Hi Lori!
Oh my, this came at the perfect time! Tariq and I was really angry at someone last night and we found it SO hard to control our anger. After talking about it together and realizing that the culprit was the one having problems, not us or anyone else in the room, things started to mellow down.
Also, after reading the intro, I realized that your situation was pretty similar to what my friend faced recently. I actually wrote a post about it which will be published later today. Just FYI, I linked this article to it to help my readers take action in controlling their anger. Hope you don’t mind. I wanted to give a more wholesome approach 🙂
Thanks for this gem, Lori!
Shaheera
Thanks Shaheera. I will look forward to reading your post!
Hi Lori!
The post is up if you want to see it. You can find it here: http://www.thevantagejourney.com/2011/05/what-it-takes-to-be-a-business-owner-a-customer/
What do you think we can do to make customers react more positively towards our business? Perhaps you have your own opinions to add about the subject. 🙂
I think this comes back to the whole, “We have the right to refuse service to anyone” concept. I look at every interaction in the same context. It’s not friend to friend, or stranger to stranger, or business owner to customer–it’s human to human. And when it gets nasty, I let that person know it’s not OK. No one deserves that, ever!
Love you. Love this post. xo
Thanks Brianne. =)
This is one of my favorite posts! Highly-recommended! 🙂
Thanks Bob! I’m glad you enjoyed it!
I had this tab open and closed my computer for a while… something happened afterwards that made me angry and when I came back, there the post was. Just when I needed it. Thanks for this. It was really helpful.
You’re most welcome!
Lori, blessings on you, anam cara. I appreciate your humility and your willingness to share with us. The person writing you will come to a place of peace and we will all be glad. For now, I am glad for your writing and your response to your own moment of stress.
[…] or a customer. We just read it this morning and found it very significant to add to this post. Read 20 Things To Do When Feeling Angry With Someone by Lori Deschene from Tiny […]
I couldn’t have read this post at a better time. After having a difficult situation with a close friend, I used what I had already learns on tinybuddha to help me through a hard time. This post is so well written and the ideas are so valuable. I appreciate this so much, and am so glad to be able to use many of this techniques in dealing with anger. Thanks, Lori!
That’s great! You’re most welcome =)
Amazing! So thankful to found your site! You do amazing writing!
I’m so glad! =)
It seems to me anger can be dealt with much more easily with a good kick to the throat of said jerk. But, that’s just me.
Not sure how to stop being angry with my MIL for forwarding my personal email to her to my entire family. I wrote an honest letter to her about how I felt of her behavior and she decided to try to get the family on her side, leaving out the details of the nasty words she said to me. We help her monthly financially and support her however we can. I truly feel like we were being used for our willingness to help her, so she felt the need to try to make me look bad before I could “do it to her”.
I don’t know how to have her in my life because my trust is gone. Trust is everything to me.
My husband knows how she is and is totally supportive and my kids are still allowed to spend time with her but I am still at a loss as to why someone could be so hateful and rude. It doesn’t surprise me, but made me realize that our relationship wasn’t what I thought it was or could be. I know that anger doesn’t solve anything but it is somewhat mourning the loss of another “parent” figure since I don’t have parents in my life. My husband and I grew up in very chaotic unstable homes and idealistic we may be, we try to create harmony and peace in our lives. However, struggling with this situation does not make me feel peaceful. 🙁
I read the articles on this site and it helps a lot for various issues that I have or have dealt with in my life. I truly appreciate the time and wisdom that goes into each and ever article.
Thankful for any suggestions. 🙂
I can totally understand your anger in this situation. It’s really unfortunate that your mother-in-law chose to do that. I can only imagine that she must be dealing with some deep pain of her own to feel the need to behave that way. For her to completely ignore the intention behind your message and immediately look for back up, she must feel as though she is somehow being attacked, even if that isn’t the case. Either that or she’s just not emotionally available or capable of having this conversation with you, so she feels the need to receive validation for her choice not to be in it. Maybe she feels ashamed of needing the financial help, so your message hurt in a way she felt she couldn’t bare alone.
People often associate forgiveness with having trust for someone again, but I think that these two things don’t necessarily need to go hand-in-hand. You can forgive someone at any time once you decide that you won’t let what they did hurt you anymore. I think trust, on the other hand, is something that people need to earn back. It sounds as though your MIL isn’t ready to do that right now.
My best suggestion would be to let her know you feel about what she did and then give her time and space to reflect on why she did it. In the meantime, set yourself free mentally to the best of your ability. I can understand why her actions were hurtful to you. If you do your best to let go of what happened until she’s ready to have a constructive conversation, her actions hopefully will have less power to hurt you going forward.
I hope this helps a little.
Lori
Thank you so much for your reply.
My mother-in-law has been “well-known” for her passive aggressiveness. There was a time when I would let her walk all over me. Like the rest of the family, discuss her behaviors amongst each other and never tell HER the truth. If course, time/age/growth has helped me realize that my opinion and thoughts counts too. Quite frankly, tired of her manipulating every situation that would not benefit her. I have the right to speak my mind. The entire family has let her do what she does for so long that I finally had enough. I know that the truth would hurt but getting it off my chest felt pretty good. My husband knew that I needed to let her know how I feel. In the past I have always let him handle his mother. He knew that this was something I needed to do for me, and to be prepared how she would react. And of course true to form, she did her best to hurt me right back, COMPLETELY avoiding the original issue and calling attention to anything and everything that she thinks I did to HER in the past 15 years.
Obviously this was the wrong approach and I have learned that you can’t HELP someone who doesn’t know they have a problem. Instead I have to learn to create boundaries with people who have a history of being a master manipulator. The family was upset at me when they read the letter, because they thought I was “mean” for writing THE TRUTH, all the while agreeing with me that she behaves like that, but excusing it because “that’s mom”.
So I take it day by day. You are right about her need to feel validation for her actions. If she had never tried to “get back at me” and handled the situation like an adult then the outcome would be much different for us. I never meant to hurt her, but as the truth hurts, so does the repercussion for being the messenger. I know that she wants all this to “go away”, but I am not ready to let her back into my everyday world. I have wonderful people in my life that lift me up not try to tear me down. That is how my husband and I try to live our lives together. Growing with positivity not drowning with stagnant negativity. Thank you for all the positivity of this website. I read it EVERYDAY since I discovered it and do my best to incorporate the wisdom. <3
You’re most welcome. I know quite a few people who similar situations with their in-laws, and I feel for your pain with this one! I hope that she gets to the root of her feelings so that you two can have a constructive conversation. In the meantime, it sounds like the boundaries are a smart idea.
Thank you for the kind words about Tiny Buddha. I love knowing that this site makes a positive difference. =)
Hi Mrs. Lori! My name is Shadia from Turkey.i read your article and like this kind of writing so much.i wonder most is whether you have books about those subjects.i love the way you thought and i want to improve my english with your useful writings.
I’m glad you found this post helpful Sadiye! What kind of books are you looking for? About anger…?
it may be about personal capability,mentality or self control mrs. Lori.i like this kind of books.i will be very happy if you have and write your book’s name to me.thanks in advance.
I can’t think of any books on that topic off the top of my head. I’ll let you know if I do! Regarding my book, you can find that here: http://amzn.to/oydElt
Have a great afternoon!
Thanks for this Lori.
I had had a bad day, the angriest I have been for a long time. I came back to the place I am staying clicked on Stumble and this appeared.
Perfect timing.
As it happens I am aware of most of the principles, however I think I needed a tiny reminder.
🙂
You’re most welcome, Al! I’m sorry for the slow response. For some reason, I missed this comment. I hope you’re having a nice weekend. =)
Your right… and I’m going to put these suggestions to use in my life, Thank You for the post!!!
You’re most welcome!
I don’t know how to forgive. I’ve been betrayed in my relationship, Even if I feel things will be ok, I’ll have a bad day, and feel depressed & angry again. All my emotions are causing thoughts such as, should I stay in this relationship? If I can forgive & move on (with him) will I be happy? Or is my gut feeling trying to tell me to leave? I’m not happy, but I wonder if it’s because Ive been swimming in resentment for over almost a year now? Basically, I can’t figure out what my brain & heart are wanting/trying to tell me. I don’t think I capable of proper forgivness, because I let memories of hurt still fester.. I appreciate your post and insight however… thank you!
Hi there,
I really feel for your situation. It can be so difficult to move on from a betrayal. I’m sure there is no easy answer here because of all the complicated emotions. But I can say that a year is a long time to feel resentful and angry. I’m sure you can feel the pain in both your mind and body. I hope that whatever choice you make, it’s the one that allows to let go and heal.
Much love,
Lori
Great thoughts here! Breathing into tension really does work as so does seeing how anger is related to other situations, not just one.
Very good tips!
Myself, I tend to look differently at the core of the problem, but most of the tips still apply to that.
My view is, it’s usually never about you.
First, that other person did not react to me, not unless he/she knows me well. She reacted to her (as limited as anyone’s) impressions of the world, and her needs not being fulfilled, her anger being a problem in the first place. When I realize that, my anger is rather quick to turn into feeling sorry for that other person, and I’m more or less done feeling angry in an instant.
The other problem is people who do know me well. Count. Count, how many times this person has actually disrespected me. Out of spite. If I use up all the fingers on my hand, maybe it’s time for serious talk. If not, I just more or less follow the tips. And try to realize the single most important thing about life. It’s almost never about me. I am not the focal poit of universe, and whatever has happened, I will get my explanation, sooner or later. For most evil that is done, is not done on purpose. When it is, it’s time to react.
Sometimes it’s a metter of whether I’m willing to change. But me, not the other person. I have this friend, who is known to be late sometimes. Although saying he’s late is like saying an apple is smaller that the Sun. Correct, but doesn’t convey the scale. Let’s say when we go on holiday, and he doesn’t show up, we just jump in a car and go. No sense in waiting 4 hours. And he usually hitchhikes all the way to join us. We all want to be friends, and made adjustments. We’re no longer angry he’s late, he’s not angry we’ve not waited.
Look how hard it’s to change yourself. Trying to change another person is beyond impossible (although you may be able to help a bit if he sincerely wants to change himself).
Wow you have some wonderful insights! I can’t even count all the times my mother told a younger me “Not everything is about you.” You’re right–remembering this is a fantastic way to diffuse anger, and I suspect it’s also the best way to legitimately help someone else.
Fantastic post. Not only is this very insightful in relation the the Chinese proverb, but it’s also quite helpful. I’ll be sure to keep these tips in mind for better living. I’m looking to do a similar thing at my blog ( http://suburbanteenphilosopher.tumblr.com/ ) so check it out if you get the chance. I’d love to get some feedback and advice from the tiny buddha!
Hi there! Thanks for reading and commenting. I’m glad you found this post helpful. Regarding feedback, I actually offer blog consulting services. I’d be happy to schedule a call to discuss your blog. You can read more information here:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog-services/
And can contact me at email(AT)tinybuddha.com.
I have a big problem with my mom she like my 2oldest sis then me and i dont know how to make her love me…………………….wilnise job
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I thought anger was just another way of covering upour fears?
help me with this……John
Hi John,
How can I help?
Lori
Thanks for this great article. I’ve always had trouble handling anger and realize it takes constant management. While it’s not possible to become a sweet tempered person overnight, I now try to shorten my “anger period” so I move on instead of harping on it. Constantly working on it and this is a great guide to refer to!
Thanks Tammi! I’m generally sweet-tempered, but oftentimes that can turn into passive aggression. These steps have really helped me understand, work through, and communicate my anger, instead of stuffing it down. I’m so glad they were helpful to you, too. =)
[…] 20 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Angry with Someone. […]
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