“To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.” ~Unknown
Life has been strange the past few days.
All summer there was a trip or an event to count down to the final move—my brother’s wedding in Sedona, Captiva Island with my boyfriend’s family, Thailand with a girlfriend and, finally, a week in Atlanta.
I have nine days left before the movers come, and I feel as though I’m existing in a space without anything to hold on to.
My world here in Florida will soon be a memory, and I have no way of knowing what my life in North Carolina will look like. I fantasize about it, but it’s all conjecture.
The summer getaways provided a distraction for me, obscuring the view of the unknown that was swiftly approaching. My former relationship acted as a life preserver that I knew would be with me no matter where I floated. Now, both have dissolved into the past.
Very few people in this world feel an obligation or a desire to plan their lives around you.
Although I have been gifted with amazing and loyal girlfriends, they have their own lives. It’s my parents and significant others that I have counted on for the heavy labor, when the help I need is neither sexy or fun.
Although my ex-boyfriend would help me move with kindness in his heart, I don’t want to depend on him for this. It seems like I would be carrying on the illusion that I still have the security of our partnership. And what about my parents? Isn’t that always a loaded question…
At 29, I am confused about my parents’ role in my life.
While they offer to do whatever is in their power to make difficult times easier for me, their assistance comes with some strings attached. As I move toward making decisions in my life with less input from them, I am also electing to forgo their help in many ways.
People with long-time partners or even those who still have a cozy and safe place with their parents can say, “What’ the big deal? You’re a grown woman; you can move by yourself.”
I definitely can, and I will. But the whole process, the anxiety of feeling very alone, got me thinking: how many people fight with every bone in their body to avoid this scary place?
I can’t help but wonder if it’s the impetus for so many half-baked marriage proposals and acceptances, the reason behind many planned but thoughtless pregnancies.
These lifelong commitments create the illusion that someone is obligated to you; someone has to help you with the challenges of life because he or she is your partner or your child. As one with a broken engagement in my past and a newly developed longing for a child, I understand these grasping choices.
But, as it turns out, my destiny, and maybe yours, is to walk the path alone for a while longer. And I’ve found myself in this space of in-between.
I’m not able to lean on the family I was born into as I did as when I was younger, but I have not yet created my own clan.
I have to tell myself that there is a purpose behind this time of feeling completely untethered. It is an opportunity to live in the groundlessness of life, without the temporary comforts that distract us from this truth.
Parents will pass on and partnerships will end for myriad reason. There is no telling when the complete lack of security in which we all live will demand our attention with a swift kick in the behind.
I have been given the opportunity to practice living in this space, consciously and with courage. You may have been given this chance as well. It is scary and feels cruel at times, but it is a gift.
If, out of fear, we grasp for people and things that we know aren’t meant for us, we reject the gift. We will never know its treasures. Alternatively, we can accept this groundless time, and do something we have never done—wait patiently and let our true homes find us.
This time, I will do my best not to grasp. This time, I accept the gift. Do you?
Photo by thephotographymuse