“Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power.” ~Shirley MacLaine
I love her to death, but it’s draining to talk to her.
Every time I call this friend of mine, I know what I’m in for: a half-hour rant about everything that’s difficult, miserable, or unfair.
Sometimes she focuses on the people she feels have wronged her, and other times she explores the general hopelessness of life. She never calls to see how I’m doing, and she rarely listens to what’s going on in my life for more than a minute before shifting the focus back to herself.
I tell myself I call because I care, but sometimes I wonder if I have ulterior motives–to pump up my ego offering good advice or even to feel better about my own reality.
I’m no saint, and if there’s one thing I know well, it’s that we only do things repeatedly if we believe there’s something in it for us. Even if that something is just to feel needed.
I thought about this the other day when a reader wrote to me with an interesting question: “How do you offer compassion to someone who doesn’t seem to deserve it?”
While I believe everyone deserves compassion, I understand what she meant after reading more. She went on to describe her offensive, sexist, racist boss who emotionally exhausts everyone around him. He sounds a lot more hateful than my friend, who is, sadly, just terribly depressed.
But these people have one thing in common: boundless negative energy that ends up affecting everyone around them.
So today I started thinking about how we interact with negative or difficult people. People who seem chronically critical, belligerent, indignant, angry, or just plain rude.
When someone repeatedly drains everyone around them, how do you maintain a sense of compassion without getting sucked into their doom? And how do you act in a way that doesn’t reinforce their negativity–and maybe even helps them?
Here’s what I’ve come up with:
1. Resist the urge to judge or assume.
It’s hard to offer someone compassion when you assume you have them pegged. He’s a jerk. She’s a malcontent. He’s an–insert other choice noun. Even if it seems unlikely someone will wake up one day and act differently, we have to remember it is possible.
When you think negative thoughts, it comes out in your body language. Someone prone to negativity may feel all too tempted to mirror that. Try coming at them with the positive mindset you wish they had. Expect the best in them. You never know when you might be pleasantly surprised.
2. Dig deeper, but stay out of the hole.
It’s always easier to offer someone compassion if you try to understand where they’re coming from. But that can’t completely justify bad behavior. If you show negative people you support their choice to behave badly, you give them no real incentive to make a change (which they may actually want deep down).
It may help to repeat this in your head when you deal with them: “I understand your pain. But I’m most helpful if I don’t feed into it.” This might help you approach them with both kindness and firmness so they don’t bring you down with them.
3.Maintain a positive boundary.
Some people might tell you to visualize a bright white light around you to maintain a positive space when other people enter it with negativity. This doesn’t actually work for me because I respond better to ideas in words than visualizations. So I tell myself this, “I can only control the positive space I create around myself.”
Then when I interact with this person, I try to do two things, in this order of importance:
- Protect the positive space around me. When their negativity is too strong to protect it, I need to walk away.
- Help them feel more positive, not act more positive–which is more likely to create the desired result.
4. Disarm their negativity, even if just for now.
This goes back to the ideas I mentioned above. I know my depressed friend will rant about life’s injustices as long as I let her. Part of me feels tempted to play amateur psychiatrist–get her talking, and then try to help her reframe situations into a more positive light.
Then I remind myself that I can’t change her whole way of being in one phone call. She has to want that. I also can’t listen for hours on end, as I’ve done in the past. But I can listen compassionately for a short while and then help her focus on something positive right now, in this moment. I can ask about her upcoming birthday. I can remind her it’s a beautiful day for a walk.
Don’t try to solve or fix them. Just aim to help them now.
5. Temper your emotional response.
Negative people often gravitate toward others who react strongly–people who easily offer compassion or get outraged or offended. I suspect this gives them a little light in the darkness of their inner world–a sense that they’re not floating alone in their own anger or sadness.
People remember and learn from what you do more than what you say. If you feed into the situation with emotions, you’ll teach them they can depend on you for a reaction. It’s tough not to react because we’re human, but it’s worth practicing.
Once you’ve offered a compassionate ear for as long as you can, respond as calmly as possible with a simple line of fact. If you’re dealing with a rude or angry person, you may want to change the subject to something unrelated: “Dancing with the Stars is on tonight. Planning to watch it?”
6. Question what you’re getting out of it.
Like I mentioned above, we often get something out of relationships with negative people. Get real honest with yourself: have you fallen into a caretaker role because it makes you feel needed? Have you maintained the relationship so you can gossip about this person in a holier-than-thou way with others? Do you have some sort of stake in keeping the things the way they are?
Questioning yourself helps you change the way you respond–which is really all you can control. You can’t make someone think, feel, or act differently. You can be as kind as possible or as combative as possible, and still not change reality for someone else. All you can control is what you think and do–and then do your best to help them without hurting yourself.
7. Remember the numbers.
Research shows that people with negative attitudes have significantly higher rates of stress and disease. Someone’s mental state plays a huge role in their physical health. If someone’s making life difficult for people around them, you can be sure they’re doing worse for themselves.
What a sad reality, that someone has so much pain inside them they have to act out just to feel some sense of relief–even if that relief comes from getting a rise out of people. When you remember how much a difficult person is suffering, it’s easier to stay focused on minimizing negativity, as opposed to defending yourself.
8. Don’t take it personally, but know that sometimes it is personal.
Conventional wisdom suggests that you should never take things personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says about you just because the person is insensitive or tactless. Even an abrasive person may have a valid point. Try to weigh their comments with a willingness to learn.
Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right.
9. Act instead of just reacting.
Oftentimes we wait until someone gets angry or depressed before we try to buoy their spirits. If you know someone who seems to deal with difficult thoughts or feelings often (as demonstrated in their behavior), don’t wait for a situation to help them create positive feelings.
Give them a compliment for something they did well. Remind them of a moment when they were happy–as in “Remember when you scored that touchdown during the company picnic? That was awesome!” You’re more apt to want to boost them up when they haven’t brought you down. This may help mitigate that later and also give them a little relief from their pain.
10. Maintain the right relationship based on reality as it is.
With my friend, I’m always wishing she could be more positive. I consistently put myself in situations where I feel bad because I want to help, because I want her to be happy. I’ve recently realized the best I can do is accept her as she is, let her know I believe in her ability to be happy, and then give her space to make the choice.
That means gently bringing our conversation to a close after I’ve made an effort to help. Or cutting short a night out if I’ve done all I can and it’s draining me. Hopefully she’ll want to change some day. Until then, all I can do is love her, while loving myself enough to take care of my needs. That often means putting them first.
—
I’ve learned you can’t always save the world, but you can make the world a better place by working on yourself–by becoming self-aware, tapping into your compassion, and protecting your positive space. You may even help negative people by fostering a sense of peace within yourself that their negativity can’t pierce.
About Lori Deschene
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
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This was a fantastic post, Lori, and oh so compassionate. Your friend is truly blessed to have you. I’m glad you’re loving her but honoring you.
Thank you for this. It’s funny, I recently was trying to figure out how to deal with this at work. My situation is specifically negative, mean joking — but it comes from the same place, really.
I appreciate this list.
A super post! Thanks for the positive input!
🙂
Very helpful article, Lori! Eckhart Tolle suggests just “holding” the space for the other who is complaining, spewing, etc. Quietly listening without offering suggestions, comments, or advice leaves room for them to actually hear themselves and momentarily reflect on what they’ve just said. When there is a pause, I often ask them what I ask myself when I am feeling upset or disgruntled: What does it feel like and where in your body do you feel it? Often just feeling the feelings rather than thinking and talking the feelings does the trick to help move past them.
I once finally told a friend who called me everyday complaining about her husband that I felt I was doing her no good and maybe even feeding the problem by talking with her about her dissatisfaction with him. I said, “From now on if you feel the urge to call to talk about him, wait until the urge passes and call later.” She never called again. Fourteen years later we reconnected and enjoy each other. I have to say, being honest to her was one of the kindest things I’ve ever done for myself. I never missed those phone calls.
Great tips. I have a friend exactly like the one you described. I will definitely keeps these in mind – especially #1.
I’m glad you all enjoyed this post! I think it’s something that’s relevant to all of us. Everyone has highs and lows, and if we can be there for each other without bringing ourselves down, that’s a beautiful thing. Not always easy, but worth working at.
Jarl~ Great addition about Eckhart Tolle’s suggestion. Thank you for adding that information!
Jonathan~ That sounds similar to what the reader wrote to me (the one who inspired this post). I think you hit the nail on the head…that it all comes from the same place. I’m glad to know this was helpful for you.
I am afraid that we may be encouraged to label other people as negative. I prefer to be careful with that label. I can be negative. Sometimes I am the one who is being toxic to others. I would hope that my friends don’t start cataloguing me as “negative” on that account.
Hi there,
I see your point. This is actually what I was getting at tip number 1 (resist the urge to judge or assume). I referred to “negative people” throughout because it’s cleaner than writing “people who often seem negative.” But I agree with you that no one is inherently negative.
However, I will say this: if you are being toxic for others, your friends very well may catalog you as negative, but you can change that at any time. My friend who brings people down–even people who love her call her negative. But we’re all in her corner hoping she’ll try to see a little of the light in the world.
Her being toxic affects all of us. So if we do call her negative from time to time, it’s not because we’re trying to be narrow-minded and insensitive. It’s because someone who is toxic is difficult to be around, and we’re all only human.
If she wants people not to call her negative, there’s a simple way to start: work on being less toxic.
I hope this helps and does not come off as condescending. Sending you love and light.
Lori
You can change but no matter what the same people will react the same. Another excuse will replace the negative excuse. I have learned that from experience. When someone said “I liked her better when she was depressed” from across the table…It was funny even though it was about me
I have found that different personalities ‘click’ better than others and so interacting with as many as it takes to find the ‘ones’ There are people that I faithfully keep laughing til crying, making you feel funny and crack jokes etc. and the others who bring out the dark side .Finding the right rat pack maybe?
One persons ‘toxic’ maybe anothers ‘treasure’
I got much out of this. You have more patience than I do. I often try and then find I have to just leave them be depending on how toxic and draining they are.
This is a beautiful and insightful post to read upon my first visit to your blog! A few folks in my life have recently lamented the challenge of remaining positive while being audience to someone’s vent. You’ve offered high quality and very practical suggestions.
My apologies for this slow response–but thank you. I’m glad you enjoyed this post, and I hope you found some other useful information on the site!
Amazing.
You gives some great tips for dealing with negative people. You are right that you can’t save the world, but you are doing a great job of spreading information that will help people.
Thank you. I appreciate that. =)
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loved your post. infact i sometimes feel i am like this, and at others, other people who are close. both ways it usually makes me just keep shut and bottle up, except with people i am closest too (and not ina good way – pressure cooker effect?).
what did you mean by:
8. Don’t take it personally–but know sometimes it is personal.
Conventional wisdom suggests you should never take it personally when you deal with a negative person. I think it’s a little more complicated than that. You can’t write off everything someone says because they’re insensitive or untactful. An abrasive person can come at you in the worst possible way with a valid point.
Accept that you don’t deserve the excessive emotions in someone’s tone, but weigh their ideas with a willingness to learn. Some of the most useful lessons I’ve learned came from people I wished weren’t right. When you give someone credit who deep down doesn’t think they deserve it, you may inspire a profound shift in how they interpret the world.
could you elaborate, if you dont mind. sorry if its a bad question. was just curious because i found it great stuff 🙂
Hi there~
I added this point because we often like to see things in black and white. If someone comes across as nasty, we assume they’re not worth our time. Your coworker might be abrasive and harsh–odds are that has nothing to do with you. But that doesn’t mean you can’t take anything she says seriously. Despite having no tact, she may have things to say worth hearing. For example, if she comments that you did a poor job at work–and you assume she’s just being difficult–but in all reality you’re not doing your best work. If you tune her out you just might lose her job.
Does that make sense?
Lori
totally. in general i totally agree and have followed that general idea. my probalem is that twice i have been stuck with people i find have a really negative effect on me (not even sure if it’s me being over sensitive) and i really love them or am otherwise stuck with them, all the while knowing they wont change / dont really mean it / are just ranting or letting off steam. given all the specifics of the people and the relationship (mom / boyfriend), i know that the only feasible way to deal with it is just work out a way to stop letting it bother me (because if i try saying something it just goes in circles and ends up becoming my fault for always complaining). so then how do you actually in real life deal with a flood of criticism / friendly advice without letting it get to you / reacting? 🙂
What I’ve done in this situation is learn to do two things:
1. Accept I can’t make other people change. I had one person in particular in my life who always put me down. I WAS oversensitive, but not without merit. This person was really critical of me and it became detrimental to my self esteem. The only thing I could do was accept that person wouldn’t change, and then decide what I needed to change to address that.
2. Put myself first. In my case, that meant minimizing our relationship. It’s not always easy because I do feel a pull to that person, but learning to walk away/make separation is the only way to protect myself.
I don’t know if these ideas apply to your situation. For me, I had to decide I had every right to be bothered, and then decide just how much I was willing to take. I can say with absolutely certainty creating more distance between us has made all the difference.
hi, i’m the negative energy drainer. my biggest problem is when my friends tell me i just need to change my attitude or ‘be positive’ about a really difficult experience. it infuriates me because i think it’s bs ‘the secret’ fake philosophy/spirituality. my ‘negativity’ is sometimes just realism, and a valid response to a terrible situation. acting positive so that other people don’t feel bummed out, is even more stressful for me than just being a negative creep. not sure how to deal with these people.
I used to be an energy drainer. I believed I was a realist too. But “real” is what you create for yourself, not what “is”. And as a negative person, I was perpetuate and stirring up my own negativity, passing it onto the people around me — in effect, wallowing and bathing in it. There is ALWAYS something positive that can or will come of EVERY situation. The trick is a) to look for it and b) to CHOOSE to focus on and leverage it, rather than to swim in all the negative parts. To be “positive” is not to be an idealist and abandon realism. It is to alter your perception toward the happy/healthy choices that are always there, no matter how much negative may also be present in a situation, person, or moment.
I totally agree with you-I need to process things before I get to acceptance and can let them go. Processing, for me involves talking it out with someone. Perhaps some negative people don’t feel listened to, or accepted for thier feelings. Someone listening to me goes a long way toward my letting go of the negative issue, many times changing it into a positive.
I most likely will never be a Pollyanna type person-really cheerful people bug me-they seem so fake. But, I can look at both the positive and negative aspects of a situation and figure out where I want to go from there.
Hi Lori,
Oh, I love your blog and I follow you on twitter and Facebook. You’re gracious. Haha, wanted to express this for a long time 🙂
My personal situation is that I deal with a person who is very dominant and manipulative however it is hardly possible to eliminate him from my life. He is constantly gossiping and talking bad about other people. Addionally I’m very productive because I love the things I do and he tries to bring me down kinda like “Stop being so productive!”. So now I’m kinda frightened that his opinions get into my mind.
What is the way to be not affected but such opinions which are offered in a very dominant way? I guess I should be defenseless and simply watch what is going on in my mind and in my body when he expresses his negative opinions. Lori, am I on the right track?
Love,
Stephan
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Wow! Thank you so much for these insightful words of wisdom. I’ve read several books on trying to deal with a particular negative person in my life and your blog answered ALL MY QUESTIONS. Thank you, thank you and thank you. 😉
People should kiss all the negative a**es! Negative people find solutions for problems, the rest are out partying with all their happy friends. So the loneliness makes them MORE negative. Then when the positive people have a crisis THEN they run back to N’s for help. A vicious cycle where P’s live happily ever after… N’s get to clean up the mess. Spend REAL time with N’s and it brightens their day.. It only brings P’s down when they START off the conversation negative… If someone acts a certain way all the time perhaps YOU have hurt them, but them remain considerate. Who wants to be only invited to funerals and not birthday parties. be for real. Just an example..Families are the worst and NEVER admit any wrong doing. (Play favorites and such) I believe everyone had a P/N/Neutral perception.
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This is such an important skill to learn. I have written a post today that I should have come to you first, about managing a micro managing boss. The two things that get me through situations like this is to try and remember that people are doing the best with the resources they have available and the other is to look to myself and ask why I am attracting these people into my life.
Excellent post, will definitely visit again
loved your comment nigella! would love to hear more about it.
Hi Nigella,
Excellent suggestions. I’ve always told myself that the one constant in my relationships is me. If I’m attracting lots of negative people, my choices have something to do with it. Thank you for commenting!
Lori
So true. I often find it very hard to do this. I wish them well, I create energy around me, but yet sometimes I loose my cool. Practice is important,and to create space in our own mind via some mindfulness practice like meditation. Thats what I hope to do and some Hawian healing, via Ho’oponopono 🙂
I’ve lost my cool a few times, as well–I think we all do from time to time. As long as we’re mindful and work at maintaining our own positive space, I think that’s what matters. I’ve never heard of Hawaiian healing, but I look forward to looking it up!
I had a relative who constantly used me to unload on. i finally wrote to her and said I can’t do this anymore. if you want to discuss something lets do it through email. i told her i loved her but she was dragging me down and I hoped she would find some sort of assistance with her problems.
Its working out well.
I know how difficult that can be, and I admire your ability to set a boundary in that way. Thanks for commenting!
The best “tip” I ever got about negative people.
Change my perspective of them.
For just the time that I deal with them, deal as if they are terminally ill.
What a wonderful suggestion. Thank you for commenting!
Better follow your heart thn the assumed realities of common sense.Great and bright tips.
Thank you! I’m so glad you enjoyed this post.
After reading this, there’s one thing that keeps me bothered.
What is ‘being negative’? And then, what’s wrong with it sometimes?
Sometimes there are situations that are really painful, stressy. Situations in which it would be nice to have people to talk to about the way you feel (and yes, of course also on how you can change the situation). Is it ‘bad’ to talk about the less pleasant aspects of life?
This post makes me feel as if I should always be cheerful and happy, because else I am toxic to other people. Aren’t we here to help eachother in ‘good’ and ‘bad’ times?
If it is prohibited to express ALL your emotions, including the ones we call negative, I believe people become more ‘screwed up’ and lonely. Of course it is nicer if we deal with our issues in constructive ways, but that doesn’t mean negative emotions should be banned all together. In that way you try to create phony people.
And, on a sidenote, I would like to say: Who are we to judge others’ struggles? I have a friend with a major depression and yes, I find it hard to see how every sparkle of light somehow seems to have left her. However, I also see her minor steps. She might not act as an extremely positive person, but she does try to make the best of her days. For her, this means: going to her doctor’s appointment, continue studying even though all she wants is to lay down all day. I see how hard it is for her to do it, yet she does it. It might not mean much to someone who is not in her position, but it means the world to her. So then again: Who am I to judge? This is her struggle and I stand beside her. Sometimes I step back, but never forever and never for long because I once made a choice to be her friend and I do not let her down because she faces difficulties in her life.
I always remind myself that she does not act like this because this is how she likes it. Yes, she can change eventually, but as long as the fear of living is bigger than her selfworth, it is the way it is. What can help her, is to increase her selfworth. If I turn around and let her alone, or if I desperately try to ban negatives in our conversation, I end up making her feel only lonelier. This will certainly not help her to feel better about herself. So, please, do not let them down. Tell them honestly that you sometimes have troubles hearing all the negativity in their life, then go out and take them to the movies (or whatever else will soothe their troubled mind). Set your boundaries WITHIN the relationship, not without. I honestly believe it would defintely NOT help them if all that’s in their reality is suddenly a banned subject in conversation.
Helena,
I think when people refer to others as being “negative” they mean it in the context that this person is constantly negative, their cup is always half empty, “negative Nancy”, regular complainer, etc, or as Lori states “chronically critical, belligerent, indignant, angry, or just plain rude”.
I don’t think anyone is suggesting that you shouldn’t feel the emotions you feel, we ALL have dark moments. But the key here is that we look at the situation, evaluate it, decide our options, find the lesson, learn from it and move on. Are you going to chose to be happy or sad? You are what you think.
As far as “judging others”, I think we have to be careful here. Indeed, it can come across as is if we are “judging others”, but if we approach it from a different perspective it’s not about THEM, it’s about US. By recognizing behavior that we individually feel is toxic (everyone has different boundaries) we are taking preventive measures is protecting ourselves, not putting them down.
I think Lori makes a great point in that we have to “question what you’re getting out of it” (See #6). Is this “friendship” worth it, or is it breaking your down? Personally, I think either way…you can always be a “friend”, just be aware of your boundaries
I couldn’t agree more with Helena. I find it almost offensive this notion that friends are expendible only because they are not happy, chirpy, positive folks living charmed lives ALL the time. And, no, everything isn’t about ‘US’, many moments like these are about ‘THEM’.
Seems we Have become a society of me, me, and only me. What am ‘I’ getting out of this relationship? What is it doing to ‘me’. ‘Negatvie nellie’ is bring me down, gotta cut her loose. Think about it, what if we treated our marriages like this?
So glad I have dear friendships, some of over 40 years, that have stood the test of time through the peaks, through the valleys – and to know they will always be there for me as I have been there for them – very much like my husband and I feel about each other – through good times and through bad.
What a joy these loved ones have brought to my life!
Hi Gio,
I can understand your reaction here. Perhaps I did not clearly communicate what I intended to communicate. I believe we all have highs and lows, and we can be good friends to each other by recognizing and supporting that.
However, there comes a time when we need to recognize when a relationship is unbalanced and limiting our ability to care for our own needs.
There was a time when *I* was chronically negative and difficult, and I know it dramatically impacted the lives of everyone I loved because everything was all about me. I am grateful for the people who set boundaries and took care of their own needs, because that’s a big part of how I learned to do that for myself. It wasn’t always about judgment (though some people did judge me). Sometimes it was an act of love.
Lori
You did clearly communicate this. Perhaps others see themselves, and are uncomfortable.
Exactly Lori, good post. I used to cry myself to sleep trying to figure out why I can’t please my mother. Then I realized through speaking with other people that I worked with, its NOT me, its her. She refuses to see or even try to deal with her OWN negativity. She blames everyone else for her troubles but will not even try to help herself.
I’m so sorry to hear about your painful relationship with your mother. I’m sure it wasn’t easy to acknowledge that it’s not personal, but I know from experience how life improves when we stop trying to please people for whom we’ll never be enough.
Hey! I thought I would never find another person facing the same “issue”. My mom is constantly critising whatever I do and doesn’t care about badmouthing my friends or my now fiancè! She seems she depends so much on me.. and to me she comes across as being jealous.. and even though I always say next time I ll keep my temper.. unfortunately I always seem t lose it and at this point ok I think its my fault. But she never seems to like anything I do. And she constantly says “u always do whatever u want and u dont listen to me” and Im so frustrated since its my life.. yes I ll do what I want! She drives me crazy. No matter what I answer to her either calmly or angrily she has something to answer back and ofcourse its always something to show that she is right! Sorry for the rambling or my english, im not native and maybe ur mom isnt like that but from ur answers i felt a bit that i could relate to what u were or are still facing!
I can totally relate to your story. Id like to suggest that you take a look at Cloud and Townsend’s “Boundaries.” They are christian psychotherapists. Im not christian myself and I dont have a specific religion, but that book was incredibly helpful! For instance, they wrote about a mother and daughter’s relationship, where the mother would show up unanounced to the daughter’s house where she was living with her little kids and husband. The daughter was hella busy as she was and when the mother showed up, she (the daughter) felt like she needed to attend to her mother’s needs, even though, the mother didnt announce of her coming to visit, because the mother would sulk and guilttrip her daugher by claiming that she (the mother) was lonely and that nobody wanted to spend time with her, not even her daughter. Woman, you came unannounced very often! This was the depiction of the daughter’s situation at the beginning of the book. But at the end of the book, the situation was totally different. When the mother had come unannounced, the daughter told her – sorry im busy with other stuff. If you want I can make you some tea and you can just sit, chill and read a book. Well, she didnt say exactly that, she just told her mother that she didnt have time for her now. The mother tried to guilttrip the daughter as usual with her trickeries, but this time the daughter was firm in her answer: if you wanna spend time with me, then call before you come so I can make time for you.
The book gives great advice on how to create boundaries and many many other things.
And at the same time the argument she uses every time is that she cares about me and she wants whats best for me. And then she feels that everyone is against her and that i always put others before her! It literaly makes me insane! And i dont want to live my life trying to please her or having her criticize everything i do.. or me and my fiance does!
I know what you’re trying to say Lori, we all have bad moments and days, but there are people that just have a negative outlook most of the time. My boyfriend for example, he starts to talk about government issues and things we don’t have much control of, and makes me feel impotent and sad about the future. I know it is good to be realistic, but oh man, when you have someone making you feel like there is a huge dark cloud above you. It sucks. When you are a doer not a talker, it’s easier to feel in control of your life. Unfortunately negativity is easier to grasp than positivity. I rather see the positive in everything. Life is too short. I love to inspire others
my father has the same: the government is crap, the bureaucracy is crap, taxation is crap. Since he is an manufacture owner, he feels like the state should be grateful to him and that he gives place to work for people. I havent figured out what to do yet with him, as I work with him, but in all honesty, his negativity is just like vacuum: it’s sucks the joy out of me. The thing is, he almost never has anything nice to say about anyone or anything. Always negative and negative reinforcement. I think one day ill just tell him that Im gonna listen to him for 15 min ranting about whatever comes to his mind and then we need to change the subject (of my choosing, preferably)
I came across this article because people always have a negative reaction to me, i go out of my way to be helpful and encouraging but no matter what i do i am judged harshly and called spiteful for setting boundaries or saying no. Everything my mom says about me is negative, and she is very negative towards me no matter how much i help her succeed, and she never says thank you. I am the only child ahe treats this way. Whenever i get to a breaking point and am overly emotional because i get treated so unfairly i am labeled sensitive, and told i need therapy, and told im the negative one, that i should just let things go. I dont understand how this is turned on me. I had a hard childhood and all i do is try to help others the way i was never helped, to be there and to be non judgment and to give advice when asked. But it is never reciprocated, when i have a problem people refuae to talk to me saying that im always angry even when im not. And that gets me super emotional because it makes me feel alone and like im being taken advantage of, i often like my feelings dont matter to anyone else. Does this make me a negative person? Because i dont feel like life is hopeless i meditate and i have dreams and goals that i am trying to achieve and i genuinely want to see others succeed. I just dont know what im doing wrong and why those qho hurt me have no empathy or compassion for me.
This is about constant negativity and there are many people out there that can’t see themselves properly to know that they are one of those very people. Good luck, I am sure you and your miserable self will be “happy” with one another. Count the rest of us out!
This is an extremely negative thing to say to Gio who was merely expressing her opinion; oh, the irony!
actually…i think if you ARE one of these people, you KNOW it. You just dont know how to get help for it or dont know how to CONTROL it……………a tiny discreet nudge is all it takes sometimes. A change of subject, maybe, or just a simple “its a beautiful day today!” kinda comment . It works unless the person is also a complete narsiccistic all about theirself soul. In most cases , this just isnt the case, most negative people just need a nudge of positivity or encouragement
NO not with my mother, lol. She looks at me as being the Negative TROUBLE maker in the family. Its funny because everyone that I’m around on a daily basis and people that I have worked with always tell me that I’m a very friendly, positive person. Therefore I’m so confused when I deal with my mother. Why do I have so many problems with her but No one else?
ya, im also the trouble maker in the family according to my mother. other people tell me that im kind, positive, empathetic, funny, etc. A little while back i just thought maybe I was tripping and losing my mind from this double reality. Now I just see the it’s her and the way she sees me
Thank you, I think I have slowly become one of these people through my life experiences. I am aware of it and I worry about being like a big drain hole on the many friends and family who love me. I am very aware of it and so I try to push my hopelessness aside and fight it, and have also increasingly isolated myself from loved ones and people in general partly out of guilt for bringing them down with my unwanted misery. When I talk to them I make a conscious effort not to be too self centred and to try to find light hearted cheerful things to say. But I am truly in a dark place and if I am not honest with these people then who? I know they are tired of me and don’t know how to help me anymore but that they would feel terrible if I didn’t reach out to them for contact and something happened to me. But they have their own busy lives to lead and I understand that I have to be responsible for my own mental health. I fight it every day and I wish I could be a merry friend to my friends. I love them very much but I also envy their ability to cope with life’s ups and downs. I try to count my blessings and be grateful but most of the time I feel so sad that it hurts to look at others. I am retreating from the world and I hate that I possibly seem like a negative friend. I am medicated, have had a psychologist, psychiatrist, Long term GP, been hospitalised, been in groups and worked hard on myself. Also just tried the power of positive thinking. At the end of the day, I would say to my family and friends, just please be kind, understanding but positive, and try to be patient with me. I, and others like me , don’t intend to bring you down, bleed you dry or take away from your precious happiness. Thanks for listening. Kel69
I think you need to make yourself your best friend. Be your own friend before you can be other’s friend. Love yourself and accept yourself before you can do it with other people. Yes, it can be difficult and uncomfortable, but everyone is imperfect and everyone deserves love and to be loved. Kel69, it’s such a beautiful feeling to extend your love not only to your beautiful and acceptable parts (what’s acceptable anyways), but to extend your love to those parts that are scarred and hurting.
Well said
you’re welcome
Exactly, when you have to deal with a family member, day in and day out that is so TOXIC its draining on your energy. My husband and I got to the point where we didn’t want our OWN children being raised in this environment. We want them to see the POSITIVE side of life.
It’s not that “we’re can’t see ourselves properly. It’s just that we’re all human, and we need to recognize that people like you are mentally and pathetically and narrow-minded disgrace of human beings. Stop thinking from your imaginary world, and get with the real reality, and stop insulting others, it’s pathetic coming from you. Keep your 75 IQ to yourself. You should look in the mirror, and see yourself for the human garbage you are, and stop harassing everyone. A lot, and I mean a whole lot of people, are better than you. Please! You’re so sad it’s actually funny! ROFL 😂
It’s just as selfish to expect other people to put up with your crap all the time. Know when to handle your own problems and/or see a therapist.
and thats why there is so many suicides……….because some awesome people like yourself just cant take the time to give a simple word of encourgement, then say “later”…rather than chalk them up as useless and worthless….
That’s total BS, BeenThere. Suicides are never the fault of others. It’s 100% the choice of the individual. Blaming it on others is one not taking credit for one’s decisions.
Blaming other people for suicides is the sign of an abusive person. And it is selfish to demand constant emotional catering from everyone around you, just because you can’t be bothered taking responsibility for your own well-being (and before you clutch your pearls and claim you have x problem which means you’re so special that you can’t possibly take responsibility for your own well-being…knock it off. Yes you can.) Expecting the world to revolve around your ‘pain’ is narcissistic.
Okay, I can’t take this bullshit. I hate myself, I mean ‘hate’, I hate how the world is, I hate how people are. I have a therapist but it only helps short-term. I don’t tell anyone because ‘this’ is exactly how I think everyone will think of me, but I listen to other people… even when I fucking keep quiet people judge me, so I skip school, rarely go outside and see friends less and less. I don’t expect the world to revolve around my pain nor do I want that. I don’t expect my friends to ‘have’ to care either. But believe me I can’t resolve this. This ‘will’ sound narcissistic, I live for other people, my mom, friends, family,… I’m not blaming anyone, and I probably don’t like myself enough to kill myself. I accept me telling myself I have to resolve it by myself, but don’t you fucking dare tell that to other people, I can not stand assholes like you. People who don’t take care of their own well-being don’t think they deserve it, them asking help from other people is their last bit of hope clutching onto whatever it can, if someone asks help from you and you give them the finger I blame you if they kill themself.
What is your joy? What touches your heart? What is the fantasy that you long for? Hold it in your mind and heart as a light against the darkness until it comes. Love it with all your heart and soul and trust your mind to bring it to you.
Agreed 100% but how do you get your own mother to even believe that she has these issues and get her to a Therapist?
tell her that you want to go to therapy with her (family therapy) because it would help your relationship, help you? This is what happened in my own family. She refuses to go to see therapist by herself, but she’s alright to go to family therapy. The therapist should be able to help from there. So, basically im suggesting kind of tricking her a little bit. That is, if you can open up to her in therapy (all kind of stuff might come out) and then still be able to face each other outside of it.
By the way, I dont go to fam therapy with her. I just cannot get myself to open up to her, because the relationship is unbalanced. So, when I share vulnerable info with her, she doesnt do the same, so it’s almost like im hostage to her and at her mercy, since she has vulnerable info about me. However, im going to a therapy of my own, so it’s cool.
When my sister was in the 5 (!!!) grade and we had recently switched schools she had a hard time fitting in. She told that to our mother. At the heat of an argument, my mother just yelled out at her “no wonder you have no friends!” basically blaming her for the fact that my sis had no friends, like she was being inadequate in some way.
They are (energy) psychic vampires, imagen having a nice morning, I come to you with all my problems, you have to change your mood to agree or to be empathetic to me, so once you cheer me up I feel better and I leave, now you don’t feel so happy. There I stole your happines so yes it is about these negative people, they like to drain others.
Exactly Helena, you hit the nail right on the head and people like this can become so draining on your personal adult life. It got to the point that I just gave up and said unless my mother wants help, I can’t help her.
i can give you an example of negative. I have never known my ex to be happy about anything. always something to gripe about. now to stay out of her view. now that makes me happy.
It’s not about judging someone else’s struggles. People who constantly nag and complain are negative people. Those who never see the bright side of anything are negative people. If you struggle with something, there are millions of ways to take care of your problem. Voicing and venting to any and everyone is NOT the answer. Posting on social medias on a daily basis is NOT the answer. All it does is irritate people. Especially when those negative people actually have things going for them but only want to focus on the negative aspect of their life. They may not have a job but have their health. They don’t have a significant other but they’re able to live life regularly. There are some people who are healthy, have healthy children, a job, a car, working limbs who still find something to complain about. If people were more grateful for having life or simple things like a job, a home, anything, their lives would be more meaningful to themselves.
I think that the problem with what you and some others on here think, is that you are ignoring the fact that some “negative” people may be suffering from clinical depression. This not a choice for them. You can’t just “think positive” your way out of it. Even if they do have good things going for them it does not mean that they are choosing to be miserable. Plus even if they don’t have clinical depression they might have a perfectly good reason to be upset. They might be dealing with issues that remain unspoken. For instance, what if a woman is being emotionally or physically abused? Would it be helpful at all to say “Well, stop complaining, your legs work fine.”
I do like a lot of the inspirational websites like this one, however I think that the new age concept of “being positive” all the time is flawed. It puts unfair expectations on others so when they are going through a hard time then they can’t even acknowledge it without someone critisizing them. They have to hold their emotions in check and suffer alone.
I have bipolar disorder and the best thing that anyone has done for me was listen without judgment. There was a time when the only person I had to help me was my dad. Now I have found other ways to help me cope such as support groups, in addition to medication. But according to you even support groups are wrong. I feel sorry for you. The basis of spirituality is empathy and love, not judgment.
Hi Mary,
I hoped to communicate in my post that we all need to take care of ourselves, so while it’s important to be compassionate and non-judgmental, we also need to set boundaries for ourselves. I know when I was at my most negative and depressed (and on six medications, including antidepressants, mood stabilizers, and sedatives), I would have dwelled on everything I felt was wrong, unfair, or painful for as long as someone would have allowed me to do it. And it would have been unhealthy for both of us. I wasn’t always sharing my feelings to get help, but rather venting to get pity and company in my misery (partly because I associated pity with love).
While understanding and compassion helped a great deal, I had to get to a place where I was willing to make some changes in my life. I had to do the very difficult work of healing and letting go. It actually really helped me when people refused to feed into the destructive habits I’d formed because it made me realize the consequences of not learning better coping skills.
Now, if someone had been cruel, insensitive, or judgmental, that wouldn’t have helped–but I ultimately appreciated it when people acknowledged when I was creating imbalance in our relationships. It helped me realize there was a different, far more fulfilling way to relate to people–and that I could do that if I became healthier within myself.
Incidentally, I wrote a post about positive thinking that you might find interesting:
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-positive-thinking-didnt-work-for-me/
I think you made a great point about empathy and love. Perhaps the question we all need to answer for ourselves is: How can I be loving and empathetic without enabling someone in a way that ultimately contributes to their staying stuck?
Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts!
Lori
Thank you Lori for your nice response! This is Mary still. I am having trouble posting my response so I am using my old Disquis account
I actually do get a lot of what you are saying, my reaction is mainly towards those who have a completely negative view of depression. I do agree that it is up to the person to get help for themselves. One thing though that many people miss is that when you are in a bad place it is extremely difficult to see all your options. What may seem a small step to a normal person could seem like a chasm to someone who is depressed. One thing that does bother me a great deal is when people think that my behavior is manipulative rather than looking at the fact that just because something is easy for them, that it isn’t to me. Now that doesn’t mean that I can’t help myself, but frankly sometimes people can be cruel to others when they do not make an effort to understand.
I worked for seven years as a peer supporter at a mental health center so I do understand the value of self-help. At the same time I was always respectful of where people were at the time. I mainly ran support groups. Quite often when people first came in they were a complete mess. They would cry about things that normal people wouldn’t. At that point I would adjust my expectations because I recognized that what they needed the most was not for some person to tell them they were wrong. They needed a place to unload before they could even begin to take in any kind of advice. They also needed to be in an atmosphere where all their feelings were ok so that they could learn to trust.
Is it realistic that friends and family can always take on the role of supporter? Probably not. But it can be cruel to reject someone simply because have challenges that others do not. I have experienced that myself with certain members of my family. I recognize that actually there is something deeply wrong with them because I have never been a burden on them and have rarely asked for advice. They seem to be offended by the fact that I have a mental illness period. This is very different from setting boundaries like you are talking about. In fact as I have gotten better I now realize that they are the ones who are always negative, because they want to blame their problems on me. I think it is very telling when someone insists that you have to change and then when you do, they throw more flak at you! So now I have been the one to put the brakes on their behavior and they don’t like it one bit! This has resulted in a possibly permanent rift that I do not want but feel I have no choice in the matter.
Sorry this is so long. I did pop over to your link and found it very helpful. I agree that it is not a good idea to force yourself to feel positive, but rather find a way of nurturing it instead. You thinking parallels mine and if you are interested I have written a few blog posts on that vey subject.
http://www.bipolarlessons.com/2013/03/22/are-negative-emotions-unspiritual/
http://www.bipolarlessons.com/2013/03/23/does-positive-thinking-play-a-role-in-recovery/
Congrats on recovering from depression! You are an inspiration.
Hi Mary,
I think it’s wonderful that you offered your services at a mental health center and offered such kind, supportive care to people in need. I know from my experience that there are plenty of people in the mental health field, professionals and volunteers, who don’t treat patients with that type of compassion and understanding. And I understand what you mean about the difficulty of seeing your options when you’re depressed. Sometimes the tiniest effort can take all the energy you can muster.
Thank you for the links to your blog. It does seem we’re aligned in our thinking!
Lori
Great response, Lori!!!
It is absolutely fine to suffer depression. “Fine” meaning, it happens and at the best of times we can’t control it. I have it, but honestly, I don’t whine and b*tch and complain to everyone around me. So, I have depression, but I’m not a negative person. I live with a moody, negative man. We’ve been together 4 years. He also has depression, but his method of venting is emotionally abusive. We’ve discussed it, I’ve forgiven, I’ve tried to help, I’ve been understanding and I’ve not judged, even when I was called a “dumb c*nt” and ignored for 5 days while he shirked all of his responsibilities and left me in a lurch taking care of the household and little ones by myself.
I think the point of the article is that showing compassion, empathy, love and patience to someone who is negative takes a lot out of a person. IF his/her negativity starts to drain you and affect you, it is SMART of you to let them go. We aren’t put on this earth to appease everyone around us. We have a life to live too and we deserve happiness.
My limits are nearly reached. I fought for 20 years to manage my own depression and my boyfriend is bringing me gradually back into his hole because he won’t see beyond his own “cruel cruel world of self-hatred”. If he weren’t draining me and neglecting his responsibilities and our relationship, I would definitely be more loving and non-judgmental. He cannot or will not help himself and THAT is where it is INTELLIGENT to let go of a toxic person.
I think that a lot of people who feel misunderstood (myself included) tend to focus on one or two sentences, and rush to get their rebuttles in before reading the entire article, thinking about what the author is trying to communicate and formulating a thoughtful response.
How about you Negative Nellies trying to LEARN something from the article instead of taking instant offence by mirroring your experiences with the author’s post? Yeesh.
Hi Mary
I thought I would share this with you and that you may find it of interest.
I think that whilst it may be difficult for some people to break free from their negativity cycle for reasons outside of their control, sometimes, it is a habit. Please, note I am not talking about everyone, here.
Our bodies respond to our thoughts and if, for years, we fed them with negative thoughts, some of these bodies probably have become junkies for the neurochemicals that are released each time they were triggered by a negative thought. They create more neuroreceptors for the chemicals (hormones) that are released the most and because there are more of them, one may need the drug more and more often to get to feel “normal”. That’s because the neuroreceptors ask for their dose of what they were created for. Cheeky nature!
Next thing you know is that we are stuck in this pattern which has probably been fed, by some, as long as they can remember. There is oftne a good reason why they feel a certain way, even if such reason happened 30 years ago (please note I don’t mean to sound insensitive of people’s circumstances as I am referring to my own situation here).
As a result, doctors may prescribe drugs mimicking our hormones to counterbalance the chemical party that is happening inside such bodies.
My view is that if the hormonal unabalance exist as a result of our own doing maybe we can filp it back? If the chemical unbalance is genetic, there’s no harm trying to help nature, since when we understand how it works.
So, here is a good news, habits can be broken! It’s like having an unhealthful diet. Your body may be chocked by the change, request its dose of whatever it is used to, ….but ultimately one’s mind can be stronger. It may take time- remember sometimes we’ve been feeding these habits for a lifetime- and require willingness, work and strenght and even with this, it is likely not to be easy. But things that are worth it are not that easy anyway, right?
The main difference I’ve observed between people who announce their goals and reach them as opposed to others is their motivation and the effort they put into achieving such goals. They really beleive in the outcome.
I think beleiving in achieving one’s goal is a great starting point. And , in this case, what is the worse that can happen by trying to also focus on the positive things that happen to you?
Here is my current (kind of) story/regimen:
– Ackowledge and feel the negative emotions (pain is not an emotion, it is pain and can hurt like hell. I think that whatever its magnitude though, it usually decreases when the cause is dealt with).
– Identify the causes of such negative emotions.
– Determine a plan to outgrow the above.
– Establish a timeframe to kick-off the plan (like, okay that was (not) fun. Time to move on!)
Time helps, but I can also help speeding up the process by approaching the cause of my emotional ordeal from different angles. It try not to focus on the reasons it is hard to deal with, but striving to emulate those who get stronger from such experiences. It does not mean I stop feeling the bad stuff, but maybe don’t dwell on it that much and also remember to feel the good stuff too.
Now, the weird bits:)
I am currently trying to reconnect with my mind and body.I decided to show compassion to my body as I have not treated it with the care it deserved and understand that it has rebelled. I am “talking” to it, letting it know that I care and showing it such care. It is a special body, it’s mine. We’ve establised that it hears our thoughts, so I have to be mindful of those.
I speak to my mind, as if it was a different entity. I also show compassion towards it but I show less indulgence to it than to my body. I understand that it has probably learned to ‘respond’ a certain way due to whatever circumstances. But, I let it know that I am ready for a change and that I want to respond in a more positive way to circumstance.
My mind is cheeky, it wants to do its own thing. Well, I used to let it do its own thing so now, we fight sometimes. Nothing bad, I acknowledge the thoughts that I don’t want or don’t agree with and ask it why it comes up with such things? I remind it what I want and that it has to change its ways. I still ruminate but more and more I bust out the negative thought that arose by a thought that is more in line with what I want. And, the negative emotion that goes with the negative thought vanishes with its daddy. However, if I happen to linger on it, it’s like it is feeding itself and the relating emotions last longer. Well, practice makes perfect.
I switched off my phone most of the time for the last couple of months. I’ve also been watching, reading inspirational resources. I used this time to recharge and start the background work for a change. I touched base with some friends to reaffirm my love and care for them during this time. I sometimes had a break from my ‘retreat’ by catching up with some of them. During this ‘break’, it was easy to identify those who left me drained and those who left me uplifted after talking!
I’ve also noticed how, when I was not available because of my own circumstances, some took it personally because of their own needs and did not seem show understanding that I needed to take care of myself.
Draw your own conclusions. Mine is, smile to life so it smiles back to you.
if you have depression or other issues affecting your brain I don’t think she was talking about you. There are legitimate medical issues that can affect people’s thinking. I think the article was talking about people who don’t have disorders, but are just negative people
So if someone has chronic pain and impossible to cure, they are negative coz they constantly complain about pain?
I agree!
Yea who the hell wants to be around people like that… they’re vampires..energy suckers
They are not worth time..they are abusing and using you for distribution of their negative behavior. Tell them to go to a shrink
You sound very negative. 🙂
u have probably not undergone depression or encountered depressed person/s so far… negative are those who constantly discourage or criticize others unnecessarily or look down upon others; and not the ones who try to vent out their frustration or anger or hurt by talking about it all the time or posting it on social media.. all that they want is a friend who can empathize with them and listen to them with their open heart instead of giving them unsolicited advice
I agree, sometimes we just can’t act all happy, and faking it would certainly not help. You can’t jump from a feeling bad place to a cheery place, just like that. You have to cross some bridges, from anger, to frustration, to irritability, to boredom, to hope, and finally somewhere near happiness (thanks Abraham). So expressing those negative emotions is sometimes really recommended, just not hanging there for too long.
I didn’t get judgement out of the article
Only miserable people who have got that. Let the dead bury the dead….
Dear Helena,
Thank you for your insightfulness, compassion and love.
Don’t be a sh*thead, wet blanket was my interpretation.. 😉
Well said and so eloquently so!!! kudos to you and your friend – keep up the good work and positive attitudes inherent which will only serve to help healing with your friend…….good soul, God bless
If you look above and see the word Best then Community I invite you to click on BEST and choose NEWEST instead. The thread under best is full of enablers and whiners. It is probably a lost cause but sometimes negative people need a mirror held up to them as they do not see themselves as they project onto others. Know thyself! Try some personal growth work. You probably don’t even think you are stuck with mental paralysis.
We are dualistic in nature (like the movie full metal jacket). It is natural/neutral/nature/default. To experience the bad and the good. It is a creation when you choose the way it occurs and is no longer default.
To accomplish a problem being solved you can look at a column full of the diapleasing tasks or a column of solutions which may work.
Defaultly it happens like thay with people. They focus on all the unpleasent stuff. The negative. The stuff that has nothing to do with solutions. Then they have so much thought about it, they actually can if your not careful, replace all your internal dialog about anything and everything so… you can know exactly why .15 cents more per spark plug is going to ruin the world. Or how detaily messes up it is to fight for a budget because their husband is abusive. Y
The TMI train. But like, full of details upon details of arduous stressful facts and aspects of a seemingly obscure or gossip filled way.
There is a process abraham hicks explains. When your giddy and stoked. You accomplish faster. But it turns out all successes and solutions occur from focusing on alienating those stressful details and focusing on just solutions.
The negative suffering ones are stuck unaware of a difference between the stress based facts and catagorizing and implimenting solutions.
When you get the perfect burrito. Jorge made it perfect. That taste and happiness is as unexplainable as how lucky we are to have something as valuable as sunshine. There is no way you could earn that. Its awesome.
When people get stuck being negative it means they will start framing words and phrases to match their opinion and thus is a devious way to reframe things you are thinking of.
In places you don’t choose your friends this is the norm. Racism and gangs make hate profitable and the more depressed people the easier it is to sound like mcguilla gurella without people challenging you.
Then it takes decades to find out you and everyone below 19 is prettymuch physically equal and the more you escape the negativity or antisolutions the insanely fast you grow. Until 34-45. Then only some are strong but defaultly the strong can not survive without total alienation of the negative around their ability.
This is the source of people saying you can’t do it. Cause they “can’t”. They don’t see a difference between arduous stressful actions and solutions to be implimented while excited.
We have failures and that will haunt us for ever and speaking about that may give us some relief. It is better, if we speak that to ourselves or to GOD. If we constantly talk about that, other people would be greatly depressed; and it will come to a point that nobody would be happy to be around us.
totally agree with you
I really find it sad that you’d justify your negativity towards people. We all have ups and downs in our life, and no one told you to hide your ”empty cup” self from people. But don’t come to people and start being aggressive to them like they were the reason you missed that good job opportunity or whatnot…
I don’t think Helena was justifying negativity. She was trying to be compassionate towards a negative friend who she thought needed help. Calling someone negative is subjective. Yes, it may be the truth but it’s usually a form of opinion. I’ve had a group of friends label me as an energy vampire for complaining, all the while, they were complaining about their work, family, friends and boyfriends every time I saw them as well. Funny because I’ve shared the same problems with other groups of friends and I’ve never been labeled as a negative person. Where is that balance? Not many of us have compassion to embrace negative friends. I know I don’t. Sometimes, we are quick to judge and hastily cut people out of our lives without giving a second thought and I think that’s what Helena meant. Perhaps, you should be honest with yourself first and say what you want to say to the person you want to say it to instead of taking it out on the wrong person online. There was no mentioning of Helena being aggressive to people like they were the reason she missed that good job opportunity. If I were you, I’d ask your friend directly why she started being aggressive like you were the reason she missed that good job opportunity instead of making delusional assumptions.
I so agree with you. Depressed people are made to feel bad because they are negative! Would you blame a man without a leg for limping?
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I had a customer come in yesterday. She was drunk and rude, lit a cigarette in our non-smoking restaurant. As politely as I could I asked her to put the cigarette out because it was GA law….a state law. She said, “Fuck you! Shut up!” She drew as much smoke as she could and blow it in my face. Two days ago I probably would have smacked her silly. But I knew it was coming and held my breath. I smiled and told her the put out the cigarette and stop acting childish. She said that if she had to put out the cigarette she’d leave without paying. I told her that I would simply call the police to extract the needed payment for the bill. She didn’t put out the cigarette and continued to be difficult. I finally told her that she did not have permission to make me feel bad. She got angrier. She finally paid the bill. As soon as I got the money I told her that she would not be allowed in the restaurant again and to take her childish self somewhere else. She wanted a fight out of me and I refused to budge. She’s a sad individual and I hope that she doesn’t own a car because she was not fit to drive. I think she headed out on foot.
I don’t know if I could have done better but if she’d done that 2 days before I might have an assault and battery lawsuit to answer to. I thank the youtube videos of Eckhart Tolle for getting me through that and up to that level of patience.
On the lighter side as I went around the counter to spray air freshener I saw she had dropped a $10. I know a few homeless people that would enjoy a hot lunch.
It sounds like you were admirably calm and kind, and I’m sure it wasn’t easy. I’m sorry you had to deal with that situation, but I’m glad it gave you a case study of sorts to share. Thank you for sharing your story here!
Thank you for this. My mom is a “hoarder” (a la reality TV style) and my husband of 9 years is also trying my patience. I searched how to deal with difficult people just to get some tips on how I can deal with it and this was the best advice by far! Thank you…very insightful!
Hi Lesley,
I’m glad that you found this post helpful. This seems to be a topic that’s relevant to most of us. I hope your family is trying your patience a little less!
Lori
I just got a link to this site and read this article. I am greatful that I was lead to it at this time. My husband has been very negative and angry lately and it has been making me feel so hurt and angry also. Thank you for the great tips on how to deal with him. I will try to remember that he is hurting inside and that is why he is lashing out at me and everyone else. I will remember that even though I can’t control him, I can control my reaction and keep myself positive no matter what. Thank you so much!
Hi Betty,
I’m so glad you found this post helpful! I hope your husband starts feeling better about things soon. Happy holidays =)
Lori
Your friend sounds like an Enneagram 4. Not sure whether you have heard of this system, but well worth a look in helping to understand people.
This article came about at the right time for me. I tend to be the negative person who stresses out about everything. But recently I have been put into the listening end of the conversation and I don’t know how to react or say what should be said as to not hurt someone’s feelings. Very nice website. Thank you.
You’re most welcome, Bob. I’m glad you found this helpful!
[…] best example I think one can set is to quit all of the negative talk and gossip, whether it be about others or yourself. Spread only kind words! -Amy […]
[…] this bill is not worth your time, ever. It amazes me how many people continue to spend time around negative people who bring them down. Life’s too short. Choose […]
Wow, so many folks here treating other people’s unhappiness like it’s a crime they’ve committed. What a stunning collection of spoiled, middle class sociopaths. How about another post about how to deal with people who only see the emotions of others in terms of their own convenience?
“To the European, it is a characteristic of the American culture that, again and again, one is commanded and ordered to “be happy.” But happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue. One must have a reason to “be happy.” Once the reason is found, however, one becomes happy automatically. As we see, a human being is not one in pursuit of happiness but rather in search of a reason to become happy…” ~V.E. Frankl
“…man’s suffering is similar to the behavior of a gas. If a certain quantity of gas is pumped into an empty chamber, it will fill the chamber completely and evenly, no matter how big the chamber. Thus suffering completely fills the human soul and conscious mind, no matter whether the suffering is great or little. Therefore “suffering” is absolutely relative.” ~V.E. Frankl
[…] and rather passive aggressive. Compassion is a more constructive way, even if it can seem tricky. This post on Tiny Buddha gives good […]
Hey Lori!
I understand if you’re forced to endure another persons bad energy, but I think above all of these amazing tips to deal with it, I think when possible, a complete severing of the relationship may be in order. In the past few years I’ve become much more aware of what energies people give off, and I definitely enjoy my time more when I’m with people with a positive mental attitude. However, Very insightful suggestions! Thanks for your positivity and light!
Hi Mike,
Thanks for bringing up a great point. I agree that sometimes it’s best to just walk away. I think these ideas might be most helpful with difficult coworkers or family members–people you either can’t completely sever ties with or love and just don’t want to.
Thanks for commenting!
Lori
Great article, wonderful clarity. We often think about compassion as being something we give out and so we give it to others, but this post clearly demonstrates the importance of distributing compassion, therefore using it both for ourselves and others similtaneously.
This is s great post which can be used upside down and inside out! Thanks you Lori for this I shall pass it on x
You’re most welcome! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts. =)
This is so true. Something interesting happened just yesterday in my life.
My friend was really upset, she was crying. I decided to try to maintain as positive of an energy as I could, without becoming disconnected from it. I sat there and just let her cry. I didn’t justify it, or fight it. I just let her do it. Eventually, she just started smiling at me. She got out all of her bad emotions without me judging, and that was it. The power of acceptance is strong!
As always, this was a timely and compassionate post, Lori! I do agree with some of the comments that sometimes so-called “negativity” (or admitting that we’re having difficulties) isn’t a problem, but I think this article is more about people who are consistently unable or unwilling to make the changes that would make them happier.I also agree with the comment that sometimes we have to look to see why we’re attracting that kind of energy and what we’re getting out of the relationship. I have a friend who has struggled with depression and anxiety for the 15 years that I’ve known her and it’s very hard for me to know that I can’t really help her. She has to help herself. I find myself getting judgmental, avoiding her, or giving lots of unsolicited advice that’s obviously never been helpful to her. Just yesterday I remembered my own blog post (!) about accepting people for who they are, and realized all I can do is wish her well, be there for her, make sure I don’t give away too much of my energy, and explore other friendships with people who are more proactive in seeking their own joy. Thank you!
You’re most welcome! That’s exactly how I often feel with my friend. It’s tempting to want to “fix” everything. Then I remember times when I’ve spiraled into negativity. The only thing that really helped was my own willingness and desire to change.
Sometimes negative or irritating people become that way in response to the way you’re presenting yourself. I have a friend who recently ended our friendship because she felt I was critical of her. The fact is she completely dominated the conversation with me, me, me, and my response to feeling ignored was to criticize. Unfortunately I did not address this problem head on and was actually grateful when she wanted to end the friendship.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I can relate to what you wrote. I’ve been in friendships where I felt something but didn’t communicate it. I think whenever feelings like that bubble under the surface, they end up causing resentment. It sounds like it’s a good thing you’re out of this friendship. Did you ever get a chance to tell her that you felt she dominated the conversation? Perhaps if she knew it would help her with friendships going forward.
Agreed! Depression can also be a form of self-centeredness (in a roundabout way – and I say this as a sufferer of depression), and I do think that if you’re not getting as much out of the friendship as you are putting in, depressed friend or not, you will gain a lot more away from it!!