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How to Release and Prevent Resentment in Your Relationships

Friends

“Never apologize for showing feelings. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” ~Benjamin Disraeli”

We often experience resentment toward other people when we find it hard to forgive them and hold onto unspoken pain.

Whenever we feel we’ve been treated unfairly, judged, or wronged, we have a very powerful internal reaction.

The emotions we experience are strong. We feel them intensely and deeply, because they challenge us to reassess the self-image we hold of ourselves.

The unexpressed painful emotions we experience as a result of other peoples’ actions have the potential to transform into resentment if they are not released in a healthy, effective, and timely way.

Resentment lives inside us, feeding on our negative feelings and emotions. It becomes stronger the longer it is ignored. It can mutate and develop into a warped veil, which prevents us from seeing the world from a healthy, balanced perspective.

If left unresolved, resentment has the power to be all consuming, and is very effective at fuelling anger.

In turn, unexpressed, internalized anger is a ticking time-bomb which can lead to abusive or self-destructive behavior, or a combination of both.

Resentment is a very personal and private emotion, as it has almost no effect on the person it is directed toward.

It resides with its owner, and causes negativity and pain.

Given a conducive set of circumstances and enough time, I can experience resentment on a powerful scale. I believe this is, in part, rooted in my formative years. I was brought up in a home where expressing strong, “negative” emotions was prohibited.

I grew up believing it was unacceptable to express hurt, disappointment, frustration, or anger toward the people who evoked these very emotions in me.

By the time I reached my teen years, I had unwittingly yet wholeheartedly perfected the internalization of painful emotions.

Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.

Whenever anyone hurt me, intentionally or otherwise, I would simply deny my emotions by storing them in a box inside me labelled “deal with this later.” However, later never came. What did come was resentment toward the people who’d hurt me—that and anger.

At the time, I saw this as a kind of pay-off. “If I keep my feelings hidden and unexpressed, then I don’t have to risk jeopardizing the quality of my relationship with this person.”

In truth, I was terrified of rejection.

This fear fuelled my reluctance to express my pain to the people who’d hurt me. Ultimately, the person who I ended up hurting the most was me.

As a young adult I began to reflect; to try to understand how my behavior, reactions, and choices were affecting my overall well-being and happiness in life.

At first, I felt weak for not being able to consciously override my existing behavior patterns and simply create newer, healthier thought processes and actions.

I wanted more for myself than a life limited by my own self-imposed parameters.

It took a lot of honest and thoughtful self examination to begin to realize, understand, and accept what was preventing me from living a life free from bitterness.

After years of denying myself the full spectrum of my emotions, I resented anyone who stirred powerful, “negative” feelings inside me. My resentment toward others was intrinsically linked to my own inability to express painful emotions.

Looking back, I feel that if I had expressed myself more truthfully, I would not have clung so desperately to the resentment and anger. I also believe I would have welcomed forgiveness and been able to enjoy closer relationships with others more readily.

Everyone needs to express themselves. This is not a luxury; this is an absolute necessity.

To be fully free and completely ourselves, we must feel comfortable enough to outwardly express our emotions, whatever form they take.

If you are experiencing feelings of resentment, here are a few tips that may help you to let go and move forward:

Express yourself

When we deny our feelings, we are denying the truth. What kind of life are we living if we are not living truthfully?

Allowing ourselves to feel our full range of emotions is not only liberating and necessary, but it also helps cleanse us of negativity which we may be subconsciously holding on to.

Many of us are conditioned to see emotions as “good” and “bad.” To regard the complexity of emotions as either black or white belies the learning opportunities which are embedded and disguised in experiencing them.

For example, jealousy could be regarded as a “bad” emotion; however, if we open our minds and hearts, we could also see that this emotion is our own personal doorway to learning more about fear, trust, and connection.

When someone hurts us, intentionally or accidentally, we have a responsibility to ourselves to express our pain.

This needn’t be self indulgent or pitiful, but an understanding that it is our right to express that pain in an effective, healthy manner which helps us to let go and move forward.

The next time you experience a strong emotion such as fear, hurt, disappointment, anger, fury, or panic, try using this simple mantra:

“Right now I feel (INSERT EMOTION). I give myself permission to feel (INSERT EMOTION) because I have a right to express myself and my emotions.”

When we stop trying to control our feelings, and start embracing the colorful way in which our hearts communicate with us, life begins to teach us our most important lessons.

Communicate your feelings

It takes huge strength and courage to express and communicate our pain to the people who hurt us. In doing so, we expose our vulnerable side—the very part that we want to protect and keep safe.

But when we communicate painful emotions, we take a step outside of our comfort zone and into a wonderful learning and growth opportunity.

The next time someone’s actions hurt you, try telling them how you feel. For example, “When you raise your voice, I feel scared and disrespected,” or “When you ignore me, it makes me feel unappreciated.” Choose the right words to convey your feelings.

Try to express yourself from a calm and balanced frame of mind. Your words will have more effect if you are able to express them from a strong, healthy standpoint.

Remember that you are doing this for you. It may also help the relationship, but your main motivation for communicating and expressing your feelings is your commitment to living a truthful life, free from resentment.

Practice forgiveness

Forgiveness is your own personal honor. The ability to wholly and truly forgive is one of the greatest gifts you can ever give yourself.

Forgiveness sets you free from resentment’s confines; it breaks down the walls that anger builds and negativity reinforces.

When we forgive, we stop letting ours pasts dictate our presents. We acknowledge we want the very best for ourselves; accepting that our past makes us the person we are today, and embracing that.

Letting go of resentment doesn’t necessarily lead to forgiveness, but when you embrace forgiveness, resentment ceases to exist.

When we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger, more confident, and more aware.

We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.

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  • Court0516

    Fantastic post! I loved every word – but the one line that completely resonated with me was, “Resentment had found a comfortable home inside me, neighbored by my reluctance and fear of expressing myself.” Wow. I read that line over and over again. 
    Thank you for your thoughtful, honest and inspiring post!

  • Jameilla

    I am sobbing reading this article. I was hurt but wasn’t able to express the pain I felt… I don’t know if I ever get a chance to tell him. :(

  • http://twitter.com/AlannahRose Alannah Rose

    What a great post – there are so many important points here!  I completely agree with your comment that it’s important not to deny our feelings, and that they aren’t “good” or “bad”.  So many of us feel that we have to hide the emotions or feelings that we’re taught are negative, and I love your mantra for giving ourselves permission to feel and express our emotions.  We do have a responsibility to express ourselves truthfully.

    I really enjoy your writing style – I’m so grateful that you shared this article on Tiny Buddha!

  • Anonymous

    Hi, Thank you for your kind words! This was exactly how I felt at the time, and I am so thankful that I figured out how to change it, let go and move forward. Very hard, but definitely worth it! :) Sarah

  • Anonymous

    Hi Jameilla, I can really empathize with your situation, as I went through something similar with an ex. In that circumstance I had to find a healthy outlet to express my pain, whilst knowing I could not directly express it towards him. With time, I worked through my feelings and pain and completely let go. It made it harder of course, but in the end I was so much stronger for it :) I hope you can work through your challenges in a way that is right and healthy for you. Sarah

  • Anonymous

    Thank you very much Allanah! Your words are very supportive and much appreciated :) Yes – we certainly do have a right to express our emotions. It’s not always easy, but the more we believe in the importance of self expression, truthful living and forgiveness, the more peacefully we can live our lives. Thanks again :) Sarah

  • Vanessa

    What an absolutely beautifully written post! And it couldn’t be more true. I was in a situation over the summer where I couldn’t express the hurt I felt from an ex. And because I most likely never will, I had to find the strength to let go of that resentment for my own self. This only began to happen when I stopped pushing my feelings away and instead, embraced them. I am in the stage now where forgiveness is pushing its way in little by little and thus, I can feel the resentment starting to lift. Letting go is an incremental process and its important to treat it as such. I love the line “when we commit to expressing ourselves fully, we become stronger”. Its so true and the most important part is expressing to ourselves and not denying our right to feel what we feel. Thank you for writing this!

  • Anonymous

    Hi Vanessa, thank you so much for sharing! I’m really glad that you were able to relate so well and that the article helped you. It takes so much strength of character to work through all the intense emotions and feelings at the end of a relationship, especially when you have been really hurt. But it sounds like you are definitely on the right road to letting go and moving towards a really healthy place. I like your point about letting go being an incremental process – very, very true – but something that we can easily forget! Thanks again for your feedback and insight! All the best for now, Sarah :)

  • http://loveforsuccessfulwomen.com Janet Ong

    Sarah, this is a wonderful article with so much depth and truth.  I was also taught that emotions were good or bad and to hide the “bad” ones.  After many years of hiding these emotions, I’ve learned to fully express myself.  When I do, I feel more authentic and connected to the person I’m communicating with.  Thanks for sharing your message with us! 

  • http://droppingtheact.blogspot.com/ Taryn

    Resentment has been a big issue for me in the last little while. And you’re right – it all stems from me not expressing my feelings. Thank you for the guidance on how to let go – I think there are some practical tips that can definitely help me in the process. :)

  • Anonymous

    Thank you very much Janet! That is so admirable that you have been able to learn to express all of your emotions, especially the ‘bad’ ones! I am always striving to do this, knowing that the reward is feeling a more authentic, true person :) Thanks again Janet! Sarah

  • Anonymous

    Hi Taryn, thanks for your feedback :) Working through resentment with self expression, honest living, communicating your emotions and forgiveness is the best way I have found that works for me. I hope these tips can help you too! Take care, Sarah :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002921822462 Andy Collyhurst

    I am just beginning     …   i am sad and lonely …. i have no friends my family do not speak to me .. i have created this life but it is not the life i wanted … friends family partners strangers …all have hurt me one by one ..and now i am alone …. the future is bleak  the present is bleak the past is bleak … i see no light … i believe the bad, like the good will pass … but is see no end at the moment … thank you for your words .. i find some solace in them … but i am just beginning … i have not left this place yet ..

  • Anonymous

    Hi Andy, thank you for sharing. I’m really sorry to hear that are going through such a tough time. It’s hard during testing and challenging times to trust that things will get better, and that there will be ‘light’ again. From my own experience I can relate to these feelings you describe, and no matter how doubtful I felt at the time that things would not get better, they eventually did, with lots of support from trusted family and friends. The tiny buddha website and community on twitter and facebook is also a fantastic source of encouragement, inspiration and simple wisdom when it comes to self development and personal growth. I wish you all the best in working towards building a better life for yourself. Take care, Sarah

  • Vani

    This is such a great article – many of your points have hit home. Thank you.

  • LadyTamborine

    Sarah,
    Great article!  I love how you remind us that resentment “has almost no effect on the person it’s directed towards – it reside within the owner”.   This is sooo true.
    I too can experience resentment on a grand scale, and most likely for the same reasons as you, inability to express strong emotions in previous relationships.   
    But I have to say this… (Not that I endorse resentment) -but I truly believe that the residual effects of resentment can be used to fuel change. 
    One could kind of liken resentment to the usage of gasoline.  The usage of gasoline is not good for the environment – but when it is being used; a lot of great things are being done.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Vani! Thank you very much! I’m really pleased the article resonated with you :) Sarah

  • Anonymous

    Hi Ladytamborine, thank you for reading my article and also for your feedback! You raise a very interesting point about resentment being fuel or change. I can positively say that my dealing with and learning to let go of resentment has improved my life and taught me a lot about myself and how I can be a better person. So, you are absolutely right! Thanks for your insight! I appreciate your words :) Sarah

  • guest

    wonderful article and i ran across it by accident at such an appropriate time, as i deal with the resentment i have toward what i thought was a close and dear friend. i essentially expected too much of her in being there for me and in just being a friend…and felt resentment when she was not there at a critical time in my life. i am reminded that expectations only hurt and that it was ok for me to communicate to her how i felt about it without feeling guilty or bad for what i felt (even though it was a year later). this article rings true for both relationships and friendships.

  • Anonymous

    Hi there, thank you for reading and for sharing your story :) I think it is natural human nature to expect and want our friends to be there for us during hard times, as we would do for them, as this is how we bond with our loved ones – by sharing our experiences, our hardships and helping each through the dark times, as well as celebrating the good times too, of course :) It is healthy however, to asses your expectation level and keep it in perspective with everything else that is going on – with you and also with her. You are absolutely right about it being ‘ok’ to express your feelings to your friend, no matter how much time has passed. Its a very important step towards fully letting go and making peace with past events which hurt you. And even better that you were able to do it without feelings of guilt. This shows huge progress. All the best on the rest of your journey :) Take care for now. Sarah

  • Minami

    I read your article and immediately practiced what you said. I am very grateful to you.
    Thank you Sarah.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Minami, that’s excellent that you were able to use what I wrote about and put it into real life practice! Thank YOU for reading my article. I’m glad you enjoyed it :) Sarah

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  • Life4me8

    How can you express your feelings to someone who walks away when you share how you feel?

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  • Brooklynborecua

     in an email message?  however, don’t EXPECT a response, which doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t get one.  It should be written by you for YOU to move on.

  • Anonymous

    Hi Life4me8, Thanks for your question. In your situation, it may not be
    possible to express your feelings towards this particular person, but it
    may be useful to consider the timing and circumstances of events, i.e.
    Does this person walk away during a heated argument? Do they walk away ANY time you try to tell them how you feel?
    Has something changed in this relationship, where they used to listen
    before, but not anymore? Are you expressing yourself and your feelings
    from a calm, collected standpoint?  I would also echo what Brooklynborecua said, ‘by you, for you’. Remember that you have no control over what other people choose to say and do, only your own reactions to them. Choosing to express your feelings towards someone who has hurt you can be a very useful tool in helping let go of resentment, but it is not the only way. Forgiveness has incredible power when it comes to letting go of anger, resentment and negativity. Its probably the hardest part to do, but it also has the biggest reward; one which pays exponentially. You can still act in a gracious, self honourable, self respecting way which will take you further towards being an even better, stronger person. Take care for now, Sarah :)

  • Sammom4k

    You are not alone.

  • Bonanza

    I was in an unhealthy long-term relationship with a young woman I thought I was going to marry, and she broke up with me three months ago after blaming me for all of her problems. I haven’t talked to her since, and my thought process has been, maybe she’ll grow up and realize what she’s missing and how much she hurts and uses everyone in her life. But I want to be able to forgive her and let go so that I can move on with my life. She’s the kind of person who makes rash, emotional decisions and then ends up regretting them. Even if she does come back to me, I want to be in a grounded place so that I can make rational decisions without my emotions playing a part. I haven’t been able to let go completely, and even if she does come back into my life, I don’t know if I could even trust her again after what happened. I’m feeling stuck! 

  • Bonanza

    I should also mention that I really do have everything going for me, and she is a user who is going to have to face reality sooner or later. Not to make a competition out of it, but I can’t figure out the situation or why I can’t let go of someone who so blatantly doesn’t care about me. 

  • Bokkers

    What if the our release of emotions causes bad things around us. Which teaches us not to let it out in that way or not let it out at all. Or when it comes to new relationship that resembles the same, we will embrace it but this time with fear of releasing real emotions as the past has give us a very bad side effect.

  • http://www.adsyou.com/ شقق للبيع في الاردن

    Great article!  I love how you remind us that resentment “has almost no
    effect on the person it’s directed towards – it reside within the
    owner”.   This is sooo true.

  • Solarkitty

    i agree with most of this but i don’t think it’s fair for people “express themselves fully” when it causes other people distress and anxiety.  ex. my husband going postal, screaming at the top of his lungs at me. when he is angry, i rather he suppress those feelings.

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  • niko v

    the same thing happened to me i ran into this one by accident and i was feeling like crap. This is something worth noting for me. 

  • niko v

    I thought this Article was absolutely wonderful. I posted this on Facebook already!

  • Deepak

    Thank you so much

    I love the last line: ”
    We cannot control what other people do, but we can control how we
    react. When we practice truthful living, self-expression, and
    forgiveness, resentment simply has no place or power in our lives.”

    It is going up on my wall so that I can remember it everyday

  • Beth

    I needed to find/read this article. My daughter has left my home after assaulting me and I am heartbroken and resent her actions since and the family who took her in. She has no respect for me or the rest of the family but has much respect as she calls them her new family. She is 18 and I have no legal recourse to bring her home. I am emotionally in pieces. The roller coaster ride is devastating.

    I practice yoga and meditation and have been through many spiritual healing, the hurt she has caused me emotionally over the years and the two assaults are too much. I thought when she was arrested at 15, spending 8 days in juvenile detention and probation she would look at the love and compassion we shared in raising her, just to turn around and do it again.

  • Jubiejewels

    Ok, so what if I DO do these things and it doesn’t matter to the man, and he turns it back on me,like it’s all my fault and hurts me more?

  • ggn

    Forgiveness is a quality I have yet to learn and resentment is something powerful in me, if there was a way to truly forgive my ex for everything he did to me, would it help in letting him go? Without resentment? How do I take those steps or when is it an appropriate time to do so? I have a lot of trouble forgiving a lot of the damage done to me, I have yet to forgive my rapist, forgive the family members that strove to hurt my mother and sister throughout my childhood… I’m starting to think I really do need a therapist. :/ 

  • Kelliefaceup

    wow!  the fact that u r sharing is big.  Thank u for ur courage.  i found this site by accident and at a moment where i feel the same.  I would of never shared.  But here I am. Seeing some light and knowing that this to will pass. Begining to c things…
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  • scarlett

    Thank u 4 a magical article that moved me. I have acted like a victim my whole life being submissive to family members and friends who would use and hurt me.
    i need to learn to communicate and take my power back. i cut out manipulative people out of my life and moved to a new city&got a new job. But whatever you resist persists lol so after a break up,illness and change of career im learning to value myself!peace and love xx Scarlett

  • Sdaniels1011@gmail.com

    Why even after reading this I still feel so much hurt,anger,pain and a bunch of other feelings I dont know how to put ib words……I feel so much resentment for a loved one and finding it very hard to let go and even be happy in life…sad I know :(

  • Guest

    This brought me to tears of happiness after nearly a year of searching for something to articulate my self-imposed prison. Thank you for showing me the steps towards setting myself free.

  • Lisa Ambers

    Excellent blog here! This post truly made my day. I learned plenty of new stuff right here! Best of luck for the next!

  • mungry_soldier

    I’ve always restricted my feelings and found it as a form of lying to myself, conflicts are inevitable and this article made me happy by assuring me its okay to admit to feelings, they do pass over with time. When it comes to relationships with other we forget the most important relationship, the one we have with ourselves.

  • MathildaMoon

    Very good point, kitty. I’d imagine he needs to read the “communicate your feelings” part of the article. Ha! Not funny, really. I can relate because I’m resentful towards my bf and even more resentful that if I were to try to communicate, it would end up with him “going postal”. Talk about resentment spiral. Good luck to you. (It helps me when I remember to approach him with love, if that helps.)

  • frustrated

    so tell me, what do u do if you communicate your emotions but the other person dismisses them and pretends that you are acting irrational or too sensative…and multiple times?

  • hana oni

    i want to know the same. i have regretted so many times expressing myself :( i was mocked at that time and again and again. it hurt. i can’t express myself to him anymore. i just can’t do it anymore :’(
    Someone please give us the answer to this. some sort of solution……i don’t want to let go. neither my resentment nor my relationship…..i don’t want to let go. :( what do i do to save my relationship?

  • insight

    Dear Frustrated and Hana Oni,

    Let me share
    with you my insights. I believe what I want to share with you, may be useful
    for you. I would like to start with a single tool I discovered over a decade
    ago, it is the power of writing on the paper everything what you feel. “You
    have got to be willing to experience whatever you feel. The second we are
    unwilling to experience our own emotions… we begin to run from them. And once
    we start running… it only gets worse. As deep and dark as they may be… . It
    doesn’t matter. Experience them. And you will be free…” ~Jonathan Budd.

    You know
    yourself best, no one ever will know you better than yourself, no one ever be
    your better friend than you are for yourself. If you deny your own emotions
    because someone else belittle them, you are betraying your inner self. Protect
    that inner you that is crying for your attention, please never ever let
    somebody to tell you, that you are “too
    sensitive”. The question is not why you are so sensitive, when somebody asks
    you that question ask them, “why you are so desensitized ?” What made them so
    ignorant toward other people’s feelings ?

    Let me explain why
    is it so important to not let anyone discriminate your feelings.

    If you check
    statistics or ask well experienced psychologist/counsellor (e.g. check this
    website : http://emergingfrombroken.com/dealing-with-people-who-talk-down-to-me/
    ) you will realize that most of problems
    with self-esteem of children come from parents being total ignorants of
    children feelings. You will realize that this is exactly what is being told to
    people ( “do not be so emotional” etc. )
    when they were children and now they have low self-esteem. Person who discriminated your
    feelings, in 99.99% was ignored in the past by someone else, but this is not a
    reason to pass that Karma on you. I was raised by people who discriminated and
    ignored me in any possible way, by giving me feeling that I was ‘’nothing
    important’’. They impregnated me with thoughts that something was wrong with me
    ‘’being too sensitive’’ to hide their act of brutality and ignorance toward me.
    It worked very well for them, they achieved what they wanted, they made me a ‘’silent
    vegetable’’ grown as they liked me to be not who I was, it worked out as a
    disaster for me… Deep inside I knew that I was not too sensitive, but I had a
    feeling they are doing things they should not be doing to me. But it was too
    late, they made me think that my feeling are a bad thing, they made me think I was
    bad. I betrayed myself at age of 17, by deciding to hurt in silence, to hurt
    myself rather than tell people who were hurting me to stop… I survived, when I
    was lying down on hospital bed sleepless for 3 days I made a promise to the source
    of my beliefs. I love life today so much, I promised myself over 13 years ago
    to truly love myself and never again let anyone by any means pull me down. I
    gave those people a second chance, waited another 13 years in silence for them
    to change, ‘’maybe a day will come, they will respect me for who I am, maybe they
    will respect my feelings’’… That day never came.

    Do not wait
    until you lose your life ( like me a decade ago), so you can realize how
    precious gift it was, to realize that you chose wrong people to be around. People
    from this blog, like me, complete strangers, someone who has never seen you,
    never heard about you are offering you more time and attention that someone who
    you think is ‘’close’’ to you ? That is not fair ! The moment when complete
    strangers offer you more compassion than the people you chose to be around, it
    is time for a change. A month ago I said goodbye to people who raised me, after
    moving out from them 13 years ago I gave them a second chance by staying in
    touch. I gave them 13 Years to improve, to treat me better only to realize they couldn’t. It only got
    worse. A month ago I realized I wasted
    another 13 years of my life by allowing those people to be in my life. They
    pulled me down for those years, I waited, I waited, I waited for them to
    respect me, to ‘’approve me’’. It was the hardest thing in my life to say good-bay
    to them, a lot of guilt came after, a lot of stress, but now those emotions of ‘’little
    me’’ are a past, now I truly feel who I am, how valuable person I am. I have
    never seen that before, I was not allowed to… Please never ever let somebody
    to discriminate how you feel, that is your right, when somebody doesn’t accept
    the way you feel probably feels guilty of something and doesn’t want to change
    anything in his/her behaviour.

    When you regret
    expressing your emotions because someone made you feel ashamed of them, it doesn’t mean there is something wrong with
    you, the person you chose to share your emotions with does not deserve a minute
    of your time. Once my beloved woman told me that “maybe there is something
    better waiting outside of our relationship for us”. It hurt me…, but I loved
    her so much I wished her well, I told her that I understand. We both accepted
    our point of views,… it made us even closer. She said, no one ever has made
    her feel so much understood. Today we love each other more than ever. You do
    not have to agree with each other, but what is ‘’a must’’ acceptance of each
    other. If someone truly loves you, will listen to you and accept your feelings,
    they may not agree but this is not important. When someone does not want to
    hear how you feel, they do not care about you, and if they do not care about
    you, what are they doing in your life anyway ? Please do not repeat my mistakes
    I almost paid with own life.

    The ‘’resentment’’
    part… There is a reason for resentment… it protects us from being hurt
    again or it is ‘’protecting’’ us from changing our own behaviour. Let me
    explain please.

    You may feel resentment
    when someone discriminated your feelings, because your subconscious mind is
    protecting you from sticking your hand in the same burning flames again, it is
    a natural process. You can heal it by e.g. writing about all that you feel on
    piece of paper and sharing it with person who hurt you in first place ( or keep
    the letter for yourself if you are not ready, but this method is less effective
    ).

    The second type
    of resentment is when someone said to you something that you know you are doing
    wrong or knowing it is a true, then you may feel resentment towards that person
    in exact proportion to your own subconscious blame toward yourself ( for doing
    or believing in what has been said). I will give an example, for years when
    someone ‘’ignored me’’ not even being aware of that I felt deep anxiety toward
    every person who did not show sign of massive respect toward me. In this case,
    resentment is a gift, an opportunity to shift your own believes about yourself
    or your own behaviours. If you heal that part of your soul, then you will no
    longer feel any anger in the future if it happens again, because you will know
    this is not true. Example :

    For years I
    felt like ‘’no one important’’ deep inside, after people I was around made me
    feel this way, so every time someone was playing on that string of my wounded
    soul I used to hurt. Until I wrote to my parents a 120 page letter about all my
    feelings, about how bad they made me feel for all those years, that I disagree
    that ‘’I am an idiot, that I am a thoughtless being,…’’, I wrote to them who
    I think I am, I straightened to them, I wrote “I am a very valuable person,
    shame you have never seen that.”, this
    time I was not counting for their approval. I was right to let them go from my
    life. Put those people to the test, if they care about what you feel, they
    deserve to be in your life because they not only care about how they feel, but
    also how you feel, that is true friendship, that is true love. I have sent that letter for myself. First time
    in my life I cared about how I felt. Expressing your feelings is for your own
    interest, your own wellbeing. If you do not, they will erupt violently like a volcano
    one day. Please do not wait 13 years with sharing what you feel, to only find
    out someone has not cared at all about you for all those years. If they do care, they will do everything they
    can to make you feel better, if they do not, they will say something like “if
    you do not like the way I treat you, you can leave”.

    Put those people to the test by sharing your
    feelings with them no matter what they
    are, explain you do not want them to agree but at least to listen, that it is your
    right to express feelings, that it is very
    important for you, when they ignore you it is not about you, it means they have
    just failed a test of privilege of being in your wonderful and precious life.

    Please surround
    yourself with people who build you up, who make you feel wonderful, who truly
    support you. Ask your inner self, it will tell you who those people are. If you
    cannot hear inner voice, it is highest time to stop suppressing it, be the best
    friend to your ‘’little me’’. If I may suggest, I spend couple of hours every
    week to talk on paper to my inner self. Ask questions like “ (your name), what
    do you truly think about this ?” And write everything your souls tells you,
    even if it is the darkest thought. I
    promise, you will be amazed how more confident you will be after some time,
    when you know you are your best friend, when you give yourself time to listen
    to yourself, so you will not have to ask everyone around what they think. When
    you are the best person to be your friend you are no longer afraid of being
    lonely, because you are enough. You will no longer be desperate to be with someone
    because of fear, but because you choose to.

    There is
    another simple tool, that always helps me with decisions : “Never do to others what
    you would not like to be done to you.” It is so powerful, it shall give you
    instant boost of confidence. How it works: Let’s assume someone just ignored
    your feelings and you have a dilemma if you have a right to be hurt or they
    should apologize and so on… . You imagine yourself doing to them what they
    just have done to you and you are trying to imagine their reaction. For example
    you said that it hurts you when the other person is doing something. The other
    person says ‘’do not be so sensitive’’, and you find yourself in pain. You do
    not know who is right or not. Do the same thing to the person who just
    mistreated, then say ‘’do not be so sensitive’’ and you will find out if they
    own you an apology or not. I try to
    always ask the question “The way you behave, is it something you like me to do
    to you or you were not aware of what you were doing ?” Example from my life : In my letter to parents
    I asked them if they liked when they parents called them ‘’a thoughtless idiots’’,
    and if not why they called me this way. It not only made them think about the
    way they treated ‘’beloved son’’ but also healed my wounds ! I no longer feel
    anger towards them ! After 30 years of resentment I no longer feel resentment towards
    them because I said everything I wanted !

    My way to heal
    resentment ? Express everything about it, you can write or talk (writing a
    letter gives you a chance to express everything you want to say ), otherwise it
    will bleed in your life anyway. This is one of the best quotes about the
    subject, it made me send that letter to my parents (the toughest thing in my whole life ) and I can say with my hand
    on my heart, it worked for me and done wonders. I felt horrible going through
    those emotions but after my this ‘’open operation on my soul’’ I feel like a
    completely different person : “You can accept or reject the way you are treated
    by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue
    to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs,
    with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through
    and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your
    hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the
    memories, and make peace with them” ~Iyanla Vanzant

    Please do not
    take anything as a advise, only you know what is best for you. I have just
    spent over two hours writing this ( Second language,I am sorry for any grammar errors. ), if the ‘’close’’ person you choose to be
    around is giving you less time, less understanding, it is seriously time to
    consider if he/she is really a ‘’close’’ person.

    Blessings

  • jill

    I strongly believe you would find it useful to re read the long post above, which helps you to examine whether the person you are with is worth having in your life. Sometimes, even if we believe we love someone, it is healthier for us to accept that the relationship is damaging and its time to let it go. You cant make someone else be the way you want them to be, if you are telling someone how you feel and they arent listening or trying in any way, then examine the relationship truthfully. Good luck.

  • Nick L

    I totally get this. Very nice article. You have a way with words and your introspective and analytical nature show as well. Thank you.

  • stephanie

    Thank you so much for sharing your incite. Without it I would be lost. It’s a very simplistic answer that makes total sense. I was just too scared to see it. This is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I’ve struggled with living in a foster home with constant argumentation and disgust towards me. I had emotional neglect my whole life. I struggled with major self injury that put me in and out of hospitals for 8 years. Now I can see I need to express without fear or anger, for myself to move on and become strong. Its one of the most vulnerable situations i’ve ever had to put myself into because of how much protection i’ve put up subconsciously. With this method and following Buddhas incites I can clearly understand what I need to do.

  • Summer

    Wow. Thank you so much for this post. It helped me A LOT. I’ve always struggled with repressing my feelings because of how people reacted to them and you have given me a whole new perspective. Thanks again for sharing your story.

  • William

    Waooh!

  • http://www.facebook.com/arunvikash Arun Vikash

    The fear of rejection and experiences of rejection has filled my life with fear and psychological pain, I have always turned my back on my emotions and never truly spoken my mind, eventually this has been resting like a stone on my chest which paralyzed me and made me a puppet which feared to be human.The way you have expressed every detail and pressed upon is of great positive influence. I have read many articles and solutions, been searching for so many answers and believed I could find and resolve it, but still those answers did not resolve anything. Until now I can truly say God has finally answered my prayers by reading your reply. The depth of your exposure of past experiences has made me aware I am not the only one and that the solution for my problems really do reside in me. The solution that I need to express myself, I have heared this many times. But it seems I needed someone to truly show the depths of their own pain so I could really start to let go of the fear to express myself. I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing your message. It takes great courage to face your fears, but now it seems so simple to just be human.
    (I am sorry if you do not understand, english is not my first language). May you be blessed, always.

  • http://www.facebook.com/rebecca.gray.5851 Rebecca Gray

    Thank you so much you sweet woman. Xxxx

  • hanaoni

    Thank you :) so so much :) I thought that i was still a 14 year old(I am 21), just cause i “felt” too much! i thought i was immature to have so many feelings. I may not be mature enough but, my feelings aren’t the reason for it.

    I stopped talking to him. I let go, just simply stopped talking. He didnt hold on to me. Didnt call once. I used to run around him. I expected a lot in return. I realize now, i was wrong. But don’t we all expect something in return?

    I have written journals before….and it does help me. But, I can’t have my mom reading them and judging my feelings…..cause she does judge them. So i stopped writing. I am not on my own feet, so i can’t move out(with my parents’ acceptance or otherwise).

    I can’t thank you enough :) its been 2 and a half month since i stopped talking to ‘him’ but my thought are still in chaos, so i cant type much.

    Thank you :) Hope u have a wonderful life :)

  • emotional

    Interesting article I don’t think you could necessarily
    always have resentment toward another person, what about having resentment
    towards yourself. In other words you can tell someone how you feel what if the
    other person doesn’t acknowledge those feelings in the way that you would like
    them to. Then the resentment stems from you because you feel like maybe you
    shouldn’t have expressed those feelings to that person or maybe you’re
    expressing those feelings to the wrong person. What should you do? Do you continue to beat up on yourself for
    having shared how you felt with the person? or do you just accept the fact that
    maybe you just shouldn’t share your feelings with that person?

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Paul-Teevan/100000248796791 Paul Teevan

    Not very useful when the person won’t own up to what they did and just throws crap back at you

  • jelissa

    So tell me y I feel so anger in the inside. A lot of things has gne wrng for me in life. I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel I need 2 talk with someone about this b/c ill b mad about somethng in take it out on somebody dat hasn’t dne anything 2 me

  • Lostfound

    Thank you so much for this perspective. It really helped me to deal with a current situation that I’ve been struggling with and answered complex questions about my upbringing. This message was right on time.

  • going crazy

    this was so helpful..was now feeling as if i was going crazy due to the mixed emotions i was facing caused by resentment..thank u for the post am glad i came across it..now i have a lot of energy to begin solving my resentment problems…

  • dresden

    I think it is important to realize that this article would be better suited for suppressed individuals, like the author, who internalize all of their feelings instead of expressing them.

    On the other end of the spectrum are individuals (such as myself) who indiscriminately articulate, as much as we feel…every nuance – be it anxiety, paranoia, insecurity, dissatisfaction, etc. And because it is so easy to mix up how we feel, with what our mind is telling us, we sometimes over-express ourselves in the process. And while this MAY lead to a release of our own resentment, it often builds up resentment in the other person- something that would be equally destructive!

    With reference to another article on this site – http://tinybuddha.com/blog/how-to-maintain-a-healthy-relationship-when-youre-depressed/ “Your mind may try to convince you that this incident you’re so mad about
    must be sorted out immediately. But before you do, ask yourself, is
    there a chance I’m a little flat?” <– For those who have pointed out that expressing themselves has
    resulted in them being silenced, I wonder if this is the case?

    Ultimately, I feel that we do still need to to achieve a balance of expression, and of internalization – recognizing when it is a feeling that should be expressed, and when it is a feeling that should be dealt with on our own.

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi Dresden, thanks for posting. You raised some very interesting points which give more food for thought to this discussion. In choosing to share my personal experiences and challenges, I am aware that many will relate, and also some others may find different approaches useful, so thanks for sharing the above link! Tiny Buddha is such a wonderful site and community, with so many amazing guest contributors, and I am so happy to have been encouraged to write and share my insights. Thank again for your comment!

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thanks for your comment. I am glad that you were able to take some inspiration from the article! All the best, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thanks for your kind words Lostfound. Choosing to face and deal with complex questions about our own pasts is always hard, but it shows huge courage on your part. I hope you got the answers you needed. Thanks again.

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi Jelissa, I am sorry to hear that you have been having a difficult time recently. Whilst I enjoy writing and sharing my own experiences and challenges here on Tiny Buddha, I cannot offer professional advice or support. Perhaps you would benefit from talking to a trained professional who can give you the support you would like? Take care, thanks.

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi Paul. Thanks for posting. Given the complexity of relationships, I think the subject matter of this article may only touch the surface of the particular relationship you are involved in. Also, its good to remember that we can only be responsible for our own behaviour and actions. As mentioned by another commenter, perhaps in this situation, you would find it beneficial to first look at the quality of this relationship and whether it is healthy, mutually respectful and allows you the freedom to express yourself without fear. I think that may be a useful starting point, and then take it from there. All the best for now, thanks.

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there, thanks for posting. I have been in this situation myself many times, and asked myself the same questions. What I came to realise though, is that more than anything, I owed it to myself to be truthful and honest, to myself first of all. That is always the starting point. In regards to my relationship with myself, the need to honour my own values was stronger than my fear of repercussions of expressing myself to that particular person. I don’t think its a case of a black and white choice, as you need to gauge each decision in the moment, its more about deciding what is most important for your relationship with yourself. If you are acting with integrity, self-respect, and honouring your own needs, then any decision you make will most likely be a healthy one. I wish you all the best, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thanks so much Rebecca for your lovely comment :) xx

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there Stephanie, thank you for sharing a part of your story. It sounds like you have taken a huge step in actively choosing to move forwards, and recognising some healthy ways for you to begin doing so. I hope that you have the right support in place to keep you in a safe place, and to make decisions without fear of judgement or risk to your sense of balance. I would love to hear how you are getting on with your journey… feel free to send me a message on my blog (link in profile above). Take good care of yourself, and all the best. Sarah x

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thanks for your kind, kind words Nick :) I hope you enjoyed the article. Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thanks so much for sharing you story, insights and wisdom. For the original commenter who had been looking for ‘answers’, I believe your post may have been hugely beneficial in guiding them towards a positive way to approach their current situation: with love, self-respect and learning to honour their own needs. Thanks again for taking the time to share your beautiful words :) I’m sure you have inspired many readers. Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hello mungry_soldier, thanks for sharing. I couldn’t agree with you more: ”When it comes to relationships with others we forget the most important relationship, the one we have with ourselves.” Good luck for your future, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi Lisa, aww thanks so much for your kind comments :) Take care, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thank you for sharing. I am honoured that I was able to help you in some way, from sharing my own experiences :) All the best for your future! Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there, I am sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time. You may find it useful to read the above comment by ‘insight’. Some excerpts include: ”If you deny your own emotions because someone else belittles them, you are betraying your inner self”. ”Please surround yourself with people who build you up, who make you feel wonderful, who truly support you. Ask your inner self, it will tell you who those people are.” ”Protect that inner you that is crying for your attention, please never ever let somebody tell you, that you are “too sensitive”. The question is not why you are so sensitive, when “somebody asks you that question ask them, “why you are so desensitized?” What made them so ignorant toward other people’s feelings?” Good luck on your journey, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there Scarlett, thank you for sharing your comments. I wish you every success in learning to value yourself, in what is one of the most significant journeys you can take. Do take care of yourself, Sarah x

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there ggn, thanks for sharing a part of your story here. In the first instance, I would like to reiterate Lori’s statement on the tiny buddha homepage: that whilst the articles here support personal and self development, they are not a substitute for professional help, where necessary. If you would feel comfortable, perhaps you could talk with a trained professional who can offer you the right kind of support in working through some of the difficulties you are facing? I truly wish you the best recovery from these hard times that you have gone through. Do take care of yourself, Sarah xx

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi Jill, thanks so much for sharing your insights. I love your comment, ”You cant make someone else be the way you want them to be, if you are telling someone how you feel and they arent listening or trying in any way, then examine the relationship truthfully”. This is always an excellent starting point for looking closely at a relationship and ruling out where any self-deception may be at play. Thanks again, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there Beth, I am so sorry to hear about what you and your daughter have both been through, as individuals, and also as mother and daughter. I am also sorry that words alone cannot mend any damage or help to ease the pain of what you and your daughter have been through. As I have mentioned to some other posters, perhaps it would be a useful step to talk to a trained counselor who can offer you one on one support? I wish you all the best in your healing journey. Take care, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thank you very much niko! :)

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Thank you so much Deepak :) Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi Solarkitty, thanks for sharing. I agree entirely, whilst expressing yourself fully,(which may even be a private thing), this should not be confused with doing it at the detriment of hurting another person. When you are honouring your own needs, and valuing your promise to yourself to live a truthful, sincere and honest life with self-respect, you will, by default, be acting from a place of love. Love for yourself, and love for the people in your life. I hope you find it useful to read the other comments on here. Take care and all the best, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi, thanks for your feedback :) All the best, Sarah

  • SarahLouiseGess

    Hi there Bokkers, thanks for posting. Perhaps you could read some of the other posts here, which talk a lot about similiar situations which others have also experienced. All the best, thanks, Sarah

  • Guy seeking advice

    I’m having issues with my relationship with my girlfriend.
    I “used” to be a positive, outgoing person whom would be able to laugh, smile and make jokes much much easier.
    And I would just accept and deal with the little issues of hers – when she got annoyed with me, when she didn’t want to show affection sometimes, and her friends created issues for her some days.
    all these things I understood because people are different and are all built to react differently and can’t always be 100% happy.

    slowly but surely I was holding back on how I’ve felt when it started become a habit of hers and I could sense she was down. So over time, I became a more serious, mature person to help me convey my advice better and it’s got to a point where it has consumed me.

    I can’t laugh as much, can’t smile as much, and yet I love this girl so much? and I haven’t been this happy in a long time.
    People say I have changed from how I was…

    I have been experiencing stress at school as it’s my final year. But I would like to know if the way I’m acting is the consequence of resentment and holding all my emotions back?

  • Roxanne

    I want to say a big thank you for the good work you have done in my life and that of my friend Peggy, for helping her to get her job back and others you have helped in one way or the other. What more can i say, please keep up the good work and thanks a million times for bringing my partner back to me, and for the sake of those that will love to contact him, you can contact him via email ihumudumupriest@gmail.com. Roxanne

  • Roxanne

    I want to say a big thank you for the good work you have done in my life and that of my friend Peggy, for helping her to get her job back and others you have helped in one way or the other. What more can i say, please keep up the good work and thanks a million times for bringing my partner back to me, and for the sake of those that will love to contact him, you can contact him via email ihumudumupriest@gmail.com. Roxanne

  • Hurting like crazy

    What a truly thought inspiring article!
    I have made a huge mistake and been abusive to my wife!….believe it or not though I actually feel some resentment towards her by because in my insecure mind I believed she treated me unfairly …how stupid is that! We have been working on trying to save our marriage and I am attending a repair course…..I do love my wife dearly.
    Over the past few weeks we have been trying to save our marriage. I feel that one problem we have is with her friend who is trying to persuade my wife to leave me” he will never change”quote…….
    My question is I would like my wife to spent some time away from this person as she is very negative and I feel this causing pressure us both. As a result I actually feel resentment towards my wife because she refuses to stop seeing her. Part of me thinks this is me being controlling however another part of me sees the logic in my thinking…”I really don’t want to be resentful and wondered how best to deal with this feeling.”..

  • anna

    Hello i am Victory ,I am out here to spreed this good news to the entire world on how i got my ex love back.I was going crazy when my love left me for another girl last month,But when i meet a friend that introduce me to prophet mukula the great messenger to the oracle that he serve,I narrated my problem to Prophet mukula about how my ex love left me and also how i needed to get a job in a very big company.He only said to me that i have come to the right place were i will be getting my heart desire without any side effect.He told me what i need to do,After it was been done,In the next 2 days,My love called me on the phone and was saying sorry for living me before now and also in the next one week after my love called me to be pleading for forgiveness,I was called for interview in my desired company were i needed to work as the managing director..I am so happy and overwhelmed that i have to tell this to the entire world to contact prophet mukula at the following email address and get all your problem solve..No problem is too big for him to solve..Contact him direct on: prophetmukula@hotmail.com

  • KittenCream

    I am on the other side of the relationship. I have said my partner is being irrational.
    This is the advice I would give to sharing your feelings more effectively:

    If your partner says you are being sensitive and irrational, analyze why. Maybe you are screaming or throwing a tantrum. It helps if you distance yourself from the situation. You can both agree on some key sentences such as “Dear, I need to calm down and think this over I am too upset lets talk later” say this on a calm tone, and both of you take some time apart. You HAVE to express your feelings, but in the heat of anger and hurt people say and interpret things wrong.

    Analyze if what you are upset about is really worth it being so angry, on the big scheme of life. Think of how stuff MAKES you feel, and try to word it.

    IMPORTANT! Try to think of a situation where your partner has felt similarly, and relate this to them. Such as “Remember how upset you were because I broke your model car? Well, I feel similarly now that you have broken my mirror¨” Do not say with with resentment, TRY your best to COMMUNICATE calmly. If you cannot again take a breather.

    ALSO, remember to ask the other side how the feel, and try to understand , saying key words as “I understand what you are saying…” or “I can relate to your feelings but.. I feel/think” It helps a lot and it becomes a discussion rather than a one sided fight. Imagine how hard it is trying to communicate with an hysterical person, it is much better when someone calmly expresses their feelings.

    Lastly, If you are trying your best and calmly trying to express your feelings, but the other person is not interested… then maybe you should take the hint! If someone cares about you they will eventually try to understand, and be interested on what you are trying to RATIONALLY communicate. Think about it, is this person worth it? Is being so hurt and angry worth it? Why do we love this person?

    Time is precious, please do not waste it on people who do not appreciate it.

  • jo

    I resent my partner for not helping me financially…….I really hate him sometimes and thats a strong word to use in my vocabulary ;-) ivr tried saying things to him but he says im moaning all the time and hes always there for me emotionally…

  • emotional wreck

    But what if ive been blocking in my emotion so long that idk how to let it out constructivly it just builds and builds and builds then I blow my top anf cant control it

  • TryingToDoBetter

    I am currently struggling with a situation where I don’t know whether Im angry, bitter, jealous, and/or full of resentment. I ran across this article as I was trying to find the difference between bitterness and resentment. Everything I’ve read in this article is spot on and although I know what I need to do to let go and move on, I’m just not ready to.

    I almost want to keep the person who I feel wronged me in my life just to torture him and I want him to hurt the way he hurt me and I know this is wrong. He has apologized, acknowledged his wrong doings, and is truly remorseful yet I won’t let my animosity go and constantly make sarcastic remarks about the situation, and bring it up at any given moment, even when everything is good or when we are having a happy moment. I just bring the energy down with my remarks. He says I can’t keep this over him forever and that if I can’t get over this that we need to end things. Deep down I know that the only way to move on is to have him COMPLETELY out of my life…. I want to be a better person because in the end I am only hurting myself. Its been 7 months now and instead of getting better, I feel myself getting worse. I’m going to bookmark this article and go to it whenever I need positive reinforcement. Thanks for writing it.

  • janice

    I would love to believe that by sharing with the person responsible for the unintentional/intentional hurt – that they would actually care. Unfortunately my experience has been somewhat different leading me to question how, when other behave in ways that cause so much hurt, are not willing to look at what they have done or understand why you feel the way you do, you find a way through the feelings and emotions that such an experience brings, especially when the other, does not want to know how you feel. This is something I am working with in this very moment. Resentment is a painful emotion.

  • Clover

    I have a question =)

    I live about 3 hours away from my hometown because I moved in with my fiance almost 3 years ago. We both had to go down there in November of 2012 because my mom was dying of bone cancer and I needed (and wanted) to be there for her.
    Before she passed, my siblings and I were rounded up around her bed (she wanted to pass away at home so we were in her living room) and they thought it would be a great idea to bring up negative or embarrassing childhood events in my life. Like for example, they would tell me (in front of my fiance) how I used to be violent in my childhood.
    Or how I was almost diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was a child.
    My doctor then said that they couldn’t diagnose me because I was too young to say for sure.
    It’s like they enjoy making me look bad or something. What can I do to make them see that this isn’t a way I want to be treated? If I try to do the same to them, they’ll just use something twice as bad against me. So what do I do?

    Great article by the way <3 I loved it and helped greatly.

  • freesportsideas

    bestsoccerplayer
    A member of the Democratic Party,
    he has been the Senate Majority Leader since January 2007, having previously
    served as Minority Leader and Minority and Majority Whip.

  • Smmr1321

    Hi Sarah,
    I have a question, and want to know what you think of someone that has hid their resentment from me for 8 years, and continued to keep me in a situation that she allowed me to be in, but she did not trust me in? She insinuated by her words and actions after I was out of the situation that she did not trust me. I believed her on her word that she trusted me when I was in the situation, but she later told me of her assumptions, and suspicions that she was feeling when I was in the situation. This is a birth family member that deceived me like this, and it has shattered our relationship because of her dishonesty. Her behavior has caused me to not believe anything positive that she says to me anymore. What are your views on this matter?

  • D

    How do you communicate and express yourself to an individual who does not reciprocate..so you are left vulnerable

  • Lovepeace

    Hey Sarah, I
    read your article about ‘expressing yourself’. I fell in love with my
    cousin sister few days back, and she too, with me. We both know in our
    hearts but we haven’t talked about it. It all started when we had an eye
    contact and automatically we just laughed and laughed and smiled (First
    day), God knows why but this continued for 6 months. Then we became
    good friends, talked to each other a lot (We thought we were becoming
    good friends). We liked staying with each other. But now when we look
    into each others eyes, world stops for us, we just gaze and forget what
    we were saying or doing. Then we just come out of the eye contact and
    smile(while blushing) and act foolishly trying to continue our normal
    talks, looking here and there. She is my dad’s brother’s daughter. What
    should i do? I cant tell anyone. You told that everyone has a right to
    express himself/herself. But if I or her do so, I don’t know what our
    parents will do to us. And the society will laugh at our parents and us.
    Or maybe this is not Love and its just that we love each other as a
    person. Help please.

  • Sensitive

    Thank you so much for writing this. I had an argument with a very close friend last night, and at one point I was basically told that I’m “too sensitive.” I’ve been feeling very depressed all day and wondering if, in fact, there is something deficient about me and if my feelings are abnormal. I realize now that, while there were certainly some things that I could have done better in the argument, I don’t have to apologize for my feelings, and that it’s better to express them in the long run. Your response to Frustrated and Hanaoni was invaluable as well.

  • vice

    First of all, Am just short of words i don’t know what to say, am so grateful to Dr egbenakhue for what he has done for me. At first i thought he was a scam like two others that i worked with, but i just decided to contact him then he told me that my lover will be back home within 4days. When the 4 days completed my husband called me and said he was sorry for the frequent argument and fight, i was so happy that my husband who left me for over 2 years called me. Now we are together he can’t do without me, he always wants me to be by his side and he just bought me a new car. If you want to contact him for help, his email is egbenakhuespelltemple@gmail.com

  • karerus

    Hi, I read this and it helps, some, my mother has depression and bipolar. If I tell her the way i feel I’m afraid she might try to kill her self. She’s tried before for much less. How do I go about telling her with out hurting her to much

  • Thewhiteguy2011

    Very well written, I was one of the “closet emotional people” and will only open up at certain times. My life right now is extremely hard (being a single father of 2) with absolutely no help from their mother. The days I do open up to my gf about things, I sometimes get that I’m to sensitive, other times she’s compassionate. Today I expressed my feelings about something, and that turned into a fight just for expressing feelings. Yes I have resentment ( that’s what brung me here) but I’m realizing that I should be allowed to express my feelings, and me and her should be able to communicate more freely about things especially when it comes to emotions and it shouldn’t be a fight. Your feelings are never wrong or right, just how you feel

  • SleepingSatellite

    i already felt healed to an extent when i read all these comments which confirm that i am normal, i am normal to feel emotional, and that it is normal to feel resentment when someone left you hurt and puzzled. Being of a sensitive and emotional nature, i have often been able to express myself and it has helped me in cases where the other person was receptive.

    But for past one and half year i am finding it hard to resolve things with a “friend”. We started out studies together, and soon became friends. And perhaps deep inside i liked her more than just friends, but due to social and family reasons (i am from India) i kept distance, or at least i wanted her to know me first, know my circumstances as i have little control over decisions in my life. I made attempts to spend time in private with her so that she would get to know me, but she was never available. After almost a year of playing this hide-n-seek with my feelings i concluded that i am just day dreaming. And then it was easy for me to agree to engage with a girl that my parents thought were suitable for me. Since my engagement this “friend” just distanced me from her. She ignored meeting me. She even acted as if she hated me. I was puzzled and surprised to see this. I didn’t know how to talk or comfort her, so i tried to run into her accidentally so that we can start a chat, but she just made me feel so terribly unwanted.

    Her behavior hurt me, but as i had a soft corner for her or that we were at least good friends, i felt the need to approach her and listen to her, and possibly explain it my situation to her. Anyway, a year past like this. And she had only made me feel unworthy. One day then, perhaps, in anger i wrote her an email saying that i do not know what i did wrong to her that she treats me like this. Her reply was even more frustrating. He said she will ignore my mail and i should come to her b’day drink. I was upset, i didn’t want a drink, i just wanted her to let it out what she was holding back so that we can fix the awful atmosphere we had between us. I didn’t go to her b’day drink.

    A month later i apologized for my mail (because i wrote it in anger). That’s a hard thing to do, expressing your resentment politely. She replied, stating that she was disappointed with my decisions to get engaged. I just told her that i was sorry and i had conflicts in my life and i didn’t want her to be part of them. In the mean time i had broken my engagement for various other reasons, my softcorner for this friend being just one of them. After that email conversation things fell in place again and we were able to talk as friends. May be then i misunderstood her, and one day i asked her out for a movie. This never happened, and she never picked my phone calls. I was hurt that she couldn’t even talk. I was puzzled with her behavior. I am not averse to a NO, but i find it hard when people can’t just talk or express (what ever they feel). I was upset, as she made me feel that i did something wrong to her. Then one day i wrote her a long email. Told her everything, my past, my reasons to keep away from her, and why i got engaged, and why i couldn’t get married. She replied in one terse line that left me deeply hurt. May be i am hurt as my feelings were rejected, but what i am certain that hurt me most was this persons callousness. She is so cold. She acts as if there if we do not know us at all. We have “known” us for over two years now. I accepted her response, but the next day on at campus she was just running away or making faces whenever i past by, She looked so utterly uncomfortable. That made me sick. What did i do wrong? Was it a crime to tell someone how you feel?

    I ran into her and asked her why is she uncomfortable with me. I am fine if there is nothing between us, but that she acts and runs away from me as if i did something bad to her makes me feel guilty of something i didn’t do. She refused to talk or listen. And since that day i also decided to end all contacts with her. I just had two full years of awful experience with her. I am willing to listen. I am willing to resolve. I am willing to end all contacts, but i can not accept her rude and callous behavior, that too towards a person she once “considered” a friend.

    But his is not helping me. Deep inside i have resentments for her. Her behavior hurts me. And i am certain it is not because of her rejection of my feelings, but because of her rejections of our friendship. We were never a couple, but what we both know is that we were once friends. One could say well why do you want this awful person in your life, even as a friend. I do not know. I think she is not that awful that i describe here. I think she just had bad experience and she is protective and she can’t express. And everytime i see her on campus, it just ruins my day.

    Having been turned down twice on my offers to patch up or resolve things, I do not have any more heart or courage to face humiliation. Yet, the fact that she is least concerned with my mental turmoil and that she never took initiative to resolve things deeply hurts me. It makes me feel like a stupid fool who gave someone just too much attention. It feels me with anger, and i do not want to act stupid. I can’t predict how i will react if this keep building up inside me. I also do not want to continue acting this way to her, but i can’t control it. Its like a natural reaction. I can’t act normal when she is around. I just don’t want that this has any negative affect on her (from what i understand she is already a CLOSED person) and i do not want to be the guy to reaffirm her beliefs (about being protective).

    I don’t want to portray her as a bad person and me as a good person. I am sure she has similar things to say about me. All i wished is that she let her resentments out. I am willing to listen and say not a single word. I just can’t accept her silent accusations. Or the fact that she has the courage to say “you make me uncomfortable, but i do not want to talk and resolve it.”

    Any help for me from you nice people out there? I just wish i could wipe out the last two years from my head. Live in peace, Let her in peace.

  • SleepingSatellite

    I feel terrible for my poor English ;( When i read it again after posting i can see my own mistakes. And if i were more attentive while writing this in the first place, or went through a revision before posting it it would have been neat. My apologies.

  • Kate

    Loved the first part of your post. Really helpful, thank you. As for practising forgiveness, I’d agree with Danielle Laporte: ‘As The Course in Miracles puts it, “Forgiveness is unknown in Heaven, where the need for it would be inconceivable.” Forgiveness naturally happens when you follow the steps you’ve set out so beautifully in the first part of your post. It’s not something you have to ‘do’ or ‘practise’.

  • christy

    What do you do when you ezpress your feeling denies you makes u fel stupid and hurts you if he disaggree? I’ve e xpress my feelings million times but I ended up getting hurt. Hed either hirt or say bad things about me. It has been like this 14 years. I haven’t received good things in return for anything. I’m not appreciated it seems like I am required to put an extra effort in the relationship and h doest.

  • Hopeless

    Maybe this isn’t the place to post this, but I’m at a loss as to where to go for help. My wife has a friend who puts me down regularly and then apologizes later – but only after another friend points out that she shouldn’t talk about her friend’s husband that way. I’m of the belief that the apology is empty, because she just does it again. Yet, my wife keeps this friend! She even goes away on day trips and overnight trips with that friend and the other. My wife defends her by saying that her friend is just feeling defensive because sometimes I express my dislike for their plans (like a late night bar), and that screws up her plans. This woman is going through a divorce, has two children and lives in her parents’ basement; she often drinks a 6-pack of beer a day, gets high daily and cusses like a sailor. My wife is 44, and we have an 8-year old daughter. I feel like I’m dealing with middle school children, and I don’t know what to do.

  • Bernice

    Iyanla Vanzant… you are truly an amazing person… thank you for expressing in a beautiful way the answers to a question we all needed to be answered…..

  • vice6654676

    First of all, Am just short of words i don’t know what to say, am so grateful to Dr aduga for what he has done for me. At first i thought he was a scam like two others that i worked with, but i just decided to contact him then he told me that my lover will be back home within 4days. When the 4 days completed my husband called me and said he was sorry for the frequent argument and fight, i was so happy that my husband who left me for over 2 years called me. Now we are together he can’t do without me, he always wants me to be by his side and he just bought me a new car. If you want to contact him for help, his email is dr adugasolutiontemple@hotmail.com

  • matta

    Thanks for making my family happy again, my father came back home and he can even take us out, something he never think of before! i wonder Dr egbenakhue are you god or what? amazing you make things happen! i will .Thank you very much. from Holland if you need his help contact email address Dr egbenakhuespelltemple@gmail.com

  • yalang

    A very neat and motivational article… thank you !!!

  • anonymous

    Thanks to drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com for At last my happiness has been restored by a Man named Dr olori ,, my name’s are miss KIRSTEN i want every one on this site or forum to join me thank this DR olori for what he just did for me and my kids . my story goes like this i was married to my husband for 5 years we were living happily together for this years and not until he traveled to Italy for a business trip where he met this prostitute who be witched he to hate me and the kids and love her only so when my husband came back from the trip he said he does not want to see me and my kids again so he drove us out of the house and he was now going to Italy for to see that other woman. so i and my kids were now so frustrated and i was just staying with my mum and i was not be treating good because my mama got married to another man when my after my daddy death so the man she got married to was not treating i and my kids well so i was so confuse and i was searching for a way to get my husband back to me and my kids so one day as i was browsing on my computer i saw a testimony about this MAN DR olori of drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com shared on the internet by a lady and it impress me too so i also think of give it a try at first a was scared by when i think of what me and my kids are passing through so i contact him and he told me to stay calm for just two days that my husband shall be restored to me and to my best surprise i received a call from my husband on the second day asking after the kids and i called Dr olori and he said your problems are solved my child so this was how i get my family back after a long stress of brake up by an evil lady so with all this help from DR olori of drolorispiritualtemple@gmail.com i want you all on this forum to join me to say a huge thanks to olori and i will also advice for any one in such or similar problems or any kind of problems should also contact him for help
    Good bye,,,,

  • Alogon

    ‘The question is not why you are so sensitive, when somebody asks
    you that question ask them, “why you are so desensitized ?”’
    Ha! I like this. So straightforwardly turned around I never saw it. That question of one’s “sensitivity” is an effective way of launching someone who does feel deeply into a very defensive position. Desensitized. Exactly! What makes this other person so devoid of empathy and rationality to hurt someone then put them down when they try to address it?
    For me, being so “sensitive” is also the reason I do my best, to go out of my way if necessary, in order to consider other people’s feelings and why I try hard to be considerate (Golden Rule and all that). I don’t always succeed and am sometimes unintentionally a jerk but I don’t piss on someone when they try to bring it to me and let me know I hurt them.
    The world needs more “sensitive” people, then we wouldn’t need as many “hard” people…or have to become so ourselves.

  • Alogon

    For someone whose native tongue is not English, you express yourself very well in the language. Your grammar and spelling are better than many native speakers. Well done.
    Don’t apologize, there is no need as you are very easy to understand and any English speaker will. I feel apologizing detracts from your very deep and vulnerable thoughts.

  • redriverbluesman

    Are you for real Alogon? As if that correction was necessary.

  • Alogon

    Yeah, I am “for realsies”.
    For someone who says English is not his first language and appears hesitant about being understood…sure, why not? I was being helpful, I would want the same. I confirmed his very good grasp on the language and offered help in a friendly way, giving him confidence in his ability to communicate in English. It’s called reaching out, but apparently people like you don’t believe in helping others, maybe you view that as condescending and would allow someone to continually make a mistake over and over. Gee, that’s helpful, because no one ever wants to improve.
    As for necessary…was your question? I offered help, you offer…? Oh right, nothing.

  • http://dbakeca.com Dbakeca Italia

    interesting article..

  • tab feng

    Your words are what I am looking for.

    In order to keep resentment from hurting me, I always try to ignore the resentment and forget the past. But time and time again, the reality tells me it doesn’t work finanlly.

    I know i can’t face them straight forward. Maybe I should learn how to express myself and how to forgive something.

    thanks!

  • unknown

    Its nice to correct others. Who are you judging others? In this case, the person was trying to express his/her feeling not a grammar or spelling check. Thank you!

  • Amanda

    how far can we go back? should we go back?
    nutshell: long term “off-on-again” relationship with high school sweetheart. while “off again” I married and had a child then divorced; fast forward “on-again” dated a year and a half and now married for 7 years . He’s has just told me that I don’t know who he is because he’s been “afraid” to communicate his true emotions; thinking I would treat him as I did when we were 16 and stupid (me more so because I was a selfish girl, I’ll admit that) but I considered it a new slate when we married. He’s made this illusion of how things will go, so he avoids them and resents me for all of it. I resent him for the past 6 years of not adequately financially supporting our family. How long can you hold on to resentment when it’s the communication that he’s resenting me for when I had no idea? (does that even make sense?)
    I understand there are obviously other stated issues, but if we can’t communicate because of resentment, how do we move forward?

  • ISABELLA

    I want to say a very big thanks and appreciation to Dr.Lawrence for bringing back my husband who left me and the kids for almost two months. I am very much grateful to Dr.Lawrence who brought my husband back to me within 3days.I pray to God almighty to give you the strength and wisdom to help more people having similar problems drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail.com

  • Appreciative

    That was the most beautiful thinsg I have ever read. I think the fact that English is your second language made it even more meaningful to me. It made me read slower and truly think about what I was reading. Thank you for what you have written. It was beautiful and exactly what I and I think many other people needed/need to read. I hope you don’t mind that I copied and saved it so I could share it with others. Thank you so much again, this was just amazing for me right now– truly a moving read.

  • Matt

    I’m pissed off and resentful most of the time but I don’t blame myself – I mean I didn’t really come up with my own thoughts or feelings – they we’re ‘imprinted’ on me by society, an ‘image’ if you will of my world – the human world – which is a pretty messed up place.

  • Gracious

    This is my testimonial on how DR Lawrence of drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com brought back my lover within 48 hours, I came across DR Lawrence email address through my search in the net few days ago, so i emailed him about my condition and how my lover left me. He told me it would take him only 48 hours to get my ex back to me, my ex called me before 48 hours begging me to forgive him and forget about the past and he is ready to make up for lost time.drlawrencespelltemple@hotmail. com or call him on +2348034182596

  • tk

    I rarely comment on blogs or things i come across and read. But this-has changed my life. I cannot express in words the level of gratitude that i have for you writing this article. For5 yrs i have allowed myself to be trapped in this abusive, one sided, atrocity of a relationship. Where i am treated w such indignity, discust & disrespect that i honestly believed i deserved it & that my search for enlightenment and my continual desire to better myself over the years rejected and blocked wnvr possible by this person like her misery was forced on me wnvr id try to improve myselfpersonally. And beat me down to believe that im a worthless pos that should kill myself. Not even worthy of a response from her or evn eye contact, only her needs and wants matter or are met w/o fail. Andive been unable to break thecurse of my love for her, guilting me to catering to her while i don’t deserve an ounce of respect or care. As im sure u guess, resentments have rooted themselves so deeply inside that i couldnt tell the diff btween my love and my hate for her. Then i read the part where u said that you-a total stranger to me are showing me more love and respect and concern to me than she ever has and those as well as ur other words hit home deep inside myheart as truth.. And im FINALLY STRONG AGAIN! IM GOING TO WRITE ALL MY FEELINGS OUT AND GET ALL MYRESENTMENTS OUT AND I’M GOING TO LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP AND FINALYFEEL LIKE I DESERVE SOMETHING BETTER! I LOVE YOU AND YOU’VE PROBABLY SAVED MY LIFE FROM BLOWING UP AND KILLING MYSELF OR HURTING SOMEONE ELSE! Thank u thank u thank u. I cannot repay u for this but know because of you i feel i can get my life back again. Thank you for caring about me when no one did. Shes isolated me from any and everyone and i have no one. But ur caring words from afar have given me strength thats avoided me for years. Thank you bless your heart! Thank you!

  • Bees

    Thank you so much for this article. I have been struggling for years, searching to find what it is that has been holding me back and I’ve realized now that it is guilt and resentment that fuel my inner (and outer) anger. Your articulate and thoughtful advice is so helpful!

  • Mike

    your relationship and your resentment cannot coexist. lose one that means the least. Don’t hold on to the past! Forgive and move on..

  • Indigo Blue

    There’s nothing you can do about it. Express how you feel honesty and without hostility and move on. Do not allow this to repeat, you only have to get your point across once. You’ll know the value of the relationship from that point on. This is a time when ending need to end to make room for the ones that really count.

  • Angie

    Oh Lord. Azeez, I GOT MARZ BACK. Im so excited, It only took a 3days for him to come home. bless divinity and bless god. i must be dreaming as i never thoughts he would be back to me after all this time. I am so much shock and just cant believe my eyes. thank you thank you thank you from the bottom of my heart. because if not for vadoo i would have committed suicide!!! lordazeez1990@hotmail.com is the email to contact in getting your ex back

  • Dan

    Finding this post and its associated comments comes at just the right time. A timely reminder for sure, and a big thanks to the universe for leading me here! After writing about a massive resentment issue in my journal, i feel quite liberated and peaceful. Cheers! Dan :)

  • anonymous

    i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to DR.agbadi who brought back my love that has left me for 6years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get this boy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to DR.agbadi and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address:dragbadilaguspelltemple@gmail.com or you can also reach him through his mobile number,+2347067607812 or visit his website at http://dr-agbadi-home-of-solution.webs.com/

  • Lisa

    I feel just like “Trying..” does. I can not seem to fully release my hostility and rage. I can not forgive my husband for betraying me. He is sorry and claims to have changed, but some bitterness inside me won’t let me relax and believe him ( scientific studies on male fidelity sure don’t help). I find that I am changing, losing all joy in my life, even things not related to romance. No matter how many times I try to feel every bit of pain- there is still more! I do not know how to feel any more fully-or to release it all! It is eating my whole life, and I have no solution. My latest idea is to leave him temporarily to seek sanctuary in a convent. Maybe only The Creator can heal me now.

  • Bobby

    This response was so well written because it came from the Heart and I believe what is shared from the Heart hits the Heart.
    Thank You so much for taking out the time to post this message, I have struggled my whole life with anger and resentment because of the way I feel about myself, I do believe happiness is a inside job and being true to yourself.

  • angelsawaitme

    I couldn’t possibly have said it better. THANK YOU !!

  • Guest

    Thank you for sharing this post. I’ve been on a journey of letting go of resentment after removing several toxic friendships from my life. When I was younger, I didn’t express my disappointment or anger. My toxic childhood friends always thought of me as a nice person but more so, weak. Just like anybody else, I was irritated by certain things my toxic childhood friends pulled on me but I often dismissed them. As I grew up, I made friends with people who expressed themselves in a healthy manner. I looked up to them and I began to understand that my childhood friends were indeed toxic but I was not expressing my anger with them. I did eventually address part of my anger or disappointment to some of my toxic childhood friends, however, just as I expected, they quickly dismissed my feelings. I suppose they expect me to be weak and not express my feelings. But expressing some of my feelings for my sake has helped me to move away from being resentful. I don’t care if they think that I was dumb for doing that because they had no respect for me in the first place. I’m beginning to realize that it is not a bad thing to express my feelings more often. I was bottled up with anger towards my toxic childhood friends for couple of years. I was even told by another childhood friend that I shouldn’t express my feelings to someone who I believed was toxic. It’s ironic because I found out that the same childhood friend who gave me that crappy advice turned out to be a toxic friend (double-crosser) herself. Looking back, I should have been more honest with myself and stand up for what I believe in. Those who don’t mind matter and those who mind don’t matter. It took a lot of time but I’m no longer resentful towards my toxic childhood friends and I’ve forgiven them. It’s just that I don’t want them around in my life anymore. Few of them tried to come back but I know deep in my heart that they are not good for me.

  • meribeth

    I want to thank DR. oboites for what he has done for me in my life,
    After my lover left me without notice i was so frustrated and confused i
    never knew what to do until i told my friend, After she told me the
    great deeds of DR. oboites on how people talk good about
    him on radio
    stations and internet so she gave me the contact. I email
    droboitespelltemple@gmail.com and told him how my lover left me for over
    3years,He told me just to be happy that i will have him back to my arms
    that’s its only a matter of time,i was like is this real mean while i
    had fate in DR oboites that he would bring back my lover,amazingly to my
    surprise after 3days i got a call from my husband who has left me for
    over 3years begging me for forgiveness,Which i did,And now we are
    together and he love’s me more than anything on this earth. Please you
    can contact him for help on this email address;
    droboitespelltemple@gmail.com

  • Ashika

    This is really very meaningful.
    I would like to tell that once you have been treated that unfairly n disgustingly u have nthing in ur life bcus u r so much into that person that u cant live without. You fight everyday try to sort out things . tell ur feelings to each other but still nothng good cn hpn.
    we cnfessed that we love each other but when i asked him to give a name to this relationship he denied , he gave excuses all the tym and that pinched me alot . i always do thngs according to him bcus i cant see him sad or fight for all these stupid things .
    i dont know whats up with this kind of reltnship where u still tok to each other and u cant live without each other tok almost 24*7 and cant see u hanging out with other boys or girls .

  • X

    Wow. Like.

  • Desperate

    I have an issue that I think may be hurting my marriage. I love my husband very much. More than I have ever loved anyone but when I feel as though he’s hurt my feelings, I lash out and put up walls to keep him away. I suppose this is my defence. It doesn’t matter what he does, I won’t allow it to help the situation. Please give me some insight into why I can’t control these actions I have. It’s like in that moment I more than anything want to fix it and make it right but some part of me won’t let me do it. Instead I’m nasty and push him away with hurtful things that I don’t mean. Why do I do this when all I want is to be with him and for us to be happy?

  • little apple

    This really helped. Thank you so much.

  • Janelle Rodgers

    WHOEVER POSTED UP THIS! THANKS SO VERY MUCH FOR POSTING THIS UP…………IT WILL HELP ALOT OF PEOPLE!!! INCLUDING ME!

  • shrestha

    I am very week in expressing my ideas to others or in discussion also very weak in debate with this my angerness explore which is very bad in a sense
    so please answer me what to do

  • inkewbis

    I have resentment towards my mom. I suppose over time it has built up inside of me subconsciously. Here’s the story: My parents were drug addicts and they would abuse us. Eventually, we (my brother, sister and I) were adopted into another family and disliked it very much. A few months passed before my aunt decided that she would take us into her abode and raise us. We were later homed with my grandmother, in which I still live with, for the past 15 years (I’m 21 1/2 right now). The thing though is that my grandma was never affectionate with either of us. She would just give us money to compensate her love for us. Overtime I would wonder where my mother was… I would see my dad everyday, though. Overtime I felt abandoned, so to speak, and robbed of that maternal figure that I needed for guidance, to grow, for advice etc. Something that only your biological can provide. My brother taught me everything from puberty to philosophy about life, to drugs, and people. EVERYTHING. My grandma never would sit me down and talk to me about growing up and certain things about being a woman. My brother did that.. But I really needed/wanted a female’s perspective on life. Luckily, I had friends who were there for me when things started getting rough. By the time I graduated high school that’s when my mom decided to come back into my life. I started to hang out with her until a year in she accused me of sleeping with her boyfriend and sending him text messages when in fact I’d never do anything like that. And she knew I only liked girls and that I only dated one person. So, I’m not a promiscuous person at all. Anyways, she started calling me mean names and saying that she’s going to beat the shit out of me. I stopped talking to her for about 8 months..She alway plays victim btw. Second time around we started talking again and once more she went off on me because I wouldn’t respond to her texts and I went to pick her up when suddenly she started getting angry telling me all kinds of shit and eventually she was going to fight me. Again, I stopped talking to her until now . this time around it’s going good so far, but she started to tell me that I’m nice to everyone else but her. And she calls me constantly and playing that “I’m your mom” card against me in hopes to control me. I drive her everywhere, she doesn’t work, and she lives with her friend for free. There’s so much more to it, but that’s a summarization of what’s happening. It’s tough and I honestly don’t know what would be the best thing to do right now. It’s exhausting, confusing and frustrating all at the same time. I am a super patient person, very understanding, loving and kind person, but when I’m with her that all goes out the window and I don’t understand why. It’s not intentional, it just happens to be like that oddly enough. Any suggestions or advice? I’m thrown for a loop on this one. .-.

  • Elba

    Thank you! I needed this