“You must learn to let go. Release the stress. You were never in control anyway.” ~Steve Maraboli
I’ve noticed that things go much more smoothly when I give up control—when I allow them to happen instead of making them happen. Unfortunately, I’m terrible at this.
Although I’m much better than I used to be, I’m a bit of a control freak. I often use perfectly good energy trying to plan, predict, and prevent things that I cannot possibly plan, predict, or prevent.
For example, I wonder if my baby is going to get a proper nap when we travel and, if not, just how crabby she might be. I think through her travel and napping patterns, attempting to figure out exactly what we’re up against, as if her sleep is something I can control.
I also think about the weather a lot when out-of-town guests are visiting. I spend my already-limited time planning for every possible weather/mood combination when considering our itinerary.
Like most humans I know, I spend a lot of time in business that’s not mine. The baby’s business, my friends’ business, Mother Nature’s business.
As a recovering control freak, there are three things I know for sure about trying to control things:
1. We try to control things because of what we think will happen if we don’t.
In other words, control is rooted in fear.
2. Control is a result of being attached to a specific outcome—an outcome we’re sure is best for us, as if we always know what’s best.
When we trust that we’re okay no matter what circumstances come our way, we don’t need to micromanage the universe. We let go. And we open ourselves to all sorts of wonderful possibilities that aren’t there when we’re attached to one “right” path.
3. The energy of surrender accomplishes much more than the energy of control.
I suspect it’s slightly different for everyone, but here’s what control mode looks and feels like for me: My vision gets very narrow and focused, my breath is shallow, adrenaline is pumping and my heart rate increases.
My mind shifts from topic to topic and from past to future very quickly, and I have little concentration, poor memory, and almost no present-moment awareness.
In surrender mode, I’m calm, peaceful. Breathing deeply, present in the moment. I see clearly and my vision extends out around me, allowing me to (literally) see the bigger picture.
So the great irony is that attempting to control things actually feels less in control. When I’m micro-managing and obsessing over details, I know I’m in my own way.
The Art of Surrender
Surrender literally means to stop fighting. Stop fighting with yourself. Stop fighting the universe and the natural flow of things. Stop resisting and pushing against reality.
Surrender = Complete acceptance of what is + Faith that all is well, even without my input.
It’s not about inaction. It’s about taking action from that place of surrender energy.
If letting go of control and surrendering not only feel better, but actually produce better results, then how do we do that?
Sometimes it’s as easy as noticing that you’re in control mode and choosing to let go—consciously and deliberately shifting into surrender energy.
For example, when I become aware that I’m in control mode, I imagine that I’m in a small boat paddling upstream, against the current. It’s hard. It’s a fight. That’s what control mode feels like to me.
When I choose to let go and surrender, I visualize the boat turning around, me dropping the oars, and floating downstream.
I’m being gently pulled, no effort necessary on my part. Simply breathing and saying, “Let go of the oars” is usually enough to get me there.
Sometimes it’s a little harder to make the shift from control to surrender. Here are a few questions that can help:
1. What am I afraid will happen if I let go of control?
When you pinpoint the fear, question its validity. Ask yourself, Is it true? If you’re afraid the night will be ruined if your boyfriend doesn’t remember to pick up eggplant (and you’ve already reminded him fourteen times), question that assumption.
Can you really know the night would be ruined without the eggplant? And if it would be ruined (by your definition, anyway), what’s so bad about that?
2. Find out whose business you’re in.
Your business is the realm of things that you can directly influence. Are you there? Or are you in someone else’s business? When we’re trying to control things outside of our own business, it’s not going to go well.
3. Consider this: Would letting go feel like freedom?
It almost always would. Let that feeling of freedom guide you toward loosening your grip.
A Friendly Universe
Einstein said, “The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe.”
I believe in a friendly universe.
Being receptive and allowing things to happen is a skill that can be practiced and improved upon. It helps to believe in a friendly universe—one that is supporting you at every turn so that you don’t have to worry yourself over the details.
We can always choose to do things the easy way or the hard way. We can muscle through, or we can let go of the oars and let the current carry us downstream.
There is a peaceful, yet focused energy that accompanies holding the intention of what I want, but not forcing myself to do it. That energy is magic. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m allowing it to become a habit instead of making it a habit.
About Amy Johnson
Dr. Amy Johnson is the author of several books, including The Little Book of Big Change: The No-Willpower Approach to Breaking Any Habit. She is also the creator of The Little School of Big Change, an online school that helps people find lasting freedom from habits and anxiety. Please go here to get a free sneak preview of the school.
Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
Thank you so much for this post. This is EXACTLY how I am. I appreciate that you shared your insights and skills of how to overcome this. I will endeavor to practice them.
Thanks, Mary Jo! I’m happy you could see yourself in me a little. xoxo
I want this to be calming and comforting (and applicable) but right now, it just isn’t. When you have someone (an irresponsible manager) making a decision on your behalf in a professional environment, and that decision is detrimental to you, I don’t see letting go as the answer… It’s a nice thought, but really only selectively applicable.
Hi Tired,
I hear ya…felt that way many times. The thing is, letting go isn’t necessarily about completely giving up or turning the other cheek or just resigning. It’s simply accepting reality AND THEN taking appropriate action from there. Resisting what is only hurts, always. Fighting the fact that your manager is doing what she is doing doesn’t change anything AND it hurts you. Accepting that this is what it is and then evaluating your next best step from there feels much better. And by letting go, you free creative energy to actually formulate a next step that’s likely to work.
xoxo
Hi Amy and Tired, I am going through that right now. Letting go helps me see what is really important and as amy says…helps you makena decision.
i feel that the universe is telling me to let go of my job. Stop fighting my managers. There should be something else out there.
it is not easy……as Tired says….
We’ll see tomorrow…what the new day will bring
Hello to all of you..I wonder how all of you are doing. I find relief that I’m not the only one going through things…For some reason reading you guys’ thread comforted me. I hope you all are doing well. I notice this thread is 10 years ago…Much love.
Thanks for this answer as I was just thinking what does taking action from a place of surrender mean. Does it mean we give up? Does it mean we fight for ourselves but with the right intention? Or we fight but lose first round and give up? Not certain, but certain but glad you clarified that surrender doesn’t mean do nothing! 🙂
Not at all! To me, surrender means do the best you can do and then allow things to unfold as they will. Do your part, then release control over the details like “how” and “when” and “why”. You want a resolution or peace or whatever you want, but you’re not wrapped up in how/what it looks like.
this explanation brings me such a relief. i have been trying to surrender my anxiety over big and small things that i cannot control with how my ex raises our children. a long road for a recovering control freak!
That so-called irresponsible manager is your personal link to overcome, life don’t provide mistakes, but pathways to one of your present situations. Do you love your intuition enough? NO? Than learn how to love, accept, and trust yourself before advancing anywhere else in life, cause basically, the only obstacle you or I have, IS OURSELVES!!
EFT is one of the greatest free tools there is on the internet, learn it, use it!
and you’ll thank me, and EFT in the future 🙂
Great post! I can see this being very helpful to those on the road to recovery from OCPD.
@Tired – what, specifically, can you *do* about your irresponsible manager? If the answer is nothing, or rather, nothing you can think of right now, gathering that stress/anxiety to your chest may actually prevent you from finding the best solution. Letting go *is* hard for those who incline to want to “fix” things, but the reality is, we *can’t* fix everything.
Ah, I should have read your comment to Tired before I posted mine 🙂 Right on though…holding on and resisting blocks creative solutions. And it doesn’t feel good at all. Thanks!
I had just read this morning via your website. Really puts things into perspective. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and productive ways. I am really enjoying the calm your blog brings to me.
Just what i needed to read. Thanks
Great Post!! I have been practicing “letting go” because I have always wanted to control everything in my life. Thanks for sharing and putting it into perspective that when we control we are actually moving against the flow of life. http://www.lisadnyc.com
there is a huge difference in letting go (surrender) and giving up. I am with Tired. I am in a fresh hell dealing as parent, with aging parents whose judgement is failing because of memory failing. The picking of the battle in the moment is huge…
Hi Amy, I agree with you fully that control is rooted in fear. Fear and our other “unwanted” feelings such as anger, resentment, and anxiety, compel us to control excessively. That’s why it is so important to address and process those feelings early on.
We believe we need to control to get what we want or need, when just the opposite is the case. We actually gain more control over our lives by letting go of more control over our lives. I have found this to be true whether at work, in love and romance, in our creative endeavors, and in sports and performance.
Danny
As someone with “control” issues, the whole let it be concept is truly beautiful to me. Thankyou.
yes very insightful article and much needed advice for me today! and well, everyday!
Your row-boat analogy contrasts interestingly with Tolstoy’s use of the exact same analogy in “A Confession”. Are you familiar with it?
No, but I’ll look it up!
Great post! I really enjoyed this and it’s very relative to my life right now.
Hey Amy, you are vulnerable!
Thank you for the beautiful post.
What is to be like an MCC? 🙂
Hey Amy, you are vulnerable.
When we alow ourselves to be vulnerable, we let go of control and paradoxically we get attractive to the universe. That friendly universe you are talking about.
What is like to be an MCC?
New little things to be learned everyday ! Thanks for this great post!
I so need to read this repeatedly. I realize that I’m bound when I attempt control and only free when I relinquish control, but it’s truly frightening to let go. The fear of the worst happening is overwhelming sometimes. To be open to what is can seem to be open to pain and disappointment. The thing is, attempting to exert control is exhausting and I invariably feel worse.
So what if you’ll feel pain and disappointment from time to time? It’s natural, that’s life. If you let go, it’s a sure thing that sometimes you’ll be happy, sometimes you’ll be sad. But if you worry all the time about everything, you’ll be unhappy all the time. What do you choose?
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Thank you for this article. I don’t tend to control things at work but I do in my personal relationships. I worry too much about how the last guy I dated feels about me and if I do “this” he’ll call or if I do “that” he’ll call. I worry about how my daughter will react in a certain situation instead of just enjoying and being proud of her outgoing nature. She’s an adult. I need to let it go. I bookmarked this article and I’ll be sure to read it again just to remind myself to chill out.
I agree!!! I literally printed it and plan to reread it daily!
but then if i let go of the oars and turn around, flow with the current, am i not going where i don’t want to? o_O
Beats me… I’m facing the same issues over and over again… Like: how does one discern “not wanting to do something” from “fearing to do something”?
I know what you mean. But when you stop focussing on rowing the boat, you give yourself a chance to see things more broadly, or more objectively. Resting the paddles, you see they are damaged or the other paddles (if you have) are a better fit? Or you see your surrounds and wonder whether where you’re going is right? You might even see a rescue boat behind you but wouldn’t have noticed if you kept rowing! Maybe after all you should go in a different direction you’re rowing? By easing our focus we can broaden ourselves to more possibilities that, who knows, could be better. Sometimes the best things in life come as pleasant and totally unexpected surprises!
Thank you, Jove. I will think about this, but it makes sense. I have a hard time relaxing… 🙂
You have to figure out if it is desires you want to pursue, or to accept that our creator knows what’s best for you, you just have to stop wanting things that aren’t with your true needs.
I enjoy Amy Johnson’s style of writing, it is easy on the mind and friendly, not commanding.
Thank you for her gentleness.
Carol Nicholls
Thank you for this post. It’s so simple but very impactful!
I can relate to the feeling you describe of ‘control mode’ – it certainly looks simliar to me! I used to be unaware that this is what I was doing, and always wondered why I always felt crappy and so stressed. Now that I’m aware of it, I can recognize the feeling and try to get grounded and real myself back in (keyword ‘try’).
It’s quite a journey, isn’t it?
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i keep reading this article but it’s so hard to let go. i’ve been disappointed so many times and i’m afraid to let go because i don’t trust God/the universe/whoever to help me be happy. i wish i could let go and have faith in MYSELF.
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@8273885cc85881a3178a1d1479da1d0e:disqus Thanks for writing this. I know it is about a month old. I wish I had seen it then… I’m having a hard time of letting go in my own life right now. Specifically my ex girl friend. But I know that if I just let go and let be then I will be happier. IF it is meant to be for us then it will be. I just need to let go of the oars and quit trying to fight. All I’m doing is just exhausting myself
It’s amazing energy when you are able to shift it from control to letting go..
well, I’ve heard it said that awareness is the first step toward healing a bad habit or way of being….sounds like you are at that point & ready to go on to the next. 🙂
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I really love the imagery of letting go of the oars. I am from an alcoholic upbringing where control and safety have become equivalent in my subconscious. I have worked on it for years and thought I had it largely worked out, but I have become aware that I still try to control way too much. Your article packs in a lot of punch in a few words. You are so right that controlling is actually being out of control! I have learned that with falling asleep and a number of other areas of my life but still paint myself in to a corner that becomes a jail with all of my controlling efforts.
thanks for your post Janie, I know exactly what you mean
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makes me think of wu wei (action without action)
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“Being receptive and allowing things to happen is a skill that can be practiced and improved upon. It helps to believe in a friendly universe—one that is supporting you at every turn so that you don’t have to worry yourself over the details….There is a peaceful, yet focused energy that accompanies holding the intention of what I want, but not forcing myself to do it. That energy is magic. I’m still a work in progress, but I’m allowing it to become a habit instead of making it a habit.”
i feel like we might be twins separated at birth, or something like that.
i’ve been a control freak most of my life, and for about four years, i let this “controled self” control me. nottt fun.
i get very comfortable with (stuck in) habit, so i tend to try to control things so that they are consistent with my patterns (learned that word from your blog).
i have finally realized (although i have to remind myself daily) that trying to control things is what causes the anxiety. sure, breaking the habits will unleash a wave of anxiety, but even if that wave is a tidal wave and causes a boatload of damage, it will eventually recede. the damage will eventually subside.
it’s the control that ensures the waves just keep coming.
once again, i’ve rambled. but thank you so much for reminding me to just ride the tide. there’s no point in setting guidelines for something that the human mind has no business in controlling.
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Yes I enjoyed this, I still don’t understand it completely… Ok our lives our not in our control so how do we know what we are supposed to be doing in our lives if faith without works is dead? For example do we keep on trying to get a Job until we actually get hired? but if its not in Gods will for us to work at this moment… we won’t get the Job. Its like how are we surrendering and having faith that everything is going to be alright? Ok here is my situation… for a better example, I currently live at home with my elderly grandmother. I provide assistance to her on a daily basis. I’m pregnant.. no cuurent stable income to provide for a child… and with a baby on board it makes no sense to try and work a new job (people usally won’t hire you if they can tell your carring because they don’t want to grant maternity leave so suddenley. Then my family is not supportive of me having a baby so basically all I have is faith and trust in God to lean on. Now is it considered me not having faith/ surrendering because im concerned about our welfare and future? Naturally a Woman is going to panic in a situation like mine being pregnant.. Now if I wasn’t pregnant it would be a lot different but these circumstances are making it difficult to just let go.
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This is the second time that I have read this blog…it is wonderful!!! Your definition of surrender is on a sticky note at the base of my monitor for me to see throughout the day. It is perfect, and has helped me GREATLY! Thank you for your wisdom and sharing your experience! 🙂
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Feel like a weight as lifted off of me. Its going be a challenge to let go and try to control everything that happens to me but if i ever need help i can always come back to this article thank you
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Your blog post has been such a comfort to me. Thank you.
it sounds almost to easy !! why is it so hard to let go ?
very common psychological response when one undergoes great deal of pressure. They attempt to control life with their minds because they don’t feel safe. It becomes a habit after a while, and then becomes instinctual. Letting go of an instinct or habit isn’t easy, you should know that. Because one is attempting to control mother nature with their minds, the universe takes control and is much more powerful than you, because you are only a fragment of the universe itself. To one who hasn’t experienced the sensations etc of anxiety this may be harder to understand.