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June 26, 2016 at 1:28 pm #108300
Hopeful33ParticipantI’m not sure where to begin and I’m sure this will end up being a long thread, but please bear with me. I’m feeling so low and would really appreciate some words of wisdom right now.
I was in a relationship for three years, one that was far from perfect, but I believed at the time I had found ‘the one.’ We moved in together very quickly, and even left the city we were living in to travel the world for nine months. It was the first serious relationship both of us had been in, and considering that, I always felt we were doing so well together. He always listened to any grievances I had, and if he felt I had a point he’d try and adapt. We were a very loving and affectionate couple, and had a lot of good times together.
I was riddled with insecurity from the start, though. I have always felt so unlovable so when he showed so much interest in me I thought it was too good to be true. I convinced myself initially that he must be gay in order to be with me (imagine how little you must think of yourself to convince yourself your boyfriend is only with you to pretend to the world he’s straight). Over time this evolved into me being jealous of his exes and asking him excessive questions about them. I then wanted him to tell me I was the love of his life, something he initially said he didn’t believe in, but over time he started saying it to me and I believed he felt that way about me.
Fast forward to this time last year. We had come to the end of our around the world journey and decided we’d settle down in my home country (we’re from two very different cultures). He came up with the plan, as he loved my home country and said it would be a great place for us to bring up a family. So he headed back to his home country to get his visa to come to me, and I went to my home country to wait for him. We were also going to get married when he joined me, too.
So he goes to his home country in Asia, and when he first got home everything was fine. Then he told his mum (who always knew all about me) that he was planning to marry me when he came to my country, and she lost it with him. She even came on Skype to tell me that she didn’t think we could make a marriage work, and he was financially unstable at the moment, and that we would argue etc. I felt like a 16 year old, not a 30 something! I was very offended by her behaviour.
Everything spiralled out of control after this. At first he said he wanted to stay in his country to study for an exam that he could have studied for where I was. He said his mum was pressuring him and that he’d have to do it there and that he would not leave until he’d taken the exam and passed. Then we started arguing a lot, because he decided that he no longer wanted to come to my home country – he changed our plan in its entirety, said he was going to stay in his country for a year to get experience in the field of work he wanted to pursue and then we’d go together to a university for him to study for a masters. I was so upset that he decided to change the plan we had painstakingly made together so quickly and out of the blue. I felt that his mum was pressuring him into all this but couldn’t say much about it. All the while, my sister was ill in hospital with cancer, and my brother was also not doing well health wise, so overall it was a terrible time.
We had a massive argument about it all and he disappeared for a week. The next time we spoke he told me he saw an ex of his (someone he had fallen for when he was in high school – all I knew about her was that she broke his heart) and he couldn’t stop thinking about her. He made me sound like I was an option – that he needed time to think things through, but didn’t give me the impression he was fighting for me. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing – just weeks previously this man was telling me I was the love of his life and he couldn’t wait to spend the rest of his life with me, and now he couldn’t stop thinking about someone else? And he showed me no compassion, which was the weirdest part. After I ended it with him, he didn’t bother to call me or find out how I was doing, or to reconsider and give him some more time. It was all so confusing – this man had always been so considerate with me and now he was essentially turning his back on me for some ex of his who broke his heart back in high school?!
I emailed him about 10 days later to say that I couldn’t believe that the man I had been with for three years would behave this way if everything was okay, and that i felt he must have been under immense pressure by his family to do something he didn’t want to do (he kept complaining of pressure but never really told me what the pressure was!). He comes from an Asian country where marrying outside your community is a big no-no, never mind marrying a white woman, so I started to wonder if his family were disallowing him from leaving to be with me. In my email I said I felt his ex was an escape route and that his family were pressuring him, and that if I was right he could contact me and we’d fix it together, and if I was wrong to leave me be and i’d get on with my life.
10 days later I got an email that will haunt me for the rest of my life. While the tone of it wasn’t horrible or nasty, in one paragraph that felt very different to the other two in which he said I was a gem of a person, had always showed him the right path etc, he said that he had only been with me out of guilt (because he felt bad about leaving me when my dad had also abandoned me as a child) and that he wanted to prove to himself he could love someone more than his ex.
To this day, I will never know why and how he could send something so hurtful. I have always felt so unlovable, and this just fits right in with that narrative I have in my mind. Logic me knows that my relationship was real – it certainly felt like it was at the time, and he was always so loving and affectionate – he told me he loved me every single day. How he could say he was only doing all that to prove he loved someone he was never even in a real relationship with will never make sense to me.
My friends and family all suspect he was pressured into an arranged marriage with her, because less than two months after we broke up he was engaged, and then married eight months later. To them, this is the more logical explanation and that he sent that email to hurt me and keep me away, but for me, it’s easier to believe he never loved me, despite the fact we had a three year relationship that felt very real.
I felt that I got to a point where I could see what everyone else could see – with a lot of self work, therapy, etc the clouds started to lift. But this last week or so I’m back down that hole, feeling unloved and like I was duped/stupid to not see how I was with someone who never loved me – this despite how loved I felt at the time. I don’t know how to frame this in order to move forward, or what I can do to get myself out of this horrible cycle. Any advice/thoughts would be really appreciated right now because I can’t see the wood for the trees. I’m not even sure if this post makes much sense…
June 26, 2016 at 3:29 pm #108304
AnonymousGuestDear hopeful33:
I am sure the “reported for inappropriate content” is a mistake someone made. I read your whole post and it is totally appropriate.
You asked for help seeing the forest because you recently focus again on a particular tree in that forest (the I-am-unlovable tree).
When you focus on that tree, as I have been the great majority of my life, you don’t see much elsewhere. You definitely don’t see much of him. You are simply too scared and too desperate.
Obviously his mother applied pressure on him to not get together with you and instead to marry a woman from their culture and country. This is most likely. The fact that she contacted you on skype, was it? means that she was scared to lose her son to you/ different culture. She was scared because he was serious about making a life with you. I say he was serious because he wouldn’t have told her about you, about plans to move in with you if he didn’t intend to do those things.
The last email he wrote to you, well, there might be some truth in it, not the whole truth. He probably struggled a lot and did a lot of thinking, had a lot of turmoil. Maybe he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t love you that much after all; tried to convince himself of that so to make it easier for himself to move on and … be with another woman. People use a lot of “convenient thinking” so to feel better about an undesirable situation, twist the truth some to make life more bearable.
When he was in a relationship with you and there were difficulties, your jealousy, for one, the questions… at times he probably thought to himself: maybe I should end this relationship, and then maybe he felt guilty, thinking something like: if I end the relationship, she will be so hurt because of her father leaving her.
Long time after, in his country, struggling, his mother pressuring him, he remembered that guilt he felt at a moment or two, and … that was “the tree” he focused on. So a bit of the truth, far from all of it.
Most likely, he too had plenty of insecurities- and his insecurities are the trees you didn’t see because you focused on the I-am-unlovable tree. He may have had the same kind of tree.
When we feel unlovable, we want proof. We want to be the Only One, past and present. We want to erase the man’s past of any other woman and be The One and Only. This is not doable, impossible, unrealistic. This is why it is a good idea for you to attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring therapist, so to unearth and examine your hurt from childhood, your hurt for having been unloved then and process that hurt so it doesn’t hold you hostage.
Once you heal, you will find out what I found out: that when a man loves you, when a person loves you, it is because he or she is a loving person, not that the loved one is worth that love. We are all worthy of love, all born lovable. When a parent doesn’t love us (as often is the case) we figure we were not worthy of their love. Reality is the parent was not a loving person. Nothing to do with who we are.
Does this help?
anita
June 26, 2016 at 4:28 pm #108308
Maria_LParticipantDear hopeful,
Your story made me really sad, and I can only say that I sympathize with your pain, and hope that time will bring you some relief and answers. Maybe it’s not the most helpful thing in the moment to give this whole story more romantic and sad tone, but it did remind me of something that is really popular as a term in the new age community- twin flames. It is a challenging, very passionate relationship with someone, very different from us.. Most of the time (after the initial phase) it’s painful, and not always has the happy ending. But it’s ultimate goal is to make us grow beyond our ego, insecurities, to heal us in the end.
And I am not sure I believe in the concept of twin flames… 🙂 But from what I understood from your story, you are both victims of your own past-you with your own insecurities, him with his inability to get detached from a traditional environment. The only way for your relationship to have grown further is if both of you could have found a way to break free from these issues that held you back in life in general, not just in your romance. But. as the twin flame agenda says, you both have to do it in your own terms, and in your own time.
Don’t you think that now should be your time? To wake up. To look into your heart. You matter, you are loved. You are love. You have so much to offer to the world, and the world needs you. This happened for a reason maybe, and very often great personal growth comes from big pain.
I won’t give my view for the Asian tradition of fixed marriages and how it affects millions of people, more than enough is said already on this subject.. I am sure this guy loved you best way he could, but many of them fall under the pressure of the family. Especially if they are not living abroad or are enough financially independent. This is a fight that is not up you, and I can assure you that you cannot find the right words or gain a ‘quality’ that will change a whole pattern of certain society. So at least you can do now is ‘skip’ the destructive self-blaming thinking.. There was only so much you could do. You can be sad, cry, grieve and give your self some time to heal and grow from this stronger. But never for a second dare to think that this whole thing happened because you could have done something to prevent it. As I said, these relationships take the input of the two people to work out, and you would have lost his at some point.
I believe when you truly love someone, you always love them in some form, no matter what. But in time you can learn to love someone ‘from a distance’ and be grateful for that person, even if it didn’t work out and it’s over. It takes some time and some soul searching, but I believe it’s possible to get there, and move on from the pain… Love again and trust again.
I sincerely wish you all the best, and I hope you can refocus your attention from the loss you suffered in the past, towards the love for yourself, and the need to shift in the present better than you were before..
June 27, 2016 at 5:36 am #108334
annonymousParticipantI can relate sort of, I suppose. ( cyber hug- I may not respond to this post-don’t take offense to it though, I hate sharing on forums,especially this one because once you post, you can’t delete, so you have to be careful of what you say, how you word things,etc) but it wasn’t sexual or anything like that and I didn’t see him everyday.
He is like a father to me though, I respect him so much more than that, I’ve always held him in high regard, for years. It’s hard to explain, most people wouldn’t understand it, I wouldn’t even attempt to explain to others. However, I had been down for the past weeks because I felt like I disappointed him. My mentality is somewhat of an idealist- so it’s harder on me,than it would be for most people. So mine happened like a month or two ago. I couldn’t make sense of it, so I kind of disappear for a while on and off because I need to take care of myself sometimes. For personal reasons ( obviously).
I stopped talking to everybody basically. I got inside my head for a while. I don’t know his thoughts.
I was an editor for a magazine in New York ( intern), I stopped recently, but I do television too,now, hosting or preparing for it.
I hadn’t seen him in years, so, as far as I know he remembers me as an editor at a magazine,, I hope so. we haven’t talked in years. The nature of his work makes it difficult to talk to him, I wouldn’t know where to begin because he works in the industry , so it’s not like I can just walk up to him and start talking to him, or post to his fan page, because he gets millions of posts, I doubt he reads them or would notice, he’s a busy person…..I want him to be proud, at times I beat myself up about it, I care about what he thinks. Other people don’t understand that- they don’t get that, so my process is harder than most, because everyone speaks for me, lol. So I went away because I needed to be alone to process everything ( I do that sometimes). I shut my phone off, face book, everything.
I don’t feel duped though. Like, I don’t know how to feel, if anything– or like… from my perspective, I don’t know anything-which makes it harder to process- if that makes sense.
Not sure though, only advice I can offer you, is you aren’t alone. It’s weird, I still sympathize as I know the feeling. Processing will take a while, and it’s okay to process. I hope this makes you feel better hearing my story, and if you feel alone, you aren’t.
June 29, 2016 at 8:25 am #108473Hopeful33ParticipantTest
June 29, 2016 at 8:33 am #108475Hopeful33ParticipantAnita,
This is very frustrating – I wrote you a long reply and it’s now disappeared 🙁 But I wanted to say thank you for your thoughtful response to what I had posted. I have lurked on these boards for a while and I was always encouraged by the balanced, positive replies that people give here, which is what gave me the courage to share my story.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what he may have been thinking when he sent me that email – it’s certainly a perspective I hadn’t considered fully, but that makes sense. Him and I broke up briefly during our first year together, and when we got back together two weeks later he told me that him and his mother had argued because she’d told him that it was for the best that we had broken up – the reasons being because I wasn’t from their country, I’d never live there, i couldn’t speak the language and wouldn’t be able to teach our kids their culture. I now feel this was her making her real feelings known at a time when she wouldn’t seem like the bad guy and I don’t think she expected we’d get back together. With this in mind, when everything imploded this time last year I am sure she would have said she made her real feelings known back then and may have asked him to justify why he got back together with me when he knew how the family really felt – hence, he may have replied by saying because of my background he felt guilty to breakup with me, which couldn’t be further from the truth, especially at that point – he wanted us to get back together just as badly as I did when we broke up the first time.
So, thanks – it certainly helped to read your reply and made sense. People tell themselves all sorts of things to make themselves feel better, especially when they feel they cannot change a situation. My friends and family believe he intentionally set out to hurt me with that email to keep me away. He knows i’m a spirited person, and had I really known what was going on there is every likelihood I would have been on the first plane out to find out why they were doing this. But if you tell someone you’ve never really loved them, you give that person every reason to turn their back and walk away. I’m just surprised that he didn’t realise the impact those words would have on me – they didn’t anger me, they almost destroyed me.
I am currently in therapy and trying to explore the reasons why I feel so unlovable. I just find it so sad that even with every single person I know saying to me that they firmly believe his family are the main reason behind the breakup, I find it easier to believe I was with someone who never truly loved me. When I was with him, I never doubted that love. Sure, I had insecurities, but I never once remember being in bed at night and wondering if he actually loved me or not. He was very open with his love, very affectionate and it felt very real at the time. But I’m struggling now. His words in that email have impacted me in a deep way and I sometimes wonder how long it will take me to be able to fully let go of the impact they’ve had.
June 29, 2016 at 8:41 am #108476Hopeful33ParticipantMaria,
Thank you for your response to my post. I had heard of twin flames before but never really read much about them – I don’t suppose you know of any good sites that can give me an accurate overview of what the term means?
Your reply was very helpful, thank you. And you’re right, great personal growth can come from pain. I was doing so well until now but I feel the anniversary of the breakup has put me back slightly. I do need to focus on being the love I never received when I was growing up and on seeing how I am loveable. It’s an issue I had way before he came into my life and one that I’ll always have unless I take this time to heal from the past properly, which is why I’m focusing on it.
It’s funny, even at the time I felt he had regressed when he went home. He turned into a shell of a person. He kept complaining about pressure but never actually telling me what the pressure was. He lashed out, became difficult to talk to. I lost all ability to reason with him and because I was also going through family trouble here at home I wasn’t at my best to deal with it. But it did feel like within weeks of him being back there he turned into someone else.
All in all, it’s an incredibly sad situation. I happened to see his wedding photos a few months back and the strangest part was, they didn’t upset me. I just couldn’t see any joy emanating from them like you see in some couples’ wedding photos. They looked…odd together. I always assumed that if I saw their wedding photos I’d go to pieces, but if anything it was just further proof that this isn’t what they tried to portray to be. Around what turned out to be time of the wedding, I had this vivid dream in which I was holding and consoling him while he told me he still loved me. I said I know and then woke up. I felt there was something more to this dream – it didn’t feel like ‘normal’ dreams. I guess I’ll never truly know if it meant anything, but at that time it felt prophetic almost.
And yet now I’m back to doubting everything again. I’m frustrated, but trying to ‘ride’ through the emotions in the hope I’ll start feeling better in a week or so.
Thanks again.
June 29, 2016 at 9:10 am #108478AnonymousGuestDear Hopeful33:
Sorry you lost that post. If you write a long post again, to prevent losing it, you can copy it, then submit. If it is lost you can paste the copied text.
In your last paragraph above, you wrote: “When I was with him, I never doubted that love” May I correct you? For a long time, at the least, you doubted his love, first thinking his reason for being with you was that he was gay, then you asked him lots of questions about his exes so to figure out if he really loves you… maybe at the later part of the relationship you started to relax into the concept that he loved you.
Regarding the email that haunts you. This is what you wrote about it in your original post: ” he said that he had only been with me out of guilt (because he felt bad about leaving me when my dad had also abandoned me as a child) and that he wanted to prove to himself he could love someone more than his ex.”-
I wonder, did you keep that email? If you did, do you want to copy and paste it here (with any deletions of what you don’t want to share)? I would like to look at it as he submitted it for better understanding of it.
As to the paraphrased email, did he write that he was with you the whole duration of the relationship out of guilt? And regarding the ex, knowing how obsessed, jealous you were about his ex or exes, this is a punch in the gut. I see this clearer now.
Waiting for your next post, maybe his email verbatim, or as verbatim as possible?
anita
June 29, 2016 at 9:37 am #108484Hopeful33ParticipantI’d rather not share the whole thing as I can’t bring myself to look at it, but he started out by saying that I didn’t deserve what he had put me through for the weeks leading up to the email, and that my family didn’t deserve it either.
Then he went into the fact he’d seen a therapist for ‘three detailed’ sessions, during which the therapist came to the conclusion (which he agreed with) that he was only in a relationship with me to prove to himself he could love someone other than his ex. And that because of what my dad had done in the past (i.e. left the family) he didn’t want to do the same thing to me, too, so he stayed with me out of guilt.
He also added a few other things, that I can’t really detail here as they are in reference to something I had brought up in the email I had sent to him about a traumatic part of his childhood.
He then ended the email saying I was a gem of a person, that I’d always tried to show him the ‘right path’ and that he believes I’m strong enough to do whatever I put my mind to.
That’s as much as i remember. What I do distinctly remember is how the tone of the middle paragraph was quite different to the opening and closing paragraphs.
June 29, 2016 at 9:42 am #108485Hopeful33ParticipantAnd he didn’t specify at which point he felt guilt, which made it sound like he felt that way throughout the relationship. I am angry now that I think about it – there had been a few points during the relationship when I said I wanted to end the relationship and he begged for me to reconsider. If in fact what he’s saying is true, you’d think that during those times he’d have had the perfect excuse to leave things be and let me end it, but to the contrary he wanted me to stay. So how he can then say at the end he stayed with me out of guilt, like he was doing me a favour, is beyond me.
And the reason for these arguments were rages he began having after about 12 months together. Ironically that was the point at which we got serious about each other, so I now feel perhaps his mum was causing conflict from an early stage without me even realising she was.
June 29, 2016 at 10:06 am #108487AnonymousGuestDear hopeful33:
The first time you saw his mother, on skype, she told you “that she didn’t think we could make a marriage work, and he was financially unstable at the moment, and that we would argue etc.” Then in the next paragraph (still your original post), you wrote: “Everything spiralled out of control after this…Then we started arguing a lot.”
His mother didn’t just predict that you and her son will be arguing a lot, she went to work for that aim right away, applying the pressure on him non stop. Part of the pressure she applied on him, to leave you was to have him see a “therapist”. Not a neutral therapist, not one to help him decide what to do, but a therapist-as-a-title to pressure him further to abandon all plans to be with you. The mother’s campaign to pressure her son to abandon all plans to be with you succeeded. The therapist- move was successful.
What the “therapist” did was “help” your ex boyfriend to re-frame his thoughts about his relationship with you. She helped him come to certain thoughts so to abandon his motivation to make a life with you: you didn’t love her, was the reframing: you just felt guilty. You didn’t love her; you just wanted to prove to yourself that you can love another.
With the therapist input about that last email, it seems very clear to me that the thoughts he gave you in that last email about his guilt and proving to himself as the motivations for having been with you are completely false. The “therapist” used what he told her so to reframe his thoughts.
Clearly, there is no truth in what he wrote in that part of the email. None whatsoever. This is why it is not making sense to you: the lack of truth in it.
Of course, you still have to deal with the I-am-not-worthy-of-love tree. But sincerely, that email, in real life, is not evidence for anything other than the campaign to get your ex boyfriend to abandon all his plans to marry you. His arranged marriage sealed the deal for his mother. Her job is now done.
anita
June 29, 2016 at 10:24 am #108489Hopeful33ParticipantAnita,
Thank you. It’s amazing how you seem to see it all very clearly – as clearly as everyone here (my family, friends etc). My dad, in fact, named the therapist a ‘witch doctor’ as he said from the start that he believed the therapist was paid by the family to parrot to my ex what they wanted him to believe/hear. I.e. that he didn’t really love me, that he was only with me out of guilt, that it was nothing but infatuation perhaps. Now thinking about it, it feels like perhaps they started pressuring him into seeing his ex as marriage material when he got home, he clearly was trying to say he loved me and wanted to be with me, but with all the pressure started feeling ‘confused’ which is when the ever so helpful mother would have suggested he sees a therapist in order to get a professional point of view.
Funny how this ‘professional’ therapist also ‘recommended’ he spend some time with his ex as it would do him good – I’m no therapist, but I know enough about therapy and psychology to know that if someone had effectively been ‘faking’ a relationship for three years, I would advise for him to be alone for some time, to get his head together first, live alone etc. Not spend time with the ex when he’d just broken someone else’s heart.
I also wonder if the therapist was an astrologer. In his culture, an astrologer is consulted in order to see if two people are matched before they get married. It wouldn’t surprise me if the ‘therapist’ wasn’t even a pretend therapist – if he was an astrologer or religious guru type person. I’ve actually heard about this before – parents from his culture consulting religious gurus when their children go ‘haywire’ – i.e. when their children want to do something against their wishes. They told me it was a therapist because that’s a ‘language’ I could understand so to speak.
Thank you Anita. This has certainly helped me get a bit of clarity from someone who is totally objective to the whole thing. Like you said, it doesn’t deal with my ‘tree’ but I think I’ll read your reply back to myself whenever I’m having one of my moments of doubt.
June 29, 2016 at 12:20 pm #108510AnonymousGuestDear hopeful33:
I just lost my post to you!
I also left you another reply hours ago, after the last to which you replied and it strangely appeared on another person’s thread. Here it is: “One more thing: the fact that his mother went through all this trouble, that she had to go through all this trouble, is all the evidence you need that points to the fact that your ex boyfriend did indeed love you.anita”
Regarding your latest post above: I typed “therapist” with quotation marks because even if the person is a credentialed psychotherapist, I have no doubt he didn’t act as a therapist seeing your ex. He abused his position so to comply with your ex’s mother expressed desire for him to help her keep her son in the family, culture and country, and make him abandon all plans to have further contact with you. So it doesn’t matter to me, in my understanding, what credential he possessed when seeing your ex. The greatest use he made of his credential, if he had one, is to use it as “proof” to your ex that he is objective and neutral.
So he sat with your ex, asked all the questions, researched the situation thoroughly with your ex, looking concerned and empathetic to your ex’s distress, taking notes and finally he gave him the conclusion of what “really” happened. He used the information your ex gave him so to make sense (as distorted and untrue as it is) of the mother’s desire. The “therapist” probably shared her cultural view and interest. And so, your ex figures: here is someone neutral and he gives into his mother. Before the therapist he may have been partially angry with his mother for trying so hard to control his life. After the “therapist” his anger lessens and he moves on according to her plan with way less resistance.
Too bad for you and for him.
anita
June 29, 2016 at 2:12 pm #108528Hopeful33ParticipantHi Anita,
My therapist also said something along the same lines – how for his mum to have had to resort to all this game playing to get what she wanted, then clearly I must have mattered a lot to him. And I see what she means – if he genuinely didn’t want to be with me, there would have been no need for all the drama and smokes and mirrors that followed.
What I don’t understand is this: I can see how the therapist did indeed convince him to believe what he wrote in that email, however, I still cannot see why he’d think it was a good idea to send me what he did. If anything, you’d soften the blow and say something that would hurt a little less – not essentially crush the other person by making out our whole relationship was a lie when clearly it wasn’t.
That’s the bit I struggle with – trying to figure out why on earth he’d think it was a good idea to send me that message when he could have perhaps said something else, or nothing at all – I did say in the end of my email to leave me be to get on with my life if I wasn’t right in what I was saying.
June 29, 2016 at 7:21 pm #108534AnonymousGuestDear hopeful33:
As to why he sent you the email- so to cement his position. It was his way to close his chapter with you. He needed to repeat what he “learned” in therapy, repeat it to you so to make it true to him.
Unfortunately for him, the truth does not accommodate denial, convenient thinking and lies. So it put him at ease temporarily, feeling way less distress as he proceeded to seal the deal and marry the woman approved for him. But he remembers and he knows already, that what he wrote was not the truth.
I didn’t understand your last line about what you wrote at the end of your email to him.
If I could help you with this little thing, I wish I could because this part of your suffering is unnecessary: what he wrote in that email was a temporary make belief thinking on his part (lead to by the “therapist”)- he himself knows it is not the truth, by this time.
anita
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