Yes, I need to pull that band-aid off quickly. The reason I thought it might be asked, was that it came into my head, that if that was questioned, would I back down and keep the lie going? Or would I say “No, I don’t love you anymore and haven’t for awhile”, and wait for the sh— storm to happen. His M.O. has always been to be in a public place, so it suppresses any real reactions from me. Was just thinking what if that occurred? I will keep that Mona LIsa smile going, as I am well-practiced in that. I have all the practical things in place, just need to get over the next hurdle of college placement, come home, and make the concrete plan of when and how. Thank you for your thoughts! Read over again the Bridges of Madison County, and Eat, Pray, Love again. Being mindful and forcing myself to stop negative thoughts that invoke fear. Getting better at it! One of the good things is that R-1 is calm, loving and never pushing. He states to me that I will KNOW, when the time comes.

I am back from the family vacation, and it was acceptable and some pleasant times. Of course, it seems that R-2 took his cues from the couple we went with. The husband adores his wife of 20 years ( his 3rd wife!) and was very sweet with her. He was always making sure she was comfortable and was attentive to her needs. I think R-2 was copying the behavior. He seemed to actually pay attention to me, as far as asking if I wanted drinks or what we could do next, see shows, hang around the pool, etc. It was odd to see that. He actually thanked me on the way home for the myriad details I took care of, for this trip to go smoothly. He is acting unusually kind and I am unclear what to make of it. As for my heart, I am getting anxious, as the first barrier I had was the vacation to go well, and not have undue trauma and emotion while out of town. Now, for part 2 barrier. getting son to college at end of August. That is coming up and then I will be face to face with what next to do……….R-2 is already talking of a vacation in first week of October. I am back at work today and feeling a little numb.

I am aware I am all alone on this, as R-1 has found out that wife refuses to sign papers for final divorce and/or agreement to sell the house (2 years of separation so far), and he still lives in the marital home shared with his grown sons. It doesn’t seem that there is any forward motion, as he cant pay for marital home and for a separate apartment. Wife lives for free with female friend, so no skin off her nose, and can delay as long as she feels. It also seems that she is waiting for R-1 to take a “misstep” so she can then demand more (the entire house signed over to her) due to her stress and hurt. It sounds like the sons are planted in the house, to watch and report his activities, as well as living off of him. She does want him to suffer and “pay” for her anger and hurt, as she sees it. I think that is what feels so sad right now. I know in my heart, I will need to proceed all by myself and only have myself for my own mental support. Phone calls from R-1 daily are nice, but that doesn’t go far enough for me. He has stated that if having to choose between me and the house, he will walk away from it all. I insist he stay, as I think that is the game his wife is playing, to see who blinks first, for a home that only has 2 more years of mortgage and then will be free and clear and worth quite a few $$.
My confusion at the moment is where is all this R-2 “niceness” coming from? I always feel emboldened when good and mad at him, but this is different. Just waiting to see, if R-2’s “vacation glow” will fade and we will be back to old tricks again.

I think I resent the change of personality that came about during the vacation. I resent that I had to tolerate years of feeling like I am lesser than him. It seems that was how he was able to cope with his unemployment and bankruptcy 10 years ago, by making me feel like the “little woman”, even though I continued to rise up the career ladder, and took over all payments, in order to keep the life stable for my young son at the time. He recovered but the rules never changed. I was still paying everything, because he stated I dont save money. He is a good saver, but it almost feels like hoarding sometimes.

I feel leery as to what is the motivation of this change? As we both get on with jobs and just the 2 of us being in the home, it may change back to the original behavior. Not sure if he is just relaxed post-vacation or what. I dont feel love for him anymore, just a tolerance and pity for several years going back now. I see his dependency on me growing daily. I hate being the “mommy” all my life.

As for R-1, his naivete’ has put him in his situation. He also went through bankruptcy and lost over a half million dollars in stocks and investments during the 2008 crash. This exacerbated the anger and hate from his wife, and escalated the destruction of their relationship from the fine lifestyle they had before. He works 6 days a week now, and pays the house bills. He doesn’t have any significant nest egg, so is very concerned to just walk out and lose his interest in the house. Interestingly he has never asked for assistance or a dime from me, though he knows I am at a high level job and make a comfortable living. He refuses even as I had offered a small sum for an emergency that came up, and always insists on paying for all expenses when we are able to meet up.
My warning signs are the financial situation that R-1 is in, as well as some of his passivity with the family. I guess there is a downside to “too much calm” sometimes, huh? His attention and words are sweet, and I am being as rational as possible with the reality of all this. I have told him “talk is cheap..” He has stated he will walk away from all of it, pick me up and let us disappear off the grid, if I asked him to. Very tempting, but I laugh it off and say what next after that? Life is complicated on both sides, and it isn’t that easy. I am seeing that I cant depend on anyone, just me. And since my heart is numb towards R-2, it feels kind of sad to think I would just hang out here til I die?
I feel I wont marry again, to anyone. I will want the freedom to walk away from any relationship, without all the strings attached. Once married, men start to relax and not make the effort as much after the first few years.

I do love R-1 very much, but wont become so connected, that his problems become my problems due to a married legal status. Who’s kidding who? It will take years for me to go through all the legal steps of divorce myself, in order to protect and not lose all I worked for. I just want to be free to live my own life, not be responsible for coordinating R-2’s life and his increasing dependency on me to take care of everything, right down to the dental appointments, laundry, cooking and packing his lunch. It would be great to have a decent apartment and live my own life, without having to say where I am going, or having the phone ring 4-5 times when I am out shopping, etc, for the day. The way I am feeling right thismonet, is I could just get in my car, grab my dog and do a “Thelma and Louise” but without the Louise. Apologies for the long answer, just good to type out my gut!