Dear Niklas,

It sounds like you are a genuine and kind person. Not being physically attracted to someone who is ill sounds normal to me. It’s evolution … we mate with the healthy ones. So I guess from an “animal” perspective you should leave her. However, as I see it a human being is more complex. Even though animals show can show kindness and love and patience, they cannot measure up to human beings showing these higher nature qualities. And I am only talking about those sweet souls who shine, not those humans who behave worse than animals. What I am trying to say is that with your higher nature you recognize qualities of her higher nature, so there is a spiritual connection. I believe this is very special. People can recover from illness. With your support she might too. Maybe she is starving for love and nurturing, most people do. These are just some thoughts. I know there are people out there who say you can’t be in a relationship with someone you are not sexually attracted to – but maybe those who say that haven’t recognized the amazing and heroic deeds of friends, couples or even strangers who decided to stick together during the hard times. There is more glue to life than what is physical. It’s love.

Dear Smutsik,

I think people will give you different advice. Some will say stay, others will say leave. I find looks important too. However at the end of the day your loved one will always lose their looks. It’s life. People get old, people get sick. If you have found someone with such a wonderful personality that you loved her despite her illness, that’s a rare find. Any chance you can help her in her recovery process?

Hi smutsik,

I think you’re damaging her energetically by sleeping with her while pretending to be into her. And I do believe in preferences. For example, my husband wants a used car. He’s not asking for much. He’s asking for a low mileage car that’s dark on the inside, dark on the outside and with nothing weird about it. So this weekend these dealers were trying to sell him a white car that runs on diesel. So then DH was saying that he could maybe live with this car for five years. I’m all why would you pay thousands of dollars for a car you kind of like, that you want to like? You should only buy things you absolutely love. So the search continues!

With you, YES, you love her on a spiritual level. But on the primal level something is lacking. If you break up with her, will she get worse? Yes, maybe, but dear one, she had these deep underlying issues well before she met you. You cannot be or feel responsible for all of her well being. She has to take profound ownership in her own wellness.

Blessings,

Inky

• This reply was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

If what you seek is happiness, someone who loves you, and someone who is forgiving of how you physically change over time, seeking a relationship based only on physical attraction to your partner is not the way. It seems that perhaps you need to re-evaluate what your true priorities are, and make a decision based on that conclusion.

The mind and body are always at odds, but one tells the truth, and the other one lies. Your physical urges tell you that the most important beauty a person has is what you see visually, and that in order for you to be happy, you must be visually attracted to your partner. But if we think about this, looks are not permanent, and they are ever changing. There are many things that can be done to change the physical world and physical body. We can change our clothes, we can change our hair, we can change our weight, and with modern cosmetic procedures we can even change each individual feature on our body.

But I ask you, do looks make you laugh? Do they make you smile? Do they love you for who you are? When you are alone, do they fill the emptiness? When you are sad, do they understand your innermost feelings, listen to them, and comfort you? what good do any of those temperal things do when your skin is wrinkled and your hair grey?

You may see a mirage in the desert, but if foolishly you decide to follow your eyes, you will perish in the hot sun, never having been able to find life sustaining water.

Physical beauty cannot be true beauty, because it is simply a mirage that fades away. True beauty is looking into the soul of someone who wants nothing but the best for you. Its the comfort of knowing that no matter how this physical world changes over time, and how you physically change over time, that someone sees the real you, and believes you deserve happiness. It is warm heartedness and forgiveness.

If you choose to follow only your eyes, you certainly will end up dissatisfied, because even when the senses are elated, the mind and soul will continue to hunger for something deeper.

Just food for thought.

Dear smutsik:

I was diagnosed with anorexia and although I am of normal weight (on the thin side, I haven’t weighed myself for over two years out of fear of a number that will be too high). Since all anorexics share certain traits which qualify us for the diagnosis, we are not all the same person, of course. Still,  you may find the following helpful. In the following I will speak in the first person, as if I was your girlfriend: The worst thing you can tell me is that I gained weight. Please, don’t ever tell me I gained weight, that will terrify me. Don’t tell me I gained weight in any context, no matter how positively you mean it. For example, don’t tell me: “You look so good. You gained some weight! That fits you very well!” Or “I am so attracted to you, you must have gained some weight in all the right places!”

The last sentence: “I am so attracted to you, you must have gained some weight..” All I hear is “gained weight”- the beginning of the sentence “I am so attracted to you” disappear with the horror of the end of the sentence.

It is all right, smutsik, if you tell me that you are not attracted to me physically, as long as you don’t tell me I gained weight or anything that sounds like I gained weight.”

I am thinking, your focus is to not offend her by sharing with her that you lack physical attraction toward her while all along it may not be a problem for her to hear, because her focus is not on being attractive but on being thin. An anorexic wants to be thin not for the purpose of being attractive, that is not the goal.

So consider sharing with her, being authentic about your feelings, just as you shared it here. As long as you don’t tell her she gained weight, I think she may very well be okay hearing your true feelings. Try it, gently, and test it for yourself.

anita

Dear Smutsik:

I would be glad you told me and upset that you didn’t tell me earlier, that you pretended. I would be offended. Then I will no longer have a physically intimate relationship with you.  I may continue a friendship with you if you sincerely regretted your dishonesty and made real efforts to be honest and authentic with me.

anita

P.S., A comment like: “I am not attracted to you because you are too thin” is offensive for the first part of the sentence, but as a whole sentence, it is preferable to: “I am so attracted to you because you gained weight!”

is what I am saying. You are in a pickle either way.