Apologizing: When is the right time?

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This topic has 28 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 30, 2017 at 1:53 am #166178
Mary899
Participant
Hi all.

I honestly have a problem with this. Whenever I feel I have caused the slightest form of inconvenience to sb, my immediate reaction is to feel a sense of guilt and apologize for it. However, there are certain people around me who, when “get hurt” by sth that I have done, either a) start hurling insults (among them accusing me of not being able to own up to my mistake and apologize, as if I was given any real chance) or b) they give me the silent treatment and talk behind my back instead.

How am I supposed to deal with each group?

I find the thought of someone getting hurt for what “I” have done excruciating. However, when faced with these two group of people, I get extremely confused. The thing is that whenever THEY do sth that hurts me I’m quick to forgive, mostly for the sake of my own inner peace. I guess this results in people forgetting their own wrongdoings, and focusing on mine instead. Still, no matter how abusive some people are in the first place, this doesn’t justify my own mistakes and the fact that I have hurt their feelings.

What do you think is the best approach to deal with such people?
- This topic was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mary899.
August 30, 2017 at 6:38 am #166206
Inky
Participant
Hi Mary899,

I suggest not dealing with those people at all! And then, when you do have to deal with them, seek sanctuary in politeness.

If they get mad at you, simply say, “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Yes, it is essentially a NON-apology, and might make them angrier. But that’s all they deserve for hurling insults at you. Don’t apologize for anything, especially if you have done nothing wrong!

As for the people who talk behind your back and give you the silent treatment, let them talk and let yourself relish in the silence of not dealing with them.

And find a better class of friends.

Best,

Inky
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
August 30, 2017 at 9:03 am #166242

Peter
Participant

Recommend the book: Art of Forgiving: When You Need to Forgive and Don’t Know How – Lewis B. Smedes

August 30, 2017 at 6:07 pm #166304

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mary,

Are these the same two narcissist women you mentioned in a previous thread? Please don’t have any more contact with them. Pay no attention to them and what they say or do. Go where the sunshine is..to happy and positive people.

August 30, 2017 at 9:07 pm #166328

Mary899
Participant

Hi Inky:

Thank you for your advice! I very much like the statement “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Unfortunately, some of these people cannot be removed from my life as they are family members.

August 30, 2017 at 9:08 pm #166332

Mary899
Participant

Thank you for your book recommendation, Peter.

August 30, 2017 at 10:10 pm #166336

Mary899
Participant

Hi Eliana,

Thank you for your reply.

Unfortunately I’ve come to notice that this is a somewhat recurrent pattern in my life. I was raised by a mentally ill mother, who still treats me much in the same manner that the narcissist did. “You’re too sensitive.” I can’t remember the number of times that I heard this as a child after being mistreated. Come to think of it, I still hear it on a daily basis. That caused me to lose trust in my intuition whenever sth struck me as not being quite right, which I believe is the reason why I ended up in more than two abusive friendships with backstabbing people.

Classmates I can have (almost) no contact with. But what about my mother? I love her, but she cannot function as a normal person due to her illness. Being around her, so much like being around the narcissists, is like walking on eggshells. When she becomes verbally/emotionally abusive I do my best to stay calm and collected…however, there have been times that I’ve totally lost it as I was deeply hurt by sth that she had said and have said things which I’m not proud of. Other family members have scolded me for not being understanding enough towards her illness. Whenever I’m back home for holidays I’m thrown from one place to another, as, apparently, me and mom cannot live under the same roof for more than a few days.

Sometimes I can’t help but feel I’m stuck in a mess with no way out. College used to be the joy of my life… it’s the number 1 university of our country, I had worked hard to get accepted, I was passionate about my field of study, I’ve been at the top of my class with the maximum GPA, I had dreams of becoming a professor…I also “thought” I had made some friends who I could count on for the rest of my life.

However, now it seems as if everything has been collapsed and shattered to pieces. It seems as if I’m neither welcome to my hometown, nor to my college city. I’m don’t feel as passionate as before about my studies as they remind me of my failed relationships with my college friends. Sometimes I can’t help thinking I’ve brought this all upon myself, and now I have to pay for it.

Do you have any advice on how I’m supposed to deal with my mother?

Thank you again, Eliana.

Mary

August 31, 2017 at 5:13 am #166346

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mary,

Yes, I too have dealt with this for a long time beginning in early childhood by a very mentally unstable alcoholic Mother. I was raised in a very chaotic dysfunctional home. I then picked the “wrong people” for friendships, I ended up getting manipulated, controlled, betrayed, bullied, this continued into middle school. I finally had enough, and in High school, got into horses and showing them to get away from the “cliques” in high school. I made one or two friends, but I was very distant and they were a grade lower than me (11th grade). I tended to make friends with people, who too were not in cliques, and unpopular. It made life easier that way. Yet, I couldn’t wait to get out of school to get to my horses. It seemed animals were my only “true” friends.

Even with therapy, I can still get into toxic relationships. I think because I have no family left and I can get lonely, so I no longer get choosy as to pick out who I become friends with. If I do, I try not to get too emotionally attached, so I don’t get manipulated, or two women will “gang up” on me, etc. My therapist have me two great books, I highly recommend them. One is: “The Nice Girl Syndrone, Stop being manipulated and start standing up for yourself” by Beverly Engel. The other is: Enough! Taking back your life after years of abuse” by L. David Harris. You can get these at your library or Amazon or any bookstore.

August 31, 2017 at 5:50 am #166358

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary899:

You wrote in your original post: “whenever THEY do sth that hurts me I’m quick to forgive, mostly for the sake of my own inner peace. I guess this results in people forgetting their own wrongdoings, and focusing on mine instead.”-

When someone accuses you of something, and you automatically apologize, without figuring first if indeed their accusation is true, then what you do is submitting (yielding, caving in) to the other person, showing to them that they have power over you. Many will take your submission and take even more power over you, not to your benefit!

You wrote: “Still, no matter how abusive some people are in the first place, this doesn’t justify my own mistakes and the fact that I have hurt their feelings. What do you think is the best approach to deal with such people?”-

When someone acts abusively to you, you should not be available to the abuse. It doesn’t matter if the abusive person is a stranger or your own mother, there should be no contact, not in person, not a phone contact, no contact. That is the only way for you to protect yourself and protecting yourself from abuse is your responsibility, your job.

When you are not available to abuse, you don’t have to worry about how you should or shouldn’t respond to it. You are simply not there for it.

anita

August 31, 2017 at 1:58 pm #166430
Mary899
Participant
Hi Eliana,

I can understand the pain that you went through…trying to stay sane in a chaotic, toxic environment is never easy, especially during the formative years of childhood and adolescence. You strike me as a wise, caring and loving lady…I wish you happiness and fulfillment in all your relationships.

“Cliques”…what is exactly up with them? Come to think of it, when I was friends with each of these girls individually everything was going fine. However, suddenly these girls decided to make friends with one another, forming a sort of clique, and there came a day that they felt this need to, as you said, gang up on me.
I agree that having no family member around results in you feeling alone, which then results in you lowering your standards when it comes to picking friends.

Having moved to a big city from a relatively small one, I had to leave all my family members as well as my old, “healthy” friends behind, which caused an extreme sense of loneliness. However, I have come to realize it’s much better to be alone than with a wrong, abusive group.

Thank you for the book recommendations! I especially like the title of the first one. I’ll go search for them.

Mary
- This reply was modified 7 years, 3 months ago by Mary899.
August 31, 2017 at 2:27 pm #166434

Mary899
Participant

Hi anita,

I can understand your point on letting sb have power over you by accepting the blame without first examining and evaluating the situation. There are times however, that I hear how I’ve hurt sb’s feelings by saying or doing sth. At such times I don’t know what to do. If I do say that I’m sorry, as you said, they’re going to take control over me and misuse it. If I don’t, I’ll be accused of not being able to own up to my mistakes.

Also, at least for the few years to come, having no contact with my mom is not possible as we live in the same house. Moving out is still not an option. All I can do is to go from one relative’s home to the other, which causes a great deal of anxiety.

Mary

September 1, 2017 at 11:45 am #166550

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Mary:

When someone tells you how you hurt their feelings “by saying or doing something”- consider whether what you said or did was indeed offensive.

Let’s say person X says: my favorite color is red. Person Y says: My favorite color is blue. Both shared their favorite color, nothing to it. Except that person X feels hurt, believing she was just criticized for liking the color red, so she tells person Y: you hurt my feelings!

Should person Y apologize to person X?

Regarding your second paragraph of last post to me, it is unfortunate that you are living in the same house with your abusive mother and that the idea of living elsewhere is either impossible or is causing you a great deal of anxiety.

anita

September 1, 2017 at 2:13 pm #166560

Mary899
Participant

Dear anita,

I agree. There’s no need to apologize for asserting your own ideas and opinions in a civilized manner…and those who manage to get offfened and “hurt”, well, I guess it’s their problem, not mine.

However, there are scenarios in which the thing I have done has been offensive based on my own evaluation. On a particular occasion, I remember telling someone a lie about sth personal. At the time I did it because I knew telling her the truth would mean she’d immediately start rumors circulating around, causing unnecessary drama. Time passed, she learned the truth through sb I had confinded in earlier, and so it happened. Rumors, drama, insults…plus being called a liar.

I know that there are lessons to be learned from this…learning to set stronger boundaries to avoid such problems is one of them. I’m still confused, though. I know that lying is a sign of being immature. I admit to the fact that I made a mistake. The person that I’m talking about, however, did not accept a simple apology. She continued with her insulting and talking behind my back, demanding me to actually “show” how sorry I was rather than just saying it, constantly reminding me of how hurt she was. This got me into thinking that maybe I shouldn’t haveven admitted having done sth wrong in the first place as it only seemed to have had worsen the situation.

With regards to my mom…do you have any advice on what I can do to minimize the tension and anxiety while living in the same house with her?

Mary

September 1, 2017 at 7:07 pm #166608

Eliana
Participant

Hi Mary,

I have a challenge for you. Go out, maybe to an espresso shop, a park, a bookstore, the YMCA, join a volunteer group, or volunteer at an animal shelter or even join a book club or support group. And strike up a conversation with 3 women. These women need to be (1) pleasant, (2) kind, (3) easy to talk to. Get to know these women. Make sure they do not gossip, that they are happy with their lives, have hobbies, work they enjoy, things they are passionate about. Become friends with these women. Do not have any more contact with the other toxic women. Don’t worry about X is saying about Y, drama, or anything. Stay far away. Don’t even talk about it. Focus on happy people and make friends with them. Do positive things with them such as joining a book club, support group, wine tasting, or any other hobby.

As far as your Mother, is there a therapist or couselor you can get support from? I want to hear back from you about the wonderful and positive friendships you have made okay? ☺

Have a wonderful weekend.

September 1, 2017 at 11:07 pm #166644

Mary899
Participant

Dear Eliana,

Omg, I absolutely love your challenge, and I’m more than willing to take it on!☺

I’ll be back to college (which is located in a different city) in about three weeks or so…until then, I’ll be searching and learning about the places that I can visit and the groups which I can join. Finally I’ve got sth to look forward to, thank you
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