My boyfriend and I are both 23 years old and graduated from college a few months ago. We have been dating for about a year and a half. We were very much in love but we often fought while we were in school. I would turn something small into an argument. If I felt there was anything wrong at all, I would often lash out. More recently, the relationship has turned rather toxic because of the fights. I struggle with anxiety and with graduation approaching and a lot of change occurring, I pressured my bf into giving me a set plan for what the future of our relationship would be. I would ask about an engagement, etc.

While still in school, we had planned to get a place together after the summer of graduation. He has gotten a good job near his home town which is three hours away from me and it was our plan that I would find work there and we would move in together. In the meantime, we see each other most weekends. Mid-summer, my bf told me that he didn’t think we should move in together anymore. He felt that we weren’t in a good place because of the fighting and he wanted things to get better before getting a place. My anxiety rose and I called him one night to break up with him unless he could tell me what our future was. I wanted a plan. After I ended the call, I soon texted him trying to take back the breakup. He had already turned off his phone for the night but the next morning he said we needed to take some time to see if this relationship was really healthy for us. He wouldn’t speak to me for a few days and cancelled our weekend plans. On that Friday, he called and said he thought my apology was sincere and that we should keep trying. He then invited me to come that weekend as we had previously planned he and confided that “things would be better.” I was so relieved but the problem now is that in the last couple of months things have changed drastically. Since this terrible incident that I feel very guilty about, I have gone to counseling to try to control my anxiety. I truly don’t feel the need to fight about small things anymore and we have not had any small fights like we used to for a couple of months now. We have had some very hard talks about our relationship though.

I have been really hurt about him not wanting to move in together. I am now living with my parents and feel very lost. After some really hard talks he told me that he did not know what he wants and that he couldn’t promise me anything. The entire dynamic of the relationship seemed to change. He also said that he wanted to take things slow and that after a year we can see where we are at and that he wanted to make sure that this was worth it. That really hurt me because I am left feeling that he does not see my worth. I do understand how he feels because the fighting was unhealthy and it did get really bad but now nothing is the same. I feel that he controls the whole relationship. I am ready to get back to the commitment we once had but he does not seem to want to commit on any level other than that we are in a relationship. It also hurts that he wants to take things slow. We already live three hours apart and only see each other some weekends. He is very okay with the distance and not seeing me very much. He claims that we both have a lot of growing to do but I wanted us to grow together. I feel like I am not a priority to him as I once was. He is very happy and thriving at his new successful job, hes exciting about getting a new car that he can now afford and he works out everyday. I think he is feeling really good about himself and I am happy for him. However, I feel that I have been put on the back burner. I try to express to him that I am unhappy with the distance and the pace and he just says that he doesn’t know what I want him to say and that it is just how he feels. I am scared that his intentions are not true and that he may be thinking the grass in greener with someone else. It feels that he is doing the bare minimum to keep the relationship going. He said after our big fight, he rly snapped and did not feel the same about me anymore and that it would take time to repair that. I have a hard time thinking that that is the only reason for all this space he is creating. It also makes me nervous that if problems arise in our future, that this is how he deals with them. I cry almost everyday because I feel that I am not enough. I always wait for him to speak to me first as a way to validate that he still cares. I feel that my needs are not being met and that he does not care to meet me half way. It seems that now he knows that I will take whatever he can give and it makes me nervous that things will never change. I am holding on the the commitment we once shared. He used to be scared to lose me and now I barely recognize him. Also, when I mention that I would still move to the city that he is in but in my own apartment, he says that it is up to me. I feel like someone who really wants the relationship to work would encourage me moving to the same area. No one wants to be long distance unless they have to. I am looking for work and have the flexibility to go where I would like.

I am so lost as to what do to. We are a very attractive, young couple and we look great on paper but I do not want to invest time in someone who does not have my best interest at heart. I do understand why he has some reservations but how long do I have to feel bad about the fighting? I have done everything I can to work on myself. I feel that I do not know how to love him at the moment because he seems distant and wants to slow down while I want to love fully and be fully committed like we once were. I find myself starting to resent him and think that he is self centered now that he has a job and is feeling more confident with his looks. When you strip all that away, I am not sure I like what I see. He used to be very receptive to my feelings and recently i told him i was feeling unhappy and he said “feel better” at the end of our phone call. I felt so unsupported. I don’t know how to love him when he is unsure of what he wants. He says he still loves me and cares for me but is unsure about the future and that we have some growing to do.

How do I cope with his terms? or should I just end things and find the love and comitment that i want? I feel that I can be happy if he commits to me like he did in the past. It is very hard to me to navigate what the right choice is. We are still really young and I do understand that we have growing to do but I feel like my world has been flipped and am not sure how to proceed. I am in a lot of pain and would like to progress or move on.