Impulse control / impulsive selftalk

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This topic has 22 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 10 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 17, 2018 at 9:24 am #221909

Lara
Participant

Hello,

impulse control has always been a problem for me, be it eating too much, trichotillomania, chewing on fingernails, online gaming addiction, you name it. Luckily I stayed clear of drugs, alcohol and smoking. Nowadays its not so bad anymore, I avoid online games as much as possible and trichotillomania is mostly very low level.But there is one thing that is still problematic and that is negativ self talk that I actually voice out loud.

To give you some background it started when I was finishing high school, at that time we had final exams and I was under extreme pressure (from myself) since I suffer from severe exams nerves and at the time I had no too tools to deal with it. I also suffered from depression at the time. I would rumminate in my head about all that I did wrong and how I was a failure and suddenly started to say out loud “I hate you”. That was so frightening at first that it snapped me out of the rummination. Also had the benefit that I mostly forgot what I had been thinking about.

In the years to follow other sentences followed “You are a bad person”, “when will you finally end it” (though I am not actually suicidal), “why can’t I be better?”. I only say this when I am not around other people or when I am not aware I am around other people, so on some level there is control but on a conscious level I usually only notice after I said it. This has actually cost me a job opportunity once so I wonder if there is a way to deal with it.

Does someone have advice? Or maybe even experienced it theirselfes? I tried to google it but for me it doesn’t quite fit with tourrette or OCD. I am sure I am not the only one, maybe I just I just don’t know the right specific term for it?

August 17, 2018 at 9:31 am #221911

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lara:

I don’t quite understand: if you don’t voice those thoughts when around people, what is the damage to you (and how was it that you may have lost a job opportunity because of voicing such thoughts)?

Also, as these thoughts take on your voice and are articulated, is it a complete surprise to you or is there a compulsion to say these things, compulsions that you try to resist before the words are said, and when the words are said, are they said in a rush, a hurry or in a normal tone and pace?

anita

August 17, 2018 at 10:36 am #221943

Peter
Participant

What you describe is normal, in that most people at some point in their lives have experience of such negative self-talk, if not a daily occurrence at some level. You are correct that such negative self-talk can become a habit.

You’re on the right track by noticing and asking yourself what the payoff of such self-talk has for you.

Its interesting that at a phycological symbolic level the ‘step mother’ in the hero journey often represents negative self talk and inability to positively nurture themselves that the hero needs to overcome.

As we transition into adulthood one of the tasks is to come to terms with the mother/father complex. This may or may not have anything to do with our parents but instead is about taking ownership nurturing/protecting ourselves. Positively connecting to the mother/father archetypes.

3 Reasons to Stop Worrying About Your Negative Thoughts

August 18, 2018 at 6:34 am #222003
Lara
Participant
Dear anita,

thank you for your reply. Indeed, most of the time it doesn’t seem so problematic. But sometimes I slip or can’t help be overheard. I might be in my thoughts standing in front of the supermarket unlocking my bycicle when it happens, having people nearby, or just walking down the street. More than one stranger probably thought I was a lunatic. But those are strangers anyway, more troublesome was once when I was standing together with friends and it happened, I said it low voice and luckily either they didn’t hear it or pretended they didn’t. Recently I am sure my mother overheard when I thought I was all alone at home and she came back. And I just remembered when I was abroad studying and suffering from severe depression sat in my room and shouted stuff like “I hate you”, probably half the dorm heard me but I was at a point where I didn’t care anymore. There were no direct repercussions but I wonder how many people think I am crazy.

As for the job opportunity I had been in contact with a job agency, we had some calls and I was calling them back one day, talking to the answering machine. Needless to say applications are stressful, I felt my voice was wobbly when talking and once I ended the call I said “I hate you” right away. Only I hadn’t actually ended the call, only flipped the cover of the smartphone close. So that also was recorded. Never heard from them again, which I can totally understand, thing is even if that particular job wouldn’t have worked out they have connections and constantly look for entry lvl applicants, so this was a good opportunity lost.

As to your last question: I don’t articulate the sentences in my head before saying them. Saying them doesn’t shock me anymore but sometimes I am like “okay where did that come from now” especially when its a new sentence. Its automatic in that I am not aware when I start talking, but with concentration I can stop midsentence and not finish. Tone of voice depends on my stress level, maybe sad, angry, calm and when I am really angry with myself over something I might actually shout (though not lately in the past months).
- This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Lara.
August 18, 2018 at 7:05 am #222013

Lara
Participant

Dear Peter,

thank you for your reply, that article looks very interesting and I will study it closely. And I totally agree that it is important to take charge of nurturing/ protecting oneself, the older I get the better I manage to do that.

While I think everyone has negative thoughts about themselfs, not everyone voices them, so I am at a loss as to what to do.

August 18, 2018 at 7:09 am #222015

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lara:

I should have asked, “I hate you!”- who is the you, do you know? I assumed you were referring to yourself?

Other statements: “You are a bad person”, “When will you finally end it” and “Why can’t I be better?”

You wrote that you googled and it doesn’t fit Tourette’s and OCD. Interestingly enough I have suffered from both, Tourette’s and OCD from a very young age, diagnosed with both as an adult. In addition to these two, I also blurted out statements to strangers similar to what you described. I say “in addition” because my said out loud statements were not the tics and compulsions of Tourette’s and OCD that I experienced.

But the driving force for the tics, the compulsions and the statements was the same, anxiety/ distress. Fear is a very powerful emotion, energy-in-motion; it moves our muscles. In nature animals, when feeling fear, are motivated to run (muscles moving) or fight (… muscles moving). We are animals living in a complex society and in childhood we have nowhere to run to and no one we can fight. So we are stuck doing nothing. But the fear still motivates us to move, our muscles to contract, so some of us move via tics, and/ or OCD compulsions, and/or blurting out statements.

What do you think?

anita

August 21, 2018 at 12:36 pm #222401

Anonymous
Inactive

Lara, you’re definitely not the only one. I’ve had 2 friends with similar issues. Each one had the habit of saying hateful things to herself when she was alone. I’d overhear it, but had no idea how to handle it at the time.

Both friends were extremely anxious people. They lived in fear and never spoke up when they got bullied. It was like they tried to bottle up their fear, but since that’s impossible, it’d explode in the form of compulsive habits. Most of the time, the hateful phrases escaped from their mouths before they even realized it. Then, the resulting shame worsens things.

Have you tried keeping a daily journal of when your impulses show up? You could write down, for example, what was happening beforehand and your thoughts and emotions (before, during and after). This allows you to be more mindful about the impulses and gives you some control.

What makes you say that OCD doesn’t fit with your situation? I’d highly suggest seeking professional help. I’ve read that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helps alleviate OCD, though another solution might work better for you.

In any case, know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel, Lara!

August 25, 2018 at 6:13 pm #223055

Angie
Participant

Lara,

This is something I do as well, and as they say, “the struggle is real,” haha. Nobody, under any circumstance, appreciates hearing, “Just kill yourself,” even if it’s not directed towards them, so I believe I share your pain. It happens when our thoughts become too loud and/or fast. Like what you stated, it snaps me away from a thought even if only for a few seconds (which I think is why this became a habit, it actually -sort of- works), and is usually unforseeable enough to prevent.

What we do is a verbal form of self-harm. I’ve noticed that creative hobbies and focusing on puzzles and games during down time helps. Or any leisurely activity that lowers stress and keeps your inner voice exercised in talking about the task and not yourself. For example, thinking, “This piece can’t go here or here, so it must go there,” weighs less than, “I didn’t do that right.”. Having a variety of these at the ready is a good idea in case you get bored of one. Reading out loud keeps my voice occupied with non-destructive things, if that makes sense. What works for you might be different from what works for me, so just experiment!

It really is a tough thing to live with, and if I understand you correctly, stems from wanting to be a better person. Maybe you have in mind an ideal version of yourself or how things should be, but you feel like you’re not living up to that. You want to take responsibility, and the voicing comes from feeling in that moment that there’s nothing you can do, you’re stuck.

Another thing you can try is taking time to think about people you admire and people you’re not particularly fond of. Create a spectrum of what their strengths and weaknesses are (keep in mind that your version will probably differ at least a little from what they think of themselves), and carefully consider where your own strengths and weaknesses fall on that spectrum. Lo and behold, it’s all over the place.

I can’t speak for everybody, but doing this periodically helps restore a sense of validity. So if you feel in that there’s nothing you can do about bettering yourself today, then at least you can get yourself some mental security that hey, you’re not doing as bad as you thought.

I couldn’t believe coming across your post. I’ve never met anyone who does the same, and it does feel quite crazy and lonely. Thank you so much for sharing!

-Angie

August 28, 2018 at 9:15 am #223409

Lara
Participant

Dear anita,

sorry that I get back to you and everyone so late. I can only post from the library but didn’t make it there recently.

Indeed, “I hate you” is allways meant towards me, though it should actually be “I hate me” then. Kind of like distancing myself from myself maybe?

You theory sounds very true. When I was suffering from depression I remember how I would feel the fear in my whole body, especially my arms for some reason, it was nearly painful sometimes. Yes, definitely energy without an outlet. It makes sense then, that the energy would find an outlet this way as you say. In the past years my mood has improved a lot through therapy, I also tried various sports so there was an energy-outlet there. Sometimes I have set backs, I guess with depression there is allways that risk. But it got better overall.

Did you find a way to deal better with blurting out stuff to strangers and with Tourette and OCD?

August 28, 2018 at 9:32 am #223413

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lara:

No problem on my end, you replying whenever you can, days after even months after is fine.

“Yes, definitely energy without an outlet”- agreed. You asked if I found a way to deal better with blurting out stuff- I know I stopped that part. Still have some Tourette’s tics and the urge to do the OCD compulsions is way, way weaker, hardly exists.

I would say that the main thing that was helpful to me was to be physically away from my mother. But then, when I was with her again, all my distress returned. Over time any progress I made away from her was undone by the visits. Being in her presence triggered that energy without an outlet. I had to do what I always did, stay even though I wanted to run, be polite even though I wanted to fight (the Flight/ Fight reactions blocked).

I finally cut all contact with her and that was very helpful, I was no longer stuck with her, unable to run or fight. Basically what I did by ending contact with her was the Flight option. I ran.

anita

August 28, 2018 at 9:40 am #223419

Lara
Participant

Dear Annie Moussu,

thank you, this is actually the first time that someone said he knows people with this particular problem. I knew of course that I was very unlikely to be the only one, but it was so difficult to find anything on this. Its very interesting to know

I guess you just pretended this didn’t happen when you overheard your friends? Frankly for me that would have been the best reaction of all if I had been your friend, simply not knowing that you overheard me, not having to worry that you think I am weird and need to be avoided.

Very luckily I don’t live in constant fear anymore, but I did in the past. Yes, it’s well possible that this habit originated from fear.

I have not yet tried to keep a journal. Maybe that would be a good thing to try. I am worried though that someone would find it somehow, but maybe I can just make sure noone will, taking good care. Thank you, this is a good suggestion.

When I read about OCD on Wikipedia for example, this just doesn’t really fit. Maybe compulsions “act compulsively so as to mitigate the anxiety that stems from particular obsessive thoughts” but I don’t say it for hours and speech is hardly mentioned in the article. But I am not a doctor.

I have been in therapy before and it can be helpful indeed. But I don’t want to start from zero again telling my lifestory, its exhausting (even though there aren’t any mayor trauma). I am not even sure a theraphist can help in this case.

August 28, 2018 at 9:50 am #223421

Lara
Participant

Dear anita,

wow, that is one very specific trigger! I am sorry that you have such a mother, but I am glad you are doing so much better and that you share all that you learned with people in this forum. This forum is such a beacon for people because of people like you. I don’t know any other forum where I could have shared this problem with others and feel understood.

For me I think the fear and negative thoughts come from within. Yes, in a way the fear originated from my parents, they ingrained certain beliefs in me not because they are vicious but I think because they didn’t know any better. Nowadays I see that more clearly and I recognize when they act a certain way. So they are still a trigger of anger sometimes, but I can (often) seperate myself from that because I know they are not out to attack me or put me down (like your mother probably did, right?) . So going no contact in this case wouldn’t help, I would rather have to go on no contact from myself somehow if that were possible.

August 28, 2018 at 10:21 am #223425

Lara
Participant

Dear Angie, you are the first person I met who actually has the same problem. Thank you for sharing this here as well!

” Nobody, under any circumstance, appreciates hearing, “Just kill yourself”. Indeed, they don’t! “You are the worst” also doesn’t really go over well for some reason.

A verbal form of selfharm, yes that sounds about right. Though no matter how often I say to myself “you are a bad person” I don’t really believe it, you know what I mean? But I often wonder if it doesn’t become more real with repetition.

You have allready found a bunch of interesting ways to deal with this! I think I will try that out, thank you.

Yes, I often feel not good enough. Not good enough at social interactions, not getting far in life though I had so many possibilties, not having many friends etc. Sometimes I manage to turn this around and say “hey I had all this depression and fear going and still manage to do ….” though.

Your suggestion about thinking about people I admire is totally new to me, I will have to think about that one.

August 28, 2018 at 10:52 am #223431

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lara:

Will you elaborate on “in a way the fear originated from my parents, they ingrained certain beliefs”- what beliefs were those?

I will be away from the computer shortly and be back in about 16 hours to re-read your latest posts and maybe the answer to my question above. I will reply when I am back.

anita

August 29, 2018 at 9:07 am #223579

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Lara:

You wrote: “I think the fear and negative thoughts come from within. Yes, in a way the fear originated from my parents”- the messages we receive from our parents become our thoughts. The dominant/ most present parent in a child’s life becomes sort of a fixture in the child’s brain that keeps talking to the child throughout her life. It is living with a mental representative of the parent within.

“I would rather have to go on no contact from myself somehow if that were possible”- can you tell me more about that, what you mean by it?

anita
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