“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder
I’ve had my share of toxic relationships. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who weren’t rooting for our highest good.
As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically.
I felt like less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.
I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize as I denied all that was natural for me.
The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.
I hung around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”
Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.
Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says is right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!
While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us change and growth should feel good!
When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.
But our intuition knows best. Unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.
“Toxic” doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship. I’d like to share how I learned to recognize when I was in a relationship that wasn’t suitable for me.
These are five signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.
The other person constantly puts you down and treats you like you’re not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.
2. Everything is about them and never about you.
You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered, and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.
3. You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person.
Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.
4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.
You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, and neither do your closest friends and family.
5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.
Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.
If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.
Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.
Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.
You may choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you may decide to put more space between the two of you.
If you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship, it’s important that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.
Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.
An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.
About Yvette Bowlin
Yvette Bowlin, an expert in decluttering your life, coaches on how to clear clutter from the inside out. Her trademarked philosophy and techniques are the first of their kind to help business owners declutter for clarity, balance, peace, and productivity. Find Yvette on Twitter and Facebook and visit her site at mind.declutterist.com.
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Though I run this site, it is not mine. It's ours. It's not about me. It's about us. Your stories and your wisdom are just as meaningful as mine.
I’m afraid of the repercussions…
I recently just got out of a toxic relationship. I have experienced all 5 signs and was never willing to face the truth. In the end I felt as though I had changed so much from who I thought I was and none of the changes felt positive. I have never felt more confused and lost in who I am spiritually and what path I am going to take with my life as I am now that I am no longer in the relationship. This person was the biggest love I had ever known. All my plans and goals centered around making this person happy not realizing in the moment that it was at the expense of my self worth and happiness. Everything is all in retrospect now and the journey begins to heal myself again. This website helps with that.
Not to assume that your relationship was toxic, but sounds like you’re in a better place outside of it? Or at least that’s the hope you have. And hope’s a start. A good lesson here might be that we all have to balance the love we have for one with the love we have for ourselves and others. It’s all the same love, just expressed differently. Why should we feel the need to build our lives around one person when we have our families, friends, and others that are just as much a part of our lives?
All the best on your journey toward healing. I’m glad you’re seeking resources to help along your path. You’re going to be just fine!
Well done for leaving this relationship. I am in the process of doing this myself. My partner was using drugs and this changed him into someone i didnt like anymore. I am hurting as i love this guy, but there is no future in it.
I am strong enough to get out now before things get worse.
We can survive this as we can now be ourselves and take care of our own needs. Respect to you! :-
Just reading this comment. I can so relate to this. I truly loved this person and as you have done all my plans and goals centered around that. I too am now on my healing journey. This has been a very difficult lesson for me. I hope I can grow and learn from it.
This sounds all too familiar! I think I’ve been on the same train, perhaps in the seat adjacent to you.
Dear Yvette,
All combined, your five-point check list sounds like the worst possible domination and brain-washing torture conceivable. It almost sounds too melodramatic to be real. And yet people I know have described their failed marriages and horrid husbands in those terms. I can’t imagine anyone tolerating that, but people do, mostly because they’ve been trained to believe there is nothing better to escape to.
Or worse – that they won’t survive outside their partner’s control.
Or even worse – that they will be physically harmed if they try to leave, and their children will as well.
Then someone shoots a gun, someone dies and the story makes the headlines.
But there are other situations, the opposite in nature, that can crush the soul just as much, but it takes a thousand cuts to do it.
I’m talking about emotional abandonment. Physical separation too.
I’m talking about friends and family who don’t return letters and calls, who don’t follow through with a promise only to say they meant to. I’m talking about the passive/aggressive message sent with silence that says, “You’re not important enough in my life to respond to you. Maybe I will someday. But only when everything else is taken care of.”
How many “friendships” like this do we rationalize keeping, thinking… “They have lots of things going in their life. They’ll eventually call back. It’s not about me.”
That’s right. It’s not about me. But it should be!
Unless our friends are really sick or away or someone died, they should be there for us when we need them. And if they can’t be, they should tell us why. And if they don’t tell us why, they’re not our friends, and pretending they are will serve no constructive purpose.
Frankly, I’ve let those marginal “friendships” go. With family, it’s more complicated and so I’ve kept up the pretense of compatibility. But with friends who drift away, and then pretend it hasn’t happened, I still cut the rope. Because there’s nothing to lose.
So you’re right, I don’t have a large circle of friends. But the ones I do have, are real. And I’m making new ones.
Thanks for letting me rant, Yvette. But I stayed on topic.
Irv
I’d like to add a more positive note that I should have mentioned when I wrote my comment last night.
In every case where a friend left me hanging, I explained how that hurt. On a number of occasions, those people apologized and we did come back together. And it’s been good. I dropped the resentments.
So I guess what I should have stressed more than anything, is that if we are hurt, we should let our loved ones know about it. As my wife pointed out, we own it to THEM. We have to give them the chance to express in action, that they want us in their lives.
If they don’t, there is nothing we can do about it. If they do, then we are all the more richer in love.
Irv
I really appreciate your perspective, Irv. You’re bringing to light our own role in a relationship. It’s not up to the other person to make us happy, however as a joint, mutual effort toward ‘communing’, it’s nice that both parties actually communicate. This is how we get along and flow with each other. We all deal with conflict differently, as is evidenced by what annoys us, irritates us, causes us to leave… As we learn and grow in knowing and understanding the other person (which will be an ongoing practice as we each constantly change and grow), it becomes easier to see the heart of this person and hold compassion for her/him even in the most upsetting moments. Being able to progress past the battles and bitterness is truly rewarding as long as you stayed true to yourself in the process.
Leaving is not always the solution and neither is staying. It’s all up to you. It’s your call to make. Whether a relationship is serving you or not is up to you–it’s for you to evaluate.
Here’s to being richer in love,
Yvette
I guess this is kind of late in coming, but does anyone have any advice when it comes to immediate family members? I have struggled for years – my entire life (24 years old) – with the relationship with my mother. My earliest memories are of verbally abusive/violent situations (though she has never actually beat me) as a little girl. These violent bursts were always followed with her spending money on me (a new dress, shoes, taking me out to dinner, etc) to make up for it. My mom shows many signs of BPD (borderline personality disorder).
I have really struggled with both sides. I have always wanted to have a close, loving relationship with my mother, but feel I have constantly compared her to what I imagined moms “should” be like – loving, attentive, affectionate. My mom was none of those things. A lot of behavioral/lifestyle differences have put a wedge between my mom & I. For example, she drinks coffee, smokes, watches TV all day, doesn’t help out around the house (so then my hard-working father comes home to take care of everything when he is done working).
I realize that those days are over, I am no longer a little girl. I am an adult, but I do happen to be a bit of a boomerang child, as I work abroad & come home for months at a time before heading back. So, when I am visiting home (like right now) I am disgusted with who I become around my mother. Normally people are always telling me how nice & friendly I am – because I think that is more or less my true self. But around my mother, I am always looking & assuming the worst in her. I know it is wrong, and it isn’t who I usually am (not with anyone else). I develop anger issues (or they surface, rather) when I am around my mother too long (some days more than 60 seconds).
I know my mom & I cannot have the close mother/daughter relationship I sometimes still hope we can have, but I am having a hard time letting go of that/those expectations & appreciating my mom for her good traits (for instance, that she can be funny). What are some tips on developing healthy relationships to parents as you transition to adulthood?
I recently walked out of a toxic relationship of 4 years. It was a very difficult decision, one that spanned over a year as i thought he was the one. We were on our way to getting engaged sooner or later. I can’t put my finger on one or more of the 5 signs listed above but I need to say that I didn’t feel good. The last year was excruciating with lots of changes and sacrifices from my end and nothing very tangible from his. I felt like I was not a priority, though everything he did, in effect was supposedly for me and us. Through these times I realized that anyone who truly loved you, would always pay heed to your needs, stated or otherwise. Someone who’s not doing this, might claim that they have a different way of showing their love, but if thats not in sync with what you want form life,. then that’s your cue to rethink the relationship.
I believe that in the saying “You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free”. Right now, I’m single and though I feel lost and alone on certain days, I need to admit that I feel free, free to be myself, and relieved to be out. That feeling, amidst it all, in my opinion, is priceless.
I was in the same boat, left a toxic relationship after 2 years, and like you thought I had finally found the one, which was why it was so hard to let it go. It came to a point where I was so unhappy that I used to cry and beg God to let me not wake up in the morning. It seemed the more I tried to fix things, the worse they became and all the blame somehow landed at my feet. Eventually though, thanks to having stayed in previous toxic relationships for longer than I should have, I learnt that this was not serving my highest good, and I walked away. Like you, I have felt alone and sad, and lost, but I am also climbing out of that hole, and I no longer feel put down and unworthy. I realise now that what I was experiencing was not real love, but more a response to wanting love, because love does not do that to you and yes the relief of being free far outweighs the loneliness. I am learning that my own company is actually enjoyable and to love and accept me for who I am.
Thts how I feel I’m trying to get more and more closer to god becuz he always was here with me…..hwevr it seem like god is not listening. To me I feel he. Is
Wow … I so agree with this post. 2.5 years I was in. My guy did everything for me. Everyone thought he is such a good guy … Then I got made redundant. I lost my confidence my self esteem my identity. I recognise myself from the independent woman I was earlier. I asked my partner to help me. He did everything. What people didn’t see was what he didn’t do. Yes he made the right noises but things somehow never happened and I remained on my ass findIng solice in a bottle of wine vodka you name it I drank it. i looked at him one day and questioned … Why is it you do everything except what I really need your help with??? I concluded he liked me there. I concluded that he wanted me to run out of money, so couldn’t afford my apartment and that I would have to be dependant on him…. Well he has denied this. I feel quite mad to be honest but there really isn’t any other explanation on why you would take a vibrant funny outgoing lady and watch her reduce to a dithering wreck, to frightened to go out, ashamed and a drunk …
When this dawning came for me, I left his house, went back to my unfinished apartment and started again. I got help with the alcohol (not touched a drop in 6 months), have 2 new jobs starting in the new year and I am finally smiling again … But like you said in your post… Everything was subtle, he was nice and ready to do anything for me. I didn’t see that slowly I was losing control and he was taking it. I couldn’t put my finger on what was wrong. Until that day. It was like a light came on
IME what is called a toxic relationship can have much to teach us.
NOT IF IT’S KILLING YOU, OF COURSE. As the writer of the post says, if you’re being hurt, get help and get out.
But otherwise, and especially if you’re toxic yourself, wait around to learn the lesson.
I used to be so very angry – as my kids will tell you.
And though a psychologist might tell me that my undeniably angry husband is ‘toxic’ I think we’re all strong enough to use this for our good.
1. I have had to face my own unacceptable anger and deal with it. Every day i am thankful for that opportunity.
2. My husband has had a rough life.
Yes, we could add ourselves to the long line of ppl who have kicked him into touch, or permit him to walk out on us, or we could give him – repeatedly – the opportunity to be loved for who he is, warts and all. Everyone deserves that.
3. People have complicated lives. Sometimes I have so much on my plate that, much as I adore my friends, I cannot spare them the energy and time I would love to be able to. sometimes i can spare no time at all. Sometimes i need to talk through a challenge life has thrown into my path with someone i trust. But i can’t return the favour and listen to their problems at the same time because mine are too great.
and sometimes my friends find the same happens in their lives.
Do I write them off because they are toxic ppl who talk and think only of themselves, moan about their life, and make our time spent together so uncomfortable?
No – I. understand. i offer them the space and time they need to do what they need to do. I trust them to be doing what’s right for them. And me.
And when we have moved past the challenges life threw up – maybe after days or months or years – i know we might spend happy times together again. Or we might not. It’s ok.
That’s what friends are for.
Don’t fear the challenges – face them, be with them, sit with them.
Don’t fear that toxic person! Before you turn your back on them think: could this be the very person I need in my life today ?
Love and light
you need help . . . & you DONT need 2 be giving anone any advice . . . i know enough 2 KNOW THIS !
in reguards 2 the 5 step plan that is . . .
You are partly right and we do have help. We are working together, healing our relationship (we are not bad people – all of us are angels at heart); working to a better life and a better way of being, every day. I disagree with you about my right to write about my situation – what you call ‘giving advice’. We are all free to ‘give advice’; none of us has to take it. it is for each individual to decide whether to take it depending upon their own life path, which may be very different to one’s own. My post is not irresponsibly written – it carries a health warning at the top. I acknowledge that I have expressed a different point of view, and have done so because in my case, and so perhaps in others, there is another way. Love and light.
Absolutely don’t fear anyone–thank you for that clarity, Dolcevita. Does no good.
Follow your gut in any situation. Sounds like yours told you to stick around? There will always be a lesson to learn, because we seek to find one in all things. It’s how we operate. And that’s great!
Just because someone might leave a toxic situation doesn’t mean they’ve abandoned that person or abandoned a lesson; it means they’re looking out for their well-being. Until we nurture and care for ourselves (and ‘follow our bliss’ as Joseph Campbell said), we can’t help another person. We’re only exchanging more toxin, like an enabler to an addict. On a plummeting airplane, we put our oxygen mask on first, right?
If you leave a toxic relationship and believe that it was for everyone’s highest interest, then who knows, all parties will become healthy again, and you two could meet again and have a happy future together. Nothing’s impossible as long as you’re healthy enough to see the light.
Thank you. yes i agree – that is what I meant to convey but you said it so much better than me 🙂 Sometimes in our modern busy world we can give up on people too easily though, I think. And sometimes i have walked away only to be faced with the exact same lesson at a later date – these lessons do insist on being learned!
who am i to question them?
Who am I to judge these ‘toxic’ people – they’re obviously walking a difficult path.
I didn’t give much detail in my post but yes, my gut says work this one out – at least a while longer. As I said, I’m tough enough to do this for now, although it’s hard sometimes to keep trusting that. I have my eyes open and am taking care to consider the good of everyone involved.
One of the crucial points you make is ‘can we help’, to which i’ll add even if we can, we still dont have to.
We’re where we are because it’s where we want to be, and when it’s not we are free to leave.
Love and light
Yes, where we are is where we want to be. Exactly. We are always at choice and thus always free to leave a situation, and there’s no shame in that. What you feel you owe another person in effort or communication is up to you. Whatever you feel is best, do.
I can understand your point about feeling as though we give up on people too soon. If we feel that way, we’ll see that mental projection reinforced in our experiences. And consider, too, some stay too long… If you feel you can give this relationship more of yourself, then you are following what you feel is best. That’s all we can give, is our best.
Really, there’s no ‘too long’ or ‘too soon.’ Let there be no judgment in staying or leaving.
Sending you strength and love,
Yvette
After reading this post I felt relieved that other people consider a relationship to be toxic. After just recently ending a 3 year “toxic relationship” my mind tends to jump back into history and replay moments I still question to this day. I cannot help but draw into one right now. For the good majority of the last 8 months in the relationship I kept saying “this is so toxic” ” I am drowning in a toxic relationship”.. Yet I continued to stay.. Looking back how ridiculous was I not to listen to my own mouth saying the exact words to run and get out.
I would like to contribute by giving a few more valid signs that can occur in a toxic relationship….
When your partner/friend cares more about money and materialistic items, there is a huge problem. ” Things” do not buy love. Love is love, nothing more nothing less.
If someone makes you feel guilty by saying you are too emotional when you express your thoughts and feelings. RUN! Do not walk… leave now.. no one should be put down because they want to express them selves.
Lastly, if you feel you need to start lying to keep up with all their lies or the thoughts of revenge come to mind. ” I am going to do this to them… because they hurt me… and I will show them how it hurts”. Their toxic waste is changing you into an unhappy version of them.
This is my exact situation and i have to admit, i have felt relief come upon me after reading this. My ex of 3+ years left me 2 months ago for someone else.I have never felt such hurt in my life but deep down i knew she isint the right person. Two days after going official with her,we had an argument about an agreement we had made and she still went ahead and did it. i told her it hurt me and told her to apologize and she told me apologizing will not help anyone and that she doesnt go around apologizing. this was a red flag and i wish i left then. its been a hell of a ride this 3 years. its been all about her. buy me this, take me here, etc,etc.She is so beautiful with a good figure and ass but has no real friends at all.only talks to one friend who is 7 years older than her and is lost herself. i remember one time she found email on my computer of me discussing her with my friends and i was saying that i should break up with her in the emails.she called me after seeing the emails and instead of first saying how sorry i was, i felt joy in hurting her too because the emails were hurtful which is so unlike me, i am usually the peace maker and rational guy even in my family but with her its like i became a monster.
There is a time i shared my business ideas with her and she outright shot them down saying that she doesnt see how they will work and i was in awe at how without even giving much thought, she just shot them down so fast it hurt.
I remember one time i was walking alone and thinking to myself, “if i marry this girl, i will be the most unhappy person in the world”.
one time i was being open to her, telling her how i am stressed coz of my job and how my business isnt doing good and am short on money,she told me that i love sympathy too much thats why i was telling her that. i asked her who else would i tell if not my girlfriend but still she couldnt see my point. God, wish it ended the first time i saw the signs.
She left me when i was very very low on money.my lowest moment actually and everytime she would come asking for money or we go somewhere and i would tell her that i dont have the kind of money for that luxury at the moment and that would make me feel so bad but the worst bit is that she wouldnt understand me,she would still insist on me taking her until i have to shout and tell her that I DONT HAVE THE MONEY FOR THAT LUXURY AT THE TIME SINCE I WAS PRIORITIZING WHAT WAS IMPORTANT.
I remember on 3 occasions she has told me about her male “friends” and how they are getting money and the cars they drive.to add salt to injury, she always told me that they were my age and i would always ask her why she had to add the age thing but she would always defend herself and say we are just having a conversation.
a week before she left, we were talking and she told me she wants to feel loved.That she wants to see her boyfriend and feel butterflies in her stomach. i told her we had been dating for 3 years and living together for 1.5 years, we were past the butterfly stage and on to life now but i figured someone else was making her feel so.
a week later she left, didnt pick up my calls or text.went to her work place to talk and she told me she wasnt expecting to see me.She had spent the night at the new guys house. later told me it wasnt working with us, we fight alot and she wants to see if it was HER who has a problem.w.t.f is that?Then she told me the other guy is just like me.we go to the same church, he has one brother like me, we share the same first name, we are both God fearing and i was like she just went to look for me in another person. She even told me what this other guy does for a living and i figured it for myself, its really about her actually, she has gone for the money. 2 months she hasn’t even texted me to apologize for the pain she put me through but i am okey with it now, i figured she is a narcissist But i dont understand why i miss her so much although she has really hurt me so much emtionally throughout our relationship.
Aryn, your post has really comforted me even if its 4 years ago (facts dont change).
Eventually, Karma happens.Your post gave me some peace. Thank you.
I absolutely can relate to this article because I myself went through the same thing. I just got out of a toxic 2 year relationship where I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore. Spending time and integrating myself with his life was so tiring and I felt physically and emotionally drained. It would have been alright for me if my feelings were returned but he was negligent towards my needs. So much that whenever I brought up an issue, he would claim I’m having a “bitch fit” even when I was doing it in a calm manner.
I think a lot of people out there are afraid to take the chance to do what they know is right. Perhaps its the amount of time you’ve spent with that person, all the time and energy you’ve invested. But I’ve found it very easy to move on because deep down inside I was not happy. My emotional and spiritual needs were not met and even worse they were ridiculed.
Best of luck to those out there who went through or are experiencing something similar. Honestly, when I look back, I am so much happier now and my soul is calmer.
Thank you for the article.
Hello, I can absolutely relate to everything you have written. I am just out of a 9 year relationship with a man who had “some” good qualities but left my soul begging for attention. Just as you have mentioned, when I’d bring the subject up he’d accused me of “wanting to argue” (even when I was totally calm in my approach). I stayed for so long because my mind kept telling me I had invested too much time to give up but my heart was telling me “run you’re not happy here”. I thought would be hard but I feel renewed and very optimistic about what life w/o him will be like! Best of luck to anyone who might be going through the same thing. Life is too short and it should not be spent devoting time to the wrong person.
Dear Nik. Thank you for this. It gives me even more courage to do what I know has to be done, and courage for adding hurt to the lives of people I love; but in doing it with love.
I’ m kind of going through the same thing with my husband …all attempts to convey that I want to be free , all attempts to do things i wish to do for myself are met with arguments, threats , negativism … and totally draining my energy … and I also feel very alone and sad that life turned out the way it did ….
This site attracts people who are probly more spiritually compatible, should have singles section,
Great post. As someone who has experienced those rotten ‘toxic’ relationships I can say that once we begin to value ourselves, to see that we are all wonderful unique beings deserving of good things, amazing shifts occur.
Today I can say, hand on heart, that my lovely husband is one of the reasons I’m the happiest woman walking the planet.
Believe me. Choose you first.
Love Elle
xoxo
Choose you and your health first! Wonderful, Elle. Our only measure of how healthy we are in this lifetime is how we feel. If we feel awful, everything else will feed off that poison and multiply, and we will wither away.
I’m so happy for you and your happiness! I can feel it from here!
Hi There, the timing of this article is perfect. I have been in a relationship now for 3 years. My wife and I have nothing in common. Mentally, emotionally, physically we are a world’s apart. I was introduced to my wife by my family. Asian family pressures meant we were married before we got a chance to get to know each other. Within a short space of time we ended up having a child who is beautiful and loving. For the last 2 years I have been trying to change myself to be more forgiving and learn to accept my wife’s aggressive and abusive side as I don’t want my child to grow in a broken family. In the process I feel as if I have been battered and bruised within. My wife is all about looks and nothing internally where I am a spiritual deep individual. I try to see the best in everyone and feel we all have a soul and therefore we all should be able to love and give. The problem is that my wife was raised in an abusive family and for me the upbringing was exactly the opposite. My mother has given me so much love and support in life and till this day she is doing that. My wife is not just abusive to me, she is all abusive and aggressive to my mother and my child ( the abuse towards my child has however stopped since I threatened her with police call). She has never been physically abusive it”s always been verbal uncontrolable abuse because of her inability to communicate and love. I know what the right decision for me to do is. I cannot stay in this relationship but the thaught of having joint residency to my child as advised by the solicitor makes me what to continue in this relationship. My house is no longer a loving place of peace and calm instead there is constant negativity and fear of a backlash. I feel I am becoming aggressive too which I really dislike this about myself. How do I get out of this mess? How do I make this decision easier for myself? I am 37 years old and feel a little scared of breaking free from this with the thought of lonliness in the future and hate from my child for breaking this marriage. Any suggestions would be much appriciated. God bless you all.
My suggestion is to get divorced. Your children know what’s going on already. They can sense all the negativity around them and it will affect their lives. I wish my parents had divorced. My father was the most toxic person I’ve ever met in my life. Believe me, your child will thank you when they grow up as a child needs positive reinforcement, not put downs and negativity. I spent my entire childhood being told that I was not good enough, that I was stupid, etc. When I got my college degree, I was told that my degree and $1.00 would get me a ride on the subway. My mother was proud of me. My father was not. It took three years of intense therapy for me to have a self esteem. Don’t do that to your child. If you can find a way to get custody, do it. Judges often give full custody to fathers when mothers are abusive. Start documenting all of the abuse and then get a good solicitor and go for full custody.
Our dads sound a alike.
Our dads sound a like, I currently am in a household where there is no positive re enforcement only negative. My past 20 something years here have been nothing but hell. I can’t voice an opinion about something that happened today in my life, news, etc without being told my opinion doesn’t matter in this house and to shut up. I’m almost finished with school and can’t wait find a new sense of freedom in an apartment or house! I’m so envious of my friends parents who are always so positive towards them and are willing to listen or agree to disagree.
I think you should walk out of this relationship. Being an asian myself I understand the societal pressure this will attract but I believe this will do you, your wife and your kid good in long run. I have seen so many marriages in Asian culture which last 50-60 years but there is no love attached to it..it is just a habit of a person which can be seen in two people.
Few suggestions before taking that final step:
1. Communicate – you and your wife need to talk..when i say talk communicate…i wud suggest a marriage councellor…they will enable effective communication – talk abt issues and not past happenings
2. Last chance – After knowing why your wife is doing what she is doing you need to things which you can do to make her feel hopeful of this relationship(trust me in a relationship no one side is right or wrong mistakes are from both sides). This is when you think somewhere in your heart that this is worth a save. From your judgement about her family/spirituality looks like you already have an opinion abt her, may be she has sensed that and it is her ego to live upto that image now(sub consciously)
3. Take some action – Take some action in next say 5 days. Action can be booking an appoitment with marriage councellor or talking frankly to your wife or something to mk things better. I think most of the time problem with such situations in life s that though they are painful as hell we keep talking abt it, sulking abt it, let it suck every bit of hope and life out of us…but we keep living like this. If you really want to gv your marriage a last change..see next 6 months..tell your wife also about your intensions so that both sides are making some effort.
If all above fails, i think it is better to move out. It is wasting three lives – u , ur wife and ur kid. What he/she needs most is peace/happiness and good env to grow and kids are very receptive in getting vibes and thus forming their pyche. you can be apart and still give her/him good guidance, may be not as per asian family standards..but do you want best for your kid or want to please society which doesnt even care if you exist!
I am not sure if I have a right to gv you suggestions, but your situation did appeal out to me. sorry if I have offended you in any way. May God be always with you and your wife..and guide you to a better life…together or apart!
I think this kind of relationship drains a person mentally ,emotionally and physically.We stay in relationships because of children but what do we teach them, to except bad behavior of parents as right or we wait until they start to mimic us to see something is wrong .i have spent the last 20 years of my life in a marriage that i should have left years ago because of children 6 to be exact i am now pregnant at 41 again with a next one ,is it to late for me now? why i say this is to tell you run for the hills you already see that it is toxic marriage ,you already see you have nothing in common don’t wait 10-20 years again to be you.
Dear Roh, loneliness is – in my experience – a wonderful place from which to absorb lessons learned. I have also learned that children thrive in a non-toxic environment. Do what you know you have to do, with compassion for your wife, and abiding love for your child. Be stronger than you feel, and act with dignity. You and your child will be better than fine.
Last sentenced – loved it..
Dear Roh, writing as the child of parents who kept a toxic relationship going for fear of what harm divorce might do to the kids, I ask you to consider leaving for your child. The damage watching you and your wife tearing one another apart might do to the child is unknown but potentially pretty devastating. No one enjoys life in a war zone – not even the kids. Good luck in whatever you decide. I hope you find a happier future. God bless.
Make no decisions from fear, only love. But do make a decision. How can you be more loving to yourself, your wife, and child now? What does that mean for you? Start there.
All will be okay as long as you are.
Peace and love,
Yvette
I think you should leave, it will only get worse.
Sounds like his wife has NPD no silly wowo stuff can fix that. No contact might be the only option. Stop watching Disney films will you.
Ya know what’s toxic? People suggesting divorce in the first line of their reply. People saying leave for the child. You’ve heard his side only. You can’t make that assumption. They’ve only been together 3 years – TOTAL. Maybe she is abusive because she herself was abused. Now, I understand the stigmas.. and I realize a lot of people would tell women to leave the same type of situation. But, love conquers all – if it tries. Both need to try. Have you told her you’re considering leaving? That could jar her awake.. get her attention – somehow – whatever it takes. Why? So that if you do leave, you can walk away with a clear head, knowing you did everything. If you don’t, you’ll always wonder if there was more you could have done. Just do it right.. that’s all I’m saying. For yourself if not for her, or anything else.
i would suggest for this man to set up a non violent confrontation. tell her that there are problems. bring it into the conscious mind be civil and explain your side short and sweet without getting lost in the details. plain and simple. make it clear that if she doesn’t adapt…. if she doesn’t change then everything will end. i’m always surprised how much gets lost in translation over time… without speaking out its like shaking up a cocaine bottle and watching the whole thing explode.expecting a different outcome.
Sorry this is an abusive relationship that also affects a minor. It is not anyone’s job to sacrifice their lives to heal another person. I did what you suggested it exposed me and my children to 10 more years to a DAMAGING SITUATION. The harm to children cannot be undone. I wish you could see the before and after. One healthy parent is better being and the other the abuser. Exposing a child to this sets them up to be victims or victimizers. 3 years is enough!!!! I wish I could show you the aftermath, I really do
I agree with you on that., Nuria I knew my marriage was wrong from the beginning and instead I have stayed for 14 years now. Unhappy, unhealthy and lonely….he does what he wants when he wants disrespecting me and my children in our home as well as in front of others. I even planned my own suicide a few years ago. For me I will agree that o wish I would have gotten out a long time ago because the repercussions on the children are now being seen….my eldest son has the same disrespectful ways. So sad….
I’m so sorry to hear this… This is no way to live.
I hope at some point, you’re able to find refuge from this. And I’m not the type to pray, but I hope I don’t have the same fate and that I’m smart enough to prevent this.
14 years it’s been long enough to understand that things will not change for better by themselves. People don’t change unless they are highly motivated. Everyone deserves happiness and you too Monique. It’s never too late. Don’t be afraid ; you have only one life. Maybe you made that decision already. I wish you and your children find peace and to find happiness.
AMEN TO THAT! I got out while I could and firmly believe my children (and me) are better off as the result!
Can I tell you something. I would love a man like you, because I am going through the exact same thing. And I have never seen a man as open and honest as you. I am so proud of you that you are so loving and spiritual and you are a earth angel who doesn’t deserve to be in such a position. If you were my husband I would love you to no end. If you have discussed this with her and have done all you can (as in giving 100%) then it is time you leave. I did this with my child’s father and it was one of the hardest things I have to do. But you must understand you are putting your child in a worst position if you stay because they can sense the energy and believe it or not they do know what’s going on and they will imitate it when they get older. Think about it, would you rather have you child raised like you or her?
He is obviously writing in because he has tried EVERYTHING. Being a spiritual individual myself, and giving my relationship all I had…patience, hope, love, everything!…I have found that the OTHER person has to want to change.. YOU can’t make anyone change, especially if she doesn’t see that her actions are negative & hurtful. I am sure that you have even tried different things to change yourself, in an attempt to somehow conform to your wife’s behavior. Maybe you’ve even found yourself tip toeing around certain issues, and walking on egg shells, lest she find any little thing to get upset over. This is not right. And in actuality, its a form of mental and emotional abuse. The other individual will eventually make your life harder than necessary, and it will take a toll. Be strong Roh, and do not be afraid. If you REALLY feel like giving it another try, like you haven’t tried everything in your power, then do it, but sometimes its just better to walk away before it gets worse for both you and your child. A relationship should be equal. And from you have written here, it seems like you are doing all the work. I’m sure you are emotionally drained. Could you imagine doing all that work, and even more, for the rest of your life?
This is a five-month old comment, and it’s likely that your own viewpoint has changed, so keep in mind that I’ve kept that in mind.
There’s no way that you can somehow expect a man to hang around in an abusive relationship (like I did…which only lead to more judicial interaction because of power-hungry women with weak minds…who abuse the system set up for them to abuse like little sadistic sheep) when you clearly would ask a woman to leave. This idea of “it takes both” normally is code-word for “the man should work harder…and excuse his woman who is both mentally incapable of handling her own affairs, but more than capable to have custody of children…hmmm…
I’m proud of this gentleman for knowing when to say when. Interestingly, I am at a similar point in my four year relationship. I tell you: The older I get, the more I see the vanity of the whole “intimate relationship” nonsense…
Sounds like someone’s a little butthurt about their own experiences, and therefore, taking it out on an entire group of individuals who’s only shared trait is that they all have breasts and vaginas and societal stereotypes forced upon them from a young age. Just like what happens to men! Well, my oh my isn’t that strange? But surely it’s totally coincidental.
What you’re saying has nothing to do with what Roh is saying, and sounds more like you’re simply taking out your own frustration. You are not giving any sound advice based upon anything but your own insecurities and hatred. You’d sound far more trust-worthy if your entire spiel wasn’t based upon the fact that you hate all women.
Yeah, so much for a person staying to try everything so they can leave with a clear head… My mother had tried that with my step dad, and it did not end well. Maybe what’s more toxic is suggesting that you can “save” someone from their own toxic behaviour by staying with them and trying to work it out. Sorry, but sometimes only a couple of years is more than enough to realize that a relationship is bad for you, and for all involved (children or no children). Staying in an unhealthy/toxic relationship is NEVER a good option.
DROP DEAD
people dont change… situations do…
Unfortunately love is what’s lacking here. True love conquers all and abuse is not part of that equation
Pure BULLSHIT
Love conquers all = Delusion. Love does NOT conquer abuse. When someone feels abused they need to leaved immediately. I dont feel that you should ever give anyone relationship advice because clearly you dont understand the literal affects of abuse.
It’s a year old post, I hope you have found the peace. I have read all the replies and wonder how many of us is having a unhealthy relationship. I myself didn’t end up on this blog for nothing, I am also having a toxic relationship and my situation is some what famaliar with yours, only difference is that I have been in a relationship for 10 years. After reading all the comments I am still baffled what to do? It’s is not easy to let go the relationship even the unhealthy ones. In my case I’ve tried all the remedies in the book but no result and now after 10 years I gave up. I am very much agreed some of the comments posted here but the most important thing a person needs is a ” COURAGE”. In my case I lost my courage to make a right decision on right time but my prayers goes to all those people who are suffering from unhealthy relationships that may God help you and give you the strength to make a right decision.
Come on, you surely haven`t lost what it takes if you are writing this.
regards
Jennifer
I definitely agree with whoever’s been saying that, for both your and your child’s sake, you should probably get out of there. Unless, of course, you believe that she would resort to abusing the kid, in which case you must decide whether you want to try to get custody over the child, stay and take the abuse to protect your kid and support them, or do your best to remain in contact with your child and support them from afar. I’m assuming from your post that you would be entirely unwilling to completely lose contact with your kid, but if that is an option you’d want to take, then that’s still definitely your decision. In times like these, it’s most important to follow your gut. If you feel like you want out, you should find a way to do so.
I wish you all the best.
slip out the back jack, make a new plan stan, you do not have to be coy roy just get yourself free, and time will heal the wounds. it is the only way my bro be strong
SLIP OUT THE BACK JACK, MAKE A NEW PLAN STAN, NO NEED TO BE COY ROY JUST GET YOURSELF FREE. IT IS HARD BUT IT IS THE ONLY WAY BE STRONG
I’ve been in a similar situation but less violent, from what it sounds. My wife was having an affair and when it came out in the open, not only did she not apologize, she blamed me! I sued for custody, won most of what I asked for and now have my life back! Don’t let shitty people rob you of who you are and don’t let ignorant philosophies of “Marriage is til death” destroy the person you are inside. My life is SO much better now that I’m divorced and she is still toxic, still pissed off whenever I see her and crying half the time! HER life is a mess, mine is not and my kids (and my dog amazingly enough) are much happier now!!!!
I will further say this… some relationships are ‘toxic’ because of the actions of one partner being toxic. That’s not to say it doesn’t “take two to tango” but that doesn’t mean the problem was equally shared or equally created. You are always a contributor, as I was, but it can be 70/30, 80/20, 90/10, 60/40… but rest assured… if there is toxemia present, it’s doubtful that it’s 50/50!
Thank you
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understand you both from personal experience. I wish you the best
Hi, I feel ironically much in your shoes. I have been dating my girlfriend for about 7months. She comes from a very strict and very verbal abusive Asian family. Where In my case I have a very relax open spanish family. I deeply studied buddisim for the past 3 years and I was vegetarian for 2 of them. Which my family thought to be strange because I’m almost 7ft tall, but my family are understanding and supptive in anything I do. But some reason I can’t make it a few days without heated arguments with the girlfriend. I started eating meat cuz she made me think we couldn’t enjoy time together if we didn’t enjoy the same things. She drains me so much, and getting verbal aggressive goes against everything I had read and understood. I try so hard to be understanding and see everyone’s perspective but some reason it’s always something new with her. I found out recently she is married to and African man, after taking her phone in a heating argument. My gut told me something was up, but never in a million years would I thought it to be that. But still I kept my cool and now I’m helping her with the legal aspect of the divorce. I told my mother last week about this news, which clearly she is very upset and is telling me to make the decision to leave at the end of this month. I’m 37 also and my life seems rideculos, when do you draw the line on a loved one? She always seem so willing to change, but she has exusted my peace of mind.
I completely understand you as I am also a spiritual and deep person. How did things turn out for you?
Is it the law of attraction or what that this article has come at the right time when I have been trying to think about the health of my marriage. I know I would have never had the courage to evaluate my relationship with my husband on being toxic(how we try to fool ourselves and convince that everything is fine). I dreaded reading this article because i knew I might end up saying yes to all the signs mentioned here.
But what will you do if you are in a toxic relationship that happens to be a marriage with a year old child. Can you go against everything to save the person you are? The child would need his/her father, is it selfish to walk out and push a tough life on your child. I keep looping through these questions everyday. When i talk to people all they say is ‘Marriage is not eutopia’..there is compromises, you have to kill the real person you are and try to be happy in whatever it is…
Talking to my husband doesn’t lead me anywhere. The discussions are always a cycle of blame and conclusions that ‘I have a problem’. My confidence is at rock bottom .. I am being ridiculed for everything I am !!
I sometimes feel that physical voilence is better, at least it gives you a clear signal that you NEED to walk out. Emotional voilence is a slow poison which sucks the very life out of you..it is like a quick sand where you keep sinking deep with a hope that you might come out of it ‘someday’.
Is it required that I should do a self evluation because it looks like(as per my husband) all my desires are centered around ‘me’ only. Me having some concerns over my MIL is because ‘You have some problem with my mother’..when the fact is that she is the one who is trying to control things in my life and expect me to behave in her ways. Am i wrong in expecting to build my life as i want? 90% of my time I am feeling anxious and depressed…the rest 10% is when I am with my daughter.
dear beachsand — Can you make an appointment with a counselor? I have faced similar experiences, and when I decided to leave my marriage I went to a counselor to begin working on ways I could stand on my own two feet and recover my sense of self worth.
The therapy has been priceless. Their guidance, along with my new-found awareness of self-love, has helped me become a person who would never again accept the circumstances I once lived with.
Your experiences are not worthless — they too are priceless. A gift, really. Your real feelings are showing you just how far off your original, authentic path you’ve gone (me too). That’s why you feel terrible — your feelings are saying, wake up! wake up! This is not how it is supposed to be!
Once we’ve got those signals, it is up to us to get back on our authentic path to our true selves. And there is so much help out there — bookshelves are full of wonderful, wise mentors who give guidance on recovering self worth and self love, and the internet has great sites that will provide help as well.
Listen to your feelings — honor them. They are your internal guidance system. Carve out time to meditate; turn off all distractions; cry your eyes out (it feels really good), keep a journal of how you feel; and hug your little girl to make you both feel great.
Since i’ve been doing this emotional work the relationship I have with my young daughter has improved dramatically. She deserves a happy mom. I deserve to be happy, and so do you!
Beachsand,
I hear the struggle in your words. The truth is, only you can answer those questions. Seeking answers outside of yourself is calling upon you more confusion. Confusion comes when we battle against our own opinions and those of others. Sometimes we need to just stand firm in a decision, backed by our intuition, and we’ll see life take on new light and shape.
Your confidence is shaken, so you’re seeking answers outward instead of inward because you don’t trust yourself. I guarantee you know what to do, what’s best in this situation. What’s best for you will end up being best for everyone.
Make a decision. And then make another one, and another. Do it for you.
Love,
Yvette
Anne Dickson ‘A woman in your own right’ says this, which might help you:
* I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities as a person independent of any roles that I may assume in my life
* I have the right to be treated with respect as an intelligent, capable and equal human being
* I have the right to express my feelings
* I have the right to express my opinions and values
* I have the right to say yes or no for myself
* I have the right to make mistakes
* I have the right to change my mind
* I have the right to say I don’t understand
* I have the right to ask for what I want
* I have the right to decline responsibility for other people’s problems
* I have the right to deal with others without being dependent on them for approval
Love and light
This sounds exactly like my situation. My partner and I got pregnant very early into the relationship. We are both now experiencing who each other “really” is and “making it work.” He is a tremendous , hands on, loving father. He has come from a prime example of a toxic relationship. His father was physically verbally and mentally abusive all throughout his childhood and to this day spits nothing but negativity. His mother, an angel whom I adore (I lost my own mother at the age of 6) has stayed with this man for 28 years! I see the effects of that relationship on my husband and I hold on to resentment towards his father. I feel my husband has so much love, compassion, and a huge heart to give, but it is blocked from all of the abuse. He is now clinically depressed and I think borderline OCD. My main concern with not leaving is our beautiful 1 and a half year old son. I relate to the constant feelings of anxiousness and depression. I find myself hiding behind the computer or phone because I am tired of walking on eggshells for him. He drains me. My fear tells me to stay because our son needs a father, my husband needs me, and things will get better eventually. I am so lost and confused. I at times feel like I am the toxic one in the relationship.
Now reading this post back, I realize once again, it’s all about him. I feel almost guilty like I am the answer to his happiness. It’s at the price of my own though. I really don’t know what is right. I just know I am not myself and haven’t been in a while.
I am so glad somebody explained, so clearly, the meaning of toxic. Something that drains life and energy. That’s how I felt in my 12 years of marriage! Yes, it took me that long to leave because I was listening to my logical mind instead of my institution, and justifying that by living that person life was going to be difficult in other aspects. Meaning, he provided a very comfortable life and I was afraid to go out there and try on my own. I left 2 1/2 yeras ago and I have never had any regrets.
What do you do when u have messed up so bad and involved three kids now knowing it wasn’t a good idea but you have nowhere to go at all and are an at home mom with no friends or family and your mother is abusiveand tthat’s why I left with him because anything was better than my mother. I am so depressed and tired. I do what I need to for my kids and I just want to die most of the time. I have no one as I moved away from everyone I did know and just seem to keep finding toxic people. I am not ugly or stupid at all and have a good personality but why am I so sensitive and sad all the time?
I rushed into a marriage , circumstances with my parents at home left me very litlle choice , so I weighed the options and decided to take what was being offered by them my family , who then saw me as a problem to be rid of ….I didnt think much of what I was really entering here…thought i would make a whole new fresh start .. in a new country far far away from them , learn the language and maybe make the marriage work with this new person I barely knew …
I went through years and years od depression, the marriage too dissapointed me within the first two years but there was no where I could go , nothing I could do to change my situation , I had no money , and noone to help me . so i just continued living the marriage … but was mentally unhappy and just didnt know how to fight for myself . After three children , and 22 years in the marriage i finally started to wake up and want to change my life, this was met by my husband with much resentment and he still wants to possess me till death do us part. I am so stuck at the moment, unable to make changes , unable to enter a divorce since I dont want to traumatise the children for the sake of my search for happiness…… I hope I will be free one day … it has been a toxic relationship. ! I’m still confused how to go about this
You are telling the story of my life
Goodness me. As with many postings on tinybuddha.com, this one arrived as I was asking a good friend the same questions about my particular relationship. You are right, dear writer, and I must listen harder to my instincts. Not always easy, as even in the most controlling of relationships, lie good moments of love and beauty. But I do know better. Thank you.
2, 3, and 5 really hit home for me. The good thing is, I realized these things (or finally admitted to someone other than myself what was happening) about 3 months ago and have made a big effort to change what was happening in our relationship, which started with me kicking my husband out. Part of why I never did anything before was because (1) I didn’t want to be “another divorce statistic” like every woman in my family, which is part of the reason I waited until 30 to marry at all, and (2) after digging deeper with my therapist, I found that I was addicted to this relationship. I had enabled my husband to continue doing the things he was doing (I was actually supporting him instead of vice versa – though I didn’t want him supporting me, I’d much rather live as equals), and after 12 years expected him to rely on me, to *need* me to survive. Obviously, my offerings were toxic as well.
What helped me start to realize my relationship was ‘toxic’ was when my spiritual path changed. I became a student of A Course in Miracles, and as I felt I was growing, things at home would happen like an argument and my husband would throw the Course in my face, mocking my studies and how I was still a bitch or whatever after practicing for almost 2 years. While I would have loved (and still would) for my husband to take this path, I never ever forced it upon. I was hoping to be a good example, but situations at home made it hard because while I felt like I was changing internally, I was allowing the same things to happen in my home, putting up with the same BS I’d been putting up with for years.
As I go through the steps of healing and learning to forgive myself, I’ve found myself yearning at times to call/text my husband for the stupidest reasons (I baked a giant batch of cookies a few weeks ago and thought I should call and offer him some. Proud to say I did not – I did a forgiveness worksheet instead). I am determined to hold my ground though and do the right thing – for myself and my husband, although he would never agree that what I’ve done is the right thing for him. I hope that he will change his mind. If not, instead of this separation that we’re dealing with right now, it may mean the end of our relationship altogether. I am prepared to deal with whatever happens, knowing that it will all be okay no matter what. I feel lonely sometimes at night, but I try and think of God in those times and trust that I am okay… and getting better 🙂
When ever i share with my better half that I have changed as a person(not for better) and I feel restless and sad…i get a response that ‘you can never be happy…you are always crying and cribbing’…can it be so…root of the problem can be me too…
It’s so timely that I read this now in the midst of fretting the Holidays with my family. I dread being around my toxic sister, who brings a negative soul sucking vibe to every festive occasion. I know how to eliminate toxic people in my life and I surround myself with super amazing people. But I can’t seem to avoid this one. I have to stay in my truth and remember I do not need to defend or argue or stand there and get attacked. I choose my response, period. Wish me luck people and I wish you great strength too.
This was an excellent post! I just wanted to add that a toxic relationship could also be with a family member. A little over 5 1/2 years ago I made the hard decision to end my relationship with my parents. For 36 years I had let them bully and belittle me and I experienced all 5 of the signs listed above, along with many more including psychological and spiritual abuse. Society makes it hard for us to take action when the people who are damaging us are in our own family. However, I managed to make my wishes known to them and have not regretted it since. I encourage anyone out there who is having trouble with a toxic relationship to consider discussing the situation with a counselor. Getting an objective opinion on the situation is unbelievably valuable. Extricating yourself from the toxic relationship is priceless.
Hi HJ! Yes, there is sometimes a stigma attached to doing what you need to do to stay emotionally healthy. Sounds like you did the best you could with the options you had, and that’s all anyone can ask for. Wishing you continued happiness!
-Yvette
Good article! We all go through it at some point or the other. Some last longer than the others. Mine was 2 years long. I came out of it battered and exhausted. Though there was no physical abuse, the stress and strain that I had to go through each day took its toll on my body. Its been 2 years since, and I’m still recovering from it all. The mental healing takes longer. At times it is tough to keep up the positive attitude and not blame yourself for walking out. But the reality is this; the only way to survive is to walk out! And one should not apologize for wanting to survive!
I think everyone in the comment section mirrored my thoughts exactly. This article hits home right now as I am currently purging toxicity from my life. Thanks for tweeting this so I could find it easy. Love you all.
This is a great post. Listening to your instincts is a must. I knew my husband was wrong even before we got married. But I felt I had to go through it all., I couldn’t walk out I could put it right even it felt wrong. I would have been letting myself and others down. How wrong was I. I ended up bankrupt and a single parent but feeling so much better not being in such a toxic relationship
A couple of criteria to add:
– They walk all over you because you’re unable to stand up to them, even when you both know they’ve done something terrible. you let things go and bottle them up when they should really be argued out, because you’re scared they’ll leave if you stand up to them.
– You’re always waiting for and pinning your hopes on the next great thing just round the corner – reaching your destination at the end of a car journey, waiting for the food to turn up in the restaurant – so there’ something to distract you both from how terrible you are together when you have nothing but eachother.
I’m in a toxic relationship that has been toxic from the start…going on 10 years…and I feel like there will never be a way out for me. I’m in a country that is not my own, where the laws are not in my favor, and I feel like every day is a battle to keep a grip on my sanity. I want to run as far away from here as I can, but the fear of losing my child is what prevents me from taking action.
I can completely relate to this article. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 or so years, the last 10 months of it was spent married to him. From sooo early on in the relationship I knew it was toxic, I couldn’t do anything right for him, I was judged by him, I was cheated on. I was with him from 19 to 26, so at 28 much of my reactions to things are as a result of how I learned to react with him. Although I am improving greatly, I still find myself sometimes tip-toeing around my current (wonderful) man, only to realize there is no reason to tip-toe, he accepts me for me.
In the end, after 10 months of marriage I was the one that did the cheating. At the time I wasn’t even sure why I did it, but I have to come to realize that it was my way of ending the relationship I knew I couldn’t stand to be in for the rest of my life. It was a low way of getting out of it, but at the time, I wasn’t able to end it, just like I hadn’t been able to end it from very early on in the relationship. At this point in my life I wish I would have been strong enough to truly be the one to decide that relationship was over, instead of me being the cheater that got kicked out, but c’est la vie.
Even on my wedding day, and so many times before that, that little voice in the back of my head told me this just wasn’t right…I chose to ignore it. So, today I try and listen to that listen voice as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, but that little voice has never ever failed me.
I think when you deceive and lie and people aren’t comfortable with it and they are fighting you on it–of course it will make you feel defeated. It’s crazy how the people you feel defeated by are the ones calling your bluff.
I just got out of a toxic relationship with one of the most emotionally unavailable, passive aggressive, uncommunicative person I have ever met. Her character traits were a hybrid of those of my extremely toxic, bitter, abusive parents. A lot of us have a predilection for recreating the toxicity of our childhoods by entering into unfulfilling toxic relationships with both friends and lovers. What makes this so insidious is that each time we get enmeshed in such relationships, it only confirms and fuels our self hatred and our feeling of being unlovable. In my last relationship I contorted myself in every imaginable way to make things work, completely losing my identity in the process. Being with her meant forgoing a career I am very passionate about; a career I am so passionate about I even work as a volunteer in the same capacity. For mere crumbs of very occasional affection I was willing to give that up.
Our relationship ended and given the fact we were cohabitating I moved out and had to move in with my toxic mother or be homeless. Out of the fire and into the frying pan. Now I am questioning myself and thinking that if I just could have done this or that differently things would have worked out. The last couple of months have been really tough. My family is totally fragmented, toxic, and abusive. All of this just in time for the holidays! I am going over to a friends house for Thanksgiving but will probably be alone on Christmas. Actually, due to family issues, I have spent more holidays alone than with other people. Kind of used to it but it still hurts especially when you see people out and about looking like they are happy and normal, though of course the reality could be quite different, but still it hurts really bad. When you come from a horrible family you tend to put all of your emotional eggs in the relationship basket, which usually ends up being codependent and unhealthy. When the relationship ends you don’t have anything to go back to and feel beyond destroyed. Right now I am out of work with nothing but time on my hands so the thoughts just swirl and swirl out of control. I gotta say this is one of the darkest times in my life right now.
The good news is that I am attending support groups that address these issues in great depth. Being around people in the same situation, or even reading these posts, is super helpful. Now if I could just get this horrible anxiety to stop.
I can completely relate to this article. I was in a toxic relationship for 7 or so years, the last 10 months of it was spent married to him. From sooo early on in the relationship I knew it was toxic, I couldn’t do anything right for him, I was judged by him, I was cheated on. I was with him from 19 to 26, so at 28 much of my reactions to things are as a result of how I learned to react with him. Although I am improving greatly, I still find myself sometimes tip-toeing around my current (wonderful) man, only to realize there is no reason to tip-toe, he accepts me for me.
In the end, after 10 months of marriage I was the one that did the cheating. At the time I wasn’t even sure why I did it, but I have to come to realize that it was my way of ending the relationship I knew I couldn’t stand to be in for the rest of my life. It was a low way of getting out of it, but at the time, I wasn’t able to end it, just like I hadn’t been able to end it from very early on in the relationship. At this point in my life I wish I would have been strong enough to truly be the one to decide that relationship was over, instead of me being the cheater that got kicked out, but c’est la vie.
Even on my wedding day, and so many times before that, that little voice in the back of my head told me this just wasn’t right…I chose to ignore it. So, today I try and listen to that listen voice as much as possible. It’s hard sometimes, but that little voice has never ever failed me.
my 17 yr relationship is ending, and it has ushered in a period of self-growth like no other i’ve ever gone thru. there is a child involved, but i am certain that embracing my own authentic path — who i really am — is so much better for our daughter than being stuck in depression, low self-worth, and giving up.
This amazing revolution in my own self esteem has happened as a result of taking action — I began to see a wonderful counselor; I began reading books on how to love myself, how to reconnect with my soul, how to reclaim an identity that had been so buried i didn’t think i’d ever see it again. I signed up for seminars online that were free, aimed at healing the spirit and the mind (Emotional Freedom Technique, or Tapping, is easy to learn via youtube and it is awesome!). I started to eat better, take long walks, pray, meditate, and journal.
It is nearly two years since the moment i realized I had to change my life and get out of my marriage. It has taken that long for me to honor my own feelings, root out so much negativity, face my anger, feel my fear, and weep a billion tears (which truly washes away so much pain). I stopped getting distracted by stuff — tv, noise, the phone, busywork — and began spending time in solitude and listening to the still voice inside me. these are habits i will keep for the rest of my life.
and wonder of wonders — it all works. i am happier than i have been since i was an innocent, small child. there is a joy that is indescribable. the inner work is SO worth doing…the payoff is tremendous.
When a river gets blocked, it stagnates. that’s what happened to me for years. i hardly recognized myself. we can break through our blocks and get back to flowing like a river — which always flows forward.
i wish all of you a flowing out to who you really are, and much joy along the way:-)
Can I just say wow?! Whatever took place to get you to this state, I’m grateful. I’m so happy for you and your newfound peace. Here’s to more where that came from! 😉
Yvette
thank you yvette — many blessings to you as well:-)
Wow, very powerful words of expression. I’ve been trying to work on marriage for four years. Thousands of dollars on counseling, police called to our home. Staying in hope for change. I had a break down and a major anger outburst that scared me because I didn’t recognized this person lost and full of fear and expressing in anger. I pray to God he gives me the courage to leave and to protect my child from our toxic marriage. I pray I keep my eyes forward and don’t become vulnerable to look back or take him back. I just filed for divorce and doubt creeps in that I’m doing the wrong thing. Fear is so debilitating.
i hope that things have worked out for you – feel the fear and do it anyway. I hope this message reaches you, and that you have stayed strong.
What if you have a toxic relationship with one of your parents? How are you supposed to just cut them out of your life? I’m having a really hard time with this right now. I’ve always looked for my mom’s approval, but I’m starting to realize she cause more damage to me than she’s worth. Family’s supposed to be for life, but how do deal with someone who’s never going to change? Am I supposed to just cut her out of my life? I’m so confused and hurt.
I know exactly what You mean …in the end I just cannot be Me with my parents and its an issue of having courage to confront or just be oneself and let them deal with it … and we all know very very what kond of reactions that would evoke with them …. so i have two toxic to deal with parents and husband… I think we have to be assertive for ourselves … if they are hurt about it they will adapt eventually… i dont see why they dont realise … they got their life and lived it and still live it , why not let me live mine …
Two books that are very good on this topic are – Toxic Parents by Susan Forward and Toxic In-Laws – also by Susan Forward.
Great advice and article.
It would probably be the understatement of the century to say that toxic relationships are no fun, having been in more than a few.
I know one of my biggest challenges (especially as a self-admitted saboteur) is to have the something [detachment/wisdom/courage] to know when it’s a toxic relationship and when it’s just my Silly Self analyzing all the ways in which something is not “perfect” and/or not right for me.
This article really hit home for me. It opened my eyes. I was surprised as to how many of the 5 signs I can relate with. I have been with this person for almost 2yrs. I must say, before I begin that him & I are of different cultures. I’m Canadian. And he, is from the Middle East. Every thing was sweet in the beginning. He was cute, caring. I would stay over at his place any time that I didn’t have my kids. Long story short, I feel as though today when ever I try to express my feelings, he makes me feel stupid. I always have to second guess my self. I have to walk on egg shells not to upset him. Times we have talked I tell him of the things I’m concerned with he tends to turn the subject around like my issues don’t matter but all the things that are going on with his ex & the war back home do. I sympathize to a certain extent. But you know, what about me? There often are times I don’t think he realizes how his words hurt. It’s the way he uses them. For example, tonight he was asking me to watch a poker game (which I just do not understand even though he has explain it to me all before..it’s just not my thing..I don’t get it.) He was saying that there are only a certain number of hands I want you to fold. Um ok, I thought. I did just that but then I seen a card I thought he had mentioned & question him on it. He quizzed me..what is that hand..what did I say?! He unplugged the computer and walked a way. I said, ‘I’m sorry I just don’t understand’.. and after that I immediately became sad..it hurt, I felt stupid. I cried. It’s easier for me to be myself when I am alone. I’m afraid to talk to him. To express my ideas. What I like. When it comes to cooking, I’m not the best but I’m able to feed myself and my kids. I must admitt he is really good. And he also makes it known when something I make isn’t to his liking. When have I ever turned up my plate at him because I didn’t like his dish? He is also of the protective/jealous type. I can’t really wear a nice bikini to the pool with my kids without him. Mind you, I don’t care there but he has made it known. He has told me to change before so other men wouldn’t hit on me. He wants me to move to Calgary so he can be closer to his daughter. He wants me to come with. I have made my decision multiple of times. Yes, no, yes, no & maybe. He doesn’t understand the severity of this issue for me. I’m not able nor do I want to move away from my kids. He goes on to say how I don’t see them often enough anyways, so what difference would it make? And besides, they will be in their teens soon enough anyhow (I get my kids everyother weekend). I know in my gut what I have to do. I know I have to stay for my kids. I would be stupid to move with him like I was stupid to let him move in. But I don’t know how to end it. That sounds silly I know. I want to be free to do things the way I want. I know I have change in the last two years. I’m not who I use to be. I fear hurting his family back home. For they are really nice people. I’ve been told my different people of what I should to but every opinion is different. But they don’t see what I do. Everything is perfect on the outside. My opinion is what matters. I know what my ‘gut’ or intuition tells me..I know what I want.but I choose to ignore because I fear being alone, yet I cannot handle feeling this way. So much for a short story. I really thank you for this post I came across. It has opened my eyes.
This article really hit home for me. It opened my eyes. I was surprised as to how many of the 5 signs I can relate with. I have been with this person for almost 2yrs. I must say, before I begin that him & I are of different cultures. I’m Canadian. And he, is from the Middle East. Every thing was sweet in the beginning. He was cute, caring. I would stay over at his place any time that I didn’t have my kids. Long story short, I feel as though today when ever I try to express my feelings, he makes me feel stupid. I always have to second guess my self. I have to walk on egg shells not to upset him. Times we have talked I tell him of the things I’m concerned with he tends to turn the subject around like my issues don’t matter but all the things that are going on with his ex & the war back home do. I sympathize to a certain extent. But you know, what about me? There often are times I don’t think he realizes how his words hurt. It’s the way he uses them. For example, tonight he was asking me to watch a poker game (which I just do not understand even though he has explain it to me all before..it’s just not my thing..I don’t get it.) He was saying that there are only a certain number of hands I want you to fold. Um ok, I thought. I did just that but then I seen a card I thought he had mentioned & question him on it. He quizzed me..what is that hand..what did I say?! He unplugged the computer and walked a way. I said, ‘I’m sorry I just don’t understand’.. and after that I immediately became sad..it hurt, I felt stupid. I cried. It’s easier for me to be myself when I am alone. I’m afraid to talk to him. To express my ideas. What I like. When it comes to cooking, I’m not the best but I’m able to feed myself and my kids. I must admitt he is really good. And he also makes it known when something I make isn’t to his liking. When have I ever turned up my plate at him because I didn’t like his dish? He is also of the protective/jealous type. I can’t really wear a nice bikini to the pool with my kids without him. Mind you, I don’t care there but he has made it known. He has told me to change before so other men wouldn’t hit on me. He wants me to move to Calgary so he can be closer to his daughter. He wants me to come with. I have made my decision multiple of times. Yes, no, yes, no & maybe. He doesn’t understand the severity of this issue for me. I’m not able nor do I want to move away from my kids. He goes on to say how I don’t see them often enough anyways, so what difference would it make? And besides, they will be in their teens soon enough anyhow (I get my kids everyother weekend). I know in my gut what I have to do. I know I have to stay for my kids. I would be stupid to move with him like I was stupid to let him move in. But I don’t know how to end it. That sounds silly I know. I want to be free to do things the way I want. I know I have change in the last two years. I’m not who I use to be. I fear hurting his family back home. For they are really nice people. I’ve been told my different people of what I should to but every opinion is different. But they don’t see what I do. Everything is perfect on the outside. My opinion is what matters. I know what my ‘gut’ or intuition tells me..I know what I want.but I choose to ignore because I fear being alone, yet I cannot handle feeling this way. So much for a short story. I really thank you for this post I came across. It has opened my eyes.
Yes, you do know what to do and what’s right for you. You’ll make the best decision for you–whatever you trust that is–soon enough. I have faith in you!
Love,
Yvette
I was in a very toxic relationship for 7 years. #2, 4 and 5 really hit home for me. I kept excusing bad behavior, in hopes of change. That day never came. In fact, it got a lot worse. I learned its ok to think of myself and my happiness and my well being before someone else’s. It’s not selfish. Relationships should enhance your life in some way, to some degree- not exhaust it. I also am learning to forgive myself for being stubborn and foolishly trying to stick it out in hope of a better day tomorrow instead facing reality sooner. Share this post with those you love. It may help someone now or in their future. It helps me now to know I’m not alone and helps give me some additional clarity in my healing. Get strong- stay strong- life’s waiting!
Swisars,
I’m so happy to hear you’re forgiving yourself! What strength that shows. I’m in awe of you and your revelation. Life’s only beginning for you. Stay tuned for more greatness because you are walking in yours.
All the continued best,
Yvette
I can check yes to everyone of the signs! I was in a relationship with a narcissist! The relationship with him was a fairytale while he was reiling me in! I ignored all the gut feelings at first! After a year or so intuitions started becoming very strong until they lead my right out of it! I was so in love with him and the life he said that our future would be! He was in love with being in Love, but was not capable of loving anyone but himself! The end of this relationship almost destroyed me! I just couldn’t let go even knowing it was not healthy for me to stay! It’s been two and half years and I still struggle! I wish I could take his power that he still has over me away! I need inner peace!
What if you know, deep down, that you’re the reason for the toxic relationship. Any tips? I really don’t want to hold my boyfriend back but I have so many issues that I take out on him. Any help would be appreciated.
I would say if You know , the first thing is its good you are conscious about that aspect … and from that point you need to make a conscious effort to change your way of thinking and make small changes in the relationship… to stay positive , to continue to work on yourself ….. have you read JackCanfield .. Living the Law of attraction …We all need to remind ourselves loving the other is about giving our Love unselflessly , love doesnt flourish in an atmosphere of fear , and most of what we try to impose on our partners stems from fear of losing them. Keep Loving openly
This is such an important topic and I think you have made the point beautifully. Too many people settle for relationships that are damaging to who they are as a person because of what society “norms” dictate and the pressure to conform to the status quo and a whole load of other reasons too.
I was one of those people for many years. But I found the strength and courage to say “enough” and to learn how to extricate myself from those relationships that were too toxic to stay in and to set strong boundaries in other relationships that just needed me to protect myself better.
Was it easy? No. Has it been worthwhile? Absolutely YES. It has been one of the most liberating things ever. Quality of life has rocketed. Feeling fulfilled dramatically improved. I now have very strong boundaries on who I allow into my personal and professional space (I am Self Employed so easier for me to pick and choose business contacts than when I was a corporate employee). Only allowing healthy, constructive relationships in my life is now a non-negotiable part of my life and work.
I have just left a toxic marriage of 11 years. I was excited to read the title of this article and the opening paragraphs, and I agree that the five signs are definitely signs of toxic relationships but for me it was a lot more subtle than that. My intuition was telling me from day one that the relationship wasn’t right for me and I chose it anyway – due to societal pressures, an ‘easy’ escape from a difficult family…and who knows why else. My intuition told me for 11 years that the relationship was holding me back and didn’t feel right for me and yet I kept on with it. We had lots of good times and made it work as best we could and I felt I could express myself and I tried to be myself but my husband couldn’t engage with me on the level I needed him to engage on. I felt alone and like he really didn’t get me one bit. For me I would add a sixth sign; if you find yourself talking yourself into the relationship and finding ways to justify it in your head and have to repeat this exercise on a regular basis then listen to your gut feeling and get out.
I have no regrets. I wouldn’t have a lot of the wonderful things I have in my life if i hadn’t followed that path but I am so relieved to finally be listening to what’s right for me. I feel alive and energised and engaged with the world again and ready to grow. And I am now in a healthy relationship which has shown me just how wrong the last one really was for me.
Never try to talk yourself into loving someone. When there’s a real connection you’ll know and it will be worth waiting for.
I waited through four “counseling” groups and numerous I other interventions including the courts. Ten years of my life wasted on a man who could not love me or his own daughter. My partner now is very special but I am having a really hard time because of my past.
Yvette ~ thank you for this post. It’s a good reminder for me 😉 I walked away from a very enticing yet toxic relationship 10 months ago and the quality of my life has improved ever since. I don’t know why that negative dynamic was so strong ~ participating left me lifeless and a shell of my former self. I’m a better person for having gone through it and your post reminded me to continue to work on bringing positive people into life and to walk away from the negative, thank you 😉
So grateful it served you. Grateful, too, you made a decision bettering the quality of your life 10 months ago. 😉
Thank you for reading, Flower.
Love,
Yvette
I used to be the toxic person in my previous relationship. My ex broke contact with me 2 months ago (after we broke up over a year ago). Even though I’ve changed, he doesn’t feel he has the energy to find out anymore. I understand completely. I was awful to him, because I had been toxic to myself, I was also toxic to him.
I don’t think he’ll ever want to communicate with me again. The hardest part is knowing I didn’t just destroy our relationship, but also our friendship.
I will never treat myself or anyone else that badly again. Learn to love and accept yourself and don’t take those who love you for granted! But also know that many people will come and go in your life, do not try holding on to them so tightly that you give them no room to be free. Just be present and allow life to flow naturally, don’t try to control it.
I believe that for a lot of people this toxicity you speak
of within relationships can also be very subtle. To the point where although
the instinctive part is telling you something is not right, the reasoning part
overpowers it. I have just ended a relationship where I loved my partner but I
felt stunted and trapped. I felt I was
compromising myself a little too much to be happy. I bargained with my instinct
on many occasions and when I did talk to my partner about it he would add
further weight to my reasoning mind. He was unable to see how much my energy
had been drained, how I was not able to do certain things because I did not
feel inspired on any level and I did not have the space to find my own
inspiration. All the time I would think ‘but
it’s not awful’, and it is true it was not awful, we had some wonderful times
together. Yet I couldn’t push down the instinctive part of me no matter how
creative I was with my ‘reasoning’ mind.
I feel, at times, desperately sad and miss him hugely and
still I battle with my instinct, but my instinct always prevails, I have no
other choice than to go along with it, not just for me but for him too, I’m sure he felt my toxicity too. I wait patiently for acceptance to come, I acknowledge
that my pain is a natural phenomenon and that it will pass, I keep busy doing
things that are meaningful. I was terrified to leave because I was frightened
about how I feel now, but in all honesty it is not quite as bad as I
thought…I say through gritted teeth! It’s true though.
Sophie thanks for sharing your story, it has really given me hope.
I am in the middle of leaving a 9 year relationship, pretty much the only one I’ve had my whole adult life (been in it since I was 18). For years I have felt in my gut that he is not the “one”, but I have buried that feeling due to a mix of (a) insecurity about finding someone else (b) lack of belief in my gut instinct (c) societal pressures and feeling like it’s too late to back out.
He is a really nice guy which makes matters SO much harder, but we really just don’t connect at all. I don’t feel like he knows me at all, I feel so lonely when I am with him, particularly the last 3 years. When I try to talk to him about plans or goals or dreams, or work on things that are wrong between us, it’s always a hassle in his eyes, me being moody or crazy or ‘that time of the month’. When I try and grow and change, he is not supportive and more or less tells me that I can’t. He thinks philosophy and spirituality, things that are so important to me, are silly and pointless.
I am moving out in a week, and I KNOW for sure I am going to miss him terribly and feel like I am making a big mistake. But like you, I need to continue to listen to my instinct, and remind myself why I am doing this.
I can either have the short term gain of running back to what is familiar/safe/warm but completely unfulfilling and dysfunctional… or I can suck up the heartbreak and pain, for the LONG TERM gain of freedom to be myself and to let my soul/heart/mind flourish.
Like you have touched on, when the pain swallows me up, I am trying to just let it be, to just accept it and observe it and not read anything into it. It will eventually pass, I know it. I am repeating the phrase to myself “this too shall pass” as a bit of a mantra.
On the plus side, I am incredibly proud of myself for finally having the courage to face my fears of hurting my partner by leaving, and of being alone, and of being judged by my family/friends for making the wrong decision. It’s taken me so long to get to this point and I really need to pat myself on the back for facing such a difficult situation head on, knowing in the long term it’s the right thing to do.
Good luck to all in the same situation! x
Hi I too have been in these relationships and unfortunatly I have a hard time ending or leaving them I have been married now almost divorsed and finally now understanding the patterns of people I choose to involve myself with whether it be romantic or friendship if only I start to feel able to let go before it becomes totally toxic
I was, I believe, in a toxic relationship. It maybe that I triggered it, or maybe a relapse of “my then” boyfriend’s toxic relationship with his ex. It was draining, consuming and everytime that I had to deal with their shit, I am sucked inside “their” black hole.
As much as I know that my “then bf’s” feelings are real and true, he couldn’t, would not, let the girl go.
I tried to understand their situation, believe me, I even turned a blind eye because they’re living together, but sometimes self preservation comes in first.
It took me awhile to have the courage to leave him, I went through depression, became needy, even came to a point that I was hurting myself just to feel something, anything
I’m still struggling and I miss him everyday, but I remind myself 2 things every time that I feel this: 1) once you feel that you overcompensate, there’s something wrong, 2) never BEG SOMEONE to love you. Ever.
11/24/12 Saturday: I marvel at the warmth, wisdom, and love expressed here. I’m a clinical psychologist with a passion for assisting people (mostly women) in breaking free of toxic relationships by, first and foremost, learning (or RE-LEARNING) to love themselves. I could speak all day long about this topic from a professional perspective. But to me, the words flowing from those who have actually LIVED it – and achieved liberation from bondage – carry so much more credibility, and inspirational power. I am so grateful that I have a job where I get to witness intrinsically sensitive, bright, loving human beings as they choose the more challenging path of discovering personal empowerment, versus perpetuating a life of fear-based bondage, devoid of self-respect, happiness, and fulfillment, which constitutes the path of least resistance. I see so much healing on these pages. Very cool, indeed.
Great post! Thanks for sharing… love the hat too 🙂 I too was in a toxic relationship until I reached my own “last straw”. I realized that I had to love and cherish myself first and foremost. I would never find this in the the man I was “friends” with. That light bulb moment came when I had been agonizing over an important trip home; money, time off, carrying my mother’s remains to her final resting place (her beloved west coast), the many, many emotions and fear seemed to be swirling almost out of control and I needed a shoulder, a hug… a kind word. I had started to cry in his garage trying to explain what I was going through. He walked away and left me there crying alone without even saying a word. When he came back to get an axe to split fire wood, I had asked for a tissue. He simply pointed to a plastic bag on the floor and said “there are rags in there”. That was it – right that second, I was done. Much went on in the following week and I ended up having to change my phone numbers, my driving routes, I had a safety plan established at work, etc. It was a very difficult time, but I’ve never looked back. I have forgiven him and wish him peace in his life, but more importantly, I have forgiven myself for not loving myself enough to believe that I deserved so much more, so much better. Fast forward many moons later, I am still single and content to just be with me!! And when the time comes to meet that special someone, my heart will be open, and healthy, to receive only love, kindness and a whole lot of respect!! Sending light and joy your way. Liz (on a little side note, I took that trip home and it was filled with tears, laughter and everything wonderful!)
Finding that this article hits quite close to home.
Great post. I ended a year and a half toxic relationship in April and it was the best decision I have ever made. I finally feel free and am able to move forward with my life.
What an amazing article. More than once in my life I’ve had toxic relationships that had me constantly questioning “how do you know when you’ve done everything you can”? Because of the toxic nature of the relationships, my lack of self confidence, and my fear of being unlovable (hello, core belief!) I suffered needlessly.
To anyone who is questioning how to know when you’ve done all you can… Be confident in yourself, keep your boundaries, and know when to choose to love yourself enough to leave (even if you still love the other person). This does NOT make you selfish, or mean you didn’t try your best to make it work. And if all else fails, ask yourself what you would tell a friend in your situation (honestly). We often have a lot more empathy for others than ourselves x
I have been seeing the same girl since high school and there is no doubt in my mind that I am completely head over heels for her. Unfortunately I did some things to break her trust, though I never cheated. Recently, things have been going well but on the other hand, I can certainly relate to some of the signs that I’m in a toxic relationship. I cherish this girl but sometimes that means I let her walk all over me. I always try to consider her feelings and make things right. Unfortunately I don’t believe she cares too much about my feelings or even tries to consider my point of view, even though she claims she loves me. I am still young, 23 to be exact but she tells me I’ll never change. My friends and family on the other hand see that I am a great guy and that anyone would be lucky to have me.
I’m in dire need of some advice. I hope someone can help me out with this.
Why should you change? What does not satisfy her? In what ways does she walk all over you?
Wow, i’m in that kind of relationship. I can’t find the way out. But it is true that intuition told me to leave as soon as possible but my logic mind said he can handle it. Day by day it just get worse. After reading your article, I had the courage to cut the pattern now. Thank you so much for your sharing!
The funny thing about this article is that my partner favorited a link to it on twitter as some sort of attempt at a subtweet – but when I read this, it seems more of a list of complaints that I have. Thank you honey! 🙂