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Dear Sophie:

You and your now ex  boyfriend were 16 when you started your first romantic relationship. You were both in high school, I assume. Recently, at 22, he graduated college and is planning to  move to another state for employment. A month ago he broke up with you telling you that he “wasn’t happy”, that he “didn’t know who he was”, that it had “nothing  to do with me”, that “this is  for the best” and suggested that the two of you may resume the relationship in the future: “if we ever will work in the long  run… I want you to keep in touch with our mutual friends  because one day I want to be able to contact you”. He  also told you that he  didn’t want  to break up with you and then he  did.

Are you interested in finding out the reason or reasons he broke up with you-if you do, can you list a few such possible reasons?

anita

Hi Sophie. My ex broke up with me for pretty much the same reason, although it seems he was also going through a depressive episode and had a lot of personal, emotional, and physical issues he’d been going through at the time and I was not the only person he pushed away at the time, so I’m sure that contributed. But overall, it was basically that he was unhappy with his life as it was and needed to change it and couldn’t do that while he was with me (and I’m sure he blamed me for part of his unhappiness while in that depressive state, whether I was actually a cause or not, just because I was the one he was closest to, so his relationship with me needed to change, too). Otherwise, we had a happy, loving relationship. But he wanted to go, so I let him go. That was a little over a year ago.

I tell you this because sometimes that’s really the reason…. he just really needs a change and to figure out whatever it is that makes him happy. Your boyfriend is 22, right? Just out of college. He knows his life is about to change in general and he’s probably not completely sure what he wants to do with himself and he’s probably slightly panicking and maybe wants to explore what he wants outside of everything else he’s known in the past (which includes you).  The only thing you can do at this point is to just let him go. Don’t let him put you on the back-burner and don’t wait around for him.  The quicker you can move forward and do your own exploring, too, the better. Take this time to learn new things, pick up some new hobbies, meet new people, and figure out what you really want, too, and if you really are meant to be together, you will find your way back to each other when the time is right… after both of you have had a chance to grow and know more of what you want, what makes you happy, and also once he feels more confident in his life in general. Time apart to grow individually can sometimes really strengthen relationships, no matter how long that time ends up being, but don’t rule out other options. He’s all you’ve ever known, too, so for all you know, there could be someone out there that could be an even better fit for you than he was… you just might not have met him yet.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Valora.

Hi Sophie,

I agree, he’s 22 and has to (basically) figure out what he’s going to do, where he’s going to live, and how he’s going to support himself without Mom and Dad. This year!

Age 22 (or 23 if a late bloomer) is a huge one, I don’t know how you guys do it. My daughter’s doing Age 22 right now and she’s more grown up than I am. She has to be. I did it and I don’t remember (or could explain) what the heck happened!

He didn’t even need all those flimsy excuses. He could have just said, “Listen. I’m freaking out right now. I have to revamp and start over with everything. Including you. Consider us the starter relationship because I’m not in the space right now to be the boyfriend (fiancé, husband) you deserve.”

Please give him space. And don’t take it personally. I know, it’s hard.

Best,

Inky