Dear Anita,

I truly have a lot of anger and resentment, at injustice.

I had an outburst yesterday based on this.  And it reminded me that it isn’t about my husband or anything else, it is my anger, roar, anger.

I feel a little tired to explain the whole story to you at this time, not that I don’t want to – but I feel tired to type it out.  In short, one of my husbands cousins is having a small engagement get together Saturday.  It is casual and local and not something by any means a must.  Yet all of the other cousins are going now (including yes, that cousin the one with the incident from London).

I didn’t tell you this, but the cousin from London – lets call her S.

So S has a brother, they are my husband’s cousins, both older.  S is the same age as my husband roughly, her brother is older, the eldest of the cousins, and thus often looked up to.  Her brother is married to a woman named M.

M has had many emotional outbursts and issues with her husband apparently, which I have heard from my in laws, she was diagnosed with breast cancer while pregnant with her last child, third child, 2 years ago.  So of course an immense amount of trauma she went through.  After which psychologically she dealt with a lot of issues with her husband and his family.  I know some of it from my in laws, not directly from M of course. M has 3 kids and went through breast cancer and chemo while pregnant etc.  Now she is fine, cancer is gone, and kids are all great.

So anyway, in London, S (the sister in law of M) tells me how it has been very hard with M, and her emotional outbursts.  She will often come home and curse off her mother (who is the mother in law of M) and she has had so many outbursts.  I listened and understood and was there for S when she was telling me this.  I put in some input as well, saying its hard to say because I dont know her or her past – but perhaps she is dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety from all she went through with cancer and pregnancy at the same time, and having difficulty coping.  S said she isn’t sure because she was like this prior as well, I said oh ok.

Then S tells me this, and says I wasn’t sure if I wanted to tell you – but I will:

M comes home one day to her in laws with the kids (S parents house) and starts saying:

CC IS A WHORE.  CC IS A WHORE. CC IS A WHORE.

(of course my real name).

I was horrified.  My mouth dropped.  I said what?!?! WHY?!

S said she has no idea, she wasn’t sure if she was having a true psychotic episode type, or just being crazy or what! I started thinking out loud- wow perhaps it is because i knew M since I was a child through my family so she thinks I know things about her that I don’t.  I was so perplexed! But I also knew that I wasn’t really dealing with an emotionally sane person, perhaps M is truly psychiatrically unstable, like a patient I see in the hospital – random outbursts of insanity.

So anyway that’s the background I hear.  Let’s say that is 7 pm.  I have that info and we all head out in London, the whole group of cousins (M and her husband and the kids are not in London) but of course I knwo that story.  S tells me – she has told me this story so I can be careful around M, her sister in law, who she calls a loose cannon.  I do appreciate the info at the time.

Now fastforward to the next night, after the wedding reception, and S has that interaction with me, the one I told you all about, her getting angry at me, etc.

So here I am then 1 am, knowing her sister in law literally had an outburst of calling me a whore, and then now S herself lashes out to me (details of that scenario known to you).  I was devastated, and when I went back to my room crying it was really about S, and her treatment.

But now as I sat there looking at the messages about the get together Saturday,  I was enraged and TRIGGERED beyond belief.  Both S and M will be there.  And it wasn’t so much that I don’t want to be around them, I constantly kept feeling:

what is wrong with these people, why do they think they can talk bad about me and mistreat me, when all I have done is be kind.  Ridiculous.  So much anger at them, and then at my husband’s family.  So much anger.

Yet I felt pressured (self induced to go to this event) and I said to myself, if I don’t go to this event, then it will be Thanksgiving, I wll have to see them sooner or later.  It isn’t about events, it is about the injustice and how people are horrible.

When my husband got home, I was in a terrible mood. Feeling so angry, so so so angry.  I did not do a good job of containing my emotions, and I did exactly what I am not supposed to do – project my anger/resentment onto him.

I will stop there.  I want your input without more stream of consciousness.  And it isn’t about going to this thing on Saturday, I am not even going to go now I decided.  It is about the whole thing.