Advice needed/ relationship dilema

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This topic has 19 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 11 years, 6 months ago by Janet Ong Zimmerman.

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May 4, 2013 at 1:06 am #35108

Bernadette
Participant

I have been with my bf for 4yrs, we live together and both in our 40s and have both been married and divorced prior to us meeting, the problems we face as been ongoing, my bf keeps secrets from me and he knows that makes me feel insecure, we live together yet he never discusses his finances with me, im very open with him about everything, before we met he was living with his mum after his divorce, and all his belongings are at his mums house except for some clothes he keeps at my home..
My bf knows how i feel about him having secrets,ive said to him i feel hurt , we broke up many times over this same issues, after getting back he says he wants to change but same old,
we broke up again 3days ago after discussing the same issues and he accused me of nagging and saying that i am treating him like a child, it makse me very angry that we have the same argument all the time and yet he thinks im overeacting.. I told him 3days ago that if hes not willing to be honest with me its best he leaves, which he did without saying anything.. this has happened many times since me nad him been together, yet after some months we get back together again…

My bf is not a bad person, he helps me with all the chores around the house, he is not an abusive person, hes always telling me he loves me, but the only problem is the fact that he is a secretive person and im honest and open about everything, its made me very insecure cause i dont know what he is hiding, I dont even know his salary even thou we live together..
since we broke up hes not contacted me and hes moved back to his mums house, I dont know if i should just let it go this time and move on with my life, i do love him very much but i dont know if he feels the same about me, cause if he truly cared surely he would acknowledge my concerns..
Lately if i try to discuss things that bothers me about the relationship he would avoid the subject and give me the silent treatment.
My family and friends also thikns my bf acts a bit weird..
I dont know if I was too hard on him to tell him to leave my house, i was angry cause when i tried talking those issues to him he pretend hes not listening. like im talking to a wall.
His family blames me everythime we break up, they dont know our problems, they think im a bad person..cause he tells them i kicked him out.

Please any advice will be appreciated..At the moment i am trying to be positive cause i know i didnt do anything wrong and that my bf attitude is wrong to keep secrets in a relationship.

any advice please

May 4, 2013 at 2:47 am #35110

crystal
Participant

Dear Bernadette,
I can understand how you feel…You ve been with ur bf for 4 years..thats a long time.I feel that you should decide on these matters little calmly.if he constantly tells you that he loves you it doesn’t mean that he loves you….do you feel he loves you?? when you’re hurt does he look or feel hurt?? how much do you miss him?? do you think he too misses you that much?? I wud advice you to call him up once and get some answers for these questions.decide after that if you want to end this or are you ready to give him another chance.If you feel that he really wants to change then help him change…dont just expect him to change all by himself,constantly support him,encourage him to talk to you about things like how was his day at office and small stuff..and when you feel he’s hiding something then just ask him to sit with you and talk things out…tell him calmly that he doesnt have to share everything with you,it wud just make you feel good if he did..

Does it matter what your friends or family or his friends or his family think about the two of you??? you love him and he loves you..thats all that matters! It might be something thats troubling him or he’s scared to talk to you about him..put yourself in his shoes and think.and if you get back together with him then tell him not to take your concern as nagging.If you feel that he’s not honest enough then move on….it will hurt initially but have faith that someone really special s waiting for you somewhere..but if you feel that he might be that special guy then forgive him.nobody becomes smaller if they apologize if they are wrong,instead you become a greater person if you forgive them. talk to him and you ll know what to do.

Remember that when God solves your problems,have faith in Him..but when He doesnt,He has faith in you…follow your heart dear..

I ll be very happy if youve benefited even a bit from the big lecture i just gave you…Please let me know if things get better.

loads of love,

Crystal…

May 4, 2013 at 3:34 am #35111

Bernadette
Participant

Crystal

Thank you for taking the time to write this reply, I really dont know if my bf truly misses me when we are apart, cause I a the one who always have to make the first move when we ague and break up, he as this mentality that I am wrong and he is right, he has some serious communication issues with me, yet he is very open and talks alot to his families and friends, its like my bf is always watching what he says when he is with me, this is how i feel, im not sure if im overeacting, cause some of my friends says to me that he is a different person at home.
Everytime we get back together he is promising so many changes and that we should talk more and express ourselves more, this is only for a few weeks and then things get back to the same old routine….

My bf is not so supportive when im ill or if i have problems that worries me, yet i am always there for him when he is down, I would feel better talking to my kids or to a friend cause i know im gonna have more support than talking to him, these things frustrates me alot cause it scares me to think that if one day im poorly if hes gonna be there for me???

I find it hard for me to understand him in many ways, I dont know if this relationship is a challenge for him cause I have a very good career, have travelled extensively, , whereas hes not been very sucessful and hes always complaining about his job… I tried talking to him about this but he dont really want to talk.

Today I tried talking to one of his work colleague about their monthly salary and he revealed to me that they earn a lot more then what my bf is telling me, this is why he hides all his payslips and bank statements, im sure the reason for this is so he could contribute very little towards bills and housekeeping, im sure he has savings and other stuff he is not telling me, last year he took out a loan and didnt tell me about it, i only found out when i was going thru his bag and saw the loan statement.when I try talking to him about it refuse to comment. and he goes to me why do i want to know everything about him, it hurts me cause i can never seem to get any explanation for anything that im concern about.
Some of my friends seem to think my bf is not being real with me…but why would he say he loves me and wants to be with me?? he can be loving but there is a side to him that baffles me as its really hard for me to know anything about him, i feel that his mum and sister knows more about what he is upto then i do..
Last year we broke up for 4 months, he never initiated any contact until new years day he sent me a message, and after 1 month we got back together again and all was well, now same thing.
like i say he is not abusive or that he cheats on me, he is just very secretive, and it worries me that i dont know what he is upto.my family tells me that his behaviour is in a way a form of mental abuse and its true cause I have lost all confidence and my self esteem is very low, i get panick attacks when i sleep, i feel very stressed and ive tried talking to him aboutt how i feel and hes not very supportive, saying its all in my mind and that i want to control him.

I tried texting him the other day and he never replied, do you think its worth me calling him?? we live just a mile apart, im sure that if he truly missed me he would have made an effort to talk things thru.
at the moment i dont sleep much, i go thru the same things everytime we break up…its wearing me down alot…

sorry long post.

Bernie

May 4, 2013 at 11:34 am #35112

Teyana
Participant

I have been a relationship where I have caused my ex a lot of pain!! I continuously hurt him over and over again and he kept putting up with me. I love him and I care about him but he was so overly attached to me it got really annoying. I broke up with him a month ago but then we started back talking… when we did he considere us to be in a relationship again.. however things were not the same, he was not the same person who was overly attach to me and who was so deeply in love with me.. instead now it’s like I have to make contact with him and he claims he is frustrated with me because I am going to school and will be finished with my dgree soon and he has not started college yet neither is he working. I pressure him a lot because I keep feeling like things are not the same but he tells me I am blowing things out of proportion and he is still in love with me and loves me and that I am his heart his soul his everything although the relationship got pretty bad where I treated him awful but I hate this feeling of how different he is acting. he calls and still texts but it is not the same.. before when I used to break up with him he used to be the one chasing me all the time to get back with me and now I am the one crying trying to get things back to how it was and wanting him to forgive me. he brings up things that I did to him in the past that still hurt him and he says that sometimes he feel like he want to be alone because I continuously hurt him and its frustrating him how I keep talkin about the relationship and how things are now. I feel like I really want to let it go for good because I am not sure where his heart is right now and I don’t want to become more hurt than I already am because I hate how things have changed and how he is not as overly attached to me as before. he even went to far as to say if we break up I would miss him more than he will miss me… is it because of all the bad things I did him? I don’t know if to still hold onto this… its like we are together but not completely together.. it is stressful and sad to deal with this and I feel as though we break up for good I will feel less pain tht im feeling now. Does he have all right to treat me like this? Or should I just let this relationship go and when he feels like he trusts me again he would talk to me and pursue me again if it was to be? Please give me some advice.. anyone who have been in a similar situation.. I cry so much because I feel so much guilt and regret for what I have done. I eep trying to show him that I have changed and it makes him want to try but then he gets into that angry mood again where he would not talk to me and tell me that I am not a trustworthy person. what should I do? do I need to prove myself to him? or leave the situation alone? I feel like we still both love each other but the past has been so bad its hard to be how we once were.

May 5, 2013 at 7:44 am #35123

crystal
Participant

Hi Bernie,
I felt really happy that you replied…i can totally understand your situation.I had a friend in 7th grade who really liked this guy and he too showed that he loved her a lot.later he started keeping secrets from her and treating her like she didnt matter to him..she tried to pull the relationship with her heart and soul for as long as she cud.but it caused her nothing more then a lot of pain… i just entered 10th grade last thursday and she told me that she s got a guy who loves her soooo much and treats her right..i told you this because i feel,after all the things you told me about your bf,he might not be the perfect guy for you…you deserve a muchhh better guy who treats you right..

The way your current bf treats you,it seems like he cares about you very little..you sent him a text and if he really cared about you i think he cud atleast send you a blank msg to show that he heard you and he doesnt know what to tell but he wants to get back with you.but he didnt do that,which is really mean.! and if the fault is not yours you dont need to take the first step..it reduces your importance to him..he might expect you to always take the first step and that will further lead to a HUGE ego..you should be in a relationship to feel good about yourself and your bf,to feel special…please dont mind me saying that if he s the cause of some circumstances that make you think of your relationship as a challenge then maybe you should call it quits…

I dont know a lot about you Bernie but by reading your reply i think that your a really sweet and nice person…i somehow see my friend in you and i think that life will surely smile at you by leading you to the perfect guy…moreover he lied to you about his salary.why would he do that unless he s selfish and wants all the money for himself??? trust is the foundation on which a relationship stands.if he doesnt have that trust on you then your relationship is standing on a very weak base..dont let him hurt you and dont hurt yourself more and more by thinking about giving him another chance..you yourself know what will happen if you give him another chance…

You dont need to call him…he doesnt deserve you..let him realize your worth and apologize.. treat youself with love and utmost care..ive always felt that if we love ourselves then other people are bound to love us.please dont tolerate it if anyone treats you with even slight disrespect..i do believe from the bottom of my heart that ull get a much better guy and ull be happy,much happier than you are now…do take care of yourself. And i wish you a veryyyy happy life.=)=)).you will feel better without him i feel…

And i too need some advice..im the 1st ranker in my school and there s 1 more girl who gives me good competition..i hate her cos she overacts and she s a back biter and she keeps trying to sabotage me and insult me but all in vain.mostly she hates me so much that she once tried to push me from the stairs too.now all the teachers want me to become the school headgirl and i think she wants to become head girl too..but the problem is that im very scared to become the headgirl cos my sister too was the headgirl and she worked so hard and she set bars so high that i dont know if i can live up to all of my teacher s expectations..but i know im the best in my entire school and now im suddenly doubting myself..=( My teachers think i can do it and i feel so too..but my confidence is little low now..what do i do???

Leave my problem aside…you take care of yourself and do what you feel is best….good luck and loads of love..

Crystal…

May 5, 2013 at 8:17 am #35124

crystal
Participant

Dear Teyana,
I think tat uve treated his in not tat gud a way before..and lately he s been rude to u..why dont u just sit down n take his hand n tell him that u luv him n you are sorry that u misbehaved before..bt now uve changed and u want him to give u just another chance and that u want things to be just like how they were….im sure he ll understand…and if he doesnt,then give it some time…even then if he keeps acting differently and keeps bringing up the bad memories then its best that you leave him…i can just advice you but u will be the one to decide…..

Ill tell u 1 thing-if u really luv this guy then let him go,if his luv is true then he will come back to u…but if u feel its stressing u out then take a small break…stop chasing him and maybe he will start behaving how he used to…but please talk to him about the whole thing first…cos if he had tolerated the things that u had done before then maybe he too deserves another chance….do what you feel right..take a decision on the basis of how he reacts to u when u tell him to be how he was earlier..

I hope my advice helped you and please feel more then welcome to solve my petty problem about school too…All the best=)

Crystal

May 5, 2013 at 9:35 am #35126

Bernadette
Participant

Hi Crystal

Thanks for the replly and advice too, makes me realise that yeah im a nice person, my bf has said so himself few times, im sure this is why he takes advantage of the situation cause he knows I never hold grudges or regrets towards others… Whenever we argue he would tell me that I will never find a better man than him, im sure this is said to mess up my self esteem and confidence. He keeps telling me that whenever we break up he knows that i miss him and that I would not go out with anyone else, he is confident about that, so in a way that is why he doesnt care to text or call… during th four years ive been with my bf, same problems, his mum, friends and family thinks im a bad person because he doesnt tell them the truth, He behaves as if he is a victim, like im problematic..We’ve gone round and round with the same issues, its draining me and make me very unhappy.

It baffles me how he wants to be with me yet he is not honest with me??he says he loves me yet he doesnt care about things that are important to me.. hes ask me to marry him yet he is not honest and open about his life. He accused me of being selfish when i told him that we dont have a good foundation for marriage because of issues he wont discuss.

U are right to say I deserve someone better, my family says im wasting my time trying to change my bf by arguing when he is not even making an effort to compromise.
I dont think I will bother calling him again cause if he was interested he would make an effort… he knew i was angry when i told him to leave because of the way he behaves with me, I was talking to him and he shuts me out like i was talking to a wall.

My bf work in town whereas I work from home and rarely go out unless its to do with my job, I live a very quiet life in a small village….He never take me out, I have loads of nice outfits that are just hanging in the closet, im a very trendy person and use to go out alot before i met him…anyways im positive I will get thru all this dilemma, I really appreciate you taking time to lift up my spirit with the replies.. ive written a few words of advice to you too from the experience ive been thru in the past. hope it helps.

Now about your school, please please go for what you think is right for u, it reminds me of a friend that I had to let go off a couple of months ago, I use to hang around with her alot for the last 3yrs, what I found out lately was that she was backstabbing me with other people, looking back im sure its some kind of jealousy, cause last year I made good progress career wise, im sure whe was not so happy for me
Anyhow I decided to move on and forget the whole issues, its made me a stronger person in the things I want to do and achieve, so my advice to you if you want to aim high and you have the drive to do it, go for it, ive done the same al my life, no matter what people says or obstacles that comes my way, I feel if you have the potential to do something, go for it, im sure your teacher has seen the potential in you so dont worry about your competitors.. Once you put your mind in something you wanna do, it raises your confidence even if your feeling low at the mo… so go for it…

take care and kind regards

Bernie.

May 6, 2013 at 3:08 am #35173

crystal
Participant

Hey Bernie,
Thanx a lot for the advice…it really helped me a LOT..! Thanx to you that ive decided to go for it..=) I will try and i hope I will succeed…And im so very glad that u decided not to compromise..let him suffer..he s the one with a bad luck to miss a great person like u..!! he really told u that u wont find a better man then him!! my god.!!! that is screaming and pointing out to a damn big ego…and his family thinks of u as a bad person only cos he projected u like that in front of them..u know that your not like that and so does he..suddenly i felt that he must be a sadist to act that way..

Your lucky that u escaped from that relationship Bernie…u know that your a good human and im sure the people who really care for you and who know you too know your a good person.so dont let his family’s opinion matter to u..and where do u live by the way..? sounds so nice to be in a nice little village..and u have great outfits with u then please dont wait for someone to take u out..go out by yourself or maybe with your girlfriends and flaunt off your dresses and wear those pretty shoes with matching earings and all…u know i read it in my most favrioute actor’s interview that no matter what happens,his being happy is always constant.i think thats a pretty good mantra to follow..u can be happy if u look gorgeous(that im sure u do=)) and feel happy..there s sooo many things that u can do to make yourself happy and who knows, maybe in that course u may meet your Mr.Perfect..

Dont waste your precious time trying to patch up things with this selfish and egoistic guy..and ill pray to god that you spend the rest of your life being very happy…i believe that whatever happens is only for good..so dont wait for good things to happen to u,do good things for yourself every moment u get an oppartunity to do so..i live in a busy city where i want to connect with nature but there s so little that i can do,so little that i get to do…i want to help the environment and doing so makes me very happy,but i feel that right now its my duty to study and take care of my parents…my heart yearns to go and live in the countryside…u live in such a nice place and have done great progress in work and have a loving family and so much more…i think your perfect life is just infront of u…all u have to do is acknowledge it…and im telling u nothing in the world can stop u from being happy…not even your self-centered bf..

Go out there and have fun….all your life uve worked hard and made a nice living for yourself…make a world that will comprise of only people who care about u and whom u care about..and then enjoy that world…i hope i could help..thanx again for the advice…

Take care and be happy,

Crystal..

May 6, 2013 at 3:31 am #35174

Bob
Participant

Anytime you are in a relationship casual or otherwise and there is a breakdown with open honest communication it becomes a game of tug-a-war. Never ever regret telling your bf your deep feelings about trust, do not settle for anything that is not good for YOU. My heart knows how you feel, been there done that and even bought the t-shirt. In my honest opinion your bf is not ready to commit and wants to do as he pleases. YOU must do what is good for YOU and never ever regret it. My very best to you.

May 6, 2013 at 10:00 am #35182

Bernadette
Participant

Hi Crystal

Happy that my advice to you has been of some help, like I say you go for it girl, never ever mind what your competitors have to say, sometimes we get just one chance in life, so go for it..
Your reply lifted my spirit, your so kind, I can sense you are a very nice person with a good heart too, This will be a blessing throughout your journey in life..

I do have a loving family and a job tha I enjoy very much, in my Me time I love spening time with my dogs, a male and female Rottweiler with their 2 pups, they are adorable and very active too, they keep me very busy…. I love nature and have been blessed to have a beautiful home on a small island in the indian ocean, Im sure you must have heard of the seychelles island? And that is where i met my bf over 4yrs ago..

I live a 3mins walk to the beach and enjoy spending time chillin on the beach in the evenings, or just going for long walks. Life is simple and peaceful, not like the hustle and bustle of the city life.
My work does take me to London now and again, thats were I have most of my friends, have a better social life when im in the city,

I guess im gonna start making more of an effort to go out and enjoy myself and make new friends, wear my pretty dresses and shoes….ever since ive been going out with my bf I lost a lot of my confidence , thats because we are always arguing and he blames me for all our problems….for sometimes now ive started to blame myself thinking im not a good enough gf, sad but thats how my bf sees it,
In a way im happy i told him to leave, but I know hes gonna tell eveyone that I have kicked him out because I want to control him, this is what hes told his family everytime we break up, His mum and sister spoils him so much that they treat my bf as if hes a baby,

I think its better I move on with my life instead of trying to patch things up for the 100th time with my bf, its tough to have a relationship wit someone when they cant see any fault with their behaviour…

Thanks again for the advice …

take care

Bernie

May 7, 2013 at 8:26 am #35203

Laura
Participant

Bernadette,
the guy is secretive about such important aspect of your life as finances and gives you silent treatment each time you speak out your concerns.
He sort of lives with you but most of his stuff is at his moms?
Does that sound like a commited relationship to you?
Not really, especially having in mind he is able to have more caring relationships with other, but you.
When someone cares about you, they put effort into solving the issues that arise and you don’t have to second-guess your role in their lives. They don’t punish you with silence, ignoring you and etc.
It looks to me that he is just using you in order to have someone by his side, unless something better comes along. Thats why he says he loves you yet continues with the same behaviour (yeah, baby, I’m sooo bad, but I loooove you) – it helps him to keep your expectations low and stay silent about his lame behaviour out of fear of loosing him forever.
Cut him loose and spare your time for people who actually care about you (first of all-you – take care of your wounded soul and heart), instead of risking your own well-being for the benefit of someone like him.

May 7, 2013 at 9:56 am #35209

Bernadette
Participant

Laura

Thanks for the reply and advice, yes my bf does punish me with silence when we argue, he keeps silent and makes as if he is a victim and that im asking too much of him, even my son who lives with me tells me there is something weird about my bf, saying he is always cautious about things he says at home.
I have this gut feeling that my bf is not real even though he says he loves me… i feel that if he cared enough about me he would at least see that keeping secrets from me makes me insecure and damaging the relationshi.

lately im sort of scared to talk to him about any concerns, its stresses me out alot, last thursday I got really angry and told him to take his stuff and leave my house, we argued enough times on the same problems, no solution, i keep asking myself what has he got to hide?

i dont know much about my bf, he talks to his mum and sis about everything, im always kept in the dark about his businesd and it hurts me alot, and i feel second best in his life.

May 7, 2013 at 10:23 am #35210
crystal
Participant
Hi Bernie,
Thanx a lot for all the praises…and im so glad that u felt happy after reading the reply..honestly all that i wrote is true..even thought your not asking ill tell you where i live 😉 i live in bangalore..its a city in India..i just googled seychelles island and wow…its soooo totally cute..ive always loved the sea..and i love dogs too..!!! i have a male labrador..but he stays with my grandpa and grandma..i get to meet him on weekends only and sometimes in my holidays.. I believe that your social life can be very good even in your island…compared to the cities there are much fewer people where you live…go and talk to them,know them and allow them to know u …u can make relations that will be very strong and permanent i think…

Im glad that uve decided to go out by yourself and enjoy…have fun..=) i think u need to give out the message that your happy without him…dont take tension,give tension..ive always liked doing that..giving others sleepless nights is way better then having sleepless nights yourself…dont loose your confidence for that manchild..u are much better then him and u know that..so just close his chapter from your life…u did your best and its he who could not handle the relationship…stop blaming yourself…before he starts telling that u kicked him out,i feel,u should tell people that he is so worthless that he could not sustain a relationship and deserved to be kicked out…just go ahead and hurt his ego.show people,especially his family that he is weak and your strong enough to kick someone who is not needed out of your life…for once make him feel so ashamed that he got kicked out of someones house and i gurantee you that next time he tries to tell something wrong about u,and show people that your problemistic,he will be so ashamed and feel so dumped that he wont tell anything wrong about u..take control your life

Try it out…its like doing little wrong to cause major good…and ull feel happy too.=) end this and save yourself all the pain…looking forward to your reply…loads of good wishes…

Crystal..=)
- This reply was modified 11 years, 6 months ago by crystal.
May 7, 2013 at 12:48 pm #35217

Marilyn Briant-Rockmore
Participant

Hello Crystal,

The wonderful thing about personal and spiritual awareness is that is all about you! I have learned so much about me by focusing on myself. There’s this wonderful book I Need Your Love – Is That True? by Byron Katie which I think will really help you with everything you are thinking and feeling. I understand her first book, Loving What Is is also very good.

Love and peace,

Marilyn

May 8, 2013 at 3:33 am #35250

Laura
Participant

I don’t think you should wonder about what he is thinking about and etc.
I’m guilty of doing this myself, so I know what Im talking about and how harmfull that is- when a guy whom I was very much into just fell from the Earth after 3 months of daily communication and getting physical, I couldn’t stop sobbing if he ever cared, why did he do that, why didn’t he have cajones to tell me straight away he wasn’t interested anymore and etc.etc. (maybe it wouldn’t have struck me that hard, but it was 3rd guy in a row doing that, so I fell into a long term mode of sadness and dissapointment and didn’t know how to move forward).
Well all that thinking about what was he thinking / what were his motives didn’t actually help me – it just kept me stuck in the phase of denial of reality that he is gone and that I most likely overestimated him and his interest. There is no such explanation that would make his dissapearing less hurtfull or make his behaviour “better”.
In your case – there is no such explanation that would make your sufferings “count” and justify him treating you in a “less than” manner.
The best advice I ever got when in that situation was “think less about him, and more about yourself”.
Whereas your life and thoughts now evolve around a man who just goes his way, like Bob said, with no attention to you. He is not worthy of your love and care.
Hopefully this site doesn’t ban forum members from suggesting other sites – if not, I suggest you read an amazing blog, called baggagereclaim.co.uk. Believe me, after that your “wonderful” bf will look just a frog instead of a mysterious prince.
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