Dear Eric:

Welcome back to the forums. As you know, I have communicated with you extensively for over 3 years and I (as well as other members) gave you so much input in regard to your overthinking…  so much that it could fill a thick book. I personally suggested to you all that I could possibly suggest again and again.. and yet again… and again.  Basically, you and I both kept repeating ourselves and no progress was made as far as your severe overthinking.

In my most recent post to you, in your previous thread, I wrote on Sept 5 this year: “Dear Eric, Altogether you submitted 34 threads under different accounts since July 2019 and one central theme that persisted through all of them is your overthinking/ obsessive thinking… (On Sept 4, 2022), I wrote to you: ‘Anxiety  is in the core of your obsessive thinking, social anxiety and body dysmorphia. I repeatedly suggested to you over the years to see a medical doctor or a psychotherapist. Did you ever considered seeking professional help (a medical doctor and/or a psychotherapist)…? Your reply (Sept 5, 2022): ‘I haven’t consulted a professional because my parents might thought that I have a major problem and they could be worried, also other problems I feel that I can solve without professional as long as I can convince my mind’…

“The two of us repeated ourselves many, many times through the years of our communication. And the repetition had no positive value to any one of us. I know that (1) Quality professional intervention will help you short-term and long-term, (2) This issue is too big for you (or for any individual person in your place) to be able to solve by yourself, and (3) All responses to your obsessions-of-the-moment throughout the 3 years provided you with ZERO help: the themes of your obsessions persist unchanged. Not only responding to your obsessions-of-the-moment is not helping you- it is harming you because it fuels your obsessive thinking, it keeps it going. Your latest obsession, the mooncake-obsession, seems so BIG and URGENT in your mind… but every obsession seemed big and urgent throughout the history of your obsessions. …

“I will no longer put fuel into your obsessions by responding to them. As you post from now on, I will reply (if you would like me to continue and reply, that is), but I will ignore parts of your posts where you present your obsession-of-the-moment. I will need to be strong and resolute in my commitment to proceed this way.”, Sept 5, 2022.

And today, Oct 12, 2022, I will accordingly respond to your recent post on your older thread and to your original post on this thread: congratulations for going on your first ever date with a young woman I am happy for you!!! I hope that you feel better and sleep better very soon, and that you will have a pleasant second date this coming Sunday!

anita

Dear Eric:

You are welcome. Thank you for understanding that I do indeed need to be strong in my commitment to no longer feed your obsessions, including the current potential rival obsession.

“All I can do is do my best for this girl“- I agree and I am glad that you realize this to be true!

anita

Dear Eric:

Before I can give you my opinion, I need to understand the following:

1) “finally we went on a date once“- how did the first date come about, what happened and what was said during the first date?

2) “She’s willing to go out on a second date” – how did it happen that she is willing to  go out on a 2nd date: did you ask her to go on a 2nd date with you? Did you tell her what you want to happen on the 2nd date (ex. see a movie together)?

3) “I sent her a birthday gift which is a music box wrapped in a box in which I put some notes on it“- what kinds of things did you write in those notes, and did she respond to the notes and to the gifts, if she did, how did she respond?

4) “But why do I always felt that I’m the only one doing the effort,  like she never texts me first. It’s always me“- what do you feel about her not doing any effort (not initiating texts, not sending you a gift) does it make you feel angry at her?

anita

Dear Eric:

First, I am very impressed with you because you did so many things very well: (1) You carried on the first date very well, including the conversation, resulting in a good first date experience for you and for her, (2) You asked her for a 2nd date in an appropriate, effective and cute way (first asking her if she is willing to try unique vegetarian dishes, then asking her to try it on Sunday), (3) You’ve been  attentive to her and very creative (the gift, the notes, the good-morning texts in different languages, the funny videos). Like she said: you are indeed full of ideas!

Second, I am not surprised that you felt exhausted after the first date, and  that you’ve been feeling stressed, pressured, exhausted and overwhelmed ever since about initiating creative texts for her, fearing that you’ll run out of ideas to implement in the texts, overthinking ways to initiate conversations with her, fearing that someone will snatch her from you on one hand, and fearing to commit to her on the other hand, and fearing that her family will reject you.

I am not surprised because ever since we started communicating, you’ve been a very anxious young man, strongly inclined to worry and overthink about all possible negatives, focusing on the negatives. Being so very anxious is exhausting… for anyone! So no wonder you are exhausted.

It is important that you understand that she is not responsible for your stress level and exhaustion because you’ve been a very anxious individual way before you ever met her. From what you describe, she hasn’t behaved in any way that is inconsiderate, rude or demanding. The STRESS is inside you, it is not her fault.

When people feel very stressed, they are inclined to  feel angry at other people (who do not cause their stress) and blame them for their stress. Be careful to not do this in regard to this young woman.

You have the option to ask her to  initiate a text to you once or twice a day, let’s say. You also have the option to share with her a little bit about your anxiety and what you are anxious about: this can help your stress level to come down some, because you will not be keeping your thoughts and feelings all to yourself. Also, because this is not only your first dating experience, but her first dating experience as well, try to understand that she probably experiences some stress herself, feeling awkward too, not knowing what to say and do.

“I feel that sooner or later I need to confess to her and commit to the relationship. And I feel so much pressure in committing“- one step at a time, Eric. It is too soon to commit after a first date. Try to postpone thinking about commitment until 2013: keep the remaining of this year free of thoughts of committing to marry her.

You also have the option to see a medical professional/ psychotherapist so to LOWER your stress level, so that you are not overwhelmed with life in general and with dating in particular.

I will close this post with once again congratulating you on your first date: I am so glad to read how successful it was, and how successful you were arranging for a second date. Excellent job, Eric!

anita

Dear Eric:

You are welcome! I was thinking about you yesterday, Eric, because it was Sunday and I was wondering about the 2nd date. I was a bit worried that maybe it didn’t take place, so I am pleased to receive your recent post this Monday morning (my time), and read that not only did the 2nd date take place, but it was an excellent date: congratulations for a second excellent date!

I know that it was an excellent date because (1) There was a lot of conversation, including about each other’s families, (2) She initiated taking a picture together with you, (3) You asked her for a 3rd date and she agreed right away, no hesitation.

“turns out her family wasn’t perfect either. I felt really calm, because if her family was like that, she can understand better my family situation“- exactly. Plus, the more you talk to her, the more imperfect things  you will find out about her, and the calmer you will feel about your own imperfections. Just as you wouldn’t want her to be perfect (it would have made you feel too imperfect), she wouldn’t want you to be perfect (for the same reason).

“I haven’t told her about my anxiety and my family issues, but I did tell her a lot about my main family (the 4 of us)“- it is a good thing that you didn’t tell her a whole lot on the 2nd date. Sharing about personal matters should be a bit at a time, so no one gets overwhelmed with too much information.

“Although we talk a lot, I didn’t feel like there is a moment to flirt. I don’t really know how to flirt in real life“- it is okay that you didn’t flirt with her in-person during the first and second date. If you did, it could have been awkward for you and for her. Think of it this way: the 2nd day went very well, she agreed to a 3rd right away, this means that the date was excellent just as it was.

“I did flirt with her by texts. But in real life I can’t… I’m not experienced“- a lot of things are easier over text and online than in-person, so it makes sense to me that it’s easier for you to flirt by text. Remember that she too is not experienced. If she was with an experienced man, maybe she’d feel uncomfortable. If I was her age, single, on a 1st or 2nd date with a guy,  I would have preferred an inexperienced guy over an experienced guy.

“I’m running out of ideas because I can only ask her to hang out by watching movies, dessert and dinner. Idk if she’ll get bored eventually“- movies, desserts and dinners won’t get boring for her because at different dates she can watch different movies, and she can pick different items on the menu (or the same and still enjoy), and/ or go to different restaurants, etc.

“I don’t have any significant hobby. So it’s hard for me to ask her to do sports together or something like that“- maybe she doesn’t have a significant hobby herself and maybe she would feel uncomfortable playing a sport with a guy she is dating.

“also do u think I should ask her out more often, like maybe increase it into 2 times a week? I don’t want other guys to snatch her“- (1) no one snatched her before you met her (she didn’t have a relationship before you), so why would she be snatched now… (2) if you know her schedule (and yours), you can figure if she has the time to see you more often than once a week, and you can ask her if she would like to see you more often.

“I’m worried“- I opened this post saying that I was a bit worried yesterday. I said a bit because I was not tortured by worry, I didn’t think worrying thoughts all day yesterday. Try to be a bit worried.

And again, congratulations for doing as well as you do!

anita

Dear Eric:

You are welcome! “1)…. Any of those boys can text her anytime, and she might get swayed… I hope this isn’t counted as an obsession“- yes, it is counted as an obsession. I referred to this obsession six days ago (see my Oct 12 post) as the “potential rival obsession”.

“I believe males need to be decisive isn’t it. It’s because every time I hang out with my friends, I’m never the one deciding where to eat. I’m just the follower type“- because you are in the habit of being the follower type, it will be difficult for you to change and become the taking charge type, ex: the one deciding where to eat. It will take intentional practice on your part. Find the opportunities to practice (at home, when you hang out with friends, and with her), and practice.

“well yes, i believe she’s also new to this “dating” thing… but if we both plan to ‘have a relationship’, I believe there should be some flirting, otherwise it’d be just a casual hangout with a friend“- give her a compliment next time, tell her that you like  something about the way she looks (you can word a compliment ahead of time). When you compliment her, maintain eye contact and have a sincere smile on your face.

“But isn’t it weird if I’m a guy but I have these kind of ‘hobby’ like her“- no, it is not weird. (If you argue with me in your next post that it is weird, I will have to refer to this item as an obsession.

“She has a sister that’s a year older than her and she is currently dating an experience guy…  (do sports, manly activities, has lots of friends), and she’s close with her sister and that’s making me worry“- worries/ obsessions for you are like fires: when you  extinguish one fire, there’s a new fire,  you extinguish the new fire…. there’s the old fire burning again. Isn’t this how it is for you, Eric?

anita