Dear Kaya:

I will read and reply to you in about 9 hours from now.

anita

Dear Kaya:

First, “If I ask anyone in here, will you review my letter and can you please let me know you understand what I really want to and mean to say in the letter?” -yes, absolutely. You are welcome to present here a draft of your letter and I will give you my feedback and suggestions.

I will paraphrase what you shared (because it helps me understand better when I rewrite information): you are over 50, work daily in the position of a director and expected to not make friends in the workplace. At times you do volunteer work, but in a backstage position where you don’t get to socialize. Overall, you have no friends, and weekends and holidays are difficult for you because you are alone. You’ve been with your now ex-boyfriend for over 6 years. Two months ago, he angrily told you that he didn’t want to talk to you for 5-10 years. You believe that your misbehavior within the relationship are the reason for the breakup, and upon the breakup, you immediately contacted a therapist and started therapy for the purpose of changing the  misbehaviors that led to the breakup, therapy still ongoing.

A month ago, he contacted you and repeated contact a few times a week. The two of you went bike riding, had dinners together, and there were hugs and kisses. During an overnight stay, you wore pajamas,  he was naked and the two of you cuddled “but nothing happen“. There were more hugs and kisses the next day. You told him that you are getting mixed signals from him and he told you that you are over-reacting “and no romance between us“.

You took responsibility for the troubles and ending of the relationship with your now ex, saying that the occasional arguments and fights within the relationship were caused mostly by your behaviors, that it was your  “weakness, childish, short temper (sometime) and pushing him, etc.“, the etc. includes you having had trouble expressing your feelings, saying no, but not explaining why, being impatient, wanting to “talk NOW“.

“I want to be a better person… willing to change myself“- and you are working on it in therapy and otherwise, with the understanding that it will take time, steps forward and backward. You want to reconcile with your ex and “work together” with him on having a good relationship this time around.

“No excuse but English is my second language..“- do you mean that English is your ex’s first language and your second?

anita

Dear Kaya:

I just returned to the computer after being away for more than 6 hours. I read your first post and I want to reply to both posts Mon morning (too tired now, it being 6:30 pm my time) after giving all that you shared all of my attention. You are welcome to add anything you’d like to add, on any topic, including on the topic of friends/ making friends, here on this thread.

anita

Dear Kaya:

You are very welcome! This will be a long post because I will reply to many items in what you shared. Please take your time reading and processing the information: no reason to rush.

“I’m the Human resource director and I should not make ‘friends’ in the office“- from online (hr university): “A human resources director is the most senior HR professional in the department and is responsible for taking executive HR decisions regarding policies, practices, and strategies…It requires strong organizational skills, an acute sense of business administration, and solid leadership skills“.

In regard to reconciling your romantic relationship and managing it, if you do reconcile, you will have to exercise strong leadership skills over your own emotions and behaviors, and to take executive decisions regarding policies, practices and strategies that apply to your behaviors within the relationship.

Let’s look at a past behavior within the relationship: “We argued/fought once in a while.  Most of the time because of my behavior“- here is a suggested policy (if reconciled): no arguments and fights for any reason. Peaceful conversations leading to conflict resolutions that satisfy both parties is the chosen alternative.

Another behavior: “I also wanted to answer or talk NOW… I have kept pushing him… short temper (sometime)… he doesn’t want to talk.  I kept talking to him and push him to the edge… If I ask him to go out or make a plan for trip, he doesn’t give me an answer but I want to have NOW“-  another policy: no pushing him. When you feel like pushing him (when you feel angered and impatient) , pause the communication/ take time-out, address the situation in your own mind/ in writing perhaps, and return to the communication with him when you are calm and prepared.

Let’s look at the emotions behind pushing him: “I do not like to be ignored… I would like to have all attention.  I take lots of things negativity.  My ex is enjoying with friends, I feel behind the backstage.  They are talking about old story, which I do not have any idea (about)… he makes a plan with his friends but not me?  It made me upset and more pushy“- you shared nothing about your childhood, but I imagine that you grew up too often being ignored, unattended to, left behind: other family members being frontstage while you were backstage. Those unfortunate experiences made you angry then… and now (childhood experience projected into current life circumstances). Is my understanding correct?

Another behavior: “I could not express my feeling much so I just said NO or I said I do not like it.  I should give him more reasons each time… No excuse but English is my second language and every time I want to say something important, I feel not confidence and feels like this is not exactly what I want to say….  I do not have problems with regular conversation or text but something important, I do not know enough vocabulary“-  it could be that when you get emotional, particularly, when you get angry, your language use is compromised. There is a saying: when anger goes up, IQ goes down. In other words, when angry, our cognitive skills, including our language skills, suffer. (This is why it is so important to pause communication and take time out when angry).

I will slightly grammatically edit the following for an easier read: “A little about my ex: he was growing up with an abusive and dishonest father; father and mother were always fighting each other, domestic violence level, and finally she left him.  Every time they have started a fight, he and his brother hid in the closet.  His mother has control issue and he doesn’t like to be told what to do.  His mother married three times and divorce now“- this means to me that he does not need a woman who will argue, fight, push, tell him what to do,  and otherwise express aggression and hostility (no man does).

* In regard to you sharing earlier about the hugs and kisses you’ve exchanged lately, while not being intimate/ sexual otherwise, it tells me that he still likes you.  His reply email to you (“I understand. I am sorry for my part in any of this. Let me know how I can help“), if it is consistent with his behaviors, indicates to me that he is a decent man who takes responsibility for his part in situations that go wrong, instead of projecting all the blame to another person.

“I do not have any at office but private time, I do not have control myself“- I did not understand this sentence. Would you like to rewrite it?

In regard to this sentence in the message-draft: “Getting from counselor this session who specialized in teaching what I needed“- better that you shortly list what specifically you have been taught by (one?) counselor.

I don’t understand this sentence: “You may not agree with me but if he doesn’t want to reconcile our relationship, I do not want to hear anymore“- the “you” in the beginning of the sentence is referring to him or to me? Do you mean to say, in this sentence, that if he doesn’t want to reconcile, you want to have no more contact with him?

This is my slightly edited version of the message-draft: “I have completed my first session of inpatient therapy: lots of exercises, meditation, eating healthy, community support and meeting other people. I am horrified to realize the depth of pain  I have cause our relationship. I understand what went wrong with our relationship. I realize that I was the cause of so much of our troubles.  Neither of us is perfect but I have concluded that I have hurt you and pushed you the edge. I have no excuse for the wrong ways I  treated you. I also understand that my words have no meaning unless they are backed up by my actions. I know it will not be easy for you to trust me because I have broken promise made to you before. Getting professional help and support does not mean instant change: I still have to earn, learn more, and take time.  This is a lifelong lesson.  I believe that I have to learn every day.  One step forward and two steps back. I cannot reconcile our relationship by myself. If you consider to reconcile our relationship, please contact me.  I understand that this isn’t easy, and that you need to take time to think about us again.  Also, I understand it will take time to reconcile, no jumping into a happy conclusion. I have little hope, but still, I hope. I will end this letter with a very sincere wish for your happiness, always”.

My comment in regard to this message-draft: if you tell him that learning (to change your negative behaviors: fighting, arguing, pushing) is a lifetime lesson and that there will be steps forward and backward, his understanding may be that you expect to repeat negative behaviors from time to time (as you step backward). If this is your understanding then what you are offering him is not good enough because he needs to know that, if reconciled, you will not repeat negative behaviors no matter how you feel. You may want to incorporate my 4th and 5th paragraphs above (the two behavioral policies that I suggested) into the message.

anita

Dear Kaya:

You are welcome, Kaya. Take your time and add to what you posted above. Post again when you are calm and reflective. Good night for now and take good care of yourself!

anita