Dear Nate:

“People express interest in friendship by asking you questions… How do I become a better seeker of deep relationships?“- I would like to ask you a question for the purpose of seeking a deeper communication with you, if I may:

What kinds of question do you enjoy answering, feeling passionate about answering, and what kinds of questions make you cringe, perhaps, causing you to emotionally withdraw?

anita

Dear Nate: I will read and reply to you Sat morning (in about 13 hours from now).

anita

Dear Nate:

In your original post, you attached a link to a tiny buddha blog titled How to tell when someone needs a friend. I read it: “When I was in high school I was shy, to say the least. I guess a more accurate description would be to say that I was insecure. Painfully insecure… too insecure to ever say hi to anyone in any of my classes… There were even some days when I went through the entire school day without speaking a word. I felt utterly alone and certainly friendless. One day, though, for no discernible reason whatsoever, a kid on my school bus started talking to me..  he seemed to actually be listening to what I had to say, and I felt like someone really cared about what I had to talk about… I’ve tried to model myself after this guy since then. To be a genuinely good listener and to go out of my way to help someone who looks like he or she is having a bad day…  If you know someone who tends to stay removed from groups and conversations, they might simply need someone else to take the initiative. Many people want to talk to their coworkers and peers more—they just don’t know how to start… lonely people tend to spend more time focusing on stressful experiences. People who tend to dwell on their negative experiences—even the seemingly small ones—are likely spending too much time alone…”.

You wrote about the above: “The aim of the article is to help readers identify those whom the article describes. My challenge is that this article describes me perfectly, and it gives no advice to those whom it describes.“- maybe the intended advice is for the lonely, painfully insecure person to look around and identify someone who’s having a bad day, someone who appears distressed and say something to that person, initiate a conversation, and then genuinely listen to what the person is saying. BUT I understand how doing this would be very difficult or impossible for someone who is very shy/ painfully insecure.

I read through the other article that you attached. You wrote that you do the things suggested in the article so to make friends (ex., asking people questions, inviting them to do things with you), but your efforts are not reciprocated,

You shared that you currently live in a standoffish city and you are “quite alone“.  In a few months, you will be moving to a city with a somewhat different culture, and you hope to be “deeply connecting with another person” in the new city.

In my first reply to you, I asked you (I am adding the boldface/ italic feature here): “What kinds of question do you enjoy answering, feeling passionate about answering”, and you answered (to that part of my question): “There are very few questions I won’t answer. I’m an open-book type, I guess you could say. It’s just that the book doesn’t get opened that often“.

I noticed that you didn’t answer what kinds of questions you enjoy answering, or feeling passionate about answering. You answered instead, paraphrased, that you will answer most questions asked. I wonder why.. Is it that you tend to be intellectual rather than emotional?

In your original post, you wrote and asked (again, I am the one adding the boldface feature): “I do get that most people simply aren’t interested in deep relationships… But I am talking about seeking out those still actively seeking… I do get, too, that I may never find that close connection. The point is not to find, because I have no control over that. I just want to be the best seeker I can be. Over that, I do have control. How do I become a better seeker of deep relationships?“-

– Depending on your answer to my above question, the answer may be that you need to seek a deeper connection to your emotional self at the same time that you seek a deeper connection to other people.

I will try to do this here: to seek a deeper connection to my emotional self while, at the same time, seeking a deeper connection with you by sharing this: when I first read your original post, I felt that I am not qualified to answer your question because it is difficult for me to form deep connections with people that last for a long time. Actually, I am quite afraid of such. In my mind, a long-term, deep connection or relationship with someone means pain and suffering, a sense of entrapment. I grew up with a parent in a situation  where my deep connection to her was used and abused. This was my first deep connection experience, and it made me very scared.

anita