Thank you Anita and Tommy,

Im not new to depression and i suffer from social anxiety. I was diagnosed as HSP once as well. Needless to say, somehow, ive managed to survive this far, mainly by finding the strength in myself…no drugs, no therapy..just hanging in there. Where i live it is not very advanced in this area and i dont have a lot of money to waste on trying to find the right thing. I struggle and have done, to deal with self worth and existential anxiety. That even sounds contrived and pompous to me. But its the case. Even if i had a wonderful relationship with someone…i would still feel like this. I would wonder what my purpose is..what im doing…could it be better…i would still struggle to find contentment.

So i live alone, eat alone, am mostly alone…..and most of the time i can handle it. I cant say im happy, im so much happier with friends around and doing stuff together. But others..they dont stick around. Maybe they are too busy themselves or maybe its because nothing ever seems to get better for me and its painful to watch? i notice that sometimes i have to fill silence with talk because they are not saying anything, or worse, looking over my shoulder…so i have to conclude that im not much fun to be around.

People are also more attracted to someone who has it all together, clearly i dont. I lose jobs, men and friends and i dont have answers to why things happen. Im not proactive, i dont have plans or ideas of what to do. These days it is increasingly just panic. Its like there is something wrong with me and i cant put a finger on exactly what..i feel that there is so much inside that i would like to do, but i cant get there with this brain. i feel trapped.

When i was a kid i did prefer to be alone, i was shy, your typical introvert, great imagination, able to entertain myself no problem. As i got older ive had friends, boyfriends but i never got married, had kids, these things are a big step i couldnt make and in a lot of cases i was rejected at the times when i would have taken the leap. Work life has been patchy and very difficult for me so ive developed an anxiety of not having work, not making money. I studied art..it has been fairly useless and i taught myself everything else that i know from computer design to marketing to business administration. I should be proud of that but there has always been someone more accomplished vying for my job, or next to me or coming up behind me. Always a boss who wanted more and made me feel like i wasnt enough. A boyfriend who needed more of something i didnt have. I never mastered a corner of the room for myself that somebody else couldnt do. So therefore i feel fairly worthless.

I have parents who achieved a lot in their life, you can say its my dad´s hard graft but it was a combination of that and great timing when jobs were available, opportunities were there. I have needed their help financially quite a bit. My mom offers her advice but is very much a narcissist in that, she is able to play the expert when i am depressed and when i have achieved something great..she goes a bit quiet, pulls away and doesnt look happy. Over the years ive understood how complex that affect is and exactly what type of family i got. My sibling also gets very jealous if i achieve something and she goes quiet if i need help. So i cant rely on them.

Ive never experienced that trajectory where things just keep rolling forward and getting better due to your effort and network. I reckon if i had..i would feel encouraged, i would feel valued. Ive pulled myself up from suicidal thoughts many times but i stay fairly low energy and if anything im always dreaming and see dark things in everything, the dangers rather than the benefits. Part of my negativity stems from my parents im sure, they always expect the worst but i reckon they are happier not being around me. They are very much a self contained unit, not needing any other person..my sister also experienced this neglect of us but in her own relationship she is starting to mirror them as well. And has achieved a lot by steering her partner where she wants to go. I do not possess this skill.

I really tried this last year to find someone to date, i decided to put emotions aside, to dream a little less and focus on whether i was compatible. I had a few dates but realised that most of the guys only want a faceless hook up, a warm body. Ive thought about writing about this in some sort of comedic way because it was the only way i could deal with the feelings..again, the rejection. I can look objectively and see that they were all people that were lonely, looking for something but not sure what. But i was looking for a genuine connection and couldnt find it. By contrast, my friend, who has a lower expectation, found a guy almost immediately and is happy to have a casual connection. I have to admit, i expect the kind of fire that i felt with my ex. Ive looked into star signs, cultural background, hobbies..to see where the magic click is that would make someone right for me, im still looking, it seems like good fortune is the only factor sometimes…

In the midst of my constant self questioning i got caught up with online bullying..by sticking my head above the waterline i became a target from some young guys. Im white, they are black..they took my interest in them and twisted it into racism, made fun of everything, hacked my phone and i suspect..also my family and friends. It got dark, nasty and political. While i watched this happening to myself, i realised that this happens to a LOT of other people…the videos that you see that are joking about something, are likely to be targeting someone they dont like or want to oppress and either you are in the loop, or not even aware. I know some people are half aware of this online targeting, we are seeing more extreme things will happen with AI. To put a long story short, i realised the end goal might be to ruin me (steal money and my ID) but they didnt need to do anything..it happened all on its own. At the time i was watching a lot of tarot readings, watching a lot of entertainment videos and i guess…generally escaping my reality. There is nothing wrong with that except, some things aligned very much, or made sense a little too much. I decided to stop watching any of it. To take a break. I know a little too much about the motives of others and its so contrived.

i realise im just lonely right now..there is potential for me to feel better. i just kind of wish i could get more motivation to move, change and shake my life up..instead of waiting for things to change. i dont know why i have such apathy.

Thank you Roberta and Anita. I appreciate that there IS somewhere to go as it just seems things continue to snowball. I dont know what im doing wrong i just know that i feel very alone. I feel the need to explain why i feel so awful, as it may seem nothing to some people, just one or two things. But when you layer them on top of each other it suddenly may seem like, yes. There may be something wrong in the universe..or at least, i need help.

I know i need a councillor to speak to, somewhere to go and talk about all these difficulties. But im still scared to pick the wrong one and to be stuck despairing in that. Up till now im just strong on the outside and fighting constantly a losing battle inside. Sometimes i feel so bad i have suicidal thoughts..its only thoughts i know, i just really know how to make myself feel shit.

The main issue right now is the feeling of panic, anxiety and fear. Im feeling so overwhelmed by feelings and negativity that i panic myself. When i talk to others im aware of how negative it all sounds but im scared, there is no one else for me to turn to when i get home. Im scared for my future…there is no real pension to speak of from the work i did, i relied on just being able to keep going…my plan was to buy property to rent out but i cant get to that point, i dont make enough. I own my own apartment..i can sell it but then id quickly run though the money. I can only find brick walls and problems..my friends try to help but they know i have to figure something out myself.

I just got into an argument with my mom, who called me to see how im doing. Whenever i am super vunerable, feeling mad at the world and upset like this..my mother has no words of support for me.. She will in fact find ways to tell me off and make me feel worse. There are times when you just want someone to hear you out, for them to tell you something that will calm you..to listen to you. She invariably talks about someone who has everything going well or some really small problem that SHE has and my mom is really well taken care of. In this case she said how my sibling is looking for a property to buy and i wasnt helping her (my sister just recently bought an expensive property last year) they are doing amazingly well because where they live the income is relatively good (in USA), he works and my sister raises her child and supports business but generally has a lot of free time. She wants to buy something near us and i want to be happy for her but she has had so much good fortune its sometimes too much to hear. It feels like my mom wanted to thrust that in my face again.

My sister saw a house she wanted me to go see it for her. At one time my sister lived alone in a trailer and did garden work…but she really landed on her feet, met a real committed guy, had a kid, built a tiny house and just recently bought their own place…she also managed to get all this before she got too old to do it…the partner has achieved most of this for her, so essentially she has become like mom. you know what i mean by the luck? Its bittersweet because i do care for them and want them to do well but it hurts sometimes that i never have any good news of my own. I dont tell my sister about all my failed attempts to meet a guy..she would just feel bad, theres nothing you can say. Its just bad fortune i ended up in a place where meeting a decent person would be near impossible and bad fortune that we make so little money here. She is always upbeat about my options but i know she knows its hard for me and that i am alone. Or rather, alone and dealing with our narcissistic mother, she feels similarly about it but made the right choice, when she visits its a party and my parents do everything to make them welcome, even used to always buy their plane tickets. In the past my sister always fell out with mum but now has found the perfect balance and i guess that has a lot to do with having a partner to share difficulties with. And of course, producing the grandchild which i now cant do.

Im trying not to panic but its hard not to.

the work i am most experienced in is currently oversaturated with new competitition, soaring prices going up and taxes on living, richer and richer people moving in who can afford it as well as new immigrants who will fill the roles in offices.. The pay is awful in other jobs..i just applied to a place i thought i could do part time..they want to pay equivalent to what you imagine a highschool student could get and wont offer many hours…so i have to turn it down.

I wanted for the longest time to start a shop but i cant afford the rent, and would need to spend a lot of money to start..i thought of doing some shop online but i feel overwhelmed. Ideally i would have done something with a friend but other people have their own thing going, there is no one who is up for that (unless i fund it all!).

I thought of writing jobs, vlogging, blogging, doing content work. I know you can do that and i have in the past, a long time ago now…but theres competition from other countries that charge even less for their highly qualified work…i have to do something that does not rely on being paid by someone else..im too old to start at the bottom.

I dont know how to stop spiraling in negativity…i get exhausted trying to do one thing and getting angry when it doesnt bring an answer or progress…i get so tired then stop, listen to music or take my dog out. In the evening i need about half a bottle of wine to feel ok. I know i have to stop but at the moment im trying to be kinder to myself.

I think what is truly exhausting is when you ARE trying your hardest…and its just NOT WORKING OUT. And then you see someone else, who may or may not have your same situation, and things just pop up for them…like fortune cookies, and they are suddenly ok again. This is why i get to the point where i think, something in the universe is deadset again me having anything…..i feel like ive been beaten up mentally. I feel starved of help and fortune.

Another example of it is that a random guy shouted at me today when i was walking my dog.. i was on some rough land i go to 3x a day for the past years with no problem and there we dont need to pick up the poop, only of course if it was in the path but i would if it was in more public and pedestrian areas…he yelled at me to pick up after my dog and was extremely aggressive in his attitude..i talked back to him and told him to mind his own business but it upset me of course….im in my own neighbourhood and he is a visitor.

Afterwards i was reviewing the encounter..just before i levelled up to pass him, the guy was just standing around smoking and spit on the ground…some of the more basic local men do this but not really visitors and its considered rude in any shape…but as we came level my dog suddenly decided she needed to poop…in the verge but opposite his van, it wasnt intended but of  its still in the verge. So he obviously took offense and the position that, he had just arrived, so now WE were in his backyard! I reckon, i just have that face people think they can be rude to..and let out their anger..because for certain he would not have said it to an old lady from the area, or a big guy, or a group of people right?

Hi Anita,

Ive managed to get a therapist, its basically another person to complain to so far! They are just listening to my stories. Im just frustrated and angry that i seem to get so beaten down with problems. Today im actually having another one of “those days”. I dont want to list it all but so far ive discovered some cash went missing (from my bag~something that hasnt actually ever happened to me) and i have the usual excruciating multitude of tech problems with my computer. All of this adds to my already overloaded mind. I feel im going crazy sometimes by the way im so sensitive and reactive to things. I know it could be any combination nr of things, including depression, anxiety, PTSD from being hacked and persecuted online, bullied by my workplace and overhauling my problems with family or lack thereof. I know..it can take years to recover…to meet someone compatible to me so i can finally relax a bit more, enjoy life more..ive been like a soldier for so long, there is no mistake when people say this.

When you wrote “do you loathe yourself”? at first my reaction was “no!” in shock…i had meant purely based off the way the character was portrayed in the movie but thinking on it and now some weeks later i realise that, yes..probably i do loathe myself in the sense that, i cant seem to put a foot right..just nothing works out for me. Like i seemed to discover, oh! im a dork…not a creative nerd. A real loser who can only fuck up. And if i really go for something i want, oh its way way worse! I get rejected even harder by others, things get even more crazy. It feels like the world is against me. Im old enough that i dont even cry anymore, its internalized.

So its no wonder i walk around with fear, worrying about anything done wrong and its a catastrophe in my head. And i just feel i feel i cant afford a catastrophe, im already back down at base camp ffs… trying to climb when others are almost at the top, even if you say its not that bad.

My sensitivity is therefore, really high right now. i just dont want to lose any more, experience any more negativity. Im trying not to drink, sometimes i manage and sometimes i cant do without it. I also know..that will affect my mood and make things worse, but being human…i need some kind of out. I do walk a lot already, i try to exercise a bit, then get depressed about ageing…its normal i do know.

Part of finding the therapist has also made me very sad that i have to accept and become aware again. This is me. who i am. I am depressed and always was. Ive stopped reaching out to friends…just shut down, to survive this moment. Its not pretty to see someone go through it either. I always wish (ha! wished as well!) i could impress someone with some different news! I also dont want to hear other peoples great news either.. It would be nice to believe other people go through this but i know, its not the case for a lot of people and they are just chemically/behaviourly different than i am. There are people out there who do not get depressed like this and dont understand it.

I notice when i hang out with some other people that they have light minds…there may be some sad stuff or difficult stuff, but they are not weighed down, brush it off quicker and move on. I am of course, most attracted to those who seem like that. Who wouldnt be.

Seeing both sides to every thought is exhausting. I do it all the time and get tangled up in these thoughts. I want to write about it and then i think “who would want to read that?” I see other people speaking and think they are so smart. I write my own ideas down and disregard them, i somehow cant formulate anything coherently or smoothly, even in art i was never satisfied with what i did because it just didnt have the right effect. But not being able to turn left or right..that fear of choice…its mindblowingly hard..if i could figure that out maybe something would move forward?